About the things I don’t write about

I love that people actually want to read what I’m writing, not just my boyfriends and best friend, but there are people out there who are legitimately interested in my life and my random musings about it.  I am reminded, occasionally, that I make assumptions and generalizations that can offend people. This is not intentional, my blog is my space, where I write about my experiences, my perspectives, my feelings, and my failings. My writing is also completely full of my biases.  It also contains only snapshots in time, wrapped up in short(ish) posts about events I’m interested in relating.  It’s just a small part of me, the part I feel like sharing in that moment.

I often don’t write about things that would hurt others if they were to read it.  I try to keep my posts about me, respecting the privacy of my friends, partners, and family.  Some things that happen to me just aren’t that big of a deal or important enough to write about. Some things I haven’t shared because I haven’t had the need or the opportunity.  Some, I’m not ready to share or I’m not done processing. I think that some people lose sight of the fact that no matter what you read, you are not getting the full story.

With that in mind, I thought I’d write about some of the things I haven’t written about, for whatever reason:

  1. The fact that I picked up my kids from F’s last week and his parents and siblings were there and there was awkward with his mum and sister.  That W arrived while I was there, and seeing her hug them and say hello hurt me more than I anticipated.  Turns out that she can have F, but I’m not so happy about her taking my place in his family.  I don’t want her to hurt them like she’s hurt me.
  2. The fact that F’s family, sans F, came over for lunch a couple days later and it was amazing to see them and to begin to redefine and reestablish that relationship.  To know that we can continue to be a family even after the breakdown of my marriage to their son/brother.  That they are truly happy to remain in my life with no conflict.  
  3. How I’m hemorrhaging money because F is delaying our separation agreement finalization and I need to consolidate my debt into my mortgage and everything is just sitting waiting to be signed and he’s taking his sweet time because he makes 140% of what I do and has less bills.  So when my eldest needed new leggings and winter boots and I couldn’t afford it, my mom went out without being asked and bought her four pairs of leggings and new winter boots and just asked me to stop by.  She also got stuff for the three other kids.  I ugly cried with complete gratitude into my mom’s shoulders that day and she cried too.  
  4. How my sister has completely cut me out of her life.  How she’s spending a lot of time with F.  How she’s interfered in my separation. How she’s influenced my relationship with my father, which was already strained, but is now pretty much nonexistent.  How she’s cutting herself out of my mom’s life too and how much this hurts my mom.  Or how, despite the fact that I would love a good relationship with my sister, my life is so very much easier without her in it, and I feel slightly guilty for the relief I feel that I don’t have to deal with her bullshit.
  5. Why my relationship with my dad is strained. I haven’t written about the emotional abuse.  I haven’t written about the absentee father who never took responsibility for his actions and promised the world but rarely followed through on his words. I haven’t talked about the 12-year-old girl who idolized him and was left waiting for him to arrive to pick her up on more than one occasion to not have him show. Or the 17-year-old girl, who desperately wanted a father, who got kicked out of his house because she called the alcoholic step-mother an alcoholic.  
  6. What those first years of independent living were like, the sexual abuse, the frequent moves, the bad and the good decisions I made during that time, and how so many of those decisions provided a foundation for who I am now.
  7. What it’s like to have family and friends all over the world who I miss immensely and how their absence/distance from my life leaves a hole that isn’t fillable, and sometimes, it’s too much.
  8. How I had a bad day the other day. I was emotional, near tears all day, and I didn’t know why. It’s a big deal that I reached out for comfort, knowing that I needed time and physical touch with one of the men I love.  How A came and met me during my lunch break and we sat in the back of his truck and snuggled and chatted. How I melted into him and everything was right again.  How hard it is for me to ask for that comfort when I need it.  I’m so fiercely strong and independent, and being vulnerable isn’t always my strong point. I can ask for what I need because for the first time in my life, I’m dating men who actually want my happiness, and that breaks down walls, and I’m so thankful for them.
  9. How heartbreaking it is when my kids complain that they don’t see me enough and I have to explain that I have to work extra right now so we have a house and food and clothes and all the necessities of life and have them say they just want to be with me.  Then I hold them and cuddle them and tell them I love them.
  10. What it felt like to introduce my kids to O and to meet his daughter. How he’s changed my expectations in my relationships and had me reevaluate so many of my priorities in my dating life.  How good it feels to know I can talk to him about everything and have him understand and respect my boundaries and work with me to build the relationship we want together.  

What’s my point?  There are things that I haven’t written about. Ironically, I just admitted to some in writing, but my point would be lost if I didn’t write in my blog! Everyone has a story and very few others are privy to all the details.  Even those who are in the know most certainly didn’t live the feelings, nuances, details, and stress. Sometimes, we have to remember that everyone has a story, everyone has a battle they are fighting, and everyone deserves compassion and understanding.

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Choose Every Day

I’ve had a lot of conversations with A about relationship structures and obligations, responsibilities, and priorities in poly relationships and how they relate to hierarchy.  Hierarchy doesn’t have to be a bad thing.  Formalized rules and regulation and veto usually are, at least in my experience, but also don’t have to be bad.  I had a friend recently who really liked a guy.  She wanted to continue dating him.  She ran away as fast as she could in the opposite direction when he laid out the rules he and his wife had:  The wife had to know all the plans for the date.  He had to be home by 11 p.m.  His wife needed all of my friend’s sexual partners disclosed to her. No more than one date every week.  No overnights.  It went on.  Honestly, I wouldn’t ever consider dating a man with that type of primary relationship structure.  It smacks of insecurity.  Having been married to an insecure man and dealing with him as my partner in a poly relationship and having him date an even more insecure woman and dealing with her particular insanity have me on high alert for those types of control issues.  Too many rules inevitably mean that someone is try to control the situation because they are uncomfortable, usually driven by insecurity, or lack of stability in their relationship.  I just can’t date a person who lives in that world.  

Fortunately, A, O, and I don’t suffer from major insecurities, we all communicate well and have very few rules apart from the “Be safe, be honest, be respectful” undercurrent in all our time together.  But what this means is that there is a lot of communication about other relationships, how we feel about them, and how the relationships overlap.  I came into my relationship with A knowing he was married.  I’ve never expected or desired any more than exactly what we have right now.  What we have is absolutely perfect for us.  But I actively chose to respect his relationship and honour his commitments to his marriage, his family, his business and everything else in his life.  F liked to criticize my relationship structure with my other partners when we were still together, so I had to think a lot about what I want and how I feel about my relationships.  I enter every relationship with the same idea – that no matter what the obligations and responsibilities are, I will respect my partner’s choices.  I’ve dated a few solo poly men with kids, a solo poly guy with dogs and a mortgage, and a couple married men.  The point to me is that no matter who they are or what they do or what their life looks like, they come with a life that they have chosen and that requires respect and consideration when developing the relationship structure that we want together.

A few weeks ago, A and I were talking about his different relationships and what they meant.  In typical practical A fashion, he said something to the effect of: “I have a 20 year history with my wife, a family, a mortgage, and an entire life together.  With you, we don’t share anything.  Ending my marriage would be devastating.  Ending my relationship with you would suck, but it would be easy.”  OK, obvious heart pang aside, there is an element of truth in this statement that is obvious.  When you only share selfies, a few pornographic videos and pics, and hot sex, the relationship is easier to untangle.  When you share retirement savings, progeny that contain 50% of your DNA each, and purchased your bed together, things are a little more complicated.  This was quite apparent to me this past weekend, when I was talking to a poly friend about her boyfriend and her husband.  She’s been with her husband for 23 years.  They were high school sweethearts.  I said something about my divorce and she said “I wish I was as strong as you.  I should leave my husband, but it’s just too hard.  I still love him, but I’m not happy.  I think we are just together out of habit.”  Another friend came over for wine last week.  She said she was going to give her marriage another four years, and then she’s gone.  Four years!  Knowing she’s planning on ending it.  Her reasoning?  They can’t afford to live apart right now.  They need each other’s incomes.  They are staying together out of practicality, not because they want, need, or desire each other in their life.  

These conversations had me thinking.  As I’ve looked back over my marriage, critically analyzing my role in the whole process we went through, I realized that I fell back into that routine and comfort in a relationship, continually moving forward without really considering if it was what I wanted for myself.  I just accepted it as the commitment that I made, no longer considering if it was, in fact, what I needed and wanted in my life.  If it fulfilled me and my need for connection and love.  I really didn’t consider that I was unhappy.  I just thought that was how it should be.  Of course, it’s easier for me to break up with a boyfriend of a few months than it is to break up with my husband, who I have four kids with, a mortgage, retirement savings, debt, and a 14 year history.  But that for as long as I can remember, I didn’t really consider if I *wanted* to be in that relationship, but just accepted it without thought, is a bit of a problem in my mind.

I was thinking about my current relationships, the relationships I have had in the last year, and the relationships I would like going forward, and I realized something that is a strength of polyamorous relationship structure that is lacking in monogamous relationships: the common thread about all of my poly relationships is that every day, I choose them.  There is something completely romantic to me in the fact that every morning, I choose A and O.  I choose the time I spend with them, I choose the contact and communication I have with them, I choose to be completely with them when we are together.  I carve out time in my life to prioritize them because I love them.  In my monogamous relationships, they all started out that way, but eventually life took over, we took each other for granted, and we moved forward as a matter of routine.  It wasn’t choosing each other, but rather, not choosing something or someone else.

This complacency isn’t something I want in my life.  I’ve spent the last year actively choosing only things that make me happy and fulfill me in ways that I hadn’t previously dreamed. I’ve made some hard choices, some even harder choices, and some that were so easy that I wondered why I didn’t make them sooner. Within my relationship with A, it’s easy to avoid complacency.  We won’t escalate to the point where we ever won’t have to choose to be together.  We won’t share life in the way that anything could become routine.  Now that I have a partner who is likely to escalate to all the levels, I’m trying to work through the mental exercise of how I can hypothetically take on all the comforts and commitments of a shared life and responsibilities and obligations that go with it, while avoiding that mental switch that turns it from a choice to a routine.  I want to choose to live my life the way I want every day for the rest of my life.  I don’t want to go through life as a matter of routine, like a ghost floating through my days without actively engaging in my life and connecting with the important people in it. I want to remember all the reasons I value my partners, friends, family, jobs, and overall life, always.  I want to go through the rest of my life actively choosing it.  I think a strength of the polyamorous relationship structures that I’ve chosen, is that I do get that choice.  Every day.

Perfectly happy

In the past 2 weeks, I’ve completely fallen for O.  Thankfully, he’s also fallen for me. We mock ourselves for falling hard and fast, but neither of us is interested in stepping off or even slowing down our runaway train.  It’s just right.  Everything about it.  The last couple of nights, I slept at his house. We got a lot of time to chat and laugh and connect and lots of intimate time too.  This morning when I arrived at work, after he dropped me off that is, because I shut off my alarm and sort of….um…..got side-tracked before getting out of bed and getting ready for my day until it

was way too late for me to make it to work via public transit, I sat in my office sort of reentering into reality after the last few wonderful days.  Reentry wasn’t difficult or painful or anything negative. It was wonderful. Lost in the feeling of something so amazing coming blasting into my life in such a powerful way.  Reminding myself of the things I have to get done in the next few weeks at my job and how little stress I feel about them.  Reflecting on the powerful nature of the last few weeks and how truly happy and fulfilled I am.  In my true fashion, I had to message O and just express exactly how I feel.  This is what I said:

“I’ve spent the bulk of the morning distracted, thinking about how amazing the last few days were.  I know I’ve said it over and over and over, but I love what we have.  The intensity of our connection, the comfort of our touch, the hotness of our intimacy, and the laughter and learning in all of our conversations.  I love that we can be honest without judgement, support each other without having to be asked, and that we fall into each other and fit together so perfectly.  Everything about us, the acceptance, love, and connection, well, it’s just RIGHT.  Thank you for coming charging into my life, stealing my heart and turning my world upside down.  I wouldn’t trade these last 2 weeks for the world.  I love you.”

I really can’t put how I feel any more succinctly.  I’m just completely happy.

 


Things with A are also perfect. The walls he had up that kept me at a distance are gone.  There’s a connection between us that has just strengthened more and more in the last few months.  It’s exactly what I suspected was there all along, but I love the feeling of reciprocation of my feelings for him.  I love what we have and truthfully, I loved it before too. I would have continued the way we were, but now that I have that extra deep loving connection, I’m so secure in our relationship that it’s hard to imagine I ever questioned it.  

Yesterday, we went out for drinks, were just chatting away at one of our favourite pubs, and a couple of his friends were there.  One came over and said “Hi”, but was extremely awkward.  He is one of the many that know about me, but I suspect he may be a little uncomfortable with our relationship structure.  The other friend left, so A sent him a teasing text about walking past us, and he returned and had a couple drinks with us.  It was the first time that our relationship overlapped with the rest of A’s life with any substance.  It was completely normal.  His friend didn’t treat me strangely, made an effort to engage me in conversation, and was generally very pleasant.  Of course I said a few things that made his eyes bulge, but that’s kind of a thing I do with most people.  It was so nice, just a further breaking down of the walls that were there before, figuratively speaking anyway.

A dropped me back off at work and as I kissed him goodbye and breathed him in, he said exactly what I was thinking.  He said: “I love the way you smell, it’s such a comfort zone for me now.”  I laughed, kissed him, told him I loved him and jumped out of his truck.  

He’s going through more stress than anyone should ever face, let alone all at the same time.  Yet his attitude is amazing.  He is so strong.  What all this means to me, is that I am in a place where I can be a comfort to him. Support him.  Be (one) soft place to fall.  I appreciate this role more than I can say, since he was that place for me this whole last year.  That sometimes that comfort comes with the response to the way I smell when I kiss him?  Perfect.

Dickhead

I keep starting a version of this post and either falling asleep or getting distracted with one of my million other priorities.  The thing is, life is so good, that it’s kind of difficult to write about.  It kind of seems like “Here’s my charmed life and it’s awesomeness, care if I rub your nose in it right now?”  But then I got thinking today, thanks to Facebook memories.

This coming Friday is one year since my first date with D.  He hasn’t shown up at the last couple events that we should have run into each other at, so either he has shit going on, or he’s avoiding me.  I guess it’s possible that I made it that awkward, but I like to think that I couldn’t have that big of an effect on him.  Realistically speaking, it doesn’t matter to me.  I’m so caught up in my relationships with A and O, that I haven’t thought about D at all apart from a “Huh, too bad he’s not here, he’s missing out”.  So when my Facebook memories popped up yesterday with a “Congratulations on one year of Friendship” video (yes, we were Facebook friends before we met in person), I was shocked to see him, and then shocked that I hadn’t thought about him in so long.  

When I was trying to pick a letter for O for this blog, I gave him a choice of letter, his first name starts with a “D”, so it makes sense that he would be D, but since it was taken, this wasn’t an option.  We settled on “O”, and that was it. Truthfully, D has come to mean more than the name I referred to D as in my blog.  When I first asked F for a trial separation, D sent me this song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suaveqvlWP8

I love this song.  The Dickhead theme kept me going through some of the harder days of my breakup with F.  It’s why D sent it to me.  Something to make me laugh about all the crazy stupidity that was going on in my personal life.  There were days when I listened to it on repeat.  I may have once turned it on full volume when F was talking to me about something and treating me inappropriately. I left it in my YouTube playlist and it continued to come up from time to time.  Now, the song no longer makes me think of F, although “Dickhead” can be a very good name to sum up who he is.  But every time it comes on, it reminds me of D.  It turns out that D no longer is as simple as a letter to maintain anonymity.  I guess it stopped being just that soon after I fell for him.  D, someone I was once Devoted to, someone I Desired, and someone I thought was part of my Destiny, turned out to be a Disappointment, a Deplorable communicator, and a DICKHEAD!  

It’s childish. It’s funny.  It’s apt.  It’s true.

 

Deep love and a game changer

My world has turned upside down in the most wonderful way.  Everything is fabulous.  Everything.  The last week with A has been great.  We’ve had several good chats and the shift in him – the removal of walls, the calm acceptance, and commitment of love that we’ve experienced in the last weeks – seems to be planning on sticking around.  I’ve known for a long time how he felt about me, but hearing those three words, and then more over the last week has me smiling at my phone like a twitterpated fool on a semi-regular basis because of him.  Yesterday though, he had my heart exploding with love for him.  I was simply being a supportive girlfriend as he processed some stress in his life, a role I love filling, as he is so rarely in need of my support, where I feel I’ve been leaning on him a lot, especially in the last six months. Yesterday, I got a few messages, and they all amounted to this:

I am thankful for you.  I absolutely 100% am glad I rejected you. You have been an amazing partner and helped me transform into someone I never expected or anticipated. I love you! You are pretty amazing!  Totally the best girlfriend ever…

These came with my responses in between, but the words are his.  I honestly didn’t think I could love him more.  I knew in my heart how I felt about him. He knew how I felt about him because I’m not shy about who I am and what I want and how I feel.  I suspected how he felt about me, because his actions spoke loudly, even if he was mute for words.  Hearing him say it? Reading those words?  I’m a twitterpated teenager in love, my heart bursting and just wanting to giggle and kiss him and hold him to me.  I’m so incredibly thankful that I took his offer of friendship and crossed the couch last January.

Speaking of twitterpated teenager in love, that’s a general theme in my life lately.  The intensity with A is there, still very strong 10 months in, but the fact is that O has taken my life by storm and the twitterpated teenager in me can’t get enough of him.  I’ve fallen for him.  Hard and fast and fearfully. It’s wonderful and a bit terrifying.  

He’s a game changer.  Three weeks ago, I was saying that I was going to be solo-poly forever, that I had no desire to ever commit to a nesting partner again, that I doubted I’d ever be out in the open with any of my relationships again.  The last few days, O and I have talked about how we have limitless potential. I’ve been pretty honest about how I’m feeling with him.  That I’m extremely excited about him, I’ve thought about the potential our relationship has, and that it kind of scares the shit out of me.  I’m not entirely comfortable when I’m not in control, and my emotions for him are a bit of a runaway train.  That being said, I want to grip onto this train and hold tight, because he feels the exact same way.  We can hold on together and to each other, and I have every reason to believe that we can do this together successfully.  I remember reading about game changers when I read “More than Two”, and kind of rolling my eyes.  “Not me, I’m so in control of my emotions and my life choices.”  Well, I’m still in control of those things, but in a way where things I didn’t expect I’d want are some of the choices I may be willing to consider in the future.  I’m pragmatic though. I understand that we are so very new, despite falling fast. That there are unknowns that are coming, including his other partner(s), and how their relationships will develop.  So for now, just knowing how I feel, and that the potential exists there and we are both interested in pursuing where ever it is that we are going is enough.

Falling in love? Amazing.  Falling in love with someone who feels the same way about you?  Incredible.  Falling in love while being honest with others and true to yourself?  Perfection.

Freedom and love: G gives me perspective

Life is still incredibly amazing. I’ve made so many good decisions for myself in recent months, and my happiness is the reward for each individual success.  Tonight, G came over for dinner.  She is so great at communication that she came over a few weeks ago to ask for a little more time and connection with me.  Instead of doing things, she needed to connect – have substantial conversations and just be with me.  There are few things in this world that I appreciate more than people I love who communicate well, and this is true in this case also.  It’s so easy to give the people you love what they need when they ask you for exactly what that thing is.  Well, this evening was full of connection.  We cuddled and chatted and had supper and just laughed and talked and, well, were.  We just were.

So much happened in my life in the last week that there was a lot to catch her up on. With O, who has taken my life by storm and with A, who has been a bit of a storm of his own this week.  Talking about her world and its developments and a healthy dose of sex talk and sex toy conversations. It was wonderful!

Among the things that came up was how she never asks for help from others.  That several of the people in life are rarely aware that she is struggling until she fills them in later after she’s done processing. That is so familiar to me.  In fact, it sort of hit home when she said that, because she was the only person for months who knew that I was still hurting about D. That when I saw him it was like getting hit in the chest with a bazooka (no, this has not actually happened to me, it’s what I imagine getting hit in the chest with a bazooka would feel like).  I mentioned that to her and we talked through a few points to do with him.

Specifically, I realized that while I had been honest with myself when I saw him about still loving him, I had only been honest with G about what I was still feeling.  Even then I wasn’t completely clear with her.  Then a few things happened.  It was pointed out to me in conversation with someone who has never said a bad thing about D before that he is a total asshole.  I immediately proceeded to defend him and was stopped.  Simply put, he said: “Anyone who did to you what he did, in the way he did it, is an asshole.  There’s nothing to discuss there.”  This truth hit me hard.  It also happened only a few days after I had drunk texted D.  Now, my drunk text wasn’t particularly bad.  I wasn’t proclaiming everlasting love or pining for him.  I was just thinking about him and reached out.  I was drunk, so it wasn’t the most coherent ending, and the next morning, I apologized, said my train of thought clearly derailed and exploded, and explained that I wanted nothing from him but would like to be friends.  It was kind, apologetic, and I was a little vulnerable in it all.  He never responded.  

It’s funny to me that this seemingly small, insignificant event, one that I laughed off nearly immediately, was the final nail in the coffin of my affection for D.  In the end, I realized how little compassion and understanding he truly feels for others.  I realized how selfish and uncommunicative he was.  How he didn’t respect me enough to just say “hey, no thanks” to an offer of meeting for lunch.  

I was explaining all this to G today, and I said: “I could forgive him for dumping me the way he did.”  For not communicating when I had questions or offering an explanation or honouring what we shared.  But when he showed so little compassion for me when I asked directly for a response, I couldn’t hide behind the excuse that it was a one time thing.  All that time I spent thinking he was true to himself and did what he felt he needed to do to be happy meant I didn’t realize that he actually is just an uncompassionate, selfish, broken person.  This isn’t easy for me to write.  I write it, and despite months of  being apart, my go-to is to defend him. To focus on those amazing times before he broke up with me.  To forget that he hurt me worse than any man ever has.  

But G said several somethings tonight that hit me right where I needed to be smacked.  The first thing she said was that she couldn’t believe I could forgive him, because she hadn’t.  She said she is still every bit as angry at him as she was on day one because the way he acted was inappropriate and he hurt someone she loved.  She said she is pretty sure it was my divorce that was too much for him, which was too bad.  I said that the unfortunate part is that if he had just hung out and waited it out, only a couple months later, I was, by far, the best version of me I had ever been.  I pointed out that the people who waded through that dark time with me were now the people who were receiving the best version of me they possibly could.  That I am the best me in every part of my life now.  That people like A stuck it out and supported me and were everything I needed them to be.  He was exactly what I needed him to be on so many nights where I was done with everything in my world and I needed him to make me forget it all.  I remember saying to him that I needed to not talk about my hurt or anger, that I needed him to overwhelm me with sensation and make me forget anything and everything but what was going on in the moment.  I remember saying a version of that for weeks (months?) in a row.  I know that he never once failed to do so.  He helped me forget.  He helped me numb myself.  He helped me heal.  He helped me become the me I am now.  Not because he supported me (which he did) or that he put up with my crazy (which he did), but because he LET me hurt and be and process and ask for what I needed and take charge and just held on for the ride. He didn’t demand anything of me and never tried to save me and he was exactly what I needed him to be because he let me be the strong independent person I am and the weak person who needed to heal at the same time.

What she said, that hit me like a ton of bricks straight to the head, was: “Did it occur to you that what you got was the best version of D, and that he wasn’t good enough for you?”  Wait!!! What???  The idea that the best version of him wasn’t the wonderful times, but the man who broke up with me via email with no reason and then cut off all communication with me wasn’t what I was expecting, but when it hit, it hit hard and stuck there.  She’s absolutely right.  

As my best friend, soul sister, and a person I love unconditionally, G has my heart in her hands. She knows me well, she loves me deeply, and she isn’t scared to verbalize the hard truths.  Today, she said something that threw me for a loop.  She said that the people in my world who love me and attach to me thrive off my love of life, my energy, and my enthusiasm. That when I am down, or going through a dark period, like this summer after D dumped me, and I had to process all the hurt of the previous six months,  they can’t feed off my energy, and it’s hard for them. Some people, who want and can give that love and energy back to me when I’m not able to give myself, stick by me, support me, and love me.  Others, who just want to take, well, they leave, killing off a bit of that part of me that gives.  Fortunately, that giving part of me regenerates once I evict those people from my heart.  I’ve just completed that regeneration.  It’s amazingly liberating.  When I talked to A about this the other day, he made the point that I’m finally at that point where I can love in a way that isn’t limited due to hurt.  That I’m free again.  I think my NRE with O is a true expression of that new-found freedom and space in my heart, freed by my finally letting go of D. Freedom and love: basic human rights, at least in my world.

Finally….er….I mean…good things come to those who wait

In the last month or so, something has shifted in my relationship with A.  I’ve sensed it for a while.  There’s a difference in how we interact. The comfort and the depth of our interactions seems to have changed.  I suspect this started with the threesome, as strange as it is.  I think that the shared experience, the trust, the connection, and support that came out of that experience broke down another layer of his extensive walls.  I have no doubt that last weekend away together helped too, but even before then, I sensed it in the way he looked at me and touched me that something had changed.  I mentioned it to him the other day and he said that I might be right, but was unsatisfied with my “I don’t know, it’s just different” response when he asked what had changed.

    A and U are dating.  I’ve been encouraging this for weeks, because the connection between them was obvious.  Seeing how U reacts to A made me really happy for him.  Honestly, now I’m full of compersion for him after I processed through all my feelings the other day.  A’s just so damn adorable.  I chatted with U about my feelings too.  I wanted her to know that A and I had talked and worked through things.  Keeping in mind that U is one of my best friends, she apologized and said she should have asked.  I just responded that they had done nothing wrong, had she asked me, I would have said “Yes” and nothing would have been different.  No one was more surprised than I was when I responded negatively to them hooking up. Although, admittedly, A was quite surprised too. Honestly, I’m kind of glad it happened the way it did.  It was a confirmation for me of the feelings I have for him, a reminder to me that logic and reason are really important, but sometimes it’s not simple to live that reason, no matter how much you want to, and it led to a feelings conversation with A that was so productive, simple, and understanding with commitment and caring throughout the whole thing.  Within that whole exchange, I got a sense that my love for A was being reflected back at me.  I think that it was the first time that I didn’t feel like there was an imbalance in our affection. In fact, now, reflecting on the whole thing, I think that is exactly it, and why it was so comforting.

    A and U had lunch on Friday, where they figured out their rough map for moving forward in their own dating relationship.  How potential group sex situations fit in there will be a play by ear thing, but I’m not really stressed about that.  What I love is seeing A full of NRE.  He smiles like a teenage boy when he talks about U.  He’s obviously happy to be able to fit her into his life in a way that works for both of them.  He’s really adorable actually, with his blushing and his dimples.  Together, we’re like a pair of teenagers who talk about our crushes excitedly.  Truthfully, his excitement and the incredible ability he has had to communicate his feelings this last week have only served to make me more attracted to him and more in love with him.  Ten months in and my feelings just get stronger.

    A’s wife is running potential dates past me and I’ve warned her off a guy or two.  We had a hilarious conversation about a super hot guy she’s talking to and how cute A is with how excited he is about U.  We had a hilarious conversation about me test driving a guy and reporting back to her and how we already share well, so it would work.  Honestly, I’m absolutely loving chatting to her more and getting to know her better.  For myself personally, I always feel better knowing my metamours.  It just makes everything easier.  It removes assumptions and improves communication. A has already expressed how much easier it is for him now that we are chatting more and it seems to be reflecting in her comfort with starting to date and A dating U too.

    On our last date, A and I updated each other on all the crazy events of our life.  He told me that U asked him straight out while they were at lunch if he loves me.  Here’s how that conversation went:

A: “So U asked me if I’m in love with you.”

Me:  “And how did you answer?”

A:  “Honestly!”

Me: “That’s not what I meant!  What did you answer?”

A: “The truth!”

Me: “You’re so fucking frustrating! What was your response?”

A: “I answered her honestly with the truth.”

Me:  “Asshole!”

This went on and on for several hours.  Through hot sex and cuddles after. He just diverted and had me frustrated and we laughed and laughed.  I called him about 7 or 8 other creative names and he just laughed at me.  Despite this, it was an amazing night.  More videos taken, lots of connection, and just what I wanted from him that night. The reality with all this love stuff is that I’ve known for some time that he loves me. He just likes to be a pain in the ass.  I can tell by the way he looks at me, by the way he touches me, and by the way he is committed to what we have.  All of that didn’t change the fact that I *really* wanted to hear him say the words.  It was never critical and would never have changed the way I feel, but saying “I love you” is as natural to me as breathing when I love someone and everyone wants to hear it said back.  

    I was happily satisfied with our date as I walked A to the door.  I kissed him and as usual put my arms around the back of his neck.  He reached through my arms, moving them out of the way, grabbed my head, looked me in the eyes, said “I love you” and kissed me.  It was perfect.  

    Between my NRE and that perfect moment, I was a bundle of happiness as I headed to bed.  I totally didn’t fall back on my bed, first sighing audibly, then giggling like a teenage girl.  No one can prove I did.