A couple weeks ago, F and I finally signed our separation papers  It seems that this fact isn’t going to speed things up for us as now I’m getting excuses as to why he can’t find time to sign the land transfer forms from the real estate lawyer.  This is pretty standard fare for him and while he’s away with W on a mini-vacation, I’m working at my second job instead of being home with my kids in the middle of this 13 day stretch. The fact that I picked up my kids early the other day so that he could go away with her notwithstanding, I have been thinking a lot about them and the breakdown of my marriage.  This was all triggered by the fact that my kids let it slip that F and W are looking at buying a house together and a rather annoying thread about hierarchy on a local poly group where W was her awful self. This and a couple other things had me thinking about the dysfunction in the way she interacted with F during our marriage and the way things appear to be going now.

I realized long ago that her insane need for privacy drove a wedge between F and I. I’m not talking personal privacy, things that are understandably none of my business, I wasn’t even allowed to know what they did on their dates, where they went, or who they were with.  I never had a chance at compersion, because I didn’t know what was going on, ever. I remember F talking about her insecurity and how she is such a private person. How it was exhausting to him to have to reassure her and take steps to prevent her upset. I remember him questioning me and my motivations because he had heard something from her.  He talked a lot about how she was so ethical and forceful in making sure people understood her perspective. I realized the other day, that what W did in those early months is classic abuser behaviour. She isolated F from his support system, she ensured the only messages he heard were hers, and insisted that none of what she communicated was shared with others.  She manipulated him almost expertly and he fell for it, hook, line, and sinker.

I’m not saying that F was innocent, because he certainly wasn’t.  We were headed to divorce either way, and his choice to believe her so blindly helped accelerate that.  His passive aggressive manipulation as a way of communication was ever present in our marriage and truthfully, we had each stopped being present in our relationship years before.  By “we”, I mean me too. I know that I wasn’t that great of a wife and that my apathy and sometimes outright contempt for him was years in the making. I realize now how much I want to do things for and work with my partners now, just because I love them, and that isn’t something I’ve felt since before F and I were married.  You see, years of dysfunctional communication happens from both sides, and I certainly am to blame as well.

However, dysfunction aside, looking back on it, it feels so strange that F was so obviously manipulated. I suspect he was in love with the attention he was getting and the support she gave him.  I suspect her demand for privacy and secrecy made him feel loved and desired, like it was a bit of a gift she was giving him, trusting him, so that he willingly cut me out more and more. It was strange to me that when I protested that secrecy to that level was unhealthy, he defended her, but I look back now and I see it is part of the abusive partner’s handbook, and she played that well.  

The other day, she was making a point about how hierarchy exists as a function of couple’s privilege.  I don’t disagree with this, but the idea that established relationships should be respected before expectations and demands are made by the newest partner seems like a given to me.  Within a couple weeks of F meeting W, I was receiving complaints that W thought F having to parent our kids while I was on a night shift was hierarchy. As I read her thoughts on the hierarchy thread and as she argued that couple privilege is the basis of hierarchy, all I saw was the whining, insecurity, and need for control that was so pervasive when she was my metamour.  Someone in the thread asked her to give an example of how privilege is hierarchy and she basically refused, at one point, she said that they fact that the person asking about examples of hierarchy was displaying hierarchy and privilege because she didn’t understand what W meant. This circular argument is all about semantics. On top of that, it strongly resembles gaslighting: she was basically saying that the person asking for clarification was wrong to want to have examples and understand, implying that she was stupid for not automatically accepting W’s point, even though W hadn’t actually made it, other than stating her opinion as fact.

Less than a week after we signed our separation papers, I found out that F is looking at houses to buy with W.  The idea of being financially intertwined with anyone in the future makes me throw up a little in my mouth, while the idea of buying a property with someone when the ink isn’t dry on our separation papers is completely unfathomable.  I think this is just another sign of how incredibly far he’s fallen into her clutches. She has three kids, he has four. She’s been a single mom for a long time, with apparently “good” relationships with the fathers of her children. She’s been renting for years.  She has a job that doesn’t require anything more than high school education, so I’m guessing she doesn’t make more than just above the poverty line, plus her child support. Yet, just after F’s separation papers are signed, where he fought for every single penny and played victim through the whole negotiation, where it was obvious her words were coming out of his mouth, they are looking for a house.  He is buying a house with his girlfriend, when he makes at least three times as much as she does a year. Under no circumstance, even without my jade(d)-colour glasses, does this seem like a good idea.

I am sad that F has been manipulated into this situation, but there is little I can or, truthfully, want to do, about it.  He is an adult who gets to make his own decisions, no matter how stupid they are. My life is much better without him in it, despite the ongoing stress that I will have for the next 15 years as we parent these lovely beings that we created into adulthood.  What bothers me is that my children will have this woman as their step-mother. Her kids as their step-siblings. That means that this horrible, manipulative, abusive, and all around nasty person will be a more permanent part of my children’s lives. It’s going to be hard enough helping my kids through dealing with the passive aggressive manipulation that F deals out, but having to do with W’s version too, and the effect it has on F is going to add to that stress.  My heart breaks for my monkeys at the very thought of it.


Stressed less


Tonight, I was overwhelmed. I got on the wrong bus from work. I popped a hole in my leggings during the day and chaffing made every step painful. I ran around like a chicken with its head cut off all day and all of that running around required me to use my brain at at least 80% capacity.  Given that I normally run around using my brain at about 30% capacity, my brain is hurting a bit. I love my job. Today was a rare day that was too much, but it really was too much.

I was supposed to have a date with S tonight.  I texted on my way home and told her about my day, and she recognized immediately what a hot mess I was.  We discussed rescheduling and decided to do so. She’s amazing. She has a capacity for empathy and understanding that is beyond that which anyone I know ever has.  While I felt bad about cancelling, I knew she got me. I knew she forgave me. I knew she just wanted my happiness and my calm. She is a keeper, in every sense.

My stress is kind of peaking right now. F decided to back out on a verbal agreement we had in negotiations to use the same accountant for taxes to maximize our returns.  He decided to passive aggressively manipulate me by backing out last minute with no explanation. This led to a bit of an argument that was mostly more passive aggressive bullshit on his part, mostly me establishing how inappropriate it was and quite a bit of rage and anger on my part.  He then asked about some camping stuff that I had itemized at the beginning of January and then we agreed on how to divide it. Because it’s March in Canada, we have three feet of snow, so everyone needs camping stuff right now. I told him he’d get it when life returned to a less than crazy state and as part of that I counted the number of days I’ve had off work since the beginning of January.  I’ve had 5 days off since January 1, including January 1. This week, my work life got crazy. A huge dump of hard work just got placed on my plate. I’ve been doing a lot of troubleshooting and stressing and generally hard work. It’s awesome and fun and intellectually stimulating, and exhausting.

The other day, I realized that my workload was so much more last year.  Everything was new, so I was preparing from scratch every week. I didn’t notice the stress.  There was so much going on at home that work was a break. Even though I had to really focus and prepare and troubleshoot and be on all the time, work was my break. It was my break from my life at home. The constant conflict. The screaming, the blame, the arguing, the hurt, the crying, the awful.  Going to work, with the immense pressure that was going on was a BREAK. This year, rather than surviving, I am actually experiencing a normal level of stress at this time of year. There is so much that is sad in that realisation. What is stressing me out this year was a break last year. The stress of work that took me away from the emotional strain in my personal life was a break.  It took my brain away from the fight at home. I love my job. It’s amazing. My job should never be a break from my life at home. It should be in addition to. This fact hit me like a brick to the head today.

I have a tribe of amazing people in my life. People who love me and support me and are rallying behind me as I massacre my demons and move through life much more functionally.  It’s been a very interesting process, opening my heart and trusting these people. Realizing that they mean what they say and do what they promise and love me and accept me for who I am.  Where I was a year ago was so hard. Where I am today, it’s hard too. But the difference is that last year, I was just beginning to know my own value. I didn’t feel loved and appreciated.  I had just begun to love myself, be true to myself, to understand why I was of value to others. Today, I am absolutely certain that I am an incredible person. I know what I have to give. I know why people love me.  I also know why I have to establish hard and clear boundaries with each of them. I know why those two fabulous people in my life who love me, A and S, are committed to me and our relationship. I know why they love me and I love them.

In the end, I realized that the fact that I’m overwhelmed with work at the moment is a good thing. It means I’m not barely coping with my life and going through the motions. My life is so stable and functional that I am able to have normal levels of stress.  How amazing is that?



I wrote the above when I was exhausted to the point that I was near catatonic.  The next day was equally crazy, but I had a major professional win that lifted my spirits amid the exhaustion. Today is a rare Friday when I don’t have a date with A because he rescheduled to last night.  Yesterday, he picked me up from work. It was so obvious that he was beyond exhausted. He’s so tired that he is having a hard time focusing at work and then is extra hard on himself because of it. So, I suggested he take a nap while I make dinner.  What this meant was that because I had to make a stop after he dropped me off at my van, he hit a new record: Asleep before I even got home! Truthfully, I really enjoyed my two hours of cooking and singing along with my music and drinking wine. It was comforting knowing I could give him some peace after the crazy that his days have been. Honestly, it’s just kind of nice to be able to do some nice things for someone I love – like cooking or getting them a drink.  It’s amazing to me that it’s so refreshing to do these things when it’s not an expectation of my partner, but it’s such a burden when it’s expected.

I woke him up when food was ready and we ate.  Then we spent a few hours just chatting on the couch before heading to bed.  This date was everything I needed. It was the connection I was craving. I’m pretty sure it was the connection he needed too.  I feel reset.

Now, I spend a weekend working.  Working the second job while finishing up projects for the full-time job.  Only a few more weeks until life gets easier. At this point, I just need to keep breathing in and breathing out and taking one step at a time. Thankfully, the only stress I have is work-related. Such a change from this time last year.


Things went stale this last week (Thank you A and S for the reminders – I’m glad I have you two to remind me to write about….you two!).  Not for any particular reason other than I was busy living my life and working too much.  I had a much-needed day off on Sunday that was my first day off after 20 days straight of work between my two jobs.  However, last week was a little less stressful at my full-time job and I took that as an opportunity to cash in and work a lot more at my casual job, which is stressful at best and has crazy hours, so I wore myself out. Then, on the two days I had kids that I could get away, I had mommy-daughter dates with two of my girls. I’m not sure I can adequately express exactly how cool those kids are, and how much I enjoyed my time with them, but it means that I entered this week behind, with little chance of catching up until April.

I took my #2 to visit A’s wife and have coffee on one of the dates.  Their cat had kittens a couple months ago so we went over to cuddle kittens and visit. I had an amazing talk with A’s wife.  She’s truly an absolutely lovely person.  I wrote a while ago about how I would like a better relationship with her as a metamour and with her also dating, that transition seems to be happening naturally. I don’t know if it’s because it’s easier for her now that things are more “balanced” in her and A’s relationship dynamic or if it’s because she now understands on a more personal level what the relationship outside of the life partnership means to the other person, or something else, but I love it.  

A was having a pretty rough week a couple weeks ago (when he passed out less than 30 minutes after arriving at my place) and so his wife and I talked about how much fun he is to deal with when he’s grumpy and even shared a fist bump in solidarity!  One of the things she said that meant a lot to me was that she is so glad that A has found someone who understands him and accepts him as he is.  How he can be gruff and a bit of an asshole sometimes and doesn’t always really care how others see him.  I said that one of the many things about him that I love is that he is unapologetically himself.  I always know exactly where I stand with him, even if I sometimes have to ask.  She said something I have often thought and also means a lot to me: “Isn’t it wonderful having a relationship with someone who chooses every day to be with you?”

IT ABSOLUTELY IS!  The thing about my relationships now is that I have to put a lot of effort into maintaining contact, being clear about what I’m doing, where I am emotionally, and whether I need or want support.  I have had to learn to explain things clearly, not react in the moment until I have more information, and to ask for information when I find some lacking. I have spent some time reevaluating my expectations and totally changing them altogether in some instances. The fact is that every day, I choose A. Every day, I choose S.  And every day, they choose me.  There’s no taking for granted in our situations.  We actively participate in our lives together in whatever form they take, daily.

One of the things that came up between A’s wife and I was that I had to ask her for their address.  Initially, when A and I started dating, they had a rule that they didn’t host dates at their house.  Their house was for their family.  I had been to his house briefly one night when he had to feed his animals while we were on a date, but had no idea where it was, to be honest.  Since my house is mine and even when I was married F worked night shifts, I have always hosted. This is never a problem for me, as I like being at home, it allows me to have dates after my kids go to bed, and it means that I don’t have to drive at the end of the night, I can just roll over and fall asleep.  It strikes me how amusing it is that the first time I went to A’s on my own, he wasn’t even home!

As we were talking about him and his more grouchy nature as of late, we both commented how badly we want him to take a vacation.  It was really positive and quite obvious how much both of us love him and want him to be happy.  We talked about how she wants to plan a getaway and how I totally agree that they need to get away soon, preferably before her work ramps up to chaos levels again.  He needs to be removed from his crazy 14-18 hour days he’s been “on” lately, often seven days a week, and be forced to take care of himself.  I know that part of all this is that he really enjoys the people he works with and the challenges of running his business, but no one can burn a candle at both ends indefinitely, and he’s nearing the end of his wick.  Thankfully, a few days after this conversation, they booked a vacation, so they are heading out in a few weeks!

Somewhere in the conversation, I said “I want to go on a tropical vacation!” and A’s wife said: “I know A is looking forward to a time when you and he can go away together.  I anticipate that we will be doing staggering vacations or even all go on vacation together some time.”  This is music to my ears.  I have a ton of vacation days, and a reasonably flexible schedule if I can plan in advance, and A doesn’t have either.  So being able to share his vacation days with him would be ideal.  This led to us talking about possibly coordinating a camping trip in the summer and a winter vacation next year.   

Logistics and finances might not make it possible, but I love the potential of being able to travel with my love and not take precious time away from his wife and family.  I love the idea of having a polycule that enjoys each other’s company instead of just accepts each other.  I also just really like the idea that I could spend more than a weekend with A, allowing us to relax into each other.  Regardless, it won’t be for some time, but really it’s just the thought of it, the acceptance of me as an important part of A’s life, and the idea that brought me joy.  On top of that, the fact that A’s wife and I are becoming friends is important to me and brings me great happiness.  It’s one less complication in our already wonderful relationship.  

All of this has brought me a lot of calm and happiness recently.  Add to this the stabilizing and supportive force that is S and I’m quite cognizant of what I have in both of them.  So much so, I have deactivated my OKC account and just taken a step back.  I realized how important it is to me to have the uncomplicated relationships I do have, and I’m not interested in having someone disrupt what I’ve obtained.  So it has to be perfect to work and online dating doesn’t facilitate that.  I’ve been working on an old FWB for a return to that arrangement and I suspect it will happen soon.  I also sort of reconnected with M this week – I have no intention of dating him again, but I could handle having him as a casual partner.  A gorgeous black FWB.  All this together had me laughing about how I have A and S and a bit of vanilla (the old FWB) and a bit of chocolate (M).  I think I’m hilarious. It’s OK if you don’t.

Before I got together with M a few days ago. I told A and S both that I would be getting together with him, and that we would likely end up naked.  Both were completely accepting.  A teased me a little, and I said: “I can’t help it, he’s pretty”, and he said: “I know, and you shouldn’t have to control it!”  The next day, I got a message from S in the morning, and she said: “I hope you got fucked hard last night!”, and when I told A that I fucked M again, he said: “Yeah you did!”

This, the ability to be myself, talk honestly and openly about my relationships and my desires, to go out and know that if I follow my desires, heart, or careless whims, I won’t be having a difficult conversation because of it, is amazing.  I realized that I have spent so much time in my previous relationships concerned about how things I want to do will affect the people I’m dating, that I was preventing myself from doing things that would make me happy.  I’m not saying that it’s not important to consider how my actions will affect my loves, because of course I do.  I would never want to do anything to hurt anyone I care about, but the fact is, A and S are both so confident and understanding and compersion-filled, that I never have to worry that they will be anything but supportive.  That is an amazing thing to have.

This support comes out so much in S.  I talk to her about everything and so this often means talking about A and how many of my other partners have felt about him.  I talked to her about O’s jealousy and L’s anger, and everything in between, and as I talked, I realized some things that are absolutely, incredibly important.  First, S loves my relationship with A. She gets it.  She encourages it and is full of compersion from it.  Second, all these people who have had concerns with A have all been the people who have either disrespected my autonomy or questioned my judgement, and worse, violated major boundaries.  One thing A has never done?  Violated a boundary.  Over a year later, I trust him implicitly, because he has shown me week after week that he respects me, loves me, and values me.  I have only to ask for what I need and he gives it to me.  He is honest, communicates well, and is completely reliable.  So, what I think about all those partners that disliked him?  Well, fuck them, really.  He’s still in my life because he has never hurt me.  Let that sink in.  There’s a reason over a year later I haven’t lost my attraction to him in the least.  The fact that S gets all this?  Well, that’s one of the many things on the long list of reasons I love her.

Being accepted as I am, by A and S, and having my relationships accepted by the people in our lives is so incredibly uplifting.



I am missing A, but even that sadness was curbed by a great phone call where we laughed and talked about all the silly things we talk about the other night.  I love talking to him more than anything else in our relationship. Our conversations are so random and funny and serious and authentic.  I love it.  

A while ago, we were talking about how poly and kinky dating is different for men and women.  I get a number of messages on OKC and occasionally on Fetlife, but the Fetlife ones are a little lower quality, in general.  I don’t include my kinky side in my description on OKC, because I find it invites people to assume things about me that aren’t true.  It’s like admitting I like sex is an invitation to proposition me.  So, what that means is that at some point in the conversation, I have to come out and tell the man I’m talking to that A and I are kinky.  I joke that I have a fool-proof method of getting a man to ghost me.  Some ask questions, some just disappear, occasionally I get a man who is also kinky, and sometimes he isn’t kinky himself but says it doesn’t matter to him.  This latter is a little problematic, because often, but not always, turns out that it does bother him.  I usually don’t find out until I’ve started a relationship and developed feelings for him, however.  There’s no getting past it though, I have to tell anyone I may get naked with about it, because I have bruises that I can’t generally hide, but the reality is that I’m not interested in omitting that part of my life when I tell people who I am.  I’m more of a “this is who I am, get over it” kind of girl, so I usually tell them earlier rather than later.

A made the point that he doesn’t have to tell girls that he and I are kinky.  He doesn’t have bruises to hide.  He also can say he’s dominant in the bedroom and it can be true whether bdsm is involved or not.  He has always taken control.  It’s just the way he is. The man owns the room he’s in, whether or not he has his clothes on.

I’m aware that my approach to relationships and sex isn’t the norm, so it’s not that strange that some men ghost me as soon as I tell them I’m kinky.  I don’t really want to help someone navigate some intense emotions about my other relationships and kinky nature, if I’m completely honest about it, but it does make me a little sad that it’s hard to find a vanilla guy who just accepts that I have itches I don’t need him to scratch.  Having kinky sex all the time isn’t really my style – my body can’t take that much abuse, no matter how much I like it.

When we were talking about this, I said that I had gone on Fetlife and messaged a few guys who fit some of my requirements. By requirements, I mean they had pictures of gorgeous large cocks and are dominant.  While this sounds….um….superficial….let’s just say that I have a lot of pictures of my naked body on Fet, so it’s not like they don’t know what I look like when they respond.  I can also add to excusing my behaviour by saying that if he took a picture of their cock and posted it, he knows he’s big, and is advertising it.  Also, he’s probably been ordered by a woman to keep it the hell away from her at some point, so someone like me who likes a big man is refreshing.  

What?!?  Stop judging. This is such a me thing to do. 🙂

OK, joking aside, I’ve chatted with a few men and have some hope that I may have a date or two as a result.  A and I were talking about my new predatory dating tactics, and how there is such a dichotomy in the way men and women can behave.  I came clean to a guy that the reason I messaged him was because he had a big dick, and he thought that was awesome.  No man could get away with saying that he messaged me because he likes my big boobs. (OK, well, I probably wouldn’t care, but he couldn’t say that to most women).  This brings me to the expectations that men and women have for each other.  How some behaviours are acceptable in women (like casually touching men without their prior consent) that aren’t at all acceptable in men.  I think about how it’s strange to people that I like a big beautiful cock, but no one is surprised when men love big beautiful boobs.  I hear all the time that I’m unique, the way I think about things is so open and refreshing, that my attitude is so positive, or how open-minded I am.  I am all of those things.  It’s just seems strange to me that most people aren’t.  I see no point in pretending to be someone I’m not or hiding who I am so someone will like me more.  

The thing is, I know what it’s like to be unfulfilled. To not want to tell others about my disappointment in our sex life or the needs I want fulfilled.  I actively decided not to be that person anymore.  I wonder how many of us go through life just ignoring the lack of sexual satisfaction?  Deny ourselves that pleasure by pretending it doesn’t exist, partially because of shame and partially because of fear?  Judging by the number of people who find my approach to life so unique, it’s the majority of our population.  

Now, imagine a world where we aren’t judged for our sexual preferences or relationship choices.  Where we can talk freely and openly about what we desire and we can reach out to those who may be able to provide fulfillment of those desires.  Imagine us talking about achieving sexual fulfillment in the same way we talk about eating our favourite meal and how much we enjoyed it, instead of being ashamed of what we do with our clothes off?  Imagine a world where our kids don’t grow up thinking they are bad for wanting to explore their sexuality.  Imagine a world where it is acceptable for our kids to come to us with questions about their sexuality and how to safely explore it and we weren’t worrying about whether or not they were offending society’s rules.  Imagine not having to hide.  Imagine a world where people are accepted for who they are.

That’s the world I want to live in.  The best part of it is that for the most part, the world I live in is moving in that direction. I have close friends who support me completely.  A and S both accept me as I am.  Hell, they completely support the way I am.  I talk to S about A and to A about S, and they both are full of compersion for me.  A has always been pretty easy going about my other partners, he’s never said anything, so I’m pretty sure that jealousy isn’t a thing he has felt when he thinks about my other relationships.  The only thing he ever said is that Fridays are his.  We rely on our routine for our own sanity in our crazy lives and Fridays are sacred to me, so it’s never been a problem.  He certainly hasn’t ever been jealous of S, but why would he?  Clearly he can’t offer me the same things that a woman could and he’s happy to see me happy.

S is the biggest breath of fresh air I’ve breathed in in ages, though.  She is so understanding about everything.  From my troubles with F, to challenges with my kids, to everything to do with my relationships, that girl is a rock.  I can talk to her about everything.  There are a number of times that I’ve told her a story about A and me and she says “I love A stories!  I love your relationship with him!”. Wait?!  Back the hell up!  I have a relationship with someone who not only accepts my relationship with A, but supports it wholeheartedly?  I’m keeping that woman around (for a million other reasons than just this, but damn, this makes me happy)!  There are so many reasons why S gets me.  She’s been poly for 17 years; she and her hubby have always been non-monogamous.  She’s kinky too, and in a super hot daddy/baby girl relationship with an experienced, amazing dom.  She’s a mom, she’s smart, she’s strong, she’s absolutely hilarious.  So when I talk to her about A being hard on me, she doesn’t cringe and look at my bruises like they are ugly, she thinks they’re hot and wants to hear exactly what he did to me.  She tells me about the scenes she has with her dom.  We can share in the hotness of the sex we each have when we’re not together.

There is something incredibly refreshing about being loved and appreciated for exactly who I am. In having people in my life who are so supportive of me, understanding of the struggles I’m facing, and completely accept my independence and listen to my needs and communicate so well with me, without trying to control me or influence my decisions.  These are the people, who when I say I trolled Fetlife for large beautiful cocks, just laugh and say “yeah you did”, because they understand that I’m not afraid of going for what I need and want, or letting shame get in the way of that.  I don’t want to live a life I regret, that’s for sure, and by being truly myself, I won’t.  



Yesterday I wrote about the fact that it was date night with A and I was in need of some bucket filling. The fact is, I get a lot out of our Friday dates. We catch up on what happened during the week while we were apart, more of the nuance of what happened that can’t be easily conveyed via text, and there’s always a lot of teasing, laughter, and connection.  

Yesterday, in response to my post, A commented that he didn’t know what version of him I was going to get. This was my first indication that something was “off” with him.  We had a quick text chat about what was going on in his head and he legitimately didn’t know what was wrong, just that something was.  He arrived at my house at 8:37.  He greeted me with a passionate kiss and a strong hug.  I expected that we would at least chat for a while, but I have video of him snoring at 9:08.  In under 30 minutes, he’d passed out next to me.  

I knew he needed to cuddle and connect.  He grabbed me in a way he rarely does, hand through my hair, head to chest, arm held tightly against his chest.  I could tell he was breathing me in and calming himself.  I could feel the weight of whatever was breaking his heart exuding from him.  At one point, it seemed like he was going to start something more than cuddling, but the next thing I knew, he was snoring.  Deeply unsatisfied, I knew what type of week he had so I let him sleep.  I rolled over and texted S, and we chatted about how disappointed I was with the snoring man next to me. I even videoed him sleeping to show her what I was living through.  

I was so disappointed and a little mad.  I had spent the week anticipating this date and had no real tangible indication that it was going to go like it did.  I talked to S about how I was feeling. She validated my feelings and the best being: “A! GET IT TOGETHER AND BEAT MY GIRLFRIEND!”  While I was chatting with her, I said that I felt bad that I was so disappointed.  That I was near tears because I was so unfulfilled in that moment.  I felt like what every man I turned down over the years must feel like, I said.  Her words were exactly what I needed to hear and the message was simple:  There is nothing wrong with disappointment. It’s an appropriate response to not having the evening I so needed.  It’s OK for me to upset, and even angry, about this situation and still love him and support him and want to be there for him.  So, I grabbed my magic wand and three minutes later I had orgasmed hard enough that I could fall asleep.  It was an unusually early Friday night for me.  

It’s now early Saturday morning, and I’m sitting at my second job, feeling the disappointment from last night rather acutely.  Fortunately, when my alarm went off this morning, it woke A up too, and instead of a shower before work, I collected a handful of orgasms and ran out the door.  This super quick morning sex, interrupted by a 4-year-old who needed cuddles, was insufficient to make up for what we missed last night, but it was a start.  As he left this morning, he apologized three times, I know he missed out too, and I know he didn’t do anything intentionally, it just is what it is.

Sexually, what I needed last night was to get lost in A.  I needed to connect with him in that physical way.  I needed him to take control of me and I needed him to hurt me to take me away from the stress and busyness of my week.  The fact is, I had built myself up with anticipation during the previous three days and since he has almost never failed to deliver, I had no reason to suspect last night would be any different.  

I am a big girl and sexual disappointment really isn’t that big of a deal.  It’s a short -lived sadness, not something that sits, fastened to my heart.  What’s really bugging me is the lack of the emotional and intellectual connection that we usually share.  We didn’t get to catch up.  I didn’t get to tell him about the ups and downs of my week, nor did I get to hear about his.  Add to this the fact that we didn’t manage to have drinks or reconnect at all during the week, as is our norm, and we were both so busy that we hardly chatted at all.  We certainly didn’t exchange anything meaningful during the week.  I feel robbed of the reset that is just talking to A and tuning out the rest of the world to just be with him.  

On top of this, it’s Saturday.  It’s the day that A and his wife spend together.  Normally, I’m still riding the high of our night together, so I take the relative radio silence in stride. I miss him, but I recognize his need for connection with her too.  Today though, it’s like there is this empty well that needs to be filled and instead of that, it’s going to be sucked dry with the reminder that I am alone, with no telling when the next chance to connect with A will occur.  

So, I’m going to sit here at my job, being disappointed, sad, unsatisfied, and feeling sorry for myself.  It won’t last for long, because I know that come the next time I see him, we will be able to reset.  It won’t last for long, because I’m good at processing and perspective, and I know that this wasn’t about me, but about him and what he needed.  It won’t last for long, because the job I am currently working is an ongoing reminder of exactly how blessed my life is.  

But for now?  I’m going to feel the feelings and embrace my disappointment and sadness.  


So many things!

I’ve been dying to write all week and haven’t had any time.  This fact in itself is indicative of how life is.  I’m in the middle of a stressful time at work, my kids are peaking in some of their stress over my separation, and I laid out all my cards for F a few weeks ago and made sure he knew that our deal was off if he couldn’t compromise.  It seems like the latter might actually be resolved, but I’m not going to hold my breath until the separation agreement is signed.  

A few weeks ago, just after I broke up with O, I spent what was supposed to have been a romantic weekend with him alone at my house. It was an amazing reset to be at home alone.  During that time, I did a lot of soul searching, along with mourning for the loss of the future I thought I had with O.  One of the things I realized is that I need to spend every possible minute with my kids, especially on these weeks where they are in school and I am working and F has the kids on the weekend when I would normally be free to spend time with them.  Another was that I need to spend more time alone.

This decision means that I’ve had less time for my friends and other people I love, but has had the most amazing effect on my kids. They are happier and more settled and are opening up and talking to me about all the things that they are going through.  It’s meant some pretty heartbreaking talks with my girls, but I think that the heartbreak is part of the steps toward healing in this case.  As I work through their hurts with them, I am doing that typical mom overthinking thing.  I’m naturally a rather thorough processor of information and this is true in this case too.  Part of what I’m processing is just how bad a choice 25-year-old me made in dating and eventually marrying and having kids with F.  The hurt he caused me is deep, but the hurt he is causing my children is so much more significant, and now they are in a situation where they will have to deal with him and his manipulation for the rest of their lives.  This means I’ve been thinking a lot about the similarities between F and my dad.  I grew up with the most dysfunctional father, who manipulated, yelled, verbally abused, and neglected.  He is a permanent victim who never takes responsibility for his actions.  (Yes, my mom is amazing and my step-dad is fantastic, and a person can grow up to be who I am with only one functional biological parent).  I realize now that I repeated history by choosing F.  How I’ve condemned my children to so much of the hurt and processing and growth I had to do as an adult, because I chose a broken father for them.  I’ve talked to a few friends about this, and their response is always to not be too hard on myself about it, without F I wouldn’t have the four amazing children I do.  I know this.  I don’t regret it, although I would go back and change my decision if I could, and choose a better father for the children I have, what breaks my heart is that I am going to see my children’s hearts break regularly as they navigate their relationships with their dad.

Processing this has been weighing on me so as a result, my time alone has been spent in relative sadness. The fact is, I’ve been a bit lonely.  I realized that part of what I was doing before was filling my time with people and dates just to prevent myself from feeling alone.  To the point where I had to schedule time on my own to get the recharge time I needed. The sudden appearance of alone time has me adjusting.  I  realize how healthy it is to feel lonely but still be happy.  To be able to choose to spend time with those I care about and choose to spend time loving myself too.  It’s also a reminder that even when you are poly, you can have many loving partners, but you can be alone and feel lonely too.  Importantly, this is not always a problem. At present, I’m in need of some connection in the form of cuddles and touch.  Now, I get tons of cuddles all the time from four of the most beautiful beings, but what I need is someone to hold me and ground me again, make me feel loved and protected.  I need my buckets filled. It is date night with A today, and I haven’t seen him in a week, so there is a real risk that I will hug him and not let him go.

Among the things that I’ve been processing this week is the great sex that S and I had early this week. This was the first time we had sex and was the first time I’ve had sex with a woman with no man in the room too.  It was super hot. Slow, soft, and full of laughter, cuddles, and exploration.  If the first time we had sex is an indication of what’s to come, we’re going to have a hot sex life!  There were some pretty funny moments too.  There were a few things I learned:


  1. Finding a clit isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. While mine is obvious to me, hers was less so.  I’ll be doing some serious exploring next time we are together.  
  2. Hair gets everywhere!  I’m used to my hair, but I date a lot of bald men and have never had to deal with long hair before.
  3. That same long hair feels amazing dragging across a naked body.
  4. Women are soft.  Not hard and hairy.  It’s amazing.
  5. I always thought that it must feel pretty damn good to a man to have boobs dragging down their body as a woman goes down on them.  I was so right!
  6. You want to have sex with someone who knows what a woman wants to get her going?  You want the best foreplay ever?  Date a woman.  Seriously.  Before I even got close to orgasming, I had soaked the bed.  She played me like no one ever has.
  7. Dating a woman who is also in a dom/sub dynamic is amazing. She fully understands my relationship with A, supports it, and full on laughs when I tell our silly stories.  She really wants to meet him and get to know him.  Contrast this with my other partners and their jealousy.  My heart explodes!

So, the thing about all of this is that I learned a lot and had an amazing first experience with her.  It was the fulfillment of a fantasy I’ve had for longer than I can remember, one that I never thought I’d fulfill when I was married and monogamous.  With that extreme high came the crash the next day.  As I talked to A about my unexplainable grumpiness, he asked a question that made me realize that I just had a pretty major, very wonderful, life experience, and that I needed to process it.  Think it through, dissect it (I’m a scientist, taking things apart, putting them back together, and seeing what happens is what I do), and accept it as part of my reality.  It’s totally OK to have loved an experience and be overwhelmed and a bit emotional about it. I’ve spent the small amount of down time I had this week processing.  I have so much learning to do, but so love where my relationship is headed with S.  She’s kinky, smart, kind, understanding, loving, strong, and funny.  I am excited about our future and how well we fit together.  We continuously joke about how we were made for each other. It almost seems like a dream that she just walked into my life.  I am so lucky.

The other day, one of my favourite coworkers came over to watch a movie. In typical me fashion, we talked through the movie.  I am not much for movie watching with others – I like to talk and connect with people – so I usually save my movie watching for alone time.  He is also going through a divorce and is about to enter the dating world again. We were talking about dating experiences and likes and dislikes and what he wants.  He was talking about how his wife didn’t really like the things he did.  She wasn’t interested in his hobbies and actively tried to change him.  She would get upset if he went for a drink with a friend.  She only wanted to hang out with her friends, not his.  The list goes on and is a tale that most have heard repeatedly.  What he said is that he wants to date someone who gets him – understands him, doesn’t necessarily have to do things with him, but supports him in his endeavours and his interests and doesn’t try to force him into a mold he doesn’t fit into.  He said he wants someone who is his best friend.  In that moment, I realized exactly what I have.  I have two partners who are the best friends I have.  I can talk to them about anything, they accept me for who I am without criticism, and we have so much fun together.  We have mutual respect and compassion. We share some interests, but have diverse enough interests that our conversations are full of so many interesting moments.  Add to that the emotional, intellectual, and physical connections we share on so many levels with so much intricacy and intimacy, and I realize exactly how much I have.

That all being realized, my path forward is obvious. If I get another partner, I want to have a partner who is a friend. Someone who loves and supports me for who I am and the choices I make.  I’m not interested in someone new who is going to cause stress or drama.  So, I’ve stepped back, mostly rid myself of all the men I was talking to, and other than some efforts to reconnect with an old friend with benefits, I’m not doing much in the dating world.  You know what?  I’m completely satisfied with that.    


The other night, I had an amazing night with A. The best part for me was actually the chatting and reconnection before and the cuddling and closeness after sex.  I love that man so deeply and just appreciate the moments we have together so much.  We have an ongoing journey in kink that involves a whole lot of exploring and adventure. I was talking a while ago about how I’m so submissive in the bedroom but everywhere else we are equal and A said “Let’s be honest here, outside of the bedroom, you’re in charge!”  I laughed and said he was probably right, although I’m not sure he is.  I feel we have great communication, a deep respect for each other, and a healthy dose of sarcasm and teasing, but I don’t think either one of us is in charge.  I do a lot of the brainstorming for our sexual adventures though.  I think this makes a lot of sense, because the things I ask for aren’t exactly in the realm of convention.  Kink requires a lot of communication and since submission is my gift to give and to take away, it makes sense for me to ask for what I need rather than him to demand anything he wants. (Although, admittedly, I’d like to see him demand a little more.)  If he were the one with all the ideas, it would be easy to think that I was just being dragged along because of our dynamic. As it is now, it’s like I’m the one reading the map while he drives and expertly gets us to our end goal, often with a little side trip along the way to our destination.  

What this means is that everything we do is what I want to try. This has been a major strength in our relationship, because we have developed an immense trust and confidence in each other as we venture down the bdsm rabbit hole.  However, it means that I have the creative “burden” for our sexual adventures.  This really isn’t a huge deal, as I spend a lot of time thinking about sex, especially sex with A and making it even kinkier and sexier.  The man stimulates my imagination.  I was talking to S about her sexual adventures with her dom and realized that there were some things that I want that I believe A can provide that I probably need to ask for, and mostly, it’s about him taking control.  If I were to do that, this is how it would go:

Dear Sir,

For some time now we have had this amazing dynamic. I value it so much and everything you do for me is incredible.  When we aren’t together, I crave you – your touch, your kisses, the connection of our conversation, and the control you have over my body.  You know that all you need to do is touch me and my body responds.  You grab my collar or run your hands through my hair and my entire body becomes yours instantly.  I wear your collar.  It’s something that reminds me of you and what we have and, importantly, it is a symbol of my implicit consent. You have told me that having me initiate is part of your control over me.  That you know I want it if I’m begging for it.  The fact is, I always want you and I’ll always beg for you to do what you do to me.  

I don’t always want to though.  I want you to grab me, use me, and hurt me without me asking for you to do it. I want you to be hard on me. To hurt me.  I would like for you to be so hard on me that you test my boundaries thoroughly.  I would like you to scare me a little.  I am a willing submissive who knows how to use my words to ask for what I want and that extends to asking for what I don’t want, which means I know my safe words and I am not scared to use them if I need them.  

Please sir, use the collar for the symbol that it is.  When it’s on, I am yours to use as you wish.  I want you to ravage me.  I want you to do things to me I haven’t asked for. I want you to push my sexual boundaries and test me in all the ways that you want to push.  The fact is, the only boundaries I want pushed are the boundaries of my submission. You have, over the last year, earned my complete trust.  I know that you do what you do to me because you enjoy it, but also because you love me and respect me and want me to enjoy it too.  My boundaries are yours to test, please do so.

What this means is that when I’m squealing or saying “Stop, that hurts”, or “Ouch, sir, ouch”, I’m not stopping you.  Those are not safe words.  They are just sounds I make as you take me to that really great place, that place that is a green area for me. It hurts, but it hurts in the right way.  Sometimes, I’m in ecstasy as you flog me.  I’m lost in those moments. If I’m nonverbal, I’m entranced in how hot what you are doing to me is.  Please continue.  That is my blue, it’s hard for me to give feedback there.  I think you can tell by my body’s reactions that I am loving things though. If you need feedback, ask me if I remember my colours and where I’m at.  I’ll tell you.

When I’m squealing like that or squirming away, I love it when you command me to lay still in a certain position.  I would like it if you could increase those commands to include some verbal taunts and teases like “I know it hurts, my love”, or “You can take more, I know it, then I’ll reward you”, or “If you think this hurts, wait until you see what’s next.” It just gets me worked up!  Anticipation is a very hot form of foreplay for me, so psychological teasing will drive me crazy in the best possible way. This actually includes giving me orders and teasing me in anticipation of an upcoming date.  I also know that you are so good at reading me that you could verbally tease me into a state of ecstasy if you chose to and reward me and punish me how you like.  

Speaking of rewards and punishments, I am seriously impressed by your ability to tell when I’m about to orgasm and stopping at exactly the right wrong time.  I also really like it when you forbid me to cum and then force me to orgasm and then punish me for it.  I love it when you do things that overwhelm me.  Double penetration with toys, pulling me tight and slamming into me when I have a hard time accommodating your size so that I feel every inch of you, forcing me to cum over and over with the magic wand while biting me so that in between the orgasms, I’m squirming from BOTH pain and pleasure.

As I sit here rereading what I’ve written, I think about those days when I really can’t get enough. When I keep saying “More!”. How you call me greedy and insatiable and pretend like it’s a hardship to fuck someone who wants you so badly. This is just a long-winded way of me asking for more, sir.  I’m asking you to take more from me and in so doing, give me more in return.



This is how I ask for what I want. Through a long-winded explanation of how I feel. Normally, I do so privately, but I think it’s a good example of how I reason things out as I ask for what I want and explain why I want it.  It’s all in his hands now.  The reality is that if nothing changed, our intimacy would still be mind-blowing, but the only thing better than mind-blowing sex is even better mind-blowing sex, so asking for what I want is always the best thing to do.