Today was an amazing day all around. Hubby and I had some issues a few weeks ago, where I didn’t support him as well as I should in his break up. So, I booked an appointment with a couple’s counsellor that we saw once when we were new to polyamory, because I wanted to make sure we were communicating and developing tools to improve our relationship. Then, my world imploded with X and the timing couldn’t have been more perfect. Hubby talked through his break up and then we talked through our stuff and then I talked through my break up with X.
Talking through it was so therapeutic. Our counselor was very helpful in facilitating my understanding of the situation. She agreed that the way X conducted himself was inappropriate. In fairness to him, he realized that before I was aware of his mistakes, and he owned his responsibilities. As I talked through it, I recognized how right my decision was. How I was true to myself. How I protected my heart. How I didn’t compromise my values and beliefs. How I respected myself. How I prioritized myself. Something she said really resonated with me.
“It’s OK to be sad and feel the pain and hurt, but know that you made the right decision for yourself.”
Specifically, the part that was important to me was that “It’s OK to be sad”.
Funnily enough, crying then and there, talking about how heartbroken I am, hearing those words, made me so happy. It’s OK to be sad, even when the change you choose is the correct thing. It doesn’t negate the fact that it’s the right decision, just because I’m sad.
A couple weeks ago, hubby and I went to a polyamory meet up, where we met a very nice couple. They invited us to a Halloween party tonight and we went. It was amazing. So open and understanding and accepting. We had so much fun, singing karaoke, chatting with like-minded people, and feeling welcomed and loved and understood.
I had reached out to the woman in the couple when I was thinking about breaking up with X, and she was very helpful. I thanked her for her help and understanding, and told her I broke up with X. The understanding and acceptance and support I received was amazing. Yet another affirmation of the fact that it was the right decision.
It’s important to note that a focus of our conversation was the fact that X’s girlfriend is monogamous and I think that she does not want anything to change in their relationship and that she doesn’t actually support his polyamory, but wants to control it. They all agreed that he threw me into a hierarchical relationship unfairly. That the fact that he started a relationship without knowing what he wanted and without being transparent with his girlfriend was inappropriate. They affirmed the fact that being a “secondary” is OK if it’s agreed upon and understood, but that was not the case in my relationship with X, so he was horribly unfair to me. It was so nice to be understood.
We met some amazing couples and I’m so glad that we went. I think we will develop some real friendships from it. I was super proud of hubby and I for taking the chance in going. I felt, very much, like we found our people. It was wonderful.
This last week, I reached out to X a few times. Told him I was sad and hoped he was OK. Told him that I was heartbroken and asked for his forgiveness. He read the messages and didn’t respond. I suspect he’s doing it to hurt me because he knows it does.
So I uninstalled messenger and Facebook on my phone. I removed him from my relationships on Fetlife and removed myself from his. I deleted all the sexy photos I sent him off our messenger thread (I am aware that he has copies on his phone, but those are his). Now, I’m moving on. I have at least one more post that will be devoted to my relationship with him and then I’m going to move on to much more interesting things. Moving on is so fantastic.