When X and reconnected, we shared our versions of our stories of our missed opportunities. It was so much fun to hear what was happening in his life at the time and share what was going on in mine and to connect those threads through time. As we quickly realized the depth of our connection, we were astounded by the fact that we both nurtured our connection and thought of each other often. We both cherished our memories of one another. To both of us, it felt like it was meant to be, like it was predestined, and we were just living out the life that had always been ahead of us.
X said something one day that I loved. He said “what if that connection and chemistry we had then was ripples that came from the immense explosion of our chemistry now” This, for me, who is not a sci fi nerd, still made a lot of sense. At the time, I thought, “Yes! It’s like we felt that connection and sewed the seeds of our love so that we could nurture it in our heart and keep it there until we were ready for each other. Until we were at a place in our life where we had the communication skills and maturity to be what we should be for each other.” Predestiny.
Obviously, we weren’t actually there yet.
So, the other day, I was thinking that maybe, just maybe, the analogy still works? You know how the innermost ripple is the biggest? Just before the source of the splash? Maybe that’s the ripple we’ve just gone through. Our connection in high school chemistry was the farthest ring Our developing friendship and flirting and getting to know each other outside the classroom the next one in. When we hooked up in his apartment and were victims of the bad timing of his roommate coming home, it was a larger ring, closer to the middle. When I ran into X at a bar while I was in university, it was still another.
I’m not sure it’s healthy for me to hope for a reconnection with X again. I made it clear to him that if he was available to me in a way that met my needs in a polyamorous relationship and wanted to, I would absolutely welcome him back in my life. I really don’t want this to be the last chapter of our story. I don’t want our story to be a tragedy, but a great, multi-volume romance.
Damn it, I’m mixing up my analogies.
I want to believe that the source of the ripples hasn’t happened yet. That the real explosion, the real connection, the follow through of our many years of intense chemistry is still coming.
If this really is the end, if the source of those ripples was this intense connection of two months with no actual physical contact? Then I say: “fucking sci-fi bullshit”.