I spent less than 60 hours on OKCupid. Wow, was that eye-opening! I put up a super cryptic picture of me, with my hair blowing in front of my face, and spent some time writing a real profile. I talked about my views on polyamory, the fact that I have kids, that I’m a strong liberal feminist who has a career and loves books and grammar. I discouraged anyone from messaging me if they were racists, homophobic, bigots, zealots, etc. Turns out that online dating is a woman’s market. So, after my 60 hours on OKCupid (at least 12 of which, I slept), I am now an expert, so here is my advice to the men that really want to meet a woman.
- Polyamorous is not synonymous with promiscuous. Don’t message a woman expecting she’ll put out because she wants to love more than one man.
- Put some thought into what you write. Don’t just say “Hey beautiful” or “Watcha doin’?” Use sentences and punctuation and grammar. Tell her something about yourself. A good place to start is: “I read your profile, and you sound really interesting, here are a few things about me that I’d like to share with you…” And end with a question: “What rules do you and your husband have?” “How does polyamory work with children in the mix?” “Your profile picture is unique, is there a story?” Trust me men, you’ll get a response if you sound like you want something other than sex. Us people of the opposite gender like it when you use the head that’s on your shoulders over the head that’s in your pants. It’s actually the fastest way into our pants.
- Answer the lady’s questions. Don’t avoid or deflect. Be honest and direct. We like that.
- Once you’ve talked for a while, ask her out. Make it simple – coffee or a drink. Not a full-fledged date. That’s too much commitment for anyone for the first time you sit with someone. What if you get to appetizers and realize that you want to crawl out the bathroom window?
So, after 60 hours and over 30 messages, I am talking to some guys as a result of my adventures on OKCupid. They are all very interesting and I’m enjoying my conversations with them. Thanks to the only post I’ve ever made on Fetlife, I’ve started talking to some people there too. I would say that at least 85% of the messages I got (from both sites) were not thought out, sexually explicit, full of horrible grammar and spelling and punctuation (which I can overlook if it is well thought out, but if it’s not, no response from me!), or just not someone I was interested in based on their profile.
The other men all have something to offer that I’m interested in. I’m looking forward to getting to know them better, both online and in person. Who knows if it will lead to love, but I really hope it will lead to real connections with people who can at least be my friends.
These email exchanges have helped me put into words what I want. It’s also taught me so much about how people should communicate and the work that people who are committed to polyamory actually do to make their lives work. It’s so much different, more functional, and logical than what I have experienced. Hopefully, there will be some backing up of the talk with actions and I’ll be a happy girl.
I have but one life to live and it’s safe to say that I’m living it right now!