The good (FANTASTIC) and the bad (HORRIFIC)

Well, it’s been long enough since my last post that I had to read it to remember what I had posted about.  There have been so many amazing developments and interesting twists and turns that I don’t know where to start.  So let’s start with the good, and go with the alphabetical order I have chosen to give the four men I have dated and the two I continue to date.

You will recall that while A and I had a nice chat, the romantic connection wasn’t there.  I don’t think I mentioned that A’s wife is D’s wife’s best friend.  It was a little bit of comedic awkwardness on our date when we figured the connection out.  I didn’t expect to hear from A, but then the other day I received an email, apologizing for taking so long to respond and explaining that he didn’t feel a romantic connection but really enjoyed talking to me and would love to get together over wine and chat again.  So we are solidly in the friend zone and I’m excited to go for wine with him next week.  I doubt he’ll come up here again.

I’ve fallen in love with B.  Totally and completely.  He is just lovely and wonderful in everyway.  He is caring and kind and loving and pushes all my buttons in amazing ways.  We have great sex and we have great communication.  We can lay in each other’s arms for hours at a time and be happy and we can close down a restaurant while we hold hands and chat non-stop like the world doesn’t exist around us.  We don’t see each other enough, but that’s just a reality of our lives.  But it’s really wonderful.

Shortly after my last post, C and I had a rather direct conversation back and forth via email, and decided together that dating wasn’t the thing for us and that we’d check the friend box.  Honestly, my dance card is pretty full and I don’t want to spread myself too thin (insert spreading joke here).  C’s life is a disaster, he is just too busy with real life crazy drama for another woman and is having a hard time managing the two he has.  Hubby is dating one of his partners and that seems to be going well.  If C sorts out his stuff and is still interested in me, we may make a go of dating next summer.  In the meantime, we are becoming fast friends and really enjoying each other’s company.

I’ve also fallen in love with D.  I haven’t informed him yet, but I’m there.  There are just so many things I love about him.  He is kind and fun and honest and sexy and great in bed and cuddly and just generally a lovely person.  Hubby was dating his wife. Last weekend we all went out together.  I really like his wife and am very excited to become her friend.  I love how open and honest she is and how happy she is that D is happy with me.  She makes it easy for us to be together and I really appreciate her.  We are developing our own friendship apart from our husbands and that is awesome.  On our double date, it was really cool to be rubbing legs with Hubby under that table and holding hands with D at the same time.  We went to a sex show (trade show with vendors, performers, and presentations).  D and I spent the night walking around holding hands, kissing, looking at sex toys, and listening to presentations.  It was an amazing time.  Among the funniest things that happened was when I kissed D goodbye and Hubby kissed D’s wife goodbye and then we traded partners and left with our spouses.  There were a few people watching and the looks on their faces were priceless.

Unfortunately, the joy of that night was dampened by the fact that D’s wife called it off with Hubby the next day.  She said she really enjoyed spending time with him, but the romantic connection wasn’t really there.  Hubby was doing really well with it all, but has sort of gone off the deep end the last few days (Hubby, if you’re reading this, you know it’s true, and I’m not throwing you under the bus, just talking about what I’m going through).

What this requires is a bit of backstory.  When Hubby broke up with his first poly girlfriend, he was having a hard time.  One night, in a perfect storm of awfulness, I was really cruel to him.  Mean. I crushed him and said some awful things.  I could go into the details of how it happened, and while what led up to it wasn’t my fault, but I need to own that I hurt him.  I’m not sure I will ever recover completely from the emotional hurt that I feel after the emotional pain I caused him.

I was determined that this time would be different.  If I’m honest, I’ve been pretty damn great all around.  But Hubby doesn’t agree.  He’s called me unsupportive and narcissistic and accused me of prioritizing B and D over him.  He’s thrown the fact that we are sexually involved in my face and he’s attacked me for everything I’ve said.  When I’ve apologized and said he misunderstood, he attacks more.  Yesterday, it reach a horrible place.  He told me I “was less useful to him than a sharps container at the hospital.  That was full of HIV.  At least that container served a purpose in his life.”

This is not normal behaviour for hubby.  He has never treated me this badly before.  If he had, we wouldn’t be together.  I responded that what he was doing was abusive and cruel an that it was completely unacceptable and that I refused to let him treat me that way and use me as a punching bag.  I’ve had to repeat this a few times and remind him that he owes me an apology.  He keeps talking about how funny his “joke” was.  The fact that anyone thinks a joke like that is funny is beyond me.  The fact that he is defending it as funny after he said it to his wife, a person he is supposed to love deeply, is completely awful.  I have never been treated so intentionally cruelly.  I am hurt beyond measure.  I am so disappointed that someone I love would treat me this way.  I am angry that anyone would think that behaving like that is acceptable, especially to someone he loves.

He still thinks I’ve wronged him.  I don’t know when he will wake up and realize how awful he’s been to me.  I don’t know if he will.  I have a hard time staying mad at people, and I hope I don’t lose sight of the fact that he’s done something so awful that he owes me an apology for.

I shared my conversation with Hubby with my new person, K.  I work with K.  She is so amazing in every way.  I also shared my conversation with B.  I told D about it.  All of them reacted very strongly to it.  A visceral response. They were hurt and angry and protective of me.  I had secretly hoped that they would find something I did that was awful to justify why hubby responded the way he did, but they didn’t.  But what they did do was listen to me. Support me.  And love me when I was feeling rather unloved by someone I’ve built a life with.

B pointed out that the communication necessary in polyamory often exposes the cracks in the relationship foundation.  I wonder if this situation is an example of that.  I know hubby is hurting.  I know he’s not thinking rationally.  I know he’s hurting me because I hurt him before.  I know I’m his safe place and he is lashing out because he feels he can here.  None of these things are OK, but they do explain a lot of his behaviour.  I just hope he wakes up and realizes that he can’t criticize me for not supporting him when he is pushing me away through cruelty.

One of the weirdest things in this is that it’s not the all or nothing of monogamy.  This argument doesn’t encompass my whole life.  I am furious with hubby and thrilled with B and D at the same time.  And that, that right there, is amazing.  No matter what, polyamory was the best decision we could make for me.

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Author: Polyagony or Polyamory

In August 2016, after 10 years of being "happily" married, my husband and I decided to embark on a life embracing polyamory. This blog is about that adventure. It's a place for me to let out my thoughts and emotions, as we discover the good and the bad of the life we have chosen. Several months later, the path we have chosen has led us down different paths, farther and farther away from each other, but no less of an adventure. If anything interests you, I'd love your comments and feedback. Discussion and differing opinions are always welcome.

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