I think I alluded to the fact that hubby has been prioritizing his girlfriend over me or at least that’s the way I feel, and it hurts. Today, we had that date day I mentioned. The one where he tried to go see his girlfriend. The one that she already had plans by the time he came back to her with an answer. So really, he was prioritizing her, while she was not prioritizing him. (And there’s a really good reason for it, and I understand it, and it’s OK, but that part is not my story to tell).
Our date day started with a trip to our marriage counsellor. When we decided to embark on a life embracing polyamory, we booked a counsellor in a proactive way, to make sure we were prepared for what we were about to do. We’ve seen her a couple times and loved her. The first time we saw her, we were in a really good place, hubby was still dating his first girlfriend, and I was still with X, and we were both in love. The second time we saw her, hubby’s relationship with his first girlfriend had imploded, I had been awful to him, we had discussed things, and thought we’d made up. I had also just broken up with X, maybe four days before. I was miserable and heartbroken and cried my way through the session. Hubby and I thought we were over the awfulness that followed his breakup with his first girlfriend, and hardly touched on it.
Then D’s wife called things off with hubby, and all hell broke loose. He was overly sensitive to things I was saying and overreacted to everything. It’s pretty obvious now that he wasn’t over the awfulness that was his post-breakup days with his first poly girlfriend. Everything turned awful. Horrible, really, and hasn’t been the same since. We have been fighting a lot. So much anger and hurt and awfulness has filled our house.
At the marriage counselor this morning, the worst came out. We were arguing and awful to each other and not listening. She reset us, to a point. We have so much hurt and anger and resentment going on. I had actual physical pain today because of how heartbroken I am. It was bad. We both acknowledged that we are hurt, we both want to forgive each other and receive forgiveness, we are both trying our best, and we both love each other.
I thought we were on the path tonight to where we needed to be.
We are having our Christmas celebration tomorrow. We were watching a movie and wrapping presents and drinking wine before we were planning on having some intimate time. It was so nice and normal, and we were joking around like we normally do, when we haven’t fought for a month straight and are hurting.
Then his girlfriend texted saying he could come over. He asked if he could, knowing how it would hurt me. He knew I didn’t want him to. He huffed and grumbled and made it very obvious that he wasn’t going to be happy staying at home with me. So, I took one for the team. I sent him on his way to visit her. Because in this situation, all three of us could be unhappy, or the two of them could be happy while I was miserable.
So miserable I am. Feeling rejected, deprioritized, disposable, and unwanted. Polyagony, right here. Unloved and unhappy.