C is the boyfriend of my husband’s girlfriend (say that 3 times fast!). We decided to not pursue a romantic relationship. Maybe we will one day. Who knows? In the meantime, we developed a friendship that has since been slowed down due to complications in his life. This makes me sad, but I’m hopeful that one day I will have him back in my corner.
He and I have very different views on expressing love. I’m very free with my love. I express it and relish in it. He is more selective. We have had many a discussion about it. He wrote the following in an email to me, and I loved it and asked him if I could publish it here. It’s so different from how I feel. But it’s amazing, and such a great insight into his soul.
When I was 7 years old I came to the conclusion that a solid and a liquid and a gas were all the exact same, the only difference is how close the molecules were. I quickly started to think I could walk through walls because all it really took was for me to slide in between the cracks, after all they were only bonded by relationships…so I began to try. To this day I see every relationship like a solid, liquid or a gas. Tight and well bonded, have various levels of strength such as wood or jello, liquid, mouldable, easily broken, easily fixed and very critical to human life and gas relationships. Gas relationships were the most interesting to me because I was, in my mind and in truth I suppose from a perspective, always walking through a solid. As I walked down the street I would simply be parting molecules with my mass. Air is as dense as wood in molecules, they are just multiple molecules filling the space and non-bonded. It became clear that the relationship, the bond, was the most important part of all human life and all relationships have been identified in that way for me ever since. This is the foundation to my Love model. Like your model which uses squares to denote space and infinite ability to make more space but fill the whole, mine is based on it already being jammed full, and the bond being the identifying difference between walking through walls to hurting your head trying.
Of course everything in life is a selfish act. Even our greatest love or sacrifice for another – jumping off a cliff for them, is a selfish act otherwise we would never do it. We at the core either do what we do to bring us more happiness or less sadness and that is simple…the foundation of my life, as a giver, means more happiness or less sadness comes directly from bringing more happiness or less sadness to others. This is how I end up in binds with friends like my stalker, who clearly took my interest in her happiness as “forever and impossible to live without.” But there are far more details to that story then belong here.
Some operate very differently, they are less worried about others and more focused on themselves, this is sometimes seen as bad in society, but societies change and evolve and change from country border to the sub-cultures that make up the creamy middle of a country. So to say selfish is bad is to say the love of success is bad, or privacy is bad or any value is bad – values never are bad, they come from somewhere and they add to happiness or reduce sadness. That is their very purpose, to help us navigate the happiness-sadness complexity.
So back to the point, love is a selfish act, it has to be by definition and as such, how we perceive the happiness of those we love or want to love directly effects our happiness, making communication a critical element of anything, because how else will we know – after all love has never be known for being clear and transparent and it is a complex emotion and it is one of those things that can make water feel like a solid when it is not. It is a word that most want to believe in, and in most cases blind faith. So there are two issues – one we all communicate differently, one persons garage sale is another dream sale. I am a doer and by definition I put a lot of emphasis on my love language of time and touch. Critical element number 2 – and here is the rub…I don’t want to be a guy. Well I do and I like it and it suites me well so I won’t be changing anytime soon. And I especially like being the guy I am and a giver and a pleaser and all that great stuff in regular life as well in all aspects – sexual included. But guys in general give guys like me a bad name. They use words like love, dedication, beautiful, need you, long for you and other such tender and passionate comments to chase a primal need – and then they leave. Conversely I use these words sparingly. It is painful to have a relationship not work out and then for the other person to say, “but you said you love me?” Because in that moment you have tainted the next person who actually does love then, you built a wall for them, you dug a mote around someone else heart and made it that much more difficult to find happiness next time.
Of course the opposite is true, what about all the joy that they can feel before that if you just said I love you more readily? By being told they are loved, revered, need you, long for you – to be wanted by someone who you want is pretty amazing right? This is where it all comes together…we have those who feel love is worth the pain and those who do not. Those who do espouse it and say it more casually, not because it is not true but because the feeling as defined by love is worth the swim across the mote, it is worth the pain of possibly it not being forever or not even true! And it is worth the risk of the other persons heart as well. Then there is my side, the side that feels Love is a weapon that can destroy lives and does more damage than good, like nuclear power, it can create Chernobyl if it is not used very carefully. The side that is not willing to risk the other persons heart until they are sure they can protect it. That is me, a lesson learned from enough Chernobyls and it is not bad or good, it is just is. it is what makes up some of the world and we still keep moving on – not losing anything more or less than those who say “I love you” with ease. Just different because at the core we are all pushing our way through molecules, developing bonds and adding happiness or stopping sadness.
The only difference is the timing and emphasis. When I say “I love you” to someone they will say in their mind or out loud – “holy smokes he never says” that and in that way I create an impact, an event – it is the marketer in me perhaps. But it is known that it is true. No less true then someone who says it frequently or early in a relationship, because truth and timing are not reliant upon each other – but accuracy and confidence is. It is not, of course, that I don’t love them before hand, before saying it I demonstrate it, I display it, I showcase it…but the words, hold for me the highest level of commitment and perhaps escape.
Anyway there is my approach, not set in stone or light as gas, just the way I am, and I really do love the way I am – for better or worse! That’s the power of love.
There you go. C’s take on love. So different than mine. But right for him.