On jealousy

In recent weeks, jealousy has been a big topic in our house.  Hubby and I have just talked through the worst fight of our life (at least I’m hoping it’s finally over!).  During the fight, many issues came up, including a lot of issues I have with his girlfriend.  Now, I’ve alluded to these a few times, but I’m not going to sewer his girlfriend on a blog many of our mutual friends know about.  Truthfully, I don’t like the way she’s behaved in a few situations, but I suspect she feels the same way about me.  I really want to have a good relationship with my metamours, but this one is going to take time and patience that I honestly don’t have at my disposal right now.

Among the many issues I have is that I feel deprioritized.  Hubby throws a week back in November in my face all the time, the one after our huge blowup, where I booked things every night he was home and left the house.  He has since had much more time with his girlfriend than I have with D, but I don’t really think comparing time together is a healthy thing to do.  It just gets detail oriented and knit picky and causes so much pain.  However, after he took off to his girlfriend’s house on our date night on December 23 and after the blow up we had last week where he threatened to divorce me if she broke up with him, I was feeling like he didn’t value me at all.

In the course of conversations about what I needed him to do to fix this and what I should do in return, he kept telling me I was jealous of his girlfriend.  I kept responding that I’m not jealous, just feeling deprioritized.  So, he thinks any negative feelings are jealousy.  But I always thought jealousy was specific for the intimate feelings and sexual connection they have.

So this got me thinking about what the real definition of jealousy actually is.

So, I went to Wikipedia, because peer-reviewed scientific article are not necessary for a blog post!

Wikipedia defines jealousy as:

Jealousy is an emotion, and the word typically refers to the thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, concern, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of status or something of great personal value, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and disgust.”

Now, I’m still not completely convinced that this is what I am feeling.  I’m not upset that he’s spending time with her.  I’m upset that he’s not spending time with me.  Am I splitting straws?  Maybe.  But more than anything, I feel abandoned by someone who I’ve spent the last 14 years of my life with.  Not in time as much as in connection.  That’s a product of six weeks of arguing every time we are together.  I don’t think it’s “an anticipated loss of status” – I know I’m his wife.  I know I’m the mother of his children.  I know we are financially and legally linked to each other.  I don’t have a need to be loved the most or anything like that.  Maybe the “loss of human connection” is the fear?  Then I guess it could be jealousy.  It’s just a different kind of jealousy than I am accustomed to.

Today I sent a message to D’s wife to tell her how much I appreciate her for making it easy to date D.  She thanked me for being an awesome girlfriend to him and expressed how happy she is that he’s happy.  Compersion:  The opposite of jealousy, and in this case, D’s wife displays it perfectly.  I’m so lucky to have them both in my life.

Am I jealous?  Only if I can have compersion and jealousy at the same time.  I’m happy hubby is happy.  I think he’s cute when I watch him interact with her.  I think he’s annoying as fuck when he’s not around her, because he wants to be with her.  But I’m happy for him still.  So jealous that I don’t get my time, but happy for them.  Sure.

I’m not sure I really understand if I can label how I feel as jealousy, but I know it’s a negative emotion that I dislike and look forward to it being gone.

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Author: Polyagony or Polyamory

In August 2016, after 10 years of being "happily" married, my husband and I decided to embark on a life embracing polyamory. This blog is about that adventure. It's a place for me to let out my thoughts and emotions, as we discover the good and the bad of the life we have chosen. Several months later, the path we have chosen has led us down different paths, farther and farther away from each other, but no less of an adventure. If anything interests you, I'd love your comments and feedback. Discussion and differing opinions are always welcome.

4 thoughts on “On jealousy”

  1. Poly is hard… always always always talk out those huge fights… I personally think thee is jealousy involved however your husband may have a role to play in it.

    In poly men tend to not manage NRE very well. New relationship energy can make us so excited for the new person that we tend to not manage how much of that we excitement we show our wives….

    It may constantly look like we are super excited to get the Fuck away from y’all. So there are mixed messages being sent.

    I’ve learned that managing NRE has resulted in my wife having less jealous bouts

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This close “kitchen table” style of polyamory doesn’t work for everyone. It wouldn’t work for me. For me, who essentially is in your husband’s dating pool, if I find out you expected us to be friends in order for me to date your husband, I’d pass him by as that is often a red flag for a controlling wife who will never let our relationship develop how we want it to. Remember the issues you had with X’s GF? Well that’s how you’re coming across… as someone who isn’t actually okay with their husband dating others and has to have some sort of power over his other relationships and partners.

    “Kitchen table” poly works until one of the people involved come to situation where they have a partner who they like very much but who does not want that sort of involvement with metamours. I know because I’m the one of the people that they meet who are like that. Then they start to question WHY their spouse has to meet me, or WHY their spouse has to like me for us to spend time together. They realise that those “rules” are completely arbitrary and the things that actually matter are safer sex and transparency.
    Ask your husband for what you want… say 1 date night plus 2 family evenings a week.. and as long as he is maintaining your relationship by giving you that, don’t pressure his other partners or slate their relationship. Your metamours don’t have to help your husband be a good spouse. He should want to do that. Maybe he feels your marriage requires less to maintain than you do. Maybe he said happier when you spend less time together. Maybe you are on different pages. None of that will be solved by focusing your energy on managing his other relationships.

    Like

  3. There’s so much judgement and assumption in your comment. I expect nothing of my metamours except that they don’t cause drama in my marriage. I’d like to be “kitchen table” Poly, but that’s only going to work with a subset of people.

    As for my husband, I don’t expect anyone to maintain our relationship but us. I do expect them to respect it though. And you are making to many wild guesses and assumptions about my life and my marriage that are inappropriate.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’ve spoken before about needing to meet your metamours and have a good relationship with them. I know you might think you’re so different from all other poly noobs but essentially the issues are the same. You do expect a great deal of couple privilege. That’s fine if everyone is on board with it but believe me, the signs that your husband isn’t are already there. This will implode unless you are both transparent about what you want this to look like.

      That’s not to say I don’t think your husband is being neglectful. He absolutely is, and if he was writing this blog I’d say he needs to be honest about what he wants and also acknowledge that he cannot expect to maintain a relationship that isn’t mutually beneficial for the parties concerned.

      Look on any poly forum and you’ll see this tale unfold a million times.

      Like

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