In recent weeks, jealousy has been a big topic in our house. Hubby and I have just talked through the worst fight of our life (at least I’m hoping it’s finally over!). During the fight, many issues came up, including a lot of issues I have with his girlfriend. Now, I’ve alluded to these a few times, but I’m not going to sewer his girlfriend on a blog many of our mutual friends know about. Truthfully, I don’t like the way she’s behaved in a few situations, but I suspect she feels the same way about me. I really want to have a good relationship with my metamours, but this one is going to take time and patience that I honestly don’t have at my disposal right now.
Among the many issues I have is that I feel deprioritized. Hubby throws a week back in November in my face all the time, the one after our huge blowup, where I booked things every night he was home and left the house. He has since had much more time with his girlfriend than I have with D, but I don’t really think comparing time together is a healthy thing to do. It just gets detail oriented and knit picky and causes so much pain. However, after he took off to his girlfriend’s house on our date night on December 23 and after the blow up we had last week where he threatened to divorce me if she broke up with him, I was feeling like he didn’t value me at all.
In the course of conversations about what I needed him to do to fix this and what I should do in return, he kept telling me I was jealous of his girlfriend. I kept responding that I’m not jealous, just feeling deprioritized. So, he thinks any negative feelings are jealousy. But I always thought jealousy was specific for the intimate feelings and sexual connection they have.
So this got me thinking about what the real definition of jealousy actually is.
So, I went to Wikipedia, because peer-reviewed scientific article are not necessary for a blog post!
Wikipedia defines jealousy as:
“Jealousy is an emotion, and the word typically refers to the thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, concern, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of status or something of great personal value, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and disgust.”
Now, I’m still not completely convinced that this is what I am feeling. I’m not upset that he’s spending time with her. I’m upset that he’s not spending time with me. Am I splitting straws? Maybe. But more than anything, I feel abandoned by someone who I’ve spent the last 14 years of my life with. Not in time as much as in connection. That’s a product of six weeks of arguing every time we are together. I don’t think it’s “an anticipated loss of status” – I know I’m his wife. I know I’m the mother of his children. I know we are financially and legally linked to each other. I don’t have a need to be loved the most or anything like that. Maybe the “loss of human connection” is the fear? Then I guess it could be jealousy. It’s just a different kind of jealousy than I am accustomed to.
Today I sent a message to D’s wife to tell her how much I appreciate her for making it easy to date D. She thanked me for being an awesome girlfriend to him and expressed how happy she is that he’s happy. Compersion: The opposite of jealousy, and in this case, D’s wife displays it perfectly. I’m so lucky to have them both in my life.
Am I jealous? Only if I can have compersion and jealousy at the same time. I’m happy hubby is happy. I think he’s cute when I watch him interact with her. I think he’s annoying as fuck when he’s not around her, because he wants to be with her. But I’m happy for him still. So jealous that I don’t get my time, but happy for them. Sure.
I’m not sure I really understand if I can label how I feel as jealousy, but I know it’s a negative emotion that I dislike and look forward to it being gone.