Today I need to write about the agony part of my life. Things are amazing with both A and D. More on that when I have got the rest off my chest.
Hubby and I are in a bad way. I’m honestly not sure if our relationship will survive. This is heartbreaking to me, not what I want, but we have been arguing all the time. I don’t know what to do to change the path we are on.
A few weeks ago, at the end of January, I thought we were in a good place. But hubby came home after being away for about a week with his girlfriend and was overcome with negativity. Angry and accusatory. Nothing has been right since. Every slightly stressful conversation is a fight. He is super emotional and very sensitive. It’s hard on me, because we just can’t be a couple, but are always the couple that is fighting.
I’m on the other side of the world right now, for a week, for my grandmother’s funeral, alone, without kids or husband or boyfriends, in a place where I once lived, so a sad event is actually a relaxing vacation for me, where I get to reconnect with amazing friends and family that I love. The people who were the family we chose when we lived here. It’s amazing what the distance and time alone without life’s responsibilities does for our ability to reflect on our own feelings and our actions and our loved one’s actions too.
I’ve been very focused on the things hubby has been doing wrong. How hurt I have been by his actions. I don’t think my analyses of his behaviour are incorrect, but I think I need to stop focusing on his decisions and actions and focus on mine. Take responsibility and fix my shit.
For my part, I have been a judgy Macjudgerson about his girlfriend. Now, I don’t think it’s entirely unearned, but it doesn’t serve the purpose of helping my marriage. As I make my way back to our home, I realize now that I need to take care of me. I’ve booked an individual counselling meeting this next week. I need coping strategies. No matter what happens, whether he decides to leave or we decide to fight for our life, it’s going to be hard. I need someone who isn’t in the situation on my team. Someone to help me cope and learn and communicate.
I’m in a good place right now. I’m recharged and reenergized and hopeful. But hubby is not. He’s angry and bitter and blaming me. Some of that blame I’ve earned. Much I haven’t. I’m going to try to hold on to my hope while I help him navigate his anger. It’s going to be a challenge. A challenge worth taking on.
Wish me luck.