One of the things I always do is talk to G about my Twisty Bits. She’s amazing at giving me perspective and accepting people for who they are and knowing their needs and desires. For the last couple weeks, A and I have been discussing love. This all came up after a rather drunken and intense bedroom session where he said to me: “You love me, don’t you?”, and I said “Yes”, and at some point, uttered the “love” word. I was 3 bottles of wine in at this point and probably would have told someone I was Napoleon if it would get me an orgasm, so take it with a grain of salt. What this event did was make me think about all the things that deal with A and me and our relationship. What I realized in the processing is that I’m not “there”. I’m not in love with him. Yet. I am definitely on the way there, I think he is amazing, and strong, and determined, and a fantastic person, and someone I love to hold. I love everything about what we do together, from our amazing conversations to our high quality cuddles to the amazing things that happen in my bedroom that I’d rather be doing with him than anything else!
The other day, I was deep in processing mode. I had spent a lot of time during the week thinking about my feelings for A and how to deal with them. I kept going around in this circle about how I don’t love him but I want to be with him. The circle kept going around with me trying to process why I didn’t feel as deeply for him as I have for other men I’ve been in a relationship with this long. I realized that there was a wall up somewhere preventing it from happening, but I didn’t know what it was or whose it was. I naturally thought I was all open and loving and it was with him (sort of a joke), but knew logically that it could just as easily be me. For several weeks, I kept getting to the same place – it doesn’t matter. I like A. I like what we do and how we fit together in each other’s lives. I want to be with him. There’s no need to force it or label it or escalate it. The thing to do is to just let it be.
But, of course, there was this nagging emotion in the back of my head that happens when I have a problem I need to solve, particularly a Twisty Bit that means I’m not processing my emotions how I should. (It reminds me of my one of my kids’ favourite books: “But questions are tricky and some hold on tight, and this one kept Rosie awake through the night…”) As I was driving home, I was thinking about our relationship. What it means. What we do and what that means. One of the things I’ve joked about often is that A never makes the first move. It was me that crossed the couch the first time, it is me that grabs his hand or reaches across the table to kiss him, it’s me who kisses him and begins undressing him, etc. etc. etc. I’ve even joked that I’ve crossed the couch to give him a kiss and the next thing I know, I’m tied to a bed, getting fucked and spanked with a paddle. But I digress.
This is my Twisty Bit. I ALWAYS make the first move. I’m always inviting him out. Asking him to make plans for a date. I’m always the one who moves in for the kiss or reaches for his hand. He never advances on me. Ever. What this means could be many many things. But what my insecurity does, when it rears its ugly head, is have me doubting how he feels about me. I start asking myself if he’s as into me as I am into him. Is he only with me because it’s simple? Is he only with me because of the unique dom/sub relationship we have? Is he not into me?
I talked this all through with G the other day, and she assured me that A is very much into me, and we both agreed that I just need to talk it out with him. So I will.
In the meantime, I realized I had another Twisty Bit with A. It may be slightly related to the above issue, but it’s more specific in nature. A has a lot of stress in his life right now. As a partner that is new(ish) in his life and who isn’t his primary source of support, I have a hard time figuring out how to be what he needs. This was causing me a bit of anxiety and insecurity the other day, so I squashed my Twisty Bit with a bit of communication. This is what I messaged to him:
I really care about you. I want to support you in any way I can. I need you to feel comfortable asking me for what you need from me. I’m pretty good at assuming that if you’re not talking to me that nothing is wrong, but I’m not immune to insecurity. If you need time, please tell me. If you need time with me, please tell me. I want to enhance your life and be here for you.
Sometimes I feel like when I’m offering things that I think may help that I’m actually causing more stress for you because you may feel pressure or obligation. I don’t want that. So if that’s the case, please tell me. I want to be what you need, but our relationship is new enough and our situations complicated enough that I’m having a hard time figuring out what that is. Please tell me what you need when you need it.
I was a little stressed when I sent this. I was worried he would see my vulnerability as weakness. Of course, he appreciates my direct communication style, so this is what I got in response:
First things, you are not causing me any stress or adding complications. I appreciate the fact you are providing advice and respite from the storm….I want to ensure that the time I spend with you is quality time, not wrung out, stressed out and distracted A…..
His response was perfect. Exactly what I needed to hear.
That’s right. I squashed the insecurities and Twisty Bits with COMMUNICATION!!!!
Soon I’ll communicate with A about the other Twisty Bit and I’ll finish this blog post and publish it. Because he reads this blog, I don’t need him finding out I have a problem with us before I talk to him about it. Look at me thinking before I publish!
I clearly wasn’t really thinking last night when I published my last piece, that A isn’t the type to wait around to have a conversation. I really shouldn’t have put it in my last post. It was uncharacteristically passive of me. Not cool. Of course, he read the post and texted me. So I explained it all via text. Naturally, there was a perfectly good reason for it all that made sense when explained.
Communication is the key to all relationships. Communication is the reason my relationships with A and D are strong and functional. The lack of communication is the reason my marriage is failing.