I’ve spent nearly all the time in the last 3 days with my munchkins. It’s been awesome. The highlight by far was G coming over with her son and her son calling my eldest daughter a “douche”. It was beyond funny. G and I get a kick out of our kids trying to navigate the challenges of being kids without taking much very seriously. It works very well.
I’m really worried about F. As much as he makes my life very difficult, he is really not coping with life in general. He was rather awful to our eldest yesterday and it ended in her doing an amazing job of communicating what was bother her and him completely failing to listen to her message. The girls have been saying they don’t want daddy to take care of them because he yells and is angry. It breaks my heart that the man who was such an amazing role model such a short time ago is doing such a poor job right now. Those kids love him. They just want their daddy. Right now, he still has time to be their dad. But he’s slowly destroying his relationship with them, and one day, they aren’t going to want to be with him anymore. That breaks my heart.
I was talking with G today about all the things that are going on. About A and D and K and H and all the other things in our cumulative lives. Again, I realized exactly how incredibly blessed I am. I have so many people on my team and in my life, who accept me and support me and love me (or like me a little) who lift me up and make me a better person and help me be happy despite all the stress.
One evening when I was telling D about what was going on with F and all the other things in my life and the hilarity of one thing or another that my little herd of assholes did, he stopped me mid-sentence and said: “You’re amazing”. I didn’t understand why he stopped me to say so and although I’m working on my ability to take a compliment, I’m still not that good at it. So I asked him why. He said because I have such a good attitude despite all the shit that I’m getting handed to me. That I never catch a break, but my positivity never changes. I guess I can’t say it enough, but the truth of the matter is that I’m still very happy. I have amazing friends, incredible family, and two men who provide me with everything I could possibly need in way of support and love and connection, even if I could handle seeing both of them more often. I recognize that my problems with F are temporary. That no matter what, I have four beautiful, innocent, and incredible kids who need at least one parent who is there for them through this all. Truthfully, I love those little monkeys, enjoy spending time with them, and while they are normal kids who drive me crazy and make me burst with love for them at near regular intervals, they are everything that matters and every reason that I move forward with a smile on my face. I know this stuff with F is temporary. But my life with those gorgeous beings who grew inside me and I brought into this world is permanent. They are my most important relationships. In fact, G said today that she would not date a man who didn’t talk about his kids as part of his daily life. That her primary relationship is and will always be with her child. Indeed, my primary relationship is with those beings. That is something that will never change. So, as much as I said a few days ago that my primary relationship was with myself, I guess the reality is that I have four primary relationships, and a “secondary” with myself (or is it a fifth primary?).
I am fortunate. I am dating two married men. They don’t demand from me more than I can give them. They are both fathers. They know I understand that they have priorities before me. This doesn’t diminish my meaning to them, in fact, I think that it increases our connection, because we can choose to be who we are to each other, within the parameters that already exist in our lives. D has chosen an involvement in my life that includes my kids. He will eventually meet my mom when she becomes a little more comfortable with the life I’ve chosen. He will charm her like he does everyone else. A has chosen to not be a part of my children’s lives. That is also more than OK. We have an amazing time together. He’s met my kids, but he doesn’t have a relationship with th, and while that day may come, it also may not. And that’s OK. I think, although I don’t know, that part of the reason I mean what I do to A and D is because I understand their relationships with their wives and children and families and I don’t demand more from them than they want to give.
I took the day off on friday to hang out with my kids. In the afternoon, we headed to D’s work to collect a hug and a little love before he left town for the weekend. My middle two were awake in the car while my little man slept. D got in my car and gave me a kiss. My second, says: “OOOOH, Mommy has a boyfriend!”. D says “Hi” to the girls, my third says “Hi, I love you” (She totally loves D, it’s awesome), and my second says “Mommy, kisses are gross, you shouldn’t kiss boys.” So I say “But you ask me for kisses all the time, you like kisses.” She says: “Ya, but adult kisses are gross, and you kissed an adult boy and that’s yucky.” So I kissed D again and laughed while she made sounds like it was gross. Some day, those “yucky” hugs and kiss are exactly what keeps me happy and positive through the day. Not just driving round trip for an hour to collect a couple kisses and hugs and in total time of 20 minutes and then head home, but the knowledge that there is someone (or two) out there who cares about me in that way.
Friday evening, A came over for the first time in what seems like forever. It was incredible. I woke up very tired on Saturday with bruises in all the right places, sore throughout my body, and recharged and grounded in a way that an evening with him provides. (And wishing for more). There was a point in the evening (by evening, I mean about 2 am) that I was falling asleep in his arms after hours of talking and drinking and naked time. I was relaxed and happy and content in that moment. He said something about me starting to snore and falling asleep and how he should go home. I just grabbed his arms, and wrapped them around me, and assumed the role of little spoon. In that moment, that was everything I needed. It was the aftercare that helped me feel safe and secure and cared for after our night of exceptionally rough and hot and hard sexy time. It was everything I needed. About two hours later, I woke up and rolled over, feeling complete and happy and A got dressed and went home after a brief kiss at the door. (Did I mention I love that I don’t have to wash, even the best looking underwear, of my men?)
What is missing from this story is that in the two days before, we had had a miscommunication about love that left me feeling rather disappointed and sad, feeling like he didn’t care about love with me, when he meant that he wasn’t prescribing a path for love to take or concerned if we made it there, but just letting what happens happen. In that moment, the moment I read his email that said “It doesn’t matter to me if we ever reach the point where we are in love or say it”, I realized exactly where I am with my relationship with A and what I want from it. It was a profound moment, marked by disappointment and sadness due to miscommunication. It reminded me of how committed I am to him. It reminded me that I am more than willing to work through the frustration of our limited time together, due both to my schedule, but mostly his, because the alternative is unthinkable. The alternative to having to practice patience is to not have him in my life. And that is not an option that I’m willing to entertain. There’s something about A that invokes all the good feelings and makes me happy with uncertainty and provides comfort in the undefined. I kind of like him a little bit. 😉