Today was more of the same with F. I took the day off to return a favour to a friend who has helped us out with getting our second to and from preschool. Her children came over and we had a play date and it was fun and wonderful, and as is typical of having a couple extra kids around, I ended up getting way more done than I normally would on a day at home. I spent the day outside, doing spring cleaning in the yard and organizing everything I could. It was awesome. F called me this afternoon while I had 6 kids in my care and started in on me about vehicles and other random things that he feels angry about. I called a timeout and said goodbye and hung up the phone. Approximately 30 seconds later, he called me back and demanded an apology. Said he wouldn’t be returning home if I didn’t apologize for hanging up on him. I said I didn’t hang up on him. He said if I didn’t apologize, he wasn’t going to come home to take the kids and that I would have to try to do without the only vehicle that fits all of my kids in it tomorrow morning. So, he lowered himself to the level of using our children as pawns in his games. Fortunately, he extracted his head from his ass and showed up only 15 minutes late. But I really didn’t know if he was going to for a while.
I texted A to see if he wanted to go for a drink but he was deep in homework duty, and couldn’t get away. I had chatted with D earlier in the day and invited him over when I cancelled my other plans tonight. He said his wife was going out, so he had to be home. So I texted him and offered to come over. This was the extent of our text conversation this evening. Notice the timestamps:
I shouldn’t be bothered. But I am. Everyone has the right to ask for alone time. I appreciate people who make self care a priority. But I just wasn’t prepared for his response. I didn’t realize that we had made it to that point in our relationship where both of us would have an opportunity to be together, and one of us would choose not to. I’m not there. I would still drop everything to be with him if I could. Fuck, I do everything in my power to make myself available to him as part of my normal. I just assumed he was doing the same thing. Last Friday, I drove over an hour round trip with three kids in the car just to collect a hug and some love for about 20 minutes maximum. His response tonight was disappointing. I felt…rejected?….deprioritized?…unimportant? I’m not sure. Hurt. I definitely felt hurt. Like my relationship changed and no one told me. Will it matter tomorrow? Maybe. Will in matter next week? Unlikely. But today, tonight, I am dealing with the realization that one of my relationships has moved on to that point where we no longer move heaven and earth to be together, but are together in comfort and love and convenience. This makes me sad.
This weekend, I spent a bit of time thinking about what it will be like the first time there is an argument in either of my relationships. I think I have spent years unhealthily fighting with F, that I have expectations that are unrealistic, a bit of an unhealthy worry. I suspect that A and D are legitimately better communicators who will respect my opinions and feelings and work with me to solve issues in a way that I’ve never experienced. I think that conflict became such a big part of my marriage to F that I failed to realize how unhealthy it was. I think that I need to work through a few issues with respect to what has become ‘normal’ in my life with respect to conflict so I can be less worried about the proverbial shoe dropping.
All of these things put together taught me something today. I’m not coping with this stuff with F and my separation and the shit with my kids as well as I thought. I would never normally be upset by A having said that “being in love doesn’t matter”, or D saying that he was staying home instead of wanting me to come over. I need to work on my coping mechanisms and my downtime to cope with the shit storm that F is serving me and my kids on a silver platter. I need to let go of that stress so I don’t fuck up the relationships I have with A and D that are so important to me.