Asking for what you want when you’re not getting what you need.

The last week has been one of the worst in a long time.  After receiving the “rejection” from D on Monday, I realized exactly how badly I had been coping with all that’s been going on.  The weekend was accentuated by F being a giant asshole to our kids, trying to use them as weapons in our negotiations, and then proposing yet another selfish division of assets and finances and property that once again doesn’t take the children into account.  For some reason, this weekend marked my tank of shit being full to the top.  Something had to give.  And really, said tank gave in two ways. One was a miscommunication with A last week when he said that “love didn’t matter to him” and me overreacting when he meant that he wasn’t prescribing a direction or intent to our relationship.  I had a visceral emotional reaction to the message that left me rather sad for an evening but was resolved quickly in A’s usual direct style. Turns out that the man who chooses his words so carefully chose his words carelessly, not understanding the meaning they would take for me.  

Under normal circumstances, I would have replied with a question about what he meant, but my coping ability for anything emotional was lacking, and I didn’t do that. But sure as shit, I didn’t realize exactly what was going on in my brain until Monday night when D didn’t want me to come over and I was hurt by it.  This is also outside my normal. I work very hard not to get upset about other people’s needs for time, or space, or preference to spend time doing anything else.  In fact, one of my philosophies is that I don’t worry about what other people are thinking unless they identify an issue directly with me.  Likewise, I frequently choose time alone or with very specific people as a part of my self care.  I’m very good at notifying people if I have an issue. So it’s unusual that I spent the next two days wondering if something more was going on with D. If I had done something that he wasn’t communicating.  If there was something he wasn’t telling me.  It was obvious within minutes of him arriving Wednesday that none of my fears were founded, that he was just focused on the things going on in his life.  He’s busy with work as his workload and stress have ramped up, he’s going through a “down” period as he had a very socialization heavy April and needs some down time, and he’s working through a few other things.  His only fault in all of this was not communicating that.  But we’ve been so busy, both of us, that our communication has been far less abundant than a couple months ago. It’s a perfect storm. We’ve become accustomed to quick texts to say “Good Morning” and “Goodnight” with few messages at any other time.  This lack of messages has bothered me for some time, but I haven’t communicated that well. Part of the reason for that is that we had seen each other much more often than we have the past week, so the reconnection was there to mitigate the lack of communication.  Again. Perfect storm. Until recently, the in personal connection was there to make up for the lack of connection in between.

Wednesday, we reconnected in all the right ways.  We talked. Really talked. Caught up. He understood what was going on in my life that caused me to respond rather bluntly to him.  He informed me that he was having a rather challenging conversation with his wife the same night he told me he wanted alone time.  He went to bed early unable to sleep because both the women he loves were angry at him.  This just made me feel bad for him.  Because he’s that amazing that even when I’m justified in being angry with him, I can’t be.  We communicated several of the things that we should have communicated earlier.  But I left a lot unsaid.  Today, I decided that it was high time I ask for what I need.  More communication. More connection.  If we are going to see each other less, I need to be in contact via text more.  We’re going to talk more on Saturday, but I’m happy that I asked for what I need from D.

During this shit storm of confusion with D, A has been busy as fuck.  I miss him terribly. Not specifically that he isn’t available now, but that I miss the simplicity of the relationship we started in January.  That being said, I would never change where we have taken our relationship or where we are headed, even if where that is is to be determined.  He read my most recent post and in response, I received one of the most amazing emails from him.  One that made me feel valued and cared for and just a little bit sexy too.  It was everything I needed in the moment.  The fact that he has so much on his plate, but he cared enough to spend a morning composing an email designed to cheer me up didn’t go unnoticed.  The email itself was amazing. It made my heart skip beats and my face blush, and my mood change.  I’m pretty sure that the third was the purpose of it.  In any case, the thought of it still makes me smile.

There’s the unique dichotomy with A.  There’s this man who comes to me, completely himself, and receives nothing but acceptance.  The reality is, the cocky asshole he can be last presented himself to me at our first date in November.  That weird first date where the connection couldn’t have been more obvious, but the arguments against us lined up at the door perfectly. That version of A is the public version of him.  There’s a lot more to that version, but truthfully, I don’t really know it. I’ve been out with him in a large group a grand total of once.  I just know it exists and that the A I get is more raw.  He’s stripped of the external persona, the professional and social image he needs to keep, and he’s just my boyfriend who enjoys time with me, his super nerdy, quite kinky, never-gets-a-pop-culture-reference, likes to drink, and occasionally use big words while boring him with random science facts, girlfriend.

I don’t know where I was going with that.  My life is just what it is right now.  There’s a lot of stress in my life. There’s a lot of stress in my men’s lives.  The chances to reconnect are limited, and this is hard on me, and while they haven’t said so in so many words, I know it’s hard on them too.  But damn, when we are together?  It’s amazing.  Like the world stops to exist for a time and it’s just us.  If only the world would stop for a little longer once in awhile.  

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Author: Polyagony or Polyamory

In August 2016, after 10 years of being "happily" married, my husband and I decided to embark on a life embracing polyamory. This blog is about that adventure. It's a place for me to let out my thoughts and emotions, as we discover the good and the bad of the life we have chosen. Several months later, the path we have chosen has led us down different paths, farther and farther away from each other, but no less of an adventure. If anything interests you, I'd love your comments and feedback. Discussion and differing opinions are always welcome.

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