I’m working a shift at my second, very casual job. As I sit here, I’m getting as much of my computer and desk personal work that I can get done done while I’m here. It’s part of the reason I have kept this job, I get so much of my thinking and scheduling and overall organization for adulting done here. It’s what happens when you are forced to sit still for 12 straight hours. The mind gets shit done!
This weekend was an amazing one. Full of so much awesome with my men, then topped of with a rotten cherry in the form of F. F just completely fucked up our second child’s 5th birthday. He couldn’t have been more absent had he not been there. He pouted and didn’t participate. He watched the hockey game during dinner, chose to wash dishes and watch the hockey game after supper, then took off while the kids were playing and having a good time with his brother, despite the family birthday party and the fact that I had to work at 0530. Once again, assuming I’ll parent; not actually talking to me. It makes me pause to wonder if we should continue to pursue family birthday parties. I’m pretty certain it would be better for the kids if we didn’t.
Today, I decided to send him an email about my concerns about his mental health. He’s clearly showing signs of PTSD and depression and he’s taking it out on me and the kids. I doubt he’ll listen, but I had to say something, because last night I lay awake thinking about what I would do if he becomes suicidal and my kids are left without a dad. Would I forgive myself and know I’d done everything to prevent it from happening? So today, he got an email, because I need that answer to be “yes”.
I took the day off on Friday and did a horrible job of doing nothing. I have so many balls in the air most days that letting them just fly was difficult for me. But it did start off some good relaxation. On Friday night, A came over, and it was absolutely wonderful. There’s not much else to say there. We made up for a week of not seeing each other, when he left we were both exhausted, but happy, and as always, I was left wanting more. According to A, I am greedy. There’s good reason for that. I always want more of a good thing! Unfortunately, it seems likely that I’ll be getting even less in the coming weeks. I long for a time when A has more time for everything, but mostly for me.
Saturday, during the day, I was home with the kids. F was supposed to come home at 3:00 pm, so I could go off for the night to D’s house. Of course, he was 30 minutes late, because he has no respect for me or my time. I did a few errands and ended up at D’s at around 4:30. I can’t put into words exactly how much I needed the time with D. I needed to reconnect with him so badly, to feel that connection again, to have that love and acceptance and comfort, and to cuddle and wake up next to someone I love who isn’t under eight years old.
Part of the way through cooking supper, D realized that his kids were supposed to be going to a family friend’s house overnight. A bit of a rush later, he dropped the kids off, and with our new-found freedom, we headed out for a beer. We settled on his favourite place and we drank a couple drinks and talked. I nerded out about all the things I nerd out about at work, while he listened to me, legitimately interested in my philosophies on how to best do my job, how I have changed some of the critical components of my work flow this term, and some of the cooler sciency things that I do. He nerded out on the things he nerds out about, I listened with fascination about his career and the things he does. We talked in the way we talk. Everything flowed easily, we laughed a lot, we looked at each other with those super cute looks that people in love do, and we got to be children-free adults for an evening. We returned to his place early, had some clothes-free time that was beyond amazing (it always is, that man has mad skills), and cuddles on the couch, ate popcorn, drank and watched a movie. I woke him up the next morning and the morning started the way it ended and we even managed a kid-free brunch before picking up his kids. D even forgave me for waking him up early on a Sunday, and after the kids were home we cuddled on the couch and watched another movie, both of us dozing in and out because we were exhausted. His wife came home and the three of us chatted for about an hour and then I returned home to the rotten cherry that was F. But honestly, nothing could undo the awesome that was two great nights with my men.