…..I was writing this blog post! His email came in as I was about to publish this!
As soon as I say I’m OK and everything is improving, life derails a little bit again. I woke up this morning with that knot in my stomach nagging feeling that something was wrong. (The fact that I was writing this as D was composing a break up email, is rather interesting, isn’t it?) I’m my world, that always means I have something I’m not processing properly or I need to work out and process. Usually, going for a walk or run or having some time alone works for me to get to the root of the problem. So, since F was parenting this morning, I took off for a good long walk this morning to clear my head.
While I was out and about, I had the genius idea to take my second on a mommy-daughter date this afternoon, because F was parenting. So, when I got home, I asked him to come chat with me. He came upstairs reluctantly and I said: “Hey, would you mind if I picked child #2 up at 5:00 and took her out for a mommy-daughter date and came home at 7?” Exactly like that. No demand, not pushing, just asking. What I got was this:
“This is why you can’t be home when I’m parenting. Why the fuck aren’t you at work? All you do when you are home is interfere and get in the way. You just cause conflict and make demands of me and make everything difficult. Why can’t you stop making demands on my time and just go to work. I have plans tonight and now you are ruining them by changing all our plans at the last minute. This is all about you controlling me.”
While screaming “What. The. Fuck!” on the inside, I responded: “Hold up. We don’t have any plans. But I just asked you if it was OK. I’m here to discuss things with you. Tell me what you need, clearly, without accusations and insults.”
I got from him: “You said you’d be home early and I made plans and not you are changing them and controlling me and demanding my time without talking to me….”
Me, annoyed: “Say what you need. Communicate with me.”
Him: “I would like you to not take child #2 on a mommy-daughter date today because I made plans and I’d like you to come home earlier.”
Me: “OK. Was that so hard? You can definitely go spend more time with your new family because they are more important than your daughter having a special date with her mom.”
OK, so I should have stopped at “Was that so hard?” But damn!!! Why he thinks any of that is appropriate, I don’t understand.
So, he asked when I’d be home, and I said between 5:30 and 6 and he got mad and said that wasn’t early enough. I told him that was what he gets and said “I’m going to have a shower, then I’m going to work, I’m done talking now.”
I went into my bedroom and locked the door. Child #3 was inside because she wanted to have a shower too. So, I undressed and was getting ready to get in the shower and in walks F. He had broken into the room by popping the lock. Here I am, naked, and he breaks into the room I’m in trying to have a shower. I’m pretty sure that a locked door is a pretty damn crystal clear boundary, that he just barged right through. I yelled at him to get out. He refused. Said “It’s my fucking house, I can be wherever I want to be.” So I pushed him out the door and locked it and went and hid in the ensuite and then he broke in again. Fortunately, he walked away. I showered and child #4 was in our room messing around while #3 showered and F was downstairs, not parenting, but working out.
Then this happened:
As the day went on, he just got more annoying, worried about himself, and being a giant dick. I had a great conversation at work and saw a friend this afternoon. I came home at 5:30 and he left. Thank goodness. My kids were wonderful and we had a lovely evening, despite the usual post-F parenting behavioural issues.
All this talk of assault got me thinking. One of my friends suggested I contact police and file a report. First off, I don’t think I need to waste police time. Second, I didn’t really know where assault and defense lies in all that. So I consulted my cousin the police officer who is one of my closest friends too. I wish I had done it before. She said that technically what I did was assault him, but any police officer would listen to my side of the story and tell F that he’s wasting his time. Her advice? Next time, don’t push or shove, punch him. It’s all the same! Jokes aside, she raised a really good point. He likes to hold assault over me. She advised me to respond by saying “If you want to talk about assault, call the police and make a statement, otherwise, drop it, because we aren’t having this conversation.” Fucking genius. Take his power away. She also pointed out that I need to be very careful, because his increasing anger and aggression could be dangerous. With how fit he is and his brown belt in Brazilian jiu jitsu, he could be a real danger to me. She said to always err on the side of caution and make sure that he isn’t given the opportunity to hurt me. Wise words from a person who has seen so many horrible domestic situations.