In love

The last few days have been full of emotion for me.  I process quickly, I’ve had a lot of alone time, and I’m doing well and working through my emotions.  I should have known that D wouldn’t show up at the event we were at last night.  He’s too cowardly to break up with me in person, he’s not going to show up where I am two days later.  G came and gave me hugs and love, I spent some time mocking one of the presenters who was SO BAD, and had a lot of laughs and fun listening to the other presentations.  In the end, it was great.

Before meeting G and my other friends, I met A for a quick supper and a couple beers.  I realized the minute I hugged him exactly what I had been missing the previous two days!  I needed a hug from someone!  I had been living life in this haze of emotion, trying to process things quickly and forgot to just ask for that comfort I needed from someone!  We had a nice chat, caught up a bit, and talked about my unceremonious dumping.  One of the things I love about A is that he never says anything negative about pretty much anyone.  He’s never said a bad thing about F and he is in this tenuous situation with D that his wife if best friends with D’s wife, so this works well, because he won’t say anything bad about D either.  Of course he says he doesn’t understand and it wouldn’t be how he would handle the same situation, and his heart hurts for me, but he doesn’t trash D.  Which is good, because as angry as I am at D for treating me as if I’m disposable, I don’t want to trash the guy either.  The real truth is that something is going on in D’s life that only D can reveal, and it’s not my concern anymore.  He didn’t explain things to me for whatever reason, maybe he doesn’t understand himself, or maybe he didn’t want to share.  In any case, it’s not important.  I want to be able to look back at our relationship fondly and without pain one day, and refusing to think of him as a bad person goes a long way to achieve that.  I hate his actions, not him. I hope he finds happiness.  I hope he doesn’t do to any other women what he did to me.  One of the things A did agree with was that obligation exists in all relationships, it’s just a different degree of obligation.  His obligation to his wife is so much more than it is to me.  His obligation to me is so much more than to his friends.  It’s all relative to the parameters of the relationship and obligations change with time and circumstance.

A reads this blog and he had read my angry post yesterday about all the things I want to say to D but can’t. He pointed out that one of the things he learned in communication is that writing out what you want to say to get the emotion out is a really good communication tool. You get it out so you can write the email or have the conversation you should have instead of letting the emotion drive you.  One of the other things he said is that my blog isn’t as good when it’s not about him! This made me laugh, which is something he’s quite talented at (among other things).  So, to assuage his (not at all) fragile ego, I decided to write a little about him today.  In my emotion on Monday, after receiving D’s email, I let A know he had broken up with me.  I also decided I wasn’t going to play any games anymore.  We’ve been doing this dance around love the last few weeks.  I figured out when we were talking about not being in love that I am in love with him. It was so weird.  The way he approached the conversation was honest and direct and awesome in so many ways.   This was part of the conversation:

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Of course, that day, I also texted G and this is how that went down.  

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So, I’ve known for a long time that I was in love with him.  I just didn’t want to make anything more complicated.  There seemed to be no point to saying it.  Honestly, there are just so many things going on with my separation that saying or not saying “I love you” didn’t seem important. It mattered to me, but knowing I was in love with him was enough.  I didn’t need to say it and have him say it back.

This is a good thing, because I’m not sure he’s there yet.  I’m not sure he really spends any time thinking about it, to be honest.  I think he just is enjoying our relationship, in exactly the way I advised him to enjoy any relationship back in January when we were talking about how he rejected every woman that came his way.  So, on Monday when I was having all the hurt feels from D breaking up with me, I decided I was just going to put myself out there. Because I wanted him to know how I felt. This was how our conversation went:

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So, it’s out. I love A. He responded exactly how I would expect him to.  I love that he is always himself.

 

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Author: Polyagony or Polyamory

In August 2016, after 10 years of being "happily" married, my husband and I decided to embark on a life embracing polyamory. This blog is about that adventure. It's a place for me to let out my thoughts and emotions, as we discover the good and the bad of the life we have chosen. Several months later, the path we have chosen has led us down different paths, farther and farther away from each other, but no less of an adventure. If anything interests you, I'd love your comments and feedback. Discussion and differing opinions are always welcome.

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