On Friday, I decided I was taking this weekend to myself. To be alone and reflect and do some self care. As alone as one can be when having to keep four young kids alive, anyway. Saturday and Sunday, I spent in my yard. I planted most of my garden, mowed the lawn, trimmed the trees, weeded flower beds, and worked. I got dirty, sweaty, and hot; it was amazing. My kids ran around naked and played in the little paddling pool and got wet naked bums and went shooting out the slide into the pool. My little man learned a bunch of new words this weekend and came and grabbed my hand and dragged me to the couch for a cuddle, which melted my heart. My girls were lovely, fun, and full of spunk. The kids played with the neighbourhood kids. It was easy and relaxing and fun and I processed. Oh how I processed.
I’m in a really good place. The knot in my stomach, the lump in my throat, and the pain in my heart are gone. I’ve worked at accepting that I may never understand why D ended it the way he did and that I may never understand what my part in it was. I’ve concluded that I can say it was not me, it was him. The anger and hurt have dissipated and I think about D far less every day. So much less that I am forgetting I’m angry about the way he ended it and happy memories float in instead. As is always the case with me, I can’t stay angry or hold a grudge. I process quickly, and I’m confident that in no time I’ll just be looking back at everything but our break up with a fondness for how amazing it once was. The truth is, it was amazing. A relationship ending does not mean it was a bad relationship. It was a great relationship. It just had a bad ending.
In among the hurt that I was dealing with last week, F threw me another curve ball in our separation. A and D had both been suggesting for a long time that I was being too nice. So, I stopped being so nice. I’m playing hard ball to his curve ball and he’s upped the passive aggressive bullshit and I’m tired of it. So I’m going to just let it go and wait and see and try to enjoy my kids and the time I have with A. I need to let go of all the hurt and anger and just be. Take things one step at a time. Lean on my people and just do stuff in the meantime.
Part of what I did yesterday was reactivate my OKCupid account. I really like getting to know people, talking to them and seeing where things go. It’ll have to be a pretty strong connection to even get me out on a first date, but there’s no harm in chatting, right? I’m truly not “ready” to date, but I also don’t know when I will be, or if the good time will ever come. I’m going to play things by ear and see where they go. I’ve had a lot of messages on Fetlife in the last weeks and am still chatting with K, who I will almost certainly date one day. The reality is that A’s schedule isn’t going to lighten up in the foreseeable future and we’ve fallen into a good routine with our one in home date every week and stealing a moment here or there otherwise. I don’t want him to feel pressured for more than he can offer either and that means I might have to get my rocks off elsewhere periodically. I’m polyamorous, so it’s a little odd to have just one man in my life. (If someone would have told me I would write that sentence a year ago, I’d say they were nuts!) I’m just going to be open to possibilities right now and see how things go.
Either way, I’m back to being happy with the life I’ve chosen for myself. I know the decisions I’ve made were right and even though the pain of polyagony has been abundant as of late, living the life I was meant to live and accepting myself as who I am is worth every bit of pain. I could, however, use a bit of a break.