I cried

Today I cried.  For the first time since my heart was suddenly figuratively ripped out of my chest, I cried.  It was simple.  A friend is selling something that D and his wife need.  I offered to connect them.  And his wife wrote this to me: …I miss you. And I’m sorry.  I don’t understand, and I don’t want to know what happened. I just want you to know….”

And I cried.  I cried because I don’t understand.  Because I’m sad. Because I love him and I miss him.  Because it was so amazing. And it’s gone.  And I don’t understand and the person who is closest to him doesn’t either. And then I cried more because I thought I was good.  And I felt weak and stupid and fragile.  And I cried because I want to be angry but I can’t be angry anymore.  I’m just hurt and sad and I can’t wrap an anger blanket around myself as protection any more.  It’s the second time in my life I’ve had a broken heart.  Like everything I tackle in my life, I thought I could power through.  Force myself to heal and move on.  Then with that message, I got a reminder that I’m not always in control, despite wanting to be.  And I cried.  Because I should.  Because I’m human.  

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Author: Polyagony or Polyamory

In August 2016, after 10 years of being "happily" married, my husband and I decided to embark on a life embracing polyamory. This blog is about that adventure. It's a place for me to let out my thoughts and emotions, as we discover the good and the bad of the life we have chosen. Several months later, the path we have chosen has led us down different paths, farther and farther away from each other, but no less of an adventure. If anything interests you, I'd love your comments and feedback. Discussion and differing opinions are always welcome.

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