I love my job. I’m sitting in my office, late in the day, with the fresh smell of a thunderstorm wafting in, while avoiding going home. Today, I started doing some research into how to make part of my job better and more interesting. I just fired off an email to a colleague about my ideas, and it just got me excited about my job. My passion is returning, one small moment at a time.
Things are so good, I’m happy. I’m chatting with X frequently and we’ve slipped into this comfortable friendship full of honesty and connection. I still have a thing for him, and I probably always will. He knows I do so it’s not like it’s a secret. But we are having fun catching up right now. I’m chatting with a handful of guys from OKCupid and just enjoying getting to know new people. I love dating, and I forgot how fun it is.
Among the things that I chatted with X about yesterday was that I realized that the 20 plus year I was monogamous helped me realize that I was always sacrificing something in each of my relationships. I never had all of my needs being met. Each monogamous relationship was a sacrifice. Be it sexual fulfillment, emotional support, financial compatibility, or anything else, there was never a time when I felt like all my needs were being met. That was until I was dating A and D. Those two, together, despite the issues with F, fulfilled every need I had. I had it ALL for a short time. For nearly 5 months. I think that this realization hit me today. The reality is, I understand now that no one person is ever going to meet my needs. When I chose to embrace polyamory, it was because I knew I had the capacity to love more than one person in a romantic way. That I could have more than one simultaneous committed relationship. I’ve just realized that part of all of this is that I have needs and wants and desires that can’t be met by one person. I’m not sure why this realization just hit me. It makes sense. Different people scratch different itches. But I think the truth of it was a bit shocking to me.
One of the funniest things that comes up over and over again in online dating is: “What are you looking for?” Well, I’m not looking for anything. I just want to meet people, see if there is a connection, and if there is, see where it can go. I don’t want to prescribe anything to my relationships. I think that the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that it’s easy to miss opportunities because we are too focused on trying to achieve a goal. But really, the goal in relationships should be the journey.
Tonight, I asked A if he was having a hard time with my dating again. He’s been teasing me a bit about it all, because I had loudly declared that I wasn’t in a place to date and three days later reactivated my OKCupid account. I teased him back saying that I am a woman and reserve the right to change my mind. It was funny, because he answered “not at all” when I asked if it was hard on him. My first reaction was “Phew”, because I don’t always deal with other people’s emotions well, and then my second reaction was “Why isn’t he having a hard time? Shouldn’t he be having a hard time?” and then I laughed. And laughed. And laughed some more. Because it was such a monogamous thing to think. He understands that, while I love what we have, I need more than just him. He knows he’s in no position to provide everything I need and want and desire (although he’s pretty good at the latter), and I know that as much as I love him, I will never want to escalate our relationship to more than it is.
I need another. Another lover. Another partner. Another something. I don’t know what that something is. My life was “perfect” when A and D were a part of it. Figuring out how to achieve the next “perfect” is the fun and the challenge.