Perfectly imperfect

I’ve been dating.  I had a fabulous first date last week with a guy I’ve been talking with for ages.  We have another date next week, and we’ve been chatting a lot.  I really like him.  I think there might be something there.  He might even get a letter in this blog the next time I write.   I’m talking to a handful of other guys, some of whom really interest me, some of whom I’m just chatting with because they are nice guys and I like getting to know new people.  But it’s good. I’m moving forward. Lord knows I need one or two more guys to fill the gaping hole in my sex life.  I always have more room for love, so that isn’t an issue.

What’s amazing and awesome in all of this is that F and I are doing well. We had our first meeting with our lawyers on Friday, and it was really positive. We came up with a parenting order.  The highlight for me was definitely that both my lawyer and his gave him shit for the way he was treating me, for being inappropriate, and making assumptions.  The look on his face was amazing. Second to that is when I called his discount lawyer on some assumption he was making about my position.  Sure, F was 10 minutes late, which translated to 45 minutes late to the actual meeting, costing me more than $150 just to chat with my lawyer, but we walked away with a parenting order.  He’s going to parent more.  I’m going to leave our house so he can stay overnight with the kids.  I’m going to get a break.  It’s going to work. I’m sure of it!!! We have another meeting set for early July, and things are moving forward. I’m thrilled.

What was cool was that afterwards, F and I had a great conversation. He felt much better, stating he was surprised we didn’t argue about parenting (despite the fact that I made it clear from day one that I wanted shared parenting!).  He was so friendly, and kind, and there was laughter and hugs and a dance party in the kitchen.  We really got along.  It was great.  I have so much hope, going forward, that we will be friends and co-parent in a productive way that means not only our children will be happy, but we will be too.

I saw A for drinks the other day.  There were several hours of talking and laughing and just being, it was wonderful, but it was very much a consolation prize compared to our nights together.  Lately, our schedules just haven’t been lining up. This is actually affecting me more than I let on.  While I love the chatting and joking and conversation and the endless teasing that happens between us, I want to *be* with him.  I want to cuddle and laugh and kiss and get annoyed with him and try to distract him from his joking asshattery.  I want to spend quality time with him. The kind of quality time that only he can provide.  I want to show him how I feel about him without saying it and have him do the same.  I just want it to work without missing him or wedging him in between other obligations.  

This last week also was characterised by funny conversations between A and I.  I have no doubt that he is committed to me.  He has so much to offer a woman, and truthfully, he could have nearly any woman in our age group, because he is that charismatic and that good in bed, but I think he is happy with what I offer him.  Among the funnier conversations was the one where he told me how much I need another boyfriend.  He said that I’m too demanding when we’re together, that he needs someone to fill the space in between so that I don’t completely wear him out.  This made me laugh.  Then, we talked about what kind of things I need in another boyfriend.  Although A is skilled in bed in way very very very few men have been, there are certain things that I would like to get from others.  One of the things that D was (extremely) proficient in was his oral.  So, we talked about how I needed a replacement for that awesomeness.  It was hilarious trying to come up with potential “interview” questions for someone for the position of my boyfriend given this criteria, and I used some on one of the guys I’ve seen this past week.

Among other things, A reconnected with an old partner this week.  They are probably meeting in the next week, which is awesome for him.  He’s cute in that he thinks she doesn’t want more from him than coffee/drinks, but he must know better.  A woman doesn’t text out of the blue to meet without wanting more.  I hope he enjoys their reconnection, but I’d be lying if I said I thought it was entirely a good idea.  He doesn’t have the emotional energy to devote to himself and his business, let alone another girlfriend. This is honest and sounds jealous, but the reality is that if both of us are having such trouble getting in the same place at the same time and just being together, adding another person to the mix isn’t going to make it easier.  But in the end, the decision is his and I’ll be happy no matter what he chooses.

Another thing he said was that when he came into my life as a partner in January, he was third.  Behind F, and then D, who was behind F, and that he was never prepared to be #1.  I had honestly never thought of him as #1, which might sound bad, but I guess I just always knew he had obligations and engagements that were going to be so far outside of our relationship that I never really considered the ramifications of the fact that he is my only partner right now.  But he’s right, he can’t be everything to me, and while I don’t expect him to be, it must be hard to be the married boyfriend of a newly separated, recently dumped, solo-poly girl with four kids.  Perhaps I should spend a little more time thinking about our interactions than just being?  Maybe.

In the end, I’m enjoying dating again.  I’m quite interested and intrigued by several men I’ve been chatting with.  K is still in the picture, and I’m hoping that our first date will happen soon.  The new guy has promise. There are about three more guys who also have potential, whom I am getting to know.  I hope to one day be musing about the hard decisions I have to make about who to prioritize and all the awesome sex I’m having.

As a side note, god I miss the days when I had lots of awesome sex.

Life is moving forward in its wonderful and crazy and complicated ways.  Some days are hard and awful, but most have moments of love and laughter and happiness.  Some are full of family and connection and love and perfection.  So many more are full of good than those that are full of bad.  I truly love my perfectly imperfect life.  

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Author: Polyagony or Polyamory

In August 2016, after 10 years of being "happily" married, my husband and I decided to embark on a life embracing polyamory. This blog is about that adventure. It's a place for me to let out my thoughts and emotions, as we discover the good and the bad of the life we have chosen. Several months later, the path we have chosen has led us down different paths, farther and farther away from each other, but no less of an adventure. If anything interests you, I'd love your comments and feedback. Discussion and differing opinions are always welcome.

2 thoughts on “Perfectly imperfect”

  1. Wow. You are juggling so many issues and negotiating so many relationships in various stages of development! I don’t know if I could do it! You sound like you are handling a lot of change and transition and taking it all in stride. Amazing!

    Like

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