The other day, I felt sexy for the first time in ages. Last fall, I started taking pictures of myself every time I felt sexy. Sometimes I share them, sometimes I don’t. But I take them, because I like looking at pictures of myself and seeing myself as the sexual person I am, instead of the image that looks back at me in the mirror and everything else that means to me.
I was a hair model for a friend who was taking a provincial test for certification for hair styling. Then she did my eyelashes in the evening. I had a great, relaxing day. I went for a walk to clear my head at the end of it, and it was amazing. Just what I needed after busy days of socializing with relatives and hanging out with my army of tiny people.
What was cool is that I was able to talk to my friend about how I’ve been feeling without sadness or emotion creeping out. I was matter-of-fact but not emotional about it. I don’t know if it means I’m turning a corner or coping better or if I was just in a good place that day, but it was nice to feel normal, but honest and frank about the shit in my life.
Yesterday, I went for lunch with an old friend from my undergrad days. He is quite a bit older than me and always has interesting and sometimes crazy things happening in his life. It was good to see him, the last time we had lunch was a year ago. I told him about my separation and about being polyamorous. I’m pretty sure his head exploded on the table in front of me. For a guy who used to be my FWB, he really didn’t seem to grasp the idea that I could be dating married men and be friends with their wives at the same time. It was kind of funny.
After the lunch, I managed to squeeze in a very quick drink with A, and that was nice. The instant melt into relaxation and calm that happens when I see him was awesome and just getting a hug that showed the connection was what I needed. We made tentative plans for tonight as well. I had offered to cancel a date with a new guy, and then said new guy cancelled on me, so I was available with a babysitter, and we could go out together on a real date if we wanted. He just had to talk to his wife, said he’d see her yesterday evening, and let me know.
Technically speaking, I learned he wasn’t able to get together when he said he was going to bed at 8 p.m. I’m too hurt and angry and raw right now to write about it for a multitude of reasons and I need more time to process before I put words on this screen. Part of it is the lack of communication, part of it is the fact that I think I did a very good job of expressing my feelings and needs then got a placating response, part of it is that he said he was really sorry so I just want to let it go, and part of it is that I wonder if there is more going on and the lack of communication is a sign of something else. So process I will and type I won’t.
On the dating front, things are fun. I am talking to so many men that I sometimes have a hard time remembering who is who. I absolutely love first dates, so I’m enjoying all of them. I’ve got a pretty wicked awesome connection with one guy who I’ve now had two dates with. I guess in the lettering system, I’m going to assign him the letter “L”. He’s a super interesting guy, he is venturing into non-monogamy and is a professional who owns his own house, has dogs, no kids, and is really fun to chat with. We have crazy awesome conversations and laugh a lot. We have enough differences to keep us interesting and enough similarities to keep us connected. He’s also a fantastic kisser and he makes me laugh.
K is still waiting in the wings, and truthfully, I’m holding a spot for him because he has captured my interest in a way that isn’t typical for me. The only reason we haven’t met is because I won’t date anyone unless everyone in his life is onboard. I can’t be “the other woman” and I can’t keep emotions out of my sex. I need a relationship. He knows this, and neither of us wants to screw it up and miss an opportunity, so we both know we can’t meet, because neither of us would be able to stop the chemistry from causing an explosion.
One of the things that’s happened a couple times now is people making plans with me and then ghosting. I don’t understand this. Why not say “Hey, I decided I’m not comfortable with this” or “the connection is just not there” or “I’m just not into you”? There’s so little respect or empathy in ghosting, and I just don’t get it. It’s such a weird phenomenon. Maybe I’m just turning into one of those old people who can’t adapt to the new way things are done! “Those young people just don’t have the same respect we did back in my day…..”