It’s been a while. I’m sure things have happened. Feelings had. Life lived. Nothing crazy or mind blowing (well, except my sex life, but you can just be jealous about that) or hard (well except for….kidding!) or awful. Let’s see what I can dredge up, seeing as how A is going to start nagging me about not maintaining my blog for my 3 followers.
I got tired of dating. Or really, I got tired of all the time that was going into online dating. All the time getting to know a guy, the messages back and forth, the seeming connection, and then we meet and there was NO spark. Like nothing. So I deactivated my OKC profile and decided to be open to new opportunities and not actively look. In an ideal world, I’d have 2 more guys to date, but I’m really happy with the two I have.
The day after this decision was made, I got a Facebook message from a guy I met a few months ago. I was still with D at the time, I think it was right after I asked for a divorce from F. When I saw him, my jaw dropped. The man is gorgeous. I’ve met a lot of hot men through the years, and I didn’t really expect much out of him, so when he was smart and kind and genuinely funny, I was a little shocked. I suppose there is a lot of privilege and bias in my initial assumptions that need to be addressed. I thought that just because he was hot, he wouldn’t be nice or smart. Wow, don’t I look like an over-educated, average looking, judgmental ass. Nothing could be more obvious about my misunderstanding than the way we started talking. He had sent out a “You are awesome” video to pretty much everyone on his friends list. He said his phone was blowing up, and usually it’s quiet. I was shocked that his phone was ever quiet, I told him, because he is so hot and charismatic and nice, I thought he would be fighting off the ladies. He laughed and said he thought I was hot too. I joked that we should talk about that fact some time, and he said I had nice moves. Yep, that’s me, unintentionally getting a date with a man I’ve been lusting after from afar without knowing he was available for months. This girl has game she didn’t know she had.
We’ve been chatting a lot via text and it’s nice. He’s sweet and kind and smart and lovely. We had a date last week, and it was amazing. Tomorrow, he’s coming for an overnight date. Anticipation for this date is killing me.
I had a bit of an epiphany about A and myself and my expectations. Specifically, I realized that he is not the problem, I am. Or rather, my expectations are. He’s never been anything but honest with me, although he could really use an improvement in his communication, because honesty is much better received when it’s timely instead of nagged for. I realized that normally I have no issues. We do our once or twice a week thing, we connect, we pretty much are alone in the world when we’re together, but there’s not much more to it. We chat a bit, are there for support, but our world exists 95% in the context of the short amount of time we spend together each week.
I realized that after I hadn’t seen him for three weeks, and I really missed him and wanted to see him, I wasn’t as much of a priority to him as he is to me. This realization hurt. I wanted him to care about me in the same way I care about him. I wanted him to want to be with me when he hasn’t seen me in a while. I wanted him to miss me like I miss him when he’s gone. But the reality is that I had to accept that that is not the case.
G is my go-to person when I need to figure out what I’m missing. She asks the right questions and she gives the right feedback. She acknowledges my feelings without sugarcoating or placating. I love that woman. I talk to her about every emotion I have before I make any decisions. I’m so glad I have her. Here is what she said:
“I get why it hurts that his life comes before (ergo you’re not really a major part of his life, are you? And I can read how much it breaks your heart that you aren’t) I get how hurt and heartbroken and lonely it makes you that you need more emotionally than he can give. He’s an unabashed third stringer love. Hoping and expecting him to be a first stringer is going to break your heart, break you up, and isn’t fair to him or you. He is only capable of a casual dating relationship. No more, no less. That doesn’t make him wrong for only wanting that. And it doesn’t make you wrong for wanting more. My question to you is why does that more have to be with your relationship with A? Is there any chance you’re comparing his abilities to D?”
My friend, my soul sister, talked me off the ledge. She reminded me to think about the whys of the whole situation. She reminded me that I was searching for something that wasn’t there while ignoring the amazing I did have. She reminded me that expecting more was futile. She also reminded me that what we have can still work for me, but it’s my attitude that needs to change.
I understand where my feelings are coming from and why. I know how to mitigate it through communication. I know how to work through it by really processing the why of how I’m feeling before I react. I’ve had a few more rounds of visceral feelings to various things in the last week, and it’s been easy to put my relationship with A back into context. In fact, he started talking about me getting another boyfriend so he could go back to his role as “number 3” and I just started laughing and told him I was astounded by how romantic he was and that he really knows how to make a woman feel special. Friday as he was leaving, I told him he was a “perfectly adequate third string boyfriend”. We’ve fallen back into that comfortable routine where we are both busy and are able to live our lives and catch up when we’re together, with no pressure. Uncomplicatedly complicated.
In other news, I’m in love with L. He’s sweet and kind and fun and lovely to be with. I’m happy he’s in my life and I’m enjoying every minute I spend with him. The future is bright there and we both know it. I had a gathering the other day and several of my friends met him. One of them said: “L is such a dork and I love him!” He is. He is the best kind of dork. I love him for just being such an amazing person, the person he is.
I have seen D quite regularly in the past months, just being at the same events. It’s fun to chat with him and his wife and to see that he’s doing well. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I still want him, I have reconciled myself to the fact that I always will, but it doesn’t hurt to see him as a friend. In fact, I think it’s pretty great that we can get along and I really like that he’s still in my life. I don’t pine away or silently hope he’s hurting too or want anything more. I just am aware that if he came to me tomorrow and said “Can we try again?”, I would. This is never more true than when I hug him and smell his beard oil. It’s a crazy Pavlovian response that I have every time. The scientist in me understands it completely: the ex-girlfriend in me who knows what it’s like to be covered in that scent after hours or even days in bed together connects that smell to more wonderful things. In the end, this is all just amusing to me.
As I thought about this today, editing it for the third or fourth time, I realized that I’m not sure I would take D back. Honestly, I want what we HAD back. The thing is, he broke my heart by leaving my life during one of the most difficult periods I’d ever gone through. He left me when I needed love and support most. I’m not sure I would actually be able to jump fully back in. Being friends is exactly what we should be.
Otherwise, life is moving forward. I’m crazy busy, happy, and fulfilled. I have good days and bad, full of connection and full of sadness, full of joy and full of boredom. My life is awesome, my life is authentic, and my life is so much easier now that I’ve made so many good decisions for myself and my kids.