Awash in wondering

Time to write about some things that aren’t A-centric.  Of course, he’s been a big part of the new and exciting developments in my life, but there are a couple other people that deserve a little bit of time and attention.  I always write here as if I’m writing to people who don’t know me.  I know a few people who know me in real life read my random musings and I’m sure a few people I know read my thoughts without talking to me about it.  For me, this is all a part of my processing. If I can put words to how I’m feeling, the developments in my life, and adequately portray my process, I’m processing well, I understand myself and who I am and what I need in my life.  Who reads it is less important to me than for me to be clear within myself about how I truly feel.

L and I haven’t seen much of each other in recent weeks. I’ve felt the distance between us and hoped that it would solve itself, rather than feeling the need for an actual conversation about it.  The problem is that he’s busy most evenings, and those few that he is free need to be divided up between two women.  The third woman he’s dating now has a job working evenings, so they get together during the day, a time that never conflicts with my availability.

Two weeks ago, we got together and reconnected. It was cuddles and closeness and some good sex.  It felt like the summer dates when we saw each other more often and could enjoy our time together and not feel like it was being rationed. This last week, we both just wanted to cuddle and sleep.  We ended up doing slightly more than that, but it was rushed and limited.  

I was supposed to go over to L’s Sunday.  Truthfully, I was hoping he’d cancel, I just wanted a day by myself to do random chores and turn inwards a bit.  There have been a lot of new things in my life as of late, and I needed processing and recharging time.  At the same time, I knew that I probably wouldn’t see him this week if I cancelled, so I fired off a text message in the middle of the day asking if we were still on.  I admit to a sense of relief when he said he was having a hard time and needed to be alone.  (It hasn’t escaped my attention that it’s not a good sign if you are relieved that your boyfriend cancels on you).  Then I realized that something was off and asked him.  The rest of the conversation was an exercise in futility.  He was having a hard time with the group sex.  Not the threesome, but the fact that A and I had sex with two other people in the room.  He was being particularly hard on himself for even having feelings about it.  He seemed to have issue that it was something I was doing with A and not with him.  He wasn’t accepting my reassurance or support.  Mostly, I was annoyed, if I’m honest.  I don’t mind people having feelings – lord knows I have them reasonably often – but I was annoyed that he wasn’t owning his and trying to work through them rather than just dumping on me.  I spent a lot of time that night wondering if we are, in fact, compatible. Wondering if I’m too much for him.   In the end, I was just annoyed that the hot new development in my life was tarnished by his response to it.  I was also annoyed that he even had issue with my choices in MY sex life.  The feminist in me wanted to scream from the rooftops that it’s my damn choice and he didn’t have a right to an opinion (unless, of course, I was being unsafe, which I wasn’t).  In reality, I was supportive and kind and understanding, because I can’t hope to understand exactly why he’s feeling the way he is.  Monday, I got an apology from him where he owned his shit and I am no longer annoyed.  Hopefully moving forward will be OK.  More on my personal issues in a bit.

Things with M are….OK?  I think he’s still in, and I think I’m in, but my original lust for him has dwindled a bit.  He’s super hot.  He’s super nice.  But I don’t know if it’s going anywhere.  The sex is fantastic, but keeping my interest and my sexual attraction means stimulating me intellectually and challenging me personally.  I’m not sure he does either.  In particular, he’s got some interesting alternative health and science-sceptic views that aren’t compatible with my very strong scientific knowledge.  It’s my profession for fuck’s sake, so questioning its validity with “well, I just believe….” doesn’t really hit me well.  I think I just need to spend more time with him and see where it goes.  I’m torn because our kids get along so well. It’s amazing.  I really like one of his other girlfriends.  I just don’t know.  He cancelled our date this week and I feel ambivalent about it.  Is it OK to feel ambivalent this early?  I don’t know!

 

With all of these things in mind, here are the personal issues that hit me earlier this week:

The hot sex with A and the hot group sex with U and Z and dom/sub dynamics have my head reeling a bit.  The problem is that I’m having a hard time getting what I need out of the vanilla sex that I have with L and M now.  It’s not like it’s bad sex, it’s just that the “mind-blowing, overwhelmingly hot, overcoming my entire body with desire and exhaustion” – sex that I have with A and had in our threesome and then our foursome makes the great sex I have with L and M seem, well, ordinary.  

The truth is, I don’t know if this is a problem. But this realization, combined with the fact that I haven’t seen either L or M in over a week (and I’m not that bothered by this fact), means that I can’t stop thinking about whether continuing my relationships with them is the right thing to do.  Am I getting what I need and want out of them?  The reality is with L that when we saw each other more, we had more of the connection that was necessary to keep it going in between.  There was shared experiences and cuddling and laughing and doing things together. There was intellectual stimulation and challenging, interesting conversations.  Now we have a few hours a week together where we are both exhausted.  It’s not working for me.  It’s a barely stuck bandaid on top of a sore that won’t heal.  We need more time together to reconnect properly, not settling for a quick fix every so often.  

With M, now that the physical excitement is wearing off, as hot as he is, and as nice as he is, I’m not sure he IS the right guy for me to be dating. I’m not sure if we have enough in common.  There’s only so much divorce and sex people can talk about before it becomes a little monotonous.  There’s only so much sex you can have in between to distract you from the lack of intellectual compatibility.  

Add to this the fact that I’ll likely meet up with U and Z for some threesome action in A’s absence. This means that I will have a dom taking care of my needs in between dates with A.  I’ve been wishing for another date with A in between our weekly dates for months.  It would be pretty damn great to have a dom who can take care in between.  If I had mind-blowing sex twice a week like that, I’d be a damn happy lady, and then I’m wondering where my other relationships fit in there. The reality is that if the relationships aren’t bringing value and joy and connection and love to my life, there’s no reason to continue them.  I guess that finding the “sweet spot” that I need is the issue.  The reality of all of this is that I need to get together with both L and M and really commit to figuring out if what I need and want out of those relationships is what I’m getting. Until I do that, me trying to figure out what all these doubts floating around in my head mean is an exercise in futility.  In the meantime, I think it’s good for me to acknowledge that I’m having doubts and work through identifying why. So that’s where I am.

On a positive note, A and I are going away for the weekend. I’m giddy like a kid in a candy store. I can’t wait to see what this weekend brings for us!

 

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Author: Polyagony or Polyamory

In August 2016, after 10 years of being "happily" married, my husband and I decided to embark on a life embracing polyamory. This blog is about that adventure. It's a place for me to let out my thoughts and emotions, as we discover the good and the bad of the life we have chosen. Several months later, the path we have chosen has led us down different paths, farther and farther away from each other, but no less of an adventure. If anything interests you, I'd love your comments and feedback. Discussion and differing opinions are always welcome.

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