I’m in this wonderful in between zone where I am not quite back to reality after my first weekend away with A. We went away on a “romantic” weekend this weekend (romantic belongs in quotation marks, because no one would consider us romantic), leaving Friday night after work and return at supper time today. It was wonderful. There really isn’t a better word to describe it.
The week leading up to us leaving was even more busy than A’s normally ridiculous weeks. For me, it was easy and more difficult at the same time. Both L and M cancelled their dates with me, so there were no late nights on dates. I worked late every evening to get a little bit ahead so I didn’t have to do any work on the weekend, and could just relax. We got to our hotel, a four hour drive from home late on Friday night, and as we were having a drink and relaxing, A started feeling sick. A snack and a bit of relaxing had him feeling better but drained and it became obvious to me that the thing he needed most was rest, so, despite working up to this evening all week with rules and teases, I kissed him goodnight and told him to get some sleep (I let him get some. Not lots, just some).
I can’t really explain how nice it was to just relax. To just BE with A. No rushing, no schedule, nothing outside of us. Which is funny, because so much of our conversation was about our lives outside of ‘us”. We talked about our other partners a lot. We talked about our lives, our relationship, navigating the new developments in our relationship and a potential relationship for A and U. We talked about A’s wife starting to date and his feelings about that and my relationships with L and M and the doubts I’m having. By far the most interesting conversation we had was when he stopped me mid-sentence and said: “Stop. Do you realize how weird our conversations are? I’m sitting here with my girlfriend on a weekend away, where we talk about my wife and your boyfriend, and here I am giving you advice about your relationship with your other boyfriend.” It was funny, because until he pointed it out, it just seemed so normal!
We drank, we ate, we had sex, we slept. We had the most wonderful steam shower and jet tub and heated tile floor in our hotel room. I got to reach over and touch him in his sleep, to move over and cuddle up to him until I got too hot and we both attached to our respective edges of the bed. We got to try some new fun things that we hadn’t before because we had a weekend to do so and he may have turned me into a human puddle more than once because I was so sexually satisfied (this is HUGE people, HUGE! This almost never happens!!!). It was comfortable and fun and nice. I was encouraged that we got along so well and the conversation just flowed with lots of laughing and joking and periods of quiet and easy decision making and so much connection.
Now, a couple days into my week, I’m back to reality. I’m in this wonderful place where I’m not totally aching for sex because I was actually so sore earlier in the week that the idea of someone touching me made me cringe a little knowing that somewhere would hurt. Today, I’m less sore but still happy. I guess that means he did good work, because two days later, I’m still satisfied. I definitely need to keep him around!
Yesterday, I had my girly eyelashes and hair appointment with one of my friends and G had one right after mine. I needed some of G’s wonderful advice (the girl is a genius in all things, but most of all, in saying the things I need to hear, which are rarely the things I want to hear). So I talked to her about my issues with L and M. First, L: On Sunday on my way home, I texted to see if we were still getting together that evening. I knew I was going to have to have a serious talk with him about expectations and had messaged him earlier in the week to ask him for the same. When I messaged him, I got a response cancelling our date, with little explanation as to why, and in fact, a refusal to explain. I was hurt. I joked with A that the sound that came from my phone was a nail going into the coffin of my relationship. When I talked to G last night, she made the very coherent point that with the personal issues that L has, the fact that he just started a new job, and that he has two other women he is dating, he is completely incapable of giving me what I need in a relationship. It was the smack in the face I needed. Yep, I have to end that relationship.
Next, M. I really like him. He’s kind and fun and sexy and a genuinely nice guy. But I’m not feeling it. I realized that with my ambivalence to his (and L’s) canceled dates last week, I needed to acknowledge that I wasn’t really committed to them. The intellectual connection just isn’t there. Part of my commitment to my life right now is only doing things that fulfill a purpose in my life – to make me happy or to keep me alive. Neither of these relationships did either. So, I’ve ended my relationship with M. He took it like a complete gentleman. He was so awesome about it, I actually left the conversation liking him more than I liked him yesterday. I’m going to have my conversation with L on Thursday. I’m not looking forward to it.
Contrast all of this to my response to A. Nearly a year since our first date, and 10 months since I crossed the couch, my heart responds daily with the messages I get from him. I’m excited to see him. I love knowing about his day. When I touch him, there’s a visceral (very positive) response. When I think about him, I want to be next to him, chatting with him about the ridiculousness that is our lives. I’m never in doubt that I want him in my life, even when I’m “crazy bitch” angry with him. Contrast this to the ambivalence, and even apathy, that I felt with L and M, and the correct response to my doubts was glaring me in the face. I needed to end my other relationships. Of course, I handled delivering my decision extremely well for A and just texted him out of the blue that this was what was happening in my life, without warning. Despite the fact that I know I’m causing A a bit of stress, I know that I’m making great decisions, and he trusts me to make them. I’m sure he’s happy that there is a guy or two who is interested in my profile and wants to meet.
On the way back from our trip, A’s wife called. She updated him on some super cool parenting things and the fact that she activated her OKCupid profile and had her first date. Any details about her dating life or his response to it are theirs to tell, not mine, but today I got a random text from A that went like this:
“Strangest conversation: Wife: I don’t really want to date guys out of the local poly group. A: Once you know names, run them past GF and she can let you know the ones she knows. WTH?!”
I just responded that she definitely should talk to me, and extended the open invitation to talk to me! (Our local polyamory group has a few bad eggs that like to fill the wall with drama and immaturity and I don’t blame her at all for not wanting to date them. I’m also more than happy to help her avoid them.)
In the “weird sentences I never expect to write” theme, I was texting him about breaking things off with L and M, and apologized that it was hitting him when he was dealing with some new things at home that were a little overwhelming. He told me not to worry, and my response went something like this: “It would be stupid to stay in another relationship because the one boyfriend I want to keep is having a hard time with his wife starting to date.” Definitely one of the weirdest sentences I’ve ever typed!
This morning, I had a conversation with U about A. I told her that he is totally into her and that everything was OK with me. That I knew we could navigate the potentially complicated situation of my boyfriend dating one of my besties with little issue. I realized that she was probably holding back from the obvious connection between the two because of me and my relationship with her. I wanted her to know that I shouldn’t be a concern to her, or them, moving forward. I also know that A smiles like a teenager in love every time he talks about her and that he’s trying to figure out a way to fit her into his ultra busy life. I knew that encouraging her to date him would lead to his happiness, so I encouraged it.
So, imagine my surprise today, when I found out that he went over for “lunch” during the day and it hurt, like in-my-chest-huge-pang-HURT. I knew immediately that it was an illogical reaction. I’d just been encouraging him to date her and encouraging her to date him, but that didn’t change the fact that it got to me. A, to his credit, asked me if I was upset. I told him that I needed some time to think it through. He apologized and was generally awesome about it. I was quite clear that he didn’t do anything wrong and that he definitely didn’t need to apologize, but I just needed to work through stuff.
Then, he phoned. He wanted to have a ‘feelings’ talk, as we call them. Wait!!! HE PHONED! We never talk on the phone! I had a date, so it was delayed, but we talked as I drove home. It was incredible. So clear and functional and caring and awesome. I have yet to process the whole thing, so I’m going to leave it there, but what I left the conversation with was the genuine comfort that comes with knowing that my partner cares about me enough to check in to make sure I’m OK when something unexpected happens and elicits an emotional response. That in and of itself is kind of awesome, but he, however unintentionally, told me he loved me tonight, and that was just
awesome….exactly what I needed to hear.
I’ll write more about life tomorrow. About the new guy I’m completely lusting after, about breaking up with L, when I do it, and about what I think about A and U having “lunch” without me, 24 hours later.