I love that people actually want to read what I’m writing, not just my boyfriends and best friend, but there are people out there who are legitimately interested in my life and my random musings about it. I am reminded, occasionally, that I make assumptions and generalizations that can offend people. This is not intentional, my blog is my space, where I write about my experiences, my perspectives, my feelings, and my failings. My writing is also completely full of my biases. It also contains only snapshots in time, wrapped up in short(ish) posts about events I’m interested in relating. It’s just a small part of me, the part I feel like sharing in that moment.
I often don’t write about things that would hurt others if they were to read it. I try to keep my posts about me, respecting the privacy of my friends, partners, and family. Some things that happen to me just aren’t that big of a deal or important enough to write about. Some things I haven’t shared because I haven’t had the need or the opportunity. Some, I’m not ready to share or I’m not done processing. I think that some people lose sight of the fact that no matter what you read, you are not getting the full story.
With that in mind, I thought I’d write about some of the things I haven’t written about, for whatever reason:
- The fact that I picked up my kids from F’s last week and his parents and siblings were there and there was awkward with his mum and sister. That W arrived while I was there, and seeing her hug them and say hello hurt me more than I anticipated. Turns out that she can have F, but I’m not so happy about her taking my place in his family. I don’t want her to hurt them like she’s hurt me.
- The fact that F’s family, sans F, came over for lunch a couple days later and it was amazing to see them and to begin to redefine and reestablish that relationship. To know that we can continue to be a family even after the breakdown of my marriage to their son/brother. That they are truly happy to remain in my life with no conflict.
- How I’m hemorrhaging money because F is delaying our separation agreement finalization and I need to consolidate my debt into my mortgage and everything is just sitting waiting to be signed and he’s taking his sweet time because he makes 140% of what I do and has less bills. So when my eldest needed new leggings and winter boots and I couldn’t afford it, my mom went out without being asked and bought her four pairs of leggings and new winter boots and just asked me to stop by. She also got stuff for the three other kids. I ugly cried with complete gratitude into my mom’s shoulders that day and she cried too.
- How my sister has completely cut me out of her life. How she’s spending a lot of time with F. How she’s interfered in my separation. How she’s influenced my relationship with my father, which was already strained, but is now pretty much nonexistent. How she’s cutting herself out of my mom’s life too and how much this hurts my mom. Or how, despite the fact that I would love a good relationship with my sister, my life is so very much easier without her in it, and I feel slightly guilty for the relief I feel that I don’t have to deal with her bullshit.
- Why my relationship with my dad is strained. I haven’t written about the emotional abuse. I haven’t written about the absentee father who never took responsibility for his actions and promised the world but rarely followed through on his words. I haven’t talked about the 12-year-old girl who idolized him and was left waiting for him to arrive to pick her up on more than one occasion to not have him show. Or the 17-year-old girl, who desperately wanted a father, who got kicked out of his house because she called the alcoholic step-mother an alcoholic.
- What those first years of independent living were like, the sexual abuse, the frequent moves, the bad and the good decisions I made during that time, and how so many of those decisions provided a foundation for who I am now.
- What it’s like to have family and friends all over the world who I miss immensely and how their absence/distance from my life leaves a hole that isn’t fillable, and sometimes, it’s too much.
- How I had a bad day the other day. I was emotional, near tears all day, and I didn’t know why. It’s a big deal that I reached out for comfort, knowing that I needed time and physical touch with one of the men I love. How A came and met me during my lunch break and we sat in the back of his truck and snuggled and chatted. How I melted into him and everything was right again. How hard it is for me to ask for that comfort when I need it. I’m so fiercely strong and independent, and being vulnerable isn’t always my strong point. I can ask for what I need because for the first time in my life, I’m dating men who actually want my happiness, and that breaks down walls, and I’m so thankful for them.
- How heartbreaking it is when my kids complain that they don’t see me enough and I have to explain that I have to work extra right now so we have a house and food and clothes and all the necessities of life and have them say they just want to be with me. Then I hold them and cuddle them and tell them I love them.
- What it felt like to introduce my kids to O and to meet his daughter. How he’s changed my expectations in my relationships and had me reevaluate so many of my priorities in my dating life. How good it feels to know I can talk to him about everything and have him understand and respect my boundaries and work with me to build the relationship we want together.
What’s my point? There are things that I haven’t written about. Ironically, I just admitted to some in writing, but my point would be lost if I didn’t write in my blog! Everyone has a story and very few others are privy to all the details. Even those who are in the know most certainly didn’t live the feelings, nuances, details, and stress. Sometimes, we have to remember that everyone has a story, everyone has a battle they are fighting, and everyone deserves compassion and understanding.