There are so many feelings I want to write about.  I’m a little overwhelmed by all the feelings actually.  I’m not really used to all this happiness and the excitement of love, both established and new, and all of it certain.

    O has stormed into my life and left the most wonderful disaster in his wake. My expectations of relationships have changed, my desires for my future have altered, and so much of my time is spent reconsidering everything I have planned in life with him as part of it.  It’s a pretty amazing place to be.  It’s intense and wonderful and so full of connection and love. It’s hard to put into words how fulfilling this relationship is.  It’s just right. We can talk for hours about anything and everything and laugh and love and be sad and connect. The sex is hot.  O’s got skills!  This man is a game changer who is so important to me already and I have no doubt that he’ll become more and more important as time goes on and we escalate.  We have spent a lot of nights together and have many more planned.  

I had some pain last week that landed me in the hospital.  In a weird turn of events, O and A met in my basement that night.  I even got a picture of them together, which I didn’t remember taking, thanks to the meds given in emergency and a few too many glasses of wine.  A couple days later, O and I met for drinks in the afternoon, and A came and met us and then O’s other partner came to meet us all and then A and I took off.  A approves wholeheartedly of my relationship with O. This fact triggered a hilarious conversation where A joked that he deserved an opinion after the length of time we’ve been dating, and I asserted (correctly) that his opinion doesn’t really matter.  Honestly though, it’s great that A recognizes how amazing O is and it really does help when my partners get along with each other!

    After we left O and his other partner, A and I headed out for the evening.  In a huge step in our relationship (this is sarcasm), he took me to his house while he fed his dog and cat and let the dog out to pee.  It’s the first time I’ve ever been to his house. That’s right, a year after our first date, I finally got to see his house.  I’ve known where he lived for a while because we were in a collision together last February, but have never been there before.  Then we headed off to a sex show, that was disappointingly unkinky, and just seemed to be a bunch of dildo vendors with only one booth worth stopping at, and who is going to spend $250 on a flogger?  We watched a spanking, rope, and cupping demonstration, and it was lame.  The tying took too long, the spanking/impact play was weak and boring, and cupping is dumb.  Disappointed, we headed out to U’s hubby’s birthday party, late for us, but earlier than everyone else, and decided quickly that it was time to go home.  

    On the way back to my place, talking to A, I knew that he was done.  The week was super stressful for him, he was exhausted, mentally and physically, and he didn’t have any more to give.  As we crawled into bed and I cuddled up to him, I asked him what he needed, and he responded “I don’t know”. Two minutes later, he was snoring away in my arms and four hours later, he went home.  It was the first time in our relationship that we didn’t have hot sex on a Friday date apart from when I had surgery, and it was my fault for asking too much of him that night. I should have taken him home earlier in the night, but I totally wore him out.  

    The next day, he was super sweet, apologized for his state, and I told him the absolute truth – that I would happily hold him while he slept any time as long as I got to spend time with him.  

Among the things we’ve chatted about since is that he has a bit of a hard time talking about what he’s going through and asking for what he needs, or even knowing what that is.  Last week, I had, for the first time I can remember, asked for cuddles and love in a situation when I wasn’t feeling in control of my emotions, and didn’t understand what was going on.  It turns out that I know a lot about not asking for what I need and sometimes, not knowing what that is.  In this case, I understand his inability to adequately communicate his feelings, which helps me to attempt to deal with his needs on my own, or really, just be there for him.  For me, what’s important is that I’ve realized that it is a big problem that I need to work on.  I’ve been so strong and independent for so long.  I’m a great communicator, but not until I’ve processed my hurt or anger or insecurity.  Until I’ve reached a conclusion, I suffer alone, not telling those who love me that something is going on.  This means that my partners often are a little shocked by the revelation that I have reached a conclusion on something they didn’t know I was processing.  I realized that I feel weak asking for what I need, or asking for help, or asking for support.  I realized that I try to power through things and that’s not OK.  

The thing is, I have two men in my life who really do want to help me work through my things.  I have several friends who want to fill the role as well. Then here I am, trying to power through things on my own, when I have several someones who would like to come on the journey with me and share the load.  I’m not used to this.  The quality of the people I date is exceptionally high. A and O are amazingly strong, intelligent, and compassionate men.  I need to catch up and remember that they are the type of men you lean on.  

This brings me to my conclusion for the day.  I have two men in my life who are exceptional.  Together, they have increased my expectations in relationships so much.  The biggest problem with this is that I have zero desire to date anyone else.  I love these men and they have earned such high regard in my life.  When the biggest problem in your life is that you have such amazing quality relationships in your life, you know that you have a blessed life.


Author: Polyagony or Polyamory

In August 2016, after 10 years of being "happily" married, my husband and I decided to embark on a life embracing polyamory. This blog is about that adventure. It's a place for me to let out my thoughts and emotions, as we discover the good and the bad of the life we have chosen. Several months later, the path we have chosen has led us down different paths, farther and farther away from each other, but no less of an adventure. If anything interests you, I'd love your comments and feedback. Discussion and differing opinions are always welcome.

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