Missing X

I was writing this post before the disaster with O that I’m still processing.  I just want to get it out there, and it’s still relevant.

I have a handful of things swimming around in my head that I want to write about. I get an immense amount of comfort from writing out my feelings, some small and rather insignificant and others that are huge and impossible to wrap my brain around easily.

Last summer, X and I rekindled a bit of a relationship. Not romantic, but not just friendship either.  We had maintained that amazing 22 year connection and sexual attraction to each other and we celebrated the sexual connection by sharing as much as two people can share sexually over 1400 km and only an internet connection. It was lovely.  I didn’t feel pressured or commited or like I was obligated. It was simple, just connecting when we could and not worrying about anything in the meantime. I realized somewhere in there that I still love him.  Not in that deep, life partner sort of way, just that he is someone I really care about.  I had realized that having what we had gave me an outlet to express that love and it was exactly what I needed and we got to have a relationship on our own terms.  

Life got busy for him, with some major work successes and everything else that he had going on in his life.  I returned to work after summer, met O, and my life ramped up in its usual fall busyness.  He started having a hard time balancing life, he said, and the time between communications would go longer and longer and then they stopped in mid-November.  The last couple messages I sent went unanswered. He deleted his Facebook, or perhaps blocked me, and I haven’t heard from him in a couple months.

I’ve had enough on my mind in the last months that I was actually actively choosing not to acknowledge or process this development.  My life being what it is, I was reminded of his disappearance like a baseball bat to my head the other day. Through a very cool, statistically improbable series of events, O reconnected with a girl he dated for an intense period when he was 20 years old.  They went for drinks to reconnect and when she went home after hours of clothes-off reconnecting, he and I debriefed.  Turns out that their connection is still there 27 years later, and he’s very excited about this new development.  In fact, it’s the most excited I’ve seen him about dating a new person since we’ve been together.  It resulted in a few feelings on my part, but we quickly talked through them and I am super excited for him, and looking forward to watching his new relationship develop and getting to know my new metamour.  

However, as I thought through the cool story of O and his new-old girlfriend, I recognized the connections between their story and my story with X.  This brought the disappearance of X from my life to the forefront of my mind.  Having worked through the other things that had been bothering me, the emotion of X’s absence in my life hit me like a tonne of bricks. This started with a little bit of envy that O gets to live out the conclusion of that life-long connection and I so badly would like to do that with X.  It’s a little silly being envious, but it would be really cool to actually explore how awesome things could be with X after so many years of fantasizing and connection.

The fact is, X disappeared from my life in October 2016 because he didn’t have his priorities straight with his girlfriend. It caused a huge amount of hurt for me.  I was thrilled to have him return to my life.  He and I had a connection that was evolving nicely and calmly for me and was quite fulfilling. But he left me suddenly.  Again.  I see the pattern. I see how disposable I am to him.  I feel that pain acutely.

I don’t know how I’ll handle it when he returns to my life again.  I guess it depends what’s actually going on in his brain right now.  But I do know that I’m going to be a little more hesitant to welcome him back.  I miss what we had and mostly, I hope he’s OK.  

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Author: Polyagony or Polyamory

In August 2016, after 10 years of being "happily" married, my husband and I decided to embark on a life embracing polyamory. This blog is about that adventure. It's a place for me to let out my thoughts and emotions, as we discover the good and the bad of the life we have chosen. Several months later, the path we have chosen has led us down different paths, farther and farther away from each other, but no less of an adventure. If anything interests you, I'd love your comments and feedback. Discussion and differing opinions are always welcome.

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