Processing

Early this week, O reconnected with an old flame from 27 years ago.  He’s consumed by NRE and truthfully, it was really cute to see them together when we met at a local polyamory pub night last night.  This pub night is a monthly event, one I try to get to because I rarely socialize with anyone unless it’s with one of my  people one-on-one.  The plan of the night was for me to go to O’s and then head to the pub night together.  Before the pub night, we had a great talk about how we were back to our wonderful dynamic and that things were amazing again.  We talked about things we want to try and I told him that I was *almost* at the point where I could share him, but not quite yet. His new GF was going to meet us at the pub.  I was planning on staying the night at O’s place, as I knew I would have too much to drink to drive and he lives a couple blocks away.  S and her hubby came and met us as did O’s new GF.  It was a rather perfect poly evening, with lots of wine, lots of kisses, and lots of laughing.  Around 11 p.m., we left the pub to walk to O’s house a few blocks away.  Each of us were holding O’s hand and I remember joking on the way to his place that it would be hard for the three of us to fit into his bed. I really didn’t realize that she was coming to his house too.

When we arrived at his house, O and his GF were making out in the driveway, and while I am happy for his happiness, it isn’t something I want to see.  So I let myself into his place, stripped, and crawled into bed, fully expecting that he would crawl into bed and cuddle me as we slept.  The next thing I knew, they were inside his apartment, and making out there.  I sent him a text that said “I love you.  Where is your phone?” (it was going off in his suite) and then “I love you. You’re making out with GF right now. I’m intentionally not watching. I want you to be happy.”  I heard the “New text message from *me*” go off on his phone and we giggled about the fact that I was texting him while he was in the room.  I then fell asleep, assuming that they were saying goodbye and that he would be coming to bed shortly.  

An indeterminate amount of time later, I woke up because the bed was shaking and there were some joyful sex noises permeating the room.  O and his GF were having sex next to me on the bed.  I got up, stumbled to the bathroom, did my thing, and through my drunken haze, tried to figure out what was going on.  I returned into the room (I couldn’t just wander naked into the other part of the house that O shares with his roommate) and crawled onto the couch that’s at the foot of his bed.  They stopped their fucking for long enough for him to ask me to join them, and I declined.  He asked me to come back to bed, and I said “No, I’m good here, I’m just going to cover myself with a blanket and go back to sleep.”  I then curled up in fetal position on the couch, covered myself with a blanket, and plugged my ears to drown out the sex noises coming from a couple feet away from me.  At this point, I was in survival mode. I wish I had gotten dressed and left and called a friend to get me, but I was curled up and trying to make myself as small as possible and shelter myself from the awful happening around me.

Some time later, he said good-bye to his GF and woke me up and asked me to come to bed.  I declined again, saying that I was going to sober up, start processing what just happened, and when I was ready, I would go home.  I woke about 4:00 a.m. and gathered my things and went home without saying good-bye. I crawled into my bed and slept for a short while longer and went to work.  We’ve been texting all day.  Here’s how that went down.

Good morning, love!  Can I see you after work this afternoon? Or at least a phone call?  Please let me know.  The evening totally didn’t go as I expected and….wine.  I hurt your feelings and I feel like dirt.  I am sorry.  

(I don’t want to say how little I cared that he felt bad.  I was so pissed off at the immediate excuse and thinking it was “hurt feelings”.)

Good morning. I’m sure I can find time to talk this afternoon.  I’m not really ready to discuss anything yet.  I’m trying to wrap my brain around how I ended up in a bed where my boyfriend was fucking his girlfriend next to me and then on a couch where I had to listen to everything. I’m trying to figure out how I feel about it, other than disgusted with myself that I didn’t have good enough boundaries to begin with and that I was too drunk to just leave.

I can meet you after work but I have to pick up my daughter at 4:00….I tried to include you but you weren’t into it.  Sorry, we should have talked about possibilities beforehand and should have checked-in when we got to my place.  If you tried and I was too drunk to register it, I will own that and apologize.

(More excuses.  No ownership or acknowledgement of what he did and how fucking inappropriate it was)

I have a busy afternoon planned and a date with A tonight, and honestly, I’m not really in the mood to see you. I’m livid.  This is a major consent violation. MAJOR.  “Tried to include me”?  Fuck that. You made a really bad fucking decision.  I was asleep when you guys crawled into bed. I wasn’t “not into it”, I was FUCKING SLEEPING.  What you two did was completely fucking inappropriate.  

And while I’m at it, the fact that you continued after I woke up and moved to the couch is even that much more inappropriate.  Jesus Fuck.  How could you?

I am sorry. We should have talked about this beforehand and on the walk home. I totally wasn’t thinking straight and was very drunk.  I should have had dinner.  I am sorry, Love.

(More excuses.  This time about drinking.  More pissed off.  More disappointed in him. And myself.)

Do you blame bad furniture placement when you stub your toe too?  Drunk is not an excuse.  In fact, there is no excuse.

I’m going to suggest that you back the fuck up, think really hard about what you did last night and what you need to say to me about it.  This isn’t a little thing.  This is a major thing. You are saying all the wrong things, in a situation where I was trying to determine if I can get past it.  I don’t have much left to give you in this situation. I am really really fucking angry.  Consent is so important. You completely violated it.  You fucked up, and fucked up big time. It’s a huge breach of trust.  I’m going to spend the day and night processing this and deciding what I need to do. I recommend you do the same.  

I highly recommend that you not make another excuse or flippant remark about what you guys did.

I feel ashamed.  How can I make this up to you?

(This is where I lost it. I was so angry I was raging.  Seriously?  What the actual fuck? You fuck up that big, and you ask me to tell you what you need to do?  It’s not eating the last piece of fucking cake! You fucked your GF in the bed next to me without my fucking consent!  Own your fuck up!  NRE is not an excuse to treat people as disposable. Adults don’t allow NRE to make their decisions for them.)

I don’t think you can.

I went for lunch and thought. I talked to G, who is amazing, as always, with the perspective.  Then I realized that I needed to put him in my shoes.

I want you to think about this:  What if you, me, and A left the bar together and got a cab to my house.  You are drunk and crawl into bed naked while I’m saying a lengthy goodbye outside. We come into the bedroom and we’re still making out.  You see us and text to gently remind that you’re there and witnessing things. You fall asleep assuming I’ll crawl into bed with  you.  You wake up an indeterminate amount of time later because the bed is rocking and all you can hear is the noise of A fucking me hard and the sounds I make.  You don’t say anything, but get up and go to the bathroom. When you come back, we don’t stop, but ask you if you want to join. You say “no”, and curl up on the floor at the end of the bed.  I ask for you to return to bed and you say “no, I’ll stay here”, and then you curl up in fetal position and I return to fucking A.  You have to plug your ears to drown out the sounds of our hot fucking that I’m clearly enjoying.

Eventually, we stop. I kiss A goodbye and he goes home.  I wake you and ask you to come to bed. You decline.  

When you are sober enough to drive, you leave and go home.

What would you do in that situation when I messaged you and said “Well, I tried to include you, but you weren’t interested.” and “Sorry, I was drunk, it’s not what I expected from the evening.”

Having someone else sleep over in a sexual way without prior consent from me is disrespectful, assumes my opinion and consent are meaningless, and shows no value for our time together.  

Not a thing about your responses show ownership or recognition of how inappropriate, disrespectful, and unloving you were and how little you valued me, my opinions, my feelings or consent last night.

So tell me, what would you do, if I had done all this to you, and then completely failed to own my shit?

What would you need me to do to “make it up” to you?

Using your example, I would start by insisting you give me a complete and sincere apology, in person, outlining all the ways you disrespected me and our relationship.  I would insist you demonstrate a full understanding of all the ways consent was needed and was not given or even sought in this case.

To “make it up”, I would make it perfectly clear that if something like this ever happens again, it would be cause to end our relationship.  “Making it up” would include ensuring this never happens again. It would also include an increased sensitivity to me and our relationship when it comes to interacting with other partners and to ensure every decision involving other partners is formed on a foundation of respect and honour toward me and the relationship we have built. In time, and with a consistent demonstration of this increased sensitivity to me and our relationship when it comes to interacting with other partners and ensure every decision involving other partners is formed on a foundation of respect and honour toward me and the relationship we have built.  In time, and with a consistent demonstration of this increased sensitivity, perhaps the hurt I felt from going through that situation can be healed. Lastly, not owning your shit when i called you on it was a further indication of how far up your ass your head was and oblivious to the transgression  you made that evening. This must also be included in the apology showing your understanding of how thoughtless you were.  This type of response is indicative of what needs to change with an increase in sensitivity to me and our relationship.

Thanks for that. I need some time and space to process this all. I’m not sure that I can get past this, and if I decided I can, what I need for that to happen.  I’m going to take the weekend to process this all. I’ll come to your place on Monday afternoon when i’m done at work and we can talk about all this.

Thank you.

So now, I think.  I process.  I figure out what action, if any, I have to take.

I’m so angry and so hurt and so fucking disappointed.  Yesterday, I was sure we were back on the right track and doing so well again.  Then, he pulls a potentially relationship-ending asshole move.  I’ve actually never had a boyfriend pull something so completely devastating.  I literally don’t know what to do with this situation. I’m used to small red flags that accumulate over time and lead to me finally coming to my senses.  But this is a huge red flag.  One that I would be stupid to ignore or fail to acknowledge.  I just don’t know if it’s too big or not.

We had a conversation a short time before this happened about the fact that I am not ready to share him with someone in the same room.  I was supposed to sleep over, she was supposed to join us for drinks.  Sure, we didn’t lay out boundaries specifically, but at no point was my consent asked for.  I feel so unimportant. Disposable. Unvalued. Used.  Taken for granted.  Insignificant. Disrespected.  I’m sure I could go on.  

The fact is, he fucked up. I don’t know if I can get past it. I don’t know what the long-term consequences of trying to get past something like this are.  Trust is such an important component of a relationship and I’m not sure it’s something that I can get back.  

I’ve talked to A LOT of people who love me today about this situation. Hoping that one would have that thing to say that told me it was OK to forgive.  Universally, they all told me they loved me and respected me and wanted me to stop hurting.  Some wouldn’t give their opinion except to say how badly O fucked up.  Those that did said I should break up with him.  One said I should *at least* scale back the relationship.  I feel like that would be causing a slow death instead of taking the quick death shot.  I don’t know. I really really really don’t know what to do.  I know I can forgive anything, I’m good at that, but I don’t know if I can forget. If I can’t forget, I may never actually get past this.  

Damn. My heart is broken.

 

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Author: Polyagony or Polyamory

In August 2016, after 10 years of being "happily" married, my husband and I decided to embark on a life embracing polyamory. This blog is about that adventure. It's a place for me to let out my thoughts and emotions, as we discover the good and the bad of the life we have chosen. Several months later, the path we have chosen has led us down different paths, farther and farther away from each other, but no less of an adventure. If anything interests you, I'd love your comments and feedback. Discussion and differing opinions are always welcome.

2 thoughts on “Processing”

  1. Wow. Wow. I’m really sorry that happened to you.

    The opinion of a stranger that has just been reading your blog for a month probably doesn’t give you much that your friends haven’t already, but for what it’s worth there’s something that feels very pat in the way he responded here (and also in the conversation several posts back about jealousy.) I say this as someone who used to do the exact same thing: it reads like he’s scrambling for the words that will make everything good again as quickly as possible, instead of digging deep into his authentic feelings, flawed and otherwise, and owning his shit.

    Like, if I were in your place, I would need to hear that he knows what caused him to make that awful decision. I would need to know, not only that he was determined not to do such a thing ever again, but that he had looked long and hard at the things in himself that allowed him to do it in the first place. Not to dig into a shame spiral, but to be really honest with *himself* about his weak spots and what he needs to do to keep them from hurting you like this.

    Again, I’m so sorry you went through this and have to face such a tough decision.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this amazing comment. You helped me realize something that I really needed to, by pointing out a repetitive behaviour that I had missed. I’m not sure I can adequately explain how much you just helped me understand this situation and what it means to me. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

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