Natural boundaries

I’m in the middle of a busy week at work following an amazing weekend with A.  I have so much fun with that man.  Just chatting, watching movies, getting lost in internet and Youtube rabbit holes, and even doing some real life planning.  I left the weekend with all my emotional buckets filled, feeling like I can take on the world, my heartache left behind.  It was exactly what I needed, I suspect it was something he needed too, and I was able to start my week with renewed positivity and energy.  I’m so glad to have that man in my life.

Over the weekend, where we didn’t leave the house at all, the snow piled in my driveway and on my sidewalk and on his truck, and we got to sit down and have meals and sleep in and have naps and have sex whenever the idea struck, I also did a lot of thinking.  When I stepped away from normal life, I was able to separate out the many different aspects of my life that are going on.  It didn’t hurt that A’s special skills took me out of my head several times, allowing me the mental space I needed to tackle problems.  A and I talked a lot about how my other partners have felt about him (see my previous posts and our comments on it) and what I need going forward. A is always a little concerned when I don’t have another male partner. He, probably justifiably, is worried that he can’t be everything I need.  This has less to do with my sexual needs (although apparently I’m demanding), and more to do with my emotional, time, and connection needs.  More than anything, we have limited time together, so he isn’t the boyfriend who can go out for dinner with me, hang out with friends, or socialize in general.  It’s not that he can’t, it’s just that neither of us are willing to give up our precious hours together to be with other people. We both cherish our time where it’s just the two of us.

So, that got me thinking about what I want in another partner or if I even want one. The fact is, the person has to be nearly perfect for me to disrupt what I have with A and S.  The two of them together tick off so many of my boxes, and for what they don’t, I have excellent friends and exceptional vibrators (friends and vibrators used separately).  My life is pretty happily full and I don’t need much more other than the freedom to pursue what I want if the opportunity comes up. What I did realize though is that the person I do date needs to be already attached. Married or cohabitating is ideal. I don’t want to date another solo-poly individual, and I am not really interested in being someone else’s first poly partner.  The problem with unattached men is that there is no natural limit to how far we can escalate.  This means a lot more complication.  It’s not insurmountable, but with all the stresses going on in my life, I’m not really interested in having to put down hard and firm boundaries that are naturally there when I date someone who has a life partner.  At this point, I don’t want to escalate. I don’t want a partner who *could* live with me one day.  I don’t want to have to determine if he is with me just because I have a career and a house and have my shit together.  One of the things that a couple of my people have reminded me lately is that I am “a catch”.  I am strong, independent, career-driven with a great job, I own a house and car, I’m kind, generous, and fun, I have a lot of children (but some people like that!), and I’m a good parent.  They reminded me that I need to protect myself, communicate my boundaries clearly, and not let people violate them.  I want to know that I have someone who respects my commitments and my schedule and my right to my own life and the parts of it I don’t want to share.  Part of it is that I’ve now introduced two partners to my children as my boyfriends, they’ve become attached to them, and then those partners have disappeared from their lives.  I don’t need another one to come into their life and disappear again.  They don’t need any more loss and it’s reasonably simple for me to prevent their suffering in this case.

I was explaining this all to a monogamous, single coworker.  I said “So ideally, I’ll only date married men.”  It makes perfect sense in the context of my life, but in his, it sounds hilarious.

 

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Author: Polyagony or Polyamory

In August 2016, after 10 years of being "happily" married, my husband and I decided to embark on a life embracing polyamory. This blog is about that adventure. It's a place for me to let out my thoughts and emotions, as we discover the good and the bad of the life we have chosen. Several months later, the path we have chosen has led us down different paths, farther and farther away from each other, but no less of an adventure. If anything interests you, I'd love your comments and feedback. Discussion and differing opinions are always welcome.

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