I’ve been dying to write all week and haven’t had any time. This fact in itself is indicative of how life is. I’m in the middle of a stressful time at work, my kids are peaking in some of their stress over my separation, and I laid out all my cards for F a few weeks ago and made sure he knew that our deal was off if he couldn’t compromise. It seems like the latter might actually be resolved, but I’m not going to hold my breath until the separation agreement is signed.
A few weeks ago, just after I broke up with O, I spent what was supposed to have been a romantic weekend with him alone at my house. It was an amazing reset to be at home alone. During that time, I did a lot of soul searching, along with mourning for the loss of the future I thought I had with O. One of the things I realized is that I need to spend every possible minute with my kids, especially on these weeks where they are in school and I am working and F has the kids on the weekend when I would normally be free to spend time with them. Another was that I need to spend more time alone.
This decision means that I’ve had less time for my friends and other people I love, but has had the most amazing effect on my kids. They are happier and more settled and are opening up and talking to me about all the things that they are going through. It’s meant some pretty heartbreaking talks with my girls, but I think that the heartbreak is part of the steps toward healing in this case. As I work through their hurts with them, I am doing that typical mom overthinking thing. I’m naturally a rather thorough processor of information and this is true in this case too. Part of what I’m processing is just how bad a choice 25-year-old me made in dating and eventually marrying and having kids with F. The hurt he caused me is deep, but the hurt he is causing my children is so much more significant, and now they are in a situation where they will have to deal with him and his manipulation for the rest of their lives. This means I’ve been thinking a lot about the similarities between F and my dad. I grew up with the most dysfunctional father, who manipulated, yelled, verbally abused, and neglected. He is a permanent victim who never takes responsibility for his actions. (Yes, my mom is amazing and my step-dad is fantastic, and a person can grow up to be who I am with only one functional biological parent). I realize now that I repeated history by choosing F. How I’ve condemned my children to so much of the hurt and processing and growth I had to do as an adult, because I chose a broken father for them. I’ve talked to a few friends about this, and their response is always to not be too hard on myself about it, without F I wouldn’t have the four amazing children I do. I know this. I don’t regret it, although I would go back and change my decision if I could, and choose a better father for the children I have, what breaks my heart is that I am going to see my children’s hearts break regularly as they navigate their relationships with their dad.
Processing this has been weighing on me so as a result, my time alone has been spent in relative sadness. The fact is, I’ve been a bit lonely. I realized that part of what I was doing before was filling my time with people and dates just to prevent myself from feeling alone. To the point where I had to schedule time on my own to get the recharge time I needed. The sudden appearance of alone time has me adjusting. I realize how healthy it is to feel lonely but still be happy. To be able to choose to spend time with those I care about and choose to spend time loving myself too. It’s also a reminder that even when you are poly, you can have many loving partners, but you can be alone and feel lonely too. Importantly, this is not always a problem. At present, I’m in need of some connection in the form of cuddles and touch. Now, I get tons of cuddles all the time from four of the most beautiful beings, but what I need is someone to hold me and ground me again, make me feel loved and protected. I need my buckets filled. It is date night with A today, and I haven’t seen him in a week, so there is a real risk that I will hug him and not let him go.
Among the things that I’ve been processing this week is the great sex that S and I had early this week. This was the first time we had sex and was the first time I’ve had sex with a woman with no man in the room too. It was super hot. Slow, soft, and full of laughter, cuddles, and exploration. If the first time we had sex is an indication of what’s to come, we’re going to have a hot sex life! There were some pretty funny moments too. There were a few things I learned:
- Finding a clit isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. While mine is obvious to me, hers was less so. I’ll be doing some serious exploring next time we are together.
- Hair gets everywhere! I’m used to my hair, but I date a lot of bald men and have never had to deal with long hair before.
- That same long hair feels amazing dragging across a naked body.
- Women are soft. Not hard and hairy. It’s amazing.
- I always thought that it must feel pretty damn good to a man to have boobs dragging down their body as a woman goes down on them. I was so right!
- You want to have sex with someone who knows what a woman wants to get her going? You want the best foreplay ever? Date a woman. Seriously. Before I even got close to orgasming, I had soaked the bed. She played me like no one ever has.
- Dating a woman who is also in a dom/sub dynamic is amazing. She fully understands my relationship with A, supports it, and full on laughs when I tell our silly stories. She really wants to meet him and get to know him. Contrast this with my other partners and their jealousy. My heart explodes!
So, the thing about all of this is that I learned a lot and had an amazing first experience with her. It was the fulfillment of a fantasy I’ve had for longer than I can remember, one that I never thought I’d fulfill when I was married and monogamous. With that extreme high came the crash the next day. As I talked to A about my unexplainable grumpiness, he asked a question that made me realize that I just had a pretty major, very wonderful, life experience, and that I needed to process it. Think it through, dissect it (I’m a scientist, taking things apart, putting them back together, and seeing what happens is what I do), and accept it as part of my reality. It’s totally OK to have loved an experience and be overwhelmed and a bit emotional about it. I’ve spent the small amount of down time I had this week processing. I have so much learning to do, but so love where my relationship is headed with S. She’s kinky, smart, kind, understanding, loving, strong, and funny. I am excited about our future and how well we fit together. We continuously joke about how we were made for each other. It almost seems like a dream that she just walked into my life. I am so lucky.
The other day, one of my favourite coworkers came over to watch a movie. In typical me fashion, we talked through the movie. I am not much for movie watching with others – I like to talk and connect with people – so I usually save my movie watching for alone time. He is also going through a divorce and is about to enter the dating world again. We were talking about dating experiences and likes and dislikes and what he wants. He was talking about how his wife didn’t really like the things he did. She wasn’t interested in his hobbies and actively tried to change him. She would get upset if he went for a drink with a friend. She only wanted to hang out with her friends, not his. The list goes on and is a tale that most have heard repeatedly. What he said is that he wants to date someone who gets him – understands him, doesn’t necessarily have to do things with him, but supports him in his endeavours and his interests and doesn’t try to force him into a mold he doesn’t fit into. He said he wants someone who is his best friend. In that moment, I realized exactly what I have. I have two partners who are the best friends I have. I can talk to them about anything, they accept me for who I am without criticism, and we have so much fun together. We have mutual respect and compassion. We share some interests, but have diverse enough interests that our conversations are full of so many interesting moments. Add to that the emotional, intellectual, and physical connections we share on so many levels with so much intricacy and intimacy, and I realize exactly how much I have.
That all being realized, my path forward is obvious. If I get another partner, I want to have a partner who is a friend. Someone who loves and supports me for who I am and the choices I make. I’m not interested in someone new who is going to cause stress or drama. So, I’ve stepped back, mostly rid myself of all the men I was talking to, and other than some efforts to reconnect with an old friend with benefits, I’m not doing much in the dating world. You know what? I’m completely satisfied with that.