Acceptance

Things went stale this last week (Thank you A and S for the reminders – I’m glad I have you two to remind me to write about….you two!).  Not for any particular reason other than I was busy living my life and working too much.  I had a much-needed day off on Sunday that was my first day off after 20 days straight of work between my two jobs.  However, last week was a little less stressful at my full-time job and I took that as an opportunity to cash in and work a lot more at my casual job, which is stressful at best and has crazy hours, so I wore myself out. Then, on the two days I had kids that I could get away, I had mommy-daughter dates with two of my girls. I’m not sure I can adequately express exactly how cool those kids are, and how much I enjoyed my time with them, but it means that I entered this week behind, with little chance of catching up until April.

I took my #2 to visit A’s wife and have coffee on one of the dates.  Their cat had kittens a couple months ago so we went over to cuddle kittens and visit. I had an amazing talk with A’s wife.  She’s truly an absolutely lovely person.  I wrote a while ago about how I would like a better relationship with her as a metamour and with her also dating, that transition seems to be happening naturally. I don’t know if it’s because it’s easier for her now that things are more “balanced” in her and A’s relationship dynamic or if it’s because she now understands on a more personal level what the relationship outside of the life partnership means to the other person, or something else, but I love it.  

A was having a pretty rough week a couple weeks ago (when he passed out less than 30 minutes after arriving at my place) and so his wife and I talked about how much fun he is to deal with when he’s grumpy and even shared a fist bump in solidarity!  One of the things she said that meant a lot to me was that she is so glad that A has found someone who understands him and accepts him as he is.  How he can be gruff and a bit of an asshole sometimes and doesn’t always really care how others see him.  I said that one of the many things about him that I love is that he is unapologetically himself.  I always know exactly where I stand with him, even if I sometimes have to ask.  She said something I have often thought and also means a lot to me: “Isn’t it wonderful having a relationship with someone who chooses every day to be with you?”

IT ABSOLUTELY IS!  The thing about my relationships now is that I have to put a lot of effort into maintaining contact, being clear about what I’m doing, where I am emotionally, and whether I need or want support.  I have had to learn to explain things clearly, not react in the moment until I have more information, and to ask for information when I find some lacking. I have spent some time reevaluating my expectations and totally changing them altogether in some instances. The fact is that every day, I choose A. Every day, I choose S.  And every day, they choose me.  There’s no taking for granted in our situations.  We actively participate in our lives together in whatever form they take, daily.

One of the things that came up between A’s wife and I was that I had to ask her for their address.  Initially, when A and I started dating, they had a rule that they didn’t host dates at their house.  Their house was for their family.  I had been to his house briefly one night when he had to feed his animals while we were on a date, but had no idea where it was, to be honest.  Since my house is mine and even when I was married F worked night shifts, I have always hosted. This is never a problem for me, as I like being at home, it allows me to have dates after my kids go to bed, and it means that I don’t have to drive at the end of the night, I can just roll over and fall asleep.  It strikes me how amusing it is that the first time I went to A’s on my own, he wasn’t even home!

As we were talking about him and his more grouchy nature as of late, we both commented how badly we want him to take a vacation.  It was really positive and quite obvious how much both of us love him and want him to be happy.  We talked about how she wants to plan a getaway and how I totally agree that they need to get away soon, preferably before her work ramps up to chaos levels again.  He needs to be removed from his crazy 14-18 hour days he’s been “on” lately, often seven days a week, and be forced to take care of himself.  I know that part of all this is that he really enjoys the people he works with and the challenges of running his business, but no one can burn a candle at both ends indefinitely, and he’s nearing the end of his wick.  Thankfully, a few days after this conversation, they booked a vacation, so they are heading out in a few weeks!

Somewhere in the conversation, I said “I want to go on a tropical vacation!” and A’s wife said: “I know A is looking forward to a time when you and he can go away together.  I anticipate that we will be doing staggering vacations or even all go on vacation together some time.”  This is music to my ears.  I have a ton of vacation days, and a reasonably flexible schedule if I can plan in advance, and A doesn’t have either.  So being able to share his vacation days with him would be ideal.  This led to us talking about possibly coordinating a camping trip in the summer and a winter vacation next year.   

Logistics and finances might not make it possible, but I love the potential of being able to travel with my love and not take precious time away from his wife and family.  I love the idea of having a polycule that enjoys each other’s company instead of just accepts each other.  I also just really like the idea that I could spend more than a weekend with A, allowing us to relax into each other.  Regardless, it won’t be for some time, but really it’s just the thought of it, the acceptance of me as an important part of A’s life, and the idea that brought me joy.  On top of that, the fact that A’s wife and I are becoming friends is important to me and brings me great happiness.  It’s one less complication in our already wonderful relationship.  

All of this has brought me a lot of calm and happiness recently.  Add to this the stabilizing and supportive force that is S and I’m quite cognizant of what I have in both of them.  So much so, I have deactivated my OKC account and just taken a step back.  I realized how important it is to me to have the uncomplicated relationships I do have, and I’m not interested in having someone disrupt what I’ve obtained.  So it has to be perfect to work and online dating doesn’t facilitate that.  I’ve been working on an old FWB for a return to that arrangement and I suspect it will happen soon.  I also sort of reconnected with M this week – I have no intention of dating him again, but I could handle having him as a casual partner.  A gorgeous black FWB.  All this together had me laughing about how I have A and S and a bit of vanilla (the old FWB) and a bit of chocolate (M).  I think I’m hilarious. It’s OK if you don’t.

Before I got together with M a few days ago. I told A and S both that I would be getting together with him, and that we would likely end up naked.  Both were completely accepting.  A teased me a little, and I said: “I can’t help it, he’s pretty”, and he said: “I know, and you shouldn’t have to control it!”  The next day, I got a message from S in the morning, and she said: “I hope you got fucked hard last night!”, and when I told A that I fucked M again, he said: “Yeah you did!”

This, the ability to be myself, talk honestly and openly about my relationships and my desires, to go out and know that if I follow my desires, heart, or careless whims, I won’t be having a difficult conversation because of it, is amazing.  I realized that I have spent so much time in my previous relationships concerned about how things I want to do will affect the people I’m dating, that I was preventing myself from doing things that would make me happy.  I’m not saying that it’s not important to consider how my actions will affect my loves, because of course I do.  I would never want to do anything to hurt anyone I care about, but the fact is, A and S are both so confident and understanding and compersion-filled, that I never have to worry that they will be anything but supportive.  That is an amazing thing to have.

This support comes out so much in S.  I talk to her about everything and so this often means talking about A and how many of my other partners have felt about him.  I talked to her about O’s jealousy and L’s anger, and everything in between, and as I talked, I realized some things that are absolutely, incredibly important.  First, S loves my relationship with A. She gets it.  She encourages it and is full of compersion from it.  Second, all these people who have had concerns with A have all been the people who have either disrespected my autonomy or questioned my judgement, and worse, violated major boundaries.  One thing A has never done?  Violated a boundary.  Over a year later, I trust him implicitly, because he has shown me week after week that he respects me, loves me, and values me.  I have only to ask for what I need and he gives it to me.  He is honest, communicates well, and is completely reliable.  So, what I think about all those partners that disliked him?  Well, fuck them, really.  He’s still in my life because he has never hurt me.  Let that sink in.  There’s a reason over a year later I haven’t lost my attraction to him in the least.  The fact that S gets all this?  Well, that’s one of the many things on the long list of reasons I love her.

Being accepted as I am, by A and S, and having my relationships accepted by the people in our lives is so incredibly uplifting.

 

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Author: Polyagony or Polyamory

In August 2016, after 10 years of being "happily" married, my husband and I decided to embark on a life embracing polyamory. This blog is about that adventure. It's a place for me to let out my thoughts and emotions, as we discover the good and the bad of the life we have chosen. Several months later, the path we have chosen has led us down different paths, farther and farther away from each other, but no less of an adventure. If anything interests you, I'd love your comments and feedback. Discussion and differing opinions are always welcome.

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