I was set to have 200 followers on my blog right before my last post. Hilariously, I logged in to check for a typo, and found that I went from 199 to 198. I’m not really surprised, I’m sick of my hang ups and writing about A too!
Well, whomever that individual was left just before I finally had my break. Grieving is weird and a wild and crazy path to walk, but somehow, just days after I broke my heartbreak into its component parts, I had a couple breakthroughs. As I was falling asleep one night, I was thinking about how badly A fucked up. I was thinking about what I would say if I could sum it up. It went something like this: “I loved you so much that I continued to love you after you sexually assaulted me. You walked away from a love like that.” The subtext in my head was I loved you enough to forgive you this and you wrecked it. Then I slept.
The next morning when I was driving to work, the reality hit me. His wife forgave him so much too and he didn’t have to sacrifice anything for it. He would have had to sacrifice to keep me.
I followed a man on Fetlife a while ago because he had a fun username. I ended up catching that he modified his profile and followed the link to find that he had said that his now ex-girlfriend had posted a scathing post about him and he asked that everyone offer her support and that he wasn’t going to respond because it would just sound like excuses. He said he wasn’t mad, he was just done.
Did I mention that “I’m not mad, I’m just done” was exactly what A said to me in January when we chatted?
I followed the link to the ex-girlfriend’s post. It was damning. What she claimed he did was terrible. Then she said something: “I know I should hate him for this, but the truth is, I just love him so much.”
How many times have I thought or written that exact thing? I couldn’t be simultaneously disgusted that she still loved him and would forgive him and still love and be willing to forgive A. I just couldn’t.
That was it. Suddenly, any thought of him became a link to that disgusting situation and my eyes opened wide.
I have ruminated on this for several days and I’m OK.
I wrote this to A the other day and decided not to send it, but it’s my truth:
I just want you to know I finally got to the place where I both love what we had and am totally ok with moving on. I won’t be messaging you for anything emotionally loaded moving forward, but I want you to know that when you are ready, I welcome you to reach out. I hope to sit with you and talk about life and have a drink and connect one day. It’s in your hands, and if it never happens, know I loved you so much.
And it feels really good to be here. Moving on.