How Polyamory Has Ruined My Marriage

It fucking hasn’t.  There’s my punchline.

I have. Hubby has.  But not polyamory.  We failed to prioritize each other.  We took each other for granted.  We hit a couple rough patches and instead of running towards each other and holding on, we hid in our other relationships.  That’s not polyamory, that’s bad choices.

What did that get us?  A broken foundation and a fuck ton of work to do to rebuild it.  Or even build it from scratch.  Either way, we are a broken version of the formerly strong, formidable force that we once were.  

Hubby has done a ton of things that have hurt me.  I didn’t forgive well and I escalated the arguments.  I held on to the anger and hid from our problems in my other, very fun, very easy, very passionate, very intense relationships.  You know, the ones where the underwear is only on the floor for the very fun naked time, then it gets put on and goes home to be washed elsewhere?  

He did the same.  In some ways, he was worse, as I didn’t schedule anything until I knew he was away.  I had to fight for time with him, in situations where it should have been obvious to him that he should be home with me or our family.  

I travelled abroad for a family funeral a few weeks ago. The night before I left, our fighting reached a point it never had before.  I crossed a line I never should have crossed.  It was like getting punched in the head with a giant fucking wake up call.  For the next 12 days, hubby refused to talk to me, other than to let me talk on Skype to our kids.  It was the longest we have ever gone without talking.  It was heartbreaking to me, but reminded me what I love and what I have to lose.  I came back rested, relaxed, feeling loved by all the amazing people who moved heaven and earth to just spend time with me, with a new perspective on what I needed to do.  This was good, as hubby was still ragefully angry. So much so that he wasn’t home when I returned, and when I saw him the next day, it was for 1.5 hours with the kids, and then he stormed out when I asked if he would read to our eldest before bed.  I saw him again five days later, when the entire polycule went out with all our kids. (Hubby, his girlfriend, her ex-husband, A, D, me and all our children).  It was the first time he met A, and he didn’t put in much effort. In fact, he didn’t put in much effort at parenting either.  He refused to hug me at the end of the night and it was very difficult for me to see him being affectionate with his girlfriend as they walked away from me and our children.

Add to this the fact that my eldest two children are not doing well with all the fighting.  Our eldest broke down after hubby stormed out the night after I returned from vacation and admitted to having heard hubby threaten divorce when she was listening at the door about a month ago.  A month.  She worried and obsessed about our issues for a month before talking to me.  She also told me that she talked to a babysitter about how “mommy and daddy have been fighting a lot because they both spend so much time with other friends and not each other.”  “But don’t worry mommy, I didn’t tell her that you have boyfriends and daddy has a girlfriend, just that you were friends.”  My little girl felt she needed to lie for me.  Felt she may get in trouble for talking to a trusted adult.  What kind of message have I sent my child if she feels she has to moderate herself when asking for support from a trusted adult? Talk about feeling like a colossal parenting failure.  Then, when we were on our way home from our night with the polycule, my second broke down when she realized daddy wasn’t coming home with us.  This is my second who is strong and fiercely independent and never stops joking and never talks about her feelings.  I cried my heart out the whole way home.  

There you have it.  The two major eye opening events of the past three weeks.  What do they mean?

Well, a fuck of a lot.

First, I need to step back.  I need to be kinder and more compassionate and more accepting of hubby and his feelings.  I need to apologize more and complain less.  I need to give him time and space and the ability to run away if he needs, until he’s processed his anger and healed the hurt and comes back to the table.  As he won’t even hug me unless all the stars align, it means I have to be patient and nurture the little bit of hope I have that we can fix things like you would incubate a fertilized egg under a heat lamp.  It’s hard.  I’m not perfect.  Choosing the right words is hard.  Not reacting and defending and rationalizing is hard.  But I’m learning.  Learning to just say sorry.  Learning to just listen.  Learning to let go of my very real concerns until he can actually hear them. It’s hard for me to not be able to feel my feelings and have the person responsible for them acknowledge his role.  It’s hard making myself available to him and having him choose to be elsewhere.  But it’s the right thing to do for us.

Secondly, in the meantime, I have beautiful children who are suffering and I didn’t even notice.  They need me. They need me to tuck them in and kiss them goodnight.  They need me there so they can talk about their concerns and their fears and their successes and failures. They need me to be their safe place to cry and to talk and to laugh and to love and to cuddle.  They, those beautiful children, are bearing the brunt of our inability to cope with our own choices.  We are failing at adulting and we are failing them.  So, while my hubby heals and hopefully works his way back to me, I’m going to be what my kids need.  I’m going to provide them the stability and love they have been missing.  I will never let them feel the way they have been feeling these last months again.

Why isn’t polyamory responsible?  Because it fucking isn’t.  Hubby and I fucked up communicating.  We fucked up prioritizing each other.  We lost sight of our love for each other and focused on being right.  None of those things have anything to do with polyamory. They all have to do with us being giant fucking morons.  Well, this moron is growing a brain and focusing on her family.  My family is my priority, specifically my kids.  What this means is that there will be less time for A and D in advance.  I’ll make more space in my life for hubby, even if he doesn’t want it.  I’ll spontaneously invite A and D over when I know hubby is going to be away when the kids are in bed.  But there will be far less going out and a lot more staying in.  And I’m so very happy with my choice. I just wish I could go back and smack me about three months ago, so I could have saved all of us this pain.  

Advertisements

The agony of relationship destruction

Today I need to write about the agony part of my life.  Things are amazing with both A and D.  More on that when I have got the rest off my chest.  

Hubby and I are in a bad way.  I’m honestly not sure if our relationship will survive.  This is heartbreaking to me, not what I want, but we have been arguing all the time.  I don’t know what to do to change the path we are on.

A few weeks ago, at the end of January, I thought we were in a good place.  But hubby came home after being away for about a week with his girlfriend and was overcome with negativity.  Angry and accusatory.  Nothing has been right since.  Every slightly stressful conversation is a fight.  He is super emotional and very sensitive.  It’s hard on me, because we just can’t be a couple, but are always the couple that is fighting.  

I’m on the other side of the world right now, for a week, for my grandmother’s funeral, alone, without kids or husband or boyfriends, in a place where I once lived, so a sad event is actually a relaxing vacation for me, where I get to reconnect with amazing friends and family that I love. The people who were the family we chose when we lived here.  It’s amazing what the distance and time alone without life’s responsibilities does for our ability to reflect on our own feelings and our actions and our loved one’s actions too.

I’ve been very focused on the things hubby has been doing wrong.  How hurt I have been by his actions.  I don’t think my analyses of his behaviour are incorrect, but I think I need to stop focusing on his decisions and actions and focus on mine.  Take responsibility and fix my shit.

For my part, I have been a judgy Macjudgerson about his girlfriend.  Now, I don’t think it’s entirely unearned, but it doesn’t serve the purpose of helping my marriage.  As I make my way back to our home, I realize now that I need to take care of me. I’ve booked an individual counselling meeting this next week.  I need coping strategies. No matter what happens, whether he decides to leave or we decide to fight for our life, it’s going to be hard. I need someone who isn’t in the situation on my team.  Someone to help me cope and learn and communicate.  

I’m in a good place right now.  I’m recharged and reenergized and hopeful.  But hubby is not.  He’s angry and bitter and blaming me.  Some of that blame I’ve earned. Much I haven’t.  I’m going to try to hold on to my hope while I help him navigate his anger.  It’s going to be a challenge.  A challenge worth taking on.

Wish me luck.

Loving life

Some of my good friends started a polyamory group on Facebook that is secret and to be added you need to come to a pub night.  Several weeks ago the first pub night occurred. It was fantastic. There were about 30 people there and I met a few new people and got to chat with some old friends too. I drank a fair bit.  

During the day preceding the pub night, I spent quite a bit of energy convincing A that he should join me for the pub night.  It was a fun and teasing dialogue full of innuendo, full of laughter and lightness.  It was great.  I succeeded in my mission, in part.  A picked me up at the pub night and drove me home.  Our babysitter and her son were sleeping in our spare bedroom, the room I normally use when “entertaining” my man friends.  So, we headed to the master bedroom instead.  At some point during our rather enthusiastic time in bed, I reached up to brace myself on the headboard and heard a crack.  When I woke up in the morning, I discovered this:

20170127_061840

So, laughing, I sent A a picture of the bed and then sent it to hubby with the caption: “So, I may have broken the bed last night!”

 

Hubby: “Well, that’s intimidating! Is A OK? Do I need to help you bury a body?

 

Me: “Bahahahahaha! He’s fine.”

 

Hubby: “Tell him good work!”

 

Naturally, I took screen shots of this conversation and sent them to A.  I also sent it to some of my friends.  Of course, A shared the story with his wife and several of his friends.  Why wouldn’t he?  Why wouldn’t I?  Every guy wants to tell a story of breaking a girl’s bed.  Even better when her husband laughs it off and congratulates him.

 

So, yesterday evening, I picked up my kids and came home to hubby’s girlfriend (who now has her own key to our house) and her kids here.  She was going to watch my kids before hubby came home so that I could go out early with my girlfriends.  So, before I left, hubby’s girlfriend and I dismantled my irreparably broken bed so that it wouldn’t collapse in the night on me, since hubby was going to sleep in our spare bed with his girlfriend. So, I broke hubby and my bed with my partner, and then hubby’s partner helped me take it apart.  My life is amazing.

 

So, off to dinner with my three favourite girlfriends.  In the meantime, A and D are out together with their wives at a Robbie Burns event at a local pub.  A’s wife and D’s wife are best friends.  This could be complicated, but it’s not.  As the night progresses, I get a picture from a number that I haven’t seen before.  It’s of A and D and hilarious.  I realize that the only person it could come from was A’s wife, so I respond with a “Hi!  Having fun?”, and a hilarious exchange occurs. In the meantime, A is message me, as is D.  A and his wife are both trying to convince me to join them.  I was really reluctant to join them all, because I had never met A’s wife, and she had a rather surreal image in my mind, after all I’d heard about her from A, D, and D’s wife.  I said “Maybe I’ll come, we’ll see.” to A, and he responded with one word: “Coward!”  My next response was “I’ll be there in 5 minutes!”.  

 

A asked me not to tell D I was coming.  Of course, I didn’t, but I was slightly worried he’d be upset that I was crashing their night.  As usual with D, those concerns were unfounded.  I walked into a full bar and found D immediately, which is generally easy, as he sticks out in a crowd.  His back was turned to me, so I tapped him on the shoulder.  He turned around and the look on his face made it worth coming.  I could see the thoughts pass through his mind about what the protocol was, and then the decision to hug me and kiss me and say “Hi” and “I’m glad you’re here.”  He immediately pointed me out to his wife, who gave me a giant hug and screamed my name.  Then immediately A’s wife spotted me and gave me a hug and said she was happy to see me and glad I came.  So, I made my way to A, who gave me a hug.  While D is very open about our relationship, A is not out, so just a hug.  Then a hilarious exchange between A and D, where D called A a “Fucker” and they laughed.  D kept saying his mind was blown.  It was hilarious.

 

As the night went on, there was much alcohol, some haggis, whiskey, and lots of laughter.  I got pictures of me with my metamours and pictures with both my boys.  It was amazing. The conversations were the best.  Here is a summary of the ones I can think of right now, because it would take me too long to type out the entire night on a timeline.

 

Chatting away with A and one of his friends, who I’ll call “S” (because if my dates get to S, I’ll be very surprised).  Somehow, S figures out who I am, being one of the few friends who know A is polyamorous.  The look on his face is priceless.  He says, “So it’s your bed that A broke?”  

 

Me: “Well, A and I broke it, yes.  And then my husband’s girlfriend helped me disassemble it and move it out of the house today, so I don’t collapse into in my sleep tonight.  

 

S: “That’s crazy, how does this work?  How do I get to do this?”

 

Me and A in unison: “Talk to your wife.”

 

Later in the evening, I caught S talking to another one of A’s friends about me and just smiled and waved my finger at him.

 

At some point, I’m standing with A and D comes over.  We are laughing and joking and D brings up my broken bed:

 

“So, you broke her bed last night?”

 

A (laughing): “Sure did”

 

D: “Which bed was it?  The upstairs one?” (A nods)  “Oh, well I don’t care about the upstairs bed, just the downstairs one.”

 

A and his wife went home earlier than the rest of us.  I decided to crash on the couch at D’s place, so I didn’t have to make my way as far home.  When D cleared it with his wife, she just said “Fuck that, she can have the bed, I’ll sleep downstairs!”  I asked her several times if it she was sure, and she insisted.  So, we all got our Uber home. We were talking to another couple there who were confused as to why I was going to their house.  They live closer to me and were offering to drop me off.  Then D’s wife says “Look, this is how it is.  I’m D’s wife. This is D’s girlfriend. She’s coming home with us.  I’m going to sleep on the couch, she’s going to sleep with him in bed.”  Their eyes popped out of their head, but they did recover quickly.  In the end, they just said “cool”!  And left it at that.

 

D and I ended up drunken chatting until early hours of the morning.  It was amazing.  In the morning, we all got up and made our way out for brunch. Then D took me home and our lovely poly night was over.  

 

My life with A and D is amazing.  More on this soon.  I started writing this post three weeks ago, it’s taken me this long to get here!

All the things!

There are so many things I haven’t written about from the past weeks.  Hence the title.  Let’s see where I should start and where I’ll take it. There might be some repeats, because I don’t feel like going back and reading what I wrote previously.

I’ve concluded that what I was feeling with hubby and his girlfriend was jealousy and have been working on solving things. It’s been going well and things are improving day by day.

___________________________________________

Between Christmas and New Year’s, I went on a date with a guy I met on OKCupid.  I guess that makes him “E”.  We played darts and drank beer and joked around.  There was this hilarious incident where an old Scottish man desperately wanted to play darts and interrupted our date to challenge E to a game of darts. I laughed hilariously at the cock block.  Truthfully, it was quite clear early on that there would be no second date.  This sounds horrible, but I wasn’t physically attracted to him. This wouldn’t have been a big deal if he had a stellar personality, but there were so many red flags that they came with fireworks shooting out the top.  He made a lot of inappropriate sexual jokes.  The worst was when he hit on the waitress and she was clearly very uncomfortable.  But the deal breaker was the fact that he has a monogamous girlfriend, who didn’t know he was on a date with me.  And that is pretty much all that there is to say about that.

Oh! Except when I told D about it, he just said “have fun”.  Which makes him the most amazing boyfriend ever.  Not far into the date, I discovered that D’s wife had gone on a date with E a year ago.  She and I have chatted about E and had a good laugh at all the things that were wrong.  I’ve discussed with her that I may just ask her if she’s gone on a date with a certain guy before I go out, because she seems to have the insider information!

____________________________________________

So, A and I became friends.  Then there was this day that I invited him over to our place for wine.  And then we drank three bottles of wine and ended up naked and fucking.  So, I guess I will write another blog post about him.  We flirted and drank wine and joked on my couch for five hours.  We talked about all the things.  Sex, relationships, feelings. And somewhere along the way, it became quite clear that I had gone from “It’s never going to happen” to “I want it to happen”.  It also became clear that he wanted it, but I had to make the first move.  I remember having an internal battle about what to do, and finally decided to make the move.  He’s a great kisser.  I think I asked him at least 10 times if he was sure.  If he really wanted to level up.  He said yes.  We had sex.  And had sex again. And again.  And it was great.

I had to tell hubby.  It was hard for him, because it was unexpected.  And then I had to tell D.  A’s wife is D’s wife’s best friends, which could complicate things.  And of course, D said “Sounds like you had fun!” and then let me have a nap in his bed.  Because he’s the best boyfriend ever.

During the next week, A and I texted a lot, and at some point, I realized he had not said that what happened was a mistake or something he didn’t want again.  So I invited him over again.  The night before, I texted something about fucking again and I was good with it happening and he was happy with my bluntness.

At some point, I realized the day of our date, that I hadn’t actually talked to D about it.  So I sent a message to him telling him that A was coming over and it was likely to end the way it had before and apologized for not telling him earlier.  His response was perfection.

“Hahaha! I already know.  A’s wife is here.”  

“No worries love, have fun.”

And, in the cherry on the proverbial cake:

“A’s wife is on her way home, so if A is waiting before leaving, he should be on his way soon. ;)”

My response?

“Hahaha.  You really are the best boyfriend a girl could ask for.”

So, A and I fucked again.  And honestly, it was really damn good sex.  So, we’re fucking.  The rest is labelless.  Are we FWB?  Probably.  Are we dating? Maybe, but probably not.  Are we a couple? Nope.  At this point, we aren’t escalating, we’re fucking, and when we’re not fucking, we’re friends. We have fun together and great conversations.  And we are both aware that we may need to have conversations if all or any of the feelings develop.  I’m actually a little worried that the feelings might develop, either on my part, or on his part, but that’s a silly thing to worry about at this point.  We can cross any of those bridges as they arise.  In the meantime, he rings my bell, I ring his, and we have a fun and comfortable connection.  We’ll just let it develop and evolve naturally.  And what happens, happens.

________________________________________

So, D’s wife and A’s wife are best friends.  They are all going out next friday.  This morning, as I was eating breakfast, I realized that D and A are metamours, and D’s wife and A’s wife are my metamours. And then I laughed. And laughed. And laughed.

A’s wife wants to meet me over wine so I can give her the dirt on the comparison between D and A.  So not going to happen. But I love her sense of humour about it all.

________________________________________

I’ve got a major crush on a guy from OKCupid, who I’m going to call G. I’m calling him G, because he can’t be “F”.  He has to be bigger than that, meaning that I have a huge connection with him.  By huge, I mean equivalent to the connection I had with D before our first date.  I really want to meet him and see if it’s there in person, but a bad case of influenza had him out for a couple weeks and now he’s playing catch up. (I just realized how implausible that sounds.  Maybe I’m being played?  I guess it’s possible, but I prefer to think the good things of people).  I guess we’ll see.  My dance card is happily full right now, so I’m just not going to stress it. But I’ll be sad if I don’t get to at least go on one date with him.

_________________________________________

This week has been tough on me.  My grandma got very sick this last month and has been in and out of hospital and died yesterday.  She was in her 90s, so it’s not surprising, but it’s sad anyway.  Hubby has been amazing.  He cuddled me and made me feel loved and protected on Wednesday night.  He came by work on Thursday just to give me a hug, right at a time when I was about to break down at work.  He offered to stay home with me on Thursday if I needed him to instead of going out with his girlfriend.  This was amazing and because he offered, I felt loved and supported and didn’t need him to.  Then yesterday, after she died, he offered to come home from work to just to hang out with me if I needed him. He did again tonight.  All of that has been amazing.  I feel so loved and protected and supported by him right now.  Just because he offered.  Because he cared.  Because he cares.

D has also been amazing.  From the amazing cuddles I got Wednesday night to the amazing distraction he provided last night to the awesome hugs and love and just checking in I’ve got the last few days.

Even A has been checking in and making sure I’m OK.  And then there are all the people who care about me who aren’t my partners.  I guess the biggest thing that came out of this is that there is a long list of people who care about me and my well being.  I’m a very lucky girl.

I guess that’s it for now.  My life is crazy.  Weird.  Crazy, weird, and awesome.  So. Fucking. Awesome.

On jealousy

In recent weeks, jealousy has been a big topic in our house.  Hubby and I have just talked through the worst fight of our life (at least I’m hoping it’s finally over!).  During the fight, many issues came up, including a lot of issues I have with his girlfriend.  Now, I’ve alluded to these a few times, but I’m not going to sewer his girlfriend on a blog many of our mutual friends know about.  Truthfully, I don’t like the way she’s behaved in a few situations, but I suspect she feels the same way about me.  I really want to have a good relationship with my metamours, but this one is going to take time and patience that I honestly don’t have at my disposal right now.

Among the many issues I have is that I feel deprioritized.  Hubby throws a week back in November in my face all the time, the one after our huge blowup, where I booked things every night he was home and left the house.  He has since had much more time with his girlfriend than I have with D, but I don’t really think comparing time together is a healthy thing to do.  It just gets detail oriented and knit picky and causes so much pain.  However, after he took off to his girlfriend’s house on our date night on December 23 and after the blow up we had last week where he threatened to divorce me if she broke up with him, I was feeling like he didn’t value me at all.

In the course of conversations about what I needed him to do to fix this and what I should do in return, he kept telling me I was jealous of his girlfriend.  I kept responding that I’m not jealous, just feeling deprioritized.  So, he thinks any negative feelings are jealousy.  But I always thought jealousy was specific for the intimate feelings and sexual connection they have.

So this got me thinking about what the real definition of jealousy actually is.

So, I went to Wikipedia, because peer-reviewed scientific article are not necessary for a blog post!

Wikipedia defines jealousy as:

Jealousy is an emotion, and the word typically refers to the thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, concern, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of status or something of great personal value, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and disgust.”

Now, I’m still not completely convinced that this is what I am feeling.  I’m not upset that he’s spending time with her.  I’m upset that he’s not spending time with me.  Am I splitting straws?  Maybe.  But more than anything, I feel abandoned by someone who I’ve spent the last 14 years of my life with.  Not in time as much as in connection.  That’s a product of six weeks of arguing every time we are together.  I don’t think it’s “an anticipated loss of status” – I know I’m his wife.  I know I’m the mother of his children.  I know we are financially and legally linked to each other.  I don’t have a need to be loved the most or anything like that.  Maybe the “loss of human connection” is the fear?  Then I guess it could be jealousy.  It’s just a different kind of jealousy than I am accustomed to.

Today I sent a message to D’s wife to tell her how much I appreciate her for making it easy to date D.  She thanked me for being an awesome girlfriend to him and expressed how happy she is that he’s happy.  Compersion:  The opposite of jealousy, and in this case, D’s wife displays it perfectly.  I’m so lucky to have them both in my life.

Am I jealous?  Only if I can have compersion and jealousy at the same time.  I’m happy hubby is happy.  I think he’s cute when I watch him interact with her.  I think he’s annoying as fuck when he’s not around her, because he wants to be with her.  But I’m happy for him still.  So jealous that I don’t get my time, but happy for them.  Sure.

I’m not sure I really understand if I can label how I feel as jealousy, but I know it’s a negative emotion that I dislike and look forward to it being gone.

Honesty and Transparency

C and I had a lot of conversations about relationships, largely abstract, including the previous post on saying “I love you” and expressing love. One of the things we discussed was honesty and transparency in relationships.  I’m a very open person.  I pretty much put myself out there as I am to people.  I don’t really have many secrets and I’m a terrible liar.  So, honesty has always been my go-to.  When hubby and I embarked on our adventure with polyamory, we agreed on two rules:

  1. Safer sex: barriers for penetration
  2. Honesty and Transparency

Turns out that honesty and transparency mean different things to different people.  For C, his style is more “don’t ask, don’t tell”.  His girlfriends know about each other, he knows about hubby and his girlfriend, but they don’t give details.  I was the one who let out important developments in their relationship to C and this is part of the reason he broke up with me (it was the joke I made when he told me that he and I had to stop talking so much because he was concerned about how our friendship effected hubby and his girlfriend).  In the process of our discussions he suggested I should write a blog post about what my views on honesty and transparency are.

For me, what is important is not the details, but intention behind the honesty.  I want to know about hubby’s dates, that he talking to new women, and how it’s going.  I want to hear about things so that I can support him and enjoy the whole process with him.  I get excited about his progress and the new developments in his love life.  I tell him about the details of my dates before I go.  It’s more of a safety thing, as anyone can say anything and pretend to be anyone in online dating.  He gets the name and number of my date, as well as the details of where we are going.  I check in with him every hour to two hours during the evening as well.  I tell him the details of how the date went when I get home.  I tell him my feelings about the guys I’m with.  He knew I was going to be intimate with D before it happened.  I tell him immediately after I’ve been intimate with someone for the first time.  I tell him when I’m talking to new men and when they’ve asked me out on a date.  We ask each other how things are going and I volunteer information, but ask him if he’s OK with hearing it.  I’d love to hear more details about his relationship, but his girlfriend is very private and doesn’t want any information transfer, so I just hear the things I need to keep the transparency I need.

I don’t think that leaving important information out is acceptable.  For example, if my partner had an exclusively online relationship with people, I would expect to hear about it.  To know what was happening.  If it’s an online sexual relationship, that’s even more important.  I told hubby when my relationship with X had reached a sexual level, even though it was long distance and over Skype.  I think any omission of information borders on cheating.  I also think that X lied by omission about the development of our sexual relationship and that was the catalyst that destroyed our relationship

I like to know what hubby is doing with his girlfriend. If they go out on a date and stay in a hotel overnight, I like to know where and how long they’ll be gone. I tell him when I’m going out on a date.  I tell him when I’m spending the night or if D is coming over while he’s at work.  I tell him when I meet D for lunch or go and see him just to give him a kiss at work.

What’s important to me is that I know before things happen.  I don’t like the idea that he could go out for a date and I not know about it until afterwards.  It’s about volunteering information, not waiting until someone asks for it.  It’s about respecting and honouring the relationship we have.

With D, I tell him when I have a date.  He knows I talk to other men and it doesn’t bother him. I  tell him some of the details of my dates, but he doesn’t seem to be bothered by any of it.  He knows I love him. He knows that if I develop a relationship with someone new, that it is because it’s an exceptional relationship, because I don’t want to sacrifice my time with him or hubby for someone who isn’t worth it.  Recently, I slept with someone new for the first time.  I told D and he said “sounds like you had fun”.  Hubby was a little more reactive to the news, but I think he dealt with it well.

So, I wrote the first draft of this post last week.  In the meantime, a horrible, horrible, horrible game of telephone led to some pretty awful things being said about me.  It highlighted that there is a huge difference in the way hubby’s girlfriend communicates and the way I communicate.  What this means is that because she is so private and concerned about information transfer, hubby and I can’t be as transparent and honest with each other as we’ve always been.  This means that the person hubby has brought into our lives has fundamentally changed the way we communicate with each other.  This is a huge realization for me.  It’s something that I didn’t foresee and now that it happened, I don’t understand how I didn’t realize it.  Hubby is required, by his girlfriend, to not talk to me about things he would normally come directly to me with.  We have secrets now.  Or he has secrets.  I’m still open and honest.  This makes me very sad and it’s going to take me some time to deal with the loss.

Honesty and transparency is a great rule.  Until someone who doesn’t want to be part of the chain of honesty modifies it to mean something it was never limited to before. So what I cherish about honesty and transparency means something different to other people. Sometimes those other people will change the way you think about honesty and transparency too.

Polyamory is….

Polyamory is: Going on a first date and finding out that the guy went on a date with your boyfriend’s wife a year ago and that he used to date the wife of another man that you’ve been chatting with on OkCupid.

Polyagony is: Your husband prioritizing his girlfriend over you on your date day.

Polyamory is: texting with your boyfriend while he’s smoking a cigar, naked, on the balcony off his hotel room at a swinger’s club in Mexico with his wife after having been at a pimps and playboy bunnies party where he had a threesome.

Polyagony is:  Missing that boyfriend so much that it hurts at times when he’s only been gone for two weeks, but not being jealous of his sexual exploits.

Polyamory is: Going to hang out with your boyfriend’s wife and her new partner for a while before a date and joking about who gets the first kiss.

Polyagony is:  Your ex-boyfriend’s wife being horrifically angry and jealous of you and turning it into a huge fight with said ex-boyfriend and him being miserable because of it.

Polyamory is: Telling your boyfriend you have a first date, and his response is: “Have fun!!!”

Polyagony is:  Going on said first date and thinking about your boyfriend the whole time and how none of this date is anything like the first date with your boyfriend and how you wish you were out with him instead.

Polyamory is:  Going to IKEA on the most romantic date you’ve ever had to buy sheets and pillows to have at your boyfriend’s house when you sleep over.

Polyagony is: Breaking up with you first poly partner because he can’t give you what you need in a relationship because of his relationship with a monogamous woman.

Polyamory is:  Opening up your OKCupid account to reread the first messages with your boyfriend and staying on and having conversations with many men when you aren’t really looking for something new.

Polyamory is: New experiences, authentic living, accepting one’s self, opening your mind, fulfilling so many dreams and living life fully.  It is everything I could have ever imagined.  Including the pain.  Because it’s real and shows that I’m living my life how I want and need to live it.

Polyagony is a part of Polyamory and getting out the other side makes polyamory that much better.