Perfectly happy

In the past 2 weeks, I’ve completely fallen for O.  Thankfully, he’s also fallen for me. We mock ourselves for falling hard and fast, but neither of us is interested in stepping off or even slowing down our runaway train.  It’s just right.  Everything about it.  The last couple of nights, I slept at his house. We got a lot of time to chat and laugh and connect and lots of intimate time too.  This morning when I arrived at work, after he dropped me off that is, because I shut off my alarm and sort of….um… side-tracked before getting out of bed and getting ready for my day until it

was way too late for me to make it to work via public transit, I sat in my office sort of reentering into reality after the last few wonderful days.  Reentry wasn’t difficult or painful or anything negative. It was wonderful. Lost in the feeling of something so amazing coming blasting into my life in such a powerful way.  Reminding myself of the things I have to get done in the next few weeks at my job and how little stress I feel about them.  Reflecting on the powerful nature of the last few weeks and how truly happy and fulfilled I am.  In my true fashion, I had to message O and just express exactly how I feel.  This is what I said:

“I’ve spent the bulk of the morning distracted, thinking about how amazing the last few days were.  I know I’ve said it over and over and over, but I love what we have.  The intensity of our connection, the comfort of our touch, the hotness of our intimacy, and the laughter and learning in all of our conversations.  I love that we can be honest without judgement, support each other without having to be asked, and that we fall into each other and fit together so perfectly.  Everything about us, the acceptance, love, and connection, well, it’s just RIGHT.  Thank you for coming charging into my life, stealing my heart and turning my world upside down.  I wouldn’t trade these last 2 weeks for the world.  I love you.”

I really can’t put how I feel any more succinctly.  I’m just completely happy.


Things with A are also perfect. The walls he had up that kept me at a distance are gone.  There’s a connection between us that has just strengthened more and more in the last few months.  It’s exactly what I suspected was there all along, but I love the feeling of reciprocation of my feelings for him.  I love what we have and truthfully, I loved it before too. I would have continued the way we were, but now that I have that extra deep loving connection, I’m so secure in our relationship that it’s hard to imagine I ever questioned it.  

Yesterday, we went out for drinks, were just chatting away at one of our favourite pubs, and a couple of his friends were there.  One came over and said “Hi”, but was extremely awkward.  He is one of the many that know about me, but I suspect he may be a little uncomfortable with our relationship structure.  The other friend left, so A sent him a teasing text about walking past us, and he returned and had a couple drinks with us.  It was the first time that our relationship overlapped with the rest of A’s life with any substance.  It was completely normal.  His friend didn’t treat me strangely, made an effort to engage me in conversation, and was generally very pleasant.  Of course I said a few things that made his eyes bulge, but that’s kind of a thing I do with most people.  It was so nice, just a further breaking down of the walls that were there before, figuratively speaking anyway.

A dropped me back off at work and as I kissed him goodbye and breathed him in, he said exactly what I was thinking.  He said: “I love the way you smell, it’s such a comfort zone for me now.”  I laughed, kissed him, told him I loved him and jumped out of his truck.  

He’s going through more stress than anyone should ever face, let alone all at the same time.  Yet his attitude is amazing.  He is so strong.  What all this means to me, is that I am in a place where I can be a comfort to him. Support him.  Be (one) soft place to fall.  I appreciate this role more than I can say, since he was that place for me this whole last year.  That sometimes that comfort comes with the response to the way I smell when I kiss him?  Perfect.



I keep starting a version of this post and either falling asleep or getting distracted with one of my million other priorities.  The thing is, life is so good, that it’s kind of difficult to write about.  It kind of seems like “Here’s my charmed life and it’s awesomeness, care if I rub your nose in it right now?”  But then I got thinking today, thanks to Facebook memories.

This coming Friday is one year since my first date with D.  He hasn’t shown up at the last couple events that we should have run into each other at, so either he has shit going on, or he’s avoiding me.  I guess it’s possible that I made it that awkward, but I like to think that I couldn’t have that big of an effect on him.  Realistically speaking, it doesn’t matter to me.  I’m so caught up in my relationships with A and O, that I haven’t thought about D at all apart from a “Huh, too bad he’s not here, he’s missing out”.  So when my Facebook memories popped up yesterday with a “Congratulations on one year of Friendship” video (yes, we were Facebook friends before we met in person), I was shocked to see him, and then shocked that I hadn’t thought about him in so long.  

When I was trying to pick a letter for O for this blog, I gave him a choice of letter, his first name starts with a “D”, so it makes sense that he would be D, but since it was taken, this wasn’t an option.  We settled on “O”, and that was it. Truthfully, D has come to mean more than the name I referred to D as in my blog.  When I first asked F for a trial separation, D sent me this song:

I love this song.  The Dickhead theme kept me going through some of the harder days of my breakup with F.  It’s why D sent it to me.  Something to make me laugh about all the crazy stupidity that was going on in my personal life.  There were days when I listened to it on repeat.  I may have once turned it on full volume when F was talking to me about something and treating me inappropriately. I left it in my YouTube playlist and it continued to come up from time to time.  Now, the song no longer makes me think of F, although “Dickhead” can be a very good name to sum up who he is.  But every time it comes on, it reminds me of D.  It turns out that D no longer is as simple as a letter to maintain anonymity.  I guess it stopped being just that soon after I fell for him.  D, someone I was once Devoted to, someone I Desired, and someone I thought was part of my Destiny, turned out to be a Disappointment, a Deplorable communicator, and a DICKHEAD!  

It’s childish. It’s funny.  It’s apt.  It’s true.


Deep love and a game changer

My world has turned upside down in the most wonderful way.  Everything is fabulous.  Everything.  The last week with A has been great.  We’ve had several good chats and the shift in him – the removal of walls, the calm acceptance, and commitment of love that we’ve experienced in the last weeks – seems to be planning on sticking around.  I’ve known for a long time how he felt about me, but hearing those three words, and then more over the last week has me smiling at my phone like a twitterpated fool on a semi-regular basis because of him.  Yesterday though, he had my heart exploding with love for him.  I was simply being a supportive girlfriend as he processed some stress in his life, a role I love filling, as he is so rarely in need of my support, where I feel I’ve been leaning on him a lot, especially in the last six months. Yesterday, I got a few messages, and they all amounted to this:

I am thankful for you.  I absolutely 100% am glad I rejected you. You have been an amazing partner and helped me transform into someone I never expected or anticipated. I love you! You are pretty amazing!  Totally the best girlfriend ever…

These came with my responses in between, but the words are his.  I honestly didn’t think I could love him more.  I knew in my heart how I felt about him. He knew how I felt about him because I’m not shy about who I am and what I want and how I feel.  I suspected how he felt about me, because his actions spoke loudly, even if he was mute for words.  Hearing him say it? Reading those words?  I’m a twitterpated teenager in love, my heart bursting and just wanting to giggle and kiss him and hold him to me.  I’m so incredibly thankful that I took his offer of friendship and crossed the couch last January.

Speaking of twitterpated teenager in love, that’s a general theme in my life lately.  The intensity with A is there, still very strong 10 months in, but the fact is that O has taken my life by storm and the twitterpated teenager in me can’t get enough of him.  I’ve fallen for him.  Hard and fast and fearfully. It’s wonderful and a bit terrifying.  

He’s a game changer.  Three weeks ago, I was saying that I was going to be solo-poly forever, that I had no desire to ever commit to a nesting partner again, that I doubted I’d ever be out in the open with any of my relationships again.  The last few days, O and I have talked about how we have limitless potential. I’ve been pretty honest about how I’m feeling with him.  That I’m extremely excited about him, I’ve thought about the potential our relationship has, and that it kind of scares the shit out of me.  I’m not entirely comfortable when I’m not in control, and my emotions for him are a bit of a runaway train.  That being said, I want to grip onto this train and hold tight, because he feels the exact same way.  We can hold on together and to each other, and I have every reason to believe that we can do this together successfully.  I remember reading about game changers when I read “More than Two”, and kind of rolling my eyes.  “Not me, I’m so in control of my emotions and my life choices.”  Well, I’m still in control of those things, but in a way where things I didn’t expect I’d want are some of the choices I may be willing to consider in the future.  I’m pragmatic though. I understand that we are so very new, despite falling fast. That there are unknowns that are coming, including his other partner(s), and how their relationships will develop.  So for now, just knowing how I feel, and that the potential exists there and we are both interested in pursuing where ever it is that we are going is enough.

Falling in love? Amazing.  Falling in love with someone who feels the same way about you?  Incredible.  Falling in love while being honest with others and true to yourself?  Perfection.

Freedom and love: G gives me perspective

Life is still incredibly amazing. I’ve made so many good decisions for myself in recent months, and my happiness is the reward for each individual success.  Tonight, G came over for dinner.  She is so great at communication that she came over a few weeks ago to ask for a little more time and connection with me.  Instead of doing things, she needed to connect – have substantial conversations and just be with me.  There are few things in this world that I appreciate more than people I love who communicate well, and this is true in this case also.  It’s so easy to give the people you love what they need when they ask you for exactly what that thing is.  Well, this evening was full of connection.  We cuddled and chatted and had supper and just laughed and talked and, well, were.  We just were.

So much happened in my life in the last week that there was a lot to catch her up on. With O, who has taken my life by storm and with A, who has been a bit of a storm of his own this week.  Talking about her world and its developments and a healthy dose of sex talk and sex toy conversations. It was wonderful!

Among the things that came up was how she never asks for help from others.  That several of the people in life are rarely aware that she is struggling until she fills them in later after she’s done processing. That is so familiar to me.  In fact, it sort of hit home when she said that, because she was the only person for months who knew that I was still hurting about D. That when I saw him it was like getting hit in the chest with a bazooka (no, this has not actually happened to me, it’s what I imagine getting hit in the chest with a bazooka would feel like).  I mentioned that to her and we talked through a few points to do with him.

Specifically, I realized that while I had been honest with myself when I saw him about still loving him, I had only been honest with G about what I was still feeling.  Even then I wasn’t completely clear with her.  Then a few things happened.  It was pointed out to me in conversation with someone who has never said a bad thing about D before that he is a total asshole.  I immediately proceeded to defend him and was stopped.  Simply put, he said: “Anyone who did to you what he did, in the way he did it, is an asshole.  There’s nothing to discuss there.”  This truth hit me hard.  It also happened only a few days after I had drunk texted D.  Now, my drunk text wasn’t particularly bad.  I wasn’t proclaiming everlasting love or pining for him.  I was just thinking about him and reached out.  I was drunk, so it wasn’t the most coherent ending, and the next morning, I apologized, said my train of thought clearly derailed and exploded, and explained that I wanted nothing from him but would like to be friends.  It was kind, apologetic, and I was a little vulnerable in it all.  He never responded.  

It’s funny to me that this seemingly small, insignificant event, one that I laughed off nearly immediately, was the final nail in the coffin of my affection for D.  In the end, I realized how little compassion and understanding he truly feels for others.  I realized how selfish and uncommunicative he was.  How he didn’t respect me enough to just say “hey, no thanks” to an offer of meeting for lunch.  

I was explaining all this to G today, and I said: “I could forgive him for dumping me the way he did.”  For not communicating when I had questions or offering an explanation or honouring what we shared.  But when he showed so little compassion for me when I asked directly for a response, I couldn’t hide behind the excuse that it was a one time thing.  All that time I spent thinking he was true to himself and did what he felt he needed to do to be happy meant I didn’t realize that he actually is just an uncompassionate, selfish, broken person.  This isn’t easy for me to write.  I write it, and despite months of  being apart, my go-to is to defend him. To focus on those amazing times before he broke up with me.  To forget that he hurt me worse than any man ever has.  

But G said several somethings tonight that hit me right where I needed to be smacked.  The first thing she said was that she couldn’t believe I could forgive him, because she hadn’t.  She said she is still every bit as angry at him as she was on day one because the way he acted was inappropriate and he hurt someone she loved.  She said she is pretty sure it was my divorce that was too much for him, which was too bad.  I said that the unfortunate part is that if he had just hung out and waited it out, only a couple months later, I was, by far, the best version of me I had ever been.  I pointed out that the people who waded through that dark time with me were now the people who were receiving the best version of me they possibly could.  That I am the best me in every part of my life now.  That people like A stuck it out and supported me and were everything I needed them to be.  He was exactly what I needed him to be on so many nights where I was done with everything in my world and I needed him to make me forget it all.  I remember saying to him that I needed to not talk about my hurt or anger, that I needed him to overwhelm me with sensation and make me forget anything and everything but what was going on in the moment.  I remember saying a version of that for weeks (months?) in a row.  I know that he never once failed to do so.  He helped me forget.  He helped me numb myself.  He helped me heal.  He helped me become the me I am now.  Not because he supported me (which he did) or that he put up with my crazy (which he did), but because he LET me hurt and be and process and ask for what I needed and take charge and just held on for the ride. He didn’t demand anything of me and never tried to save me and he was exactly what I needed him to be because he let me be the strong independent person I am and the weak person who needed to heal at the same time.

What she said, that hit me like a ton of bricks straight to the head, was: “Did it occur to you that what you got was the best version of D, and that he wasn’t good enough for you?”  Wait!!! What???  The idea that the best version of him wasn’t the wonderful times, but the man who broke up with me via email with no reason and then cut off all communication with me wasn’t what I was expecting, but when it hit, it hit hard and stuck there.  She’s absolutely right.  

As my best friend, soul sister, and a person I love unconditionally, G has my heart in her hands. She knows me well, she loves me deeply, and she isn’t scared to verbalize the hard truths.  Today, she said something that threw me for a loop.  She said that the people in my world who love me and attach to me thrive off my love of life, my energy, and my enthusiasm. That when I am down, or going through a dark period, like this summer after D dumped me, and I had to process all the hurt of the previous six months,  they can’t feed off my energy, and it’s hard for them. Some people, who want and can give that love and energy back to me when I’m not able to give myself, stick by me, support me, and love me.  Others, who just want to take, well, they leave, killing off a bit of that part of me that gives.  Fortunately, that giving part of me regenerates once I evict those people from my heart.  I’ve just completed that regeneration.  It’s amazingly liberating.  When I talked to A about this the other day, he made the point that I’m finally at that point where I can love in a way that isn’t limited due to hurt.  That I’m free again.  I think my NRE with O is a true expression of that new-found freedom and space in my heart, freed by my finally letting go of D. Freedom and love: basic human rights, at least in my world.

Finally….er….I mean…good things come to those who wait

In the last month or so, something has shifted in my relationship with A.  I’ve sensed it for a while.  There’s a difference in how we interact. The comfort and the depth of our interactions seems to have changed.  I suspect this started with the threesome, as strange as it is.  I think that the shared experience, the trust, the connection, and support that came out of that experience broke down another layer of his extensive walls.  I have no doubt that last weekend away together helped too, but even before then, I sensed it in the way he looked at me and touched me that something had changed.  I mentioned it to him the other day and he said that I might be right, but was unsatisfied with my “I don’t know, it’s just different” response when he asked what had changed.

    A and U are dating.  I’ve been encouraging this for weeks, because the connection between them was obvious.  Seeing how U reacts to A made me really happy for him.  Honestly, now I’m full of compersion for him after I processed through all my feelings the other day.  A’s just so damn adorable.  I chatted with U about my feelings too.  I wanted her to know that A and I had talked and worked through things.  Keeping in mind that U is one of my best friends, she apologized and said she should have asked.  I just responded that they had done nothing wrong, had she asked me, I would have said “Yes” and nothing would have been different.  No one was more surprised than I was when I responded negatively to them hooking up. Although, admittedly, A was quite surprised too. Honestly, I’m kind of glad it happened the way it did.  It was a confirmation for me of the feelings I have for him, a reminder to me that logic and reason are really important, but sometimes it’s not simple to live that reason, no matter how much you want to, and it led to a feelings conversation with A that was so productive, simple, and understanding with commitment and caring throughout the whole thing.  Within that whole exchange, I got a sense that my love for A was being reflected back at me.  I think that it was the first time that I didn’t feel like there was an imbalance in our affection. In fact, now, reflecting on the whole thing, I think that is exactly it, and why it was so comforting.

    A and U had lunch on Friday, where they figured out their rough map for moving forward in their own dating relationship.  How potential group sex situations fit in there will be a play by ear thing, but I’m not really stressed about that.  What I love is seeing A full of NRE.  He smiles like a teenage boy when he talks about U.  He’s obviously happy to be able to fit her into his life in a way that works for both of them.  He’s really adorable actually, with his blushing and his dimples.  Together, we’re like a pair of teenagers who talk about our crushes excitedly.  Truthfully, his excitement and the incredible ability he has had to communicate his feelings this last week have only served to make me more attracted to him and more in love with him.  Ten months in and my feelings just get stronger.

    A’s wife is running potential dates past me and I’ve warned her off a guy or two.  We had a hilarious conversation about a super hot guy she’s talking to and how cute A is with how excited he is about U.  We had a hilarious conversation about me test driving a guy and reporting back to her and how we already share well, so it would work.  Honestly, I’m absolutely loving chatting to her more and getting to know her better.  For myself personally, I always feel better knowing my metamours.  It just makes everything easier.  It removes assumptions and improves communication. A has already expressed how much easier it is for him now that we are chatting more and it seems to be reflecting in her comfort with starting to date and A dating U too.

    On our last date, A and I updated each other on all the crazy events of our life.  He told me that U asked him straight out while they were at lunch if he loves me.  Here’s how that conversation went:

A: “So U asked me if I’m in love with you.”

Me:  “And how did you answer?”

A:  “Honestly!”

Me: “That’s not what I meant!  What did you answer?”

A: “The truth!”

Me: “You’re so fucking frustrating! What was your response?”

A: “I answered her honestly with the truth.”

Me:  “Asshole!”

This went on and on for several hours.  Through hot sex and cuddles after. He just diverted and had me frustrated and we laughed and laughed.  I called him about 7 or 8 other creative names and he just laughed at me.  Despite this, it was an amazing night.  More videos taken, lots of connection, and just what I wanted from him that night. The reality with all this love stuff is that I’ve known for some time that he loves me. He just likes to be a pain in the ass.  I can tell by the way he looks at me, by the way he touches me, and by the way he is committed to what we have.  All of that didn’t change the fact that I *really* wanted to hear him say the words.  It was never critical and would never have changed the way I feel, but saying “I love you” is as natural to me as breathing when I love someone and everyone wants to hear it said back.  

    I was happily satisfied with our date as I walked A to the door.  I kissed him and as usual put my arms around the back of his neck.  He reached through my arms, moving them out of the way, grabbed my head, looked me in the eyes, said “I love you” and kissed me.  It was perfect.  

    Between my NRE and that perfect moment, I was a bundle of happiness as I headed to bed.  I totally didn’t fall back on my bed, first sighing audibly, then giggling like a teenage girl.  No one can prove I did.

My fantastic life

I don’t even know where to start, except to say that life is fucking fantastic!!!  A couple days ago, I had the break up talk with L.  I was a bit nervous going in, not knowing how he would respond.  I just told him that with everything going on in his life and mine, neither of us could possibly get what we want out of our relationship.  He accepted it really well, we talked about it a bit, he shed a tear or two, and then we chatted for a couple hours.  Our break up ended with a not-at-all-chaste kiss.  It was fantastic, actually.  The realization that I finally have had relationships with people who are wonderful in their own right, but also that those relationships were successful, even though they ended, was reassuring.  Reassuring to me in the sense that my life choices are the correct ones for me, and although there are challenges, I’m overwhelmingly happy.

    Last weekend, I turned on OKCupid to take screenshots of profiles to warn A’s wife off of, so she didn’t waste her time with creepy or otherwise undatable men.  I, naturally, took the opportunity to see what was available to me!  I truly love reading the profiles.  It’s like window shopping, but with an interesting insight into what people will say about themselves as they promote themselves.  My OKC profile is loooonnnnggg.  At the end, I say under the “you should message me if” section, I say “If you find a grammar or spelling mistake, because that shit is uncool!”  Shortly after I turned my profile back on, I got a message from a very good looking man with great grammar, who managed to find a typo in my profile. A typo that has likely been there since I first wrote that sentence over a year. I *may* have some opinions about spelling and grammar.  I may also judge men by their lack thereof (Yes, I have cancelled dates with men who I was ambivalent about because their grammar pushed me over the edge) .  So, when I get a message from a man who catches a nearly imperceptible mistake, I know he’s a man worth talking to.  I couldn’t have been more correct!  It was obvious from the first couple of messages that I was going to want to date this man who will hereafter be referred to as “O”.

    O and I went on our first date to a coffee shop I hadn’t been to before.  The connection was obvious to each of us online and the day before we were talking about various expectations, and he said something about anticipating a kiss at the end of the date.  I, being the problem solver I am, said “Here’s an idea!  We can start the date with a kiss instead!”  I walked into the coffee shop, admittedly unusually nervous for me, and still didn’t know if I was actually going to start the date with a kiss or not. When I walked up the stairs to where he was seated, and I moved in to hug him, I just decided to go for it, because I already knew I wanted to.  What a way to start a date!  It was perfect.

    The date was spectacular.  We chatted and laughed and held hands and the connection was incredible.  I was thrilled when the friend I was supposed to meet later in the evening cancelled, so I could stay out with him.  Before the date was half over, we had two more dates planned.  I haven’t felt this type of connection since the beginning with D.  It’s entirely possible it’s stronger.  

    Apart from the fact that O is very easy on the eyes, he really is the full package.  He’s educated, but more importantly, he’s extremely intelligent.  He’s is so incredibly interesting to talk to.  He’s had a wealth of cool life experiences, he is clearly a critical thinker, and he is just captivating to listen to.  He’s confident and funny too.  I was telling A earlier in the week that I’d met a guy who was full of potential, I said: “He’s bald, has a beard (my type!), is educated, and has a Fetlife profile.”  A’s response?  “Wow! The trifecta.  Don’t fuck it up, you need another boyfriend.”

    A couple days later, I went to his house during the day for “wine”.  Neither of us were under any illusion that wine would be the focus, and I am happy to report that it wasn’t.  If the first time and the second time are any sign, we’re going to have a very fun sex life moving forward.  

    I’m consumed by NRE.  I feel like a teenage girl with a crush on the cutest guy in class.  Perhaps it’s lack of blood flow to my brain, but I’m completely dumb when I’m with him.  He has the weirdest effect on me, I just talk and talk.  Granted, I’m a talker at the best of times, but it’s a little embarrassing.  Fortunately, every indication is that he feels the same way, so we are extremely intelligent people struck dumb by each other.  It’s kind of awesome.

    We have another date today and another planned during the week.  I’m ridiculously excited and slightly overwhelmed by this development.  Nothing like ending two relationships and starting a new one in a matter of three days!  This is my fantastic life.

This week, so far.


I’m in this wonderful in between zone where I am not quite back to reality after my first weekend away with A.  We went away on a “romantic” weekend this weekend (romantic belongs in quotation marks, because no one would consider us romantic), leaving Friday night after work and return at supper time today.  It was wonderful.  There really isn’t a better word to describe it.   

The week leading up to us leaving was even more busy than A’s normally ridiculous weeks.  For me, it was easy and more difficult at the same time.  Both L and M cancelled their dates with me, so there were no late nights on dates.  I worked late every evening to get a little bit ahead so I didn’t have to do any work on the weekend, and could just relax. We got to our hotel, a four hour drive from home late on Friday night, and as we were having a drink and relaxing, A started feeling sick.  A snack and a bit of relaxing had him feeling better but drained and it became obvious to me that the thing he needed most was rest, so, despite working up to this evening all week with rules and teases, I kissed him goodnight and told him to get some sleep (I let him get some. Not lots, just some).  

I can’t really explain how nice it was to just relax.  To just BE with A.  No rushing, no schedule, nothing outside of us.  Which is funny, because so much of our conversation was about our lives outside of ‘us”.  We talked about our other partners a lot.  We talked about our lives, our relationship, navigating the new developments in our relationship and a potential relationship for A and U.  We talked about A’s wife starting to date and his feelings about that and my relationships with L and M and the doubts I’m having.  By far the most interesting conversation we had was when he stopped  me mid-sentence and said: “Stop.  Do you realize how weird our conversations are? I’m sitting here with my girlfriend on a weekend away, where we talk about my wife and your boyfriend, and here I am giving you advice about your relationship with your other boyfriend.”  It was funny, because until he pointed it out, it just seemed so normal!  

We drank, we ate, we had sex, we slept. We had the most wonderful steam shower and jet tub and heated tile floor in our hotel room.  I got to reach over and touch him in his sleep, to move over and cuddle up to him until I got too hot and we both attached to our respective edges of the bed.  We got to try some new fun things that we hadn’t before because we had a weekend to do so and he may have turned me into a human puddle more than once because I was so sexually satisfied (this is HUGE people, HUGE!  This almost never happens!!!).  It was comfortable and fun and nice.  I was encouraged that we got along so well and the conversation just flowed with lots of laughing and joking  and periods of quiet and easy decision making and so much connection.  


Now, a couple days into my week, I’m back to reality.  I’m in this wonderful place where I’m not totally aching for sex because I was actually so sore earlier in the week that the idea of someone touching me made me cringe a little knowing that somewhere would hurt.  Today, I’m less sore but still happy.  I guess that means he did good work, because two days later, I’m still satisfied. I definitely need to keep him around!

Yesterday, I had my girly eyelashes and hair appointment with one of my friends and G had one right after mine.  I needed some of G’s wonderful advice (the girl is a genius in all things, but most of all, in saying the things I need to hear, which are rarely the things I want to hear).  So I talked to her about my issues with L and M.  First, L: On Sunday on my way home, I texted to see if we were still getting together that evening.  I knew I was going to have to have a serious talk with him about expectations and had messaged him earlier in the week to ask him for the same.  When I messaged him, I got a response cancelling our date, with little explanation as to why, and in fact, a refusal to explain.  I was hurt.  I joked with A that the sound that came from my phone was a nail going into the coffin of my relationship. When I talked to G last night, she made the very coherent point that with the personal issues that L has, the fact that he just started a new job, and that he has two other women he is dating, he is completely incapable of giving me what I need in a relationship.  It was the smack in the face I needed.  Yep, I have to end that relationship.

Next, M.  I really like him. He’s kind and fun and sexy and a genuinely nice guy. But I’m not feeling it.  I realized that with my ambivalence to his (and L’s) canceled dates last week, I needed to acknowledge that I wasn’t really committed to them.  The intellectual connection just isn’t there. Part of my commitment to my life right now is only doing things that fulfill a purpose in my life – to make me happy or to keep me alive.  Neither of these relationships did either. So, I’ve ended my relationship with M.   He took it like a complete gentleman. He was so awesome about it, I actually left the conversation liking him more than I liked him yesterday.  I’m going to have my conversation with L on Thursday.  I’m not looking forward to it.

Contrast all of this to my response to A.  Nearly a year since our first date, and 10 months since I crossed the couch, my heart responds daily with the messages I get from him.  I’m excited to see him.  I love knowing about his day.  When I touch him, there’s a visceral (very positive) response.  When I think about him, I want to be next to him, chatting with him about the ridiculousness that is our lives.  I’m never in doubt that I want him in my life, even when I’m “crazy bitch” angry with him.  Contrast this to the ambivalence, and even apathy, that I felt with L and M, and the correct response to my doubts was glaring me in the face.  I needed to end my other relationships.  Of course, I handled delivering my decision extremely well for A and just texted him out of the blue that this was what was happening in my life, without warning.  Despite the fact that I know I’m causing A a bit of stress, I know that I’m making great decisions, and he trusts me to make them.  I’m sure he’s happy that there is a guy or two who is interested in my profile and wants to meet.  

On the way back from our trip, A’s wife called.  She updated him on some super cool parenting things and the fact that she activated her OKCupid profile and had her first date.  Any details about her dating life or his response to it are theirs to tell, not mine, but today I got a random text from A that went like this:

“Strangest conversation: Wife: I don’t really want to date guys out of the local poly group.  A: Once you know names, run them past GF and she can let you know the ones she knows.  WTH?!”

I just responded that she definitely should talk to me, and extended the open invitation to talk to me!  (Our local polyamory group has a few bad eggs that like to fill the wall with drama and immaturity and I don’t blame her at all for not wanting to date them.  I’m also more than happy to help her avoid them.)

In the “weird sentences I never expect to write” theme, I was texting him about breaking things off with L and M, and apologized that it was hitting him when he was dealing with some new things at home that were a little overwhelming.  He told me not to worry, and my response went something like this: “It would be stupid to stay in another relationship because the one boyfriend I want to keep is having a hard time with his wife starting to date.”  Definitely one of the weirdest sentences I’ve ever typed!


This morning, I had a conversation with U about A.  I told her that he is totally into her and that everything was OK with me. That I knew we could navigate the potentially complicated situation of my boyfriend dating one of my besties with little issue.  I realized that she was probably holding back from the obvious connection between the two because of me and my relationship with her.  I wanted her to know that I shouldn’t be a concern to her, or them, moving forward.  I also know that A smiles like a teenager in love every time he talks about her and that he’s trying to figure out a way to fit her into his ultra busy life.  I knew that encouraging her to date him would lead to his happiness, so I encouraged it.

So, imagine my surprise today, when I found out that he went over for “lunch” during the day and it hurt, like in-my-chest-huge-pang-HURT.  I knew immediately that it was an illogical reaction. I’d just been encouraging him to date her and encouraging her to date him, but that didn’t change the fact that it got to me.  A, to his credit, asked me if I was upset.  I told him that I needed some time to think it through.  He apologized and was generally awesome about it.  I was quite clear that he didn’t do anything wrong and that he definitely didn’t need to apologize, but I just needed to work through stuff.

Then, he phoned.  He wanted to have a ‘feelings’ talk, as we call them. Wait!!!  HE PHONED!  We never talk on the phone!  I had a date, so it was delayed, but we talked as I drove home.  It was incredible.  So clear and functional and caring and awesome. I have yet to process the whole thing, so I’m going to leave it there, but what I left the conversation with was the genuine comfort that comes with knowing that my partner cares about me enough to check in to make sure I’m OK when something unexpected happens and elicits an emotional response. That in and of itself is kind of awesome, but he, however unintentionally, told me he loved me tonight, and that was just awesome….exactly what I needed to hear.  

I’ll write more about life tomorrow.  About the new guy I’m completely lusting after, about breaking up with L, when I do it, and about what I think about A and U having “lunch” without me, 24 hours later.