Another

I love my job.  I’m sitting in my office, late in the day, with the fresh smell of a thunderstorm wafting in, while avoiding going home.  Today, I started doing some research into how to make part of my job better and more interesting.  I just fired off an email to a colleague about my ideas, and it just got me excited about my job.  My passion is returning, one small moment at a time.

    Things are so good, I’m happy.  I’m chatting with X frequently and we’ve slipped into this comfortable friendship full of honesty and connection.  I still have a thing for him, and I probably always will.  He knows I do so it’s not like it’s a secret.  But we are having fun catching up right now.  I’m chatting with a handful of guys from OKCupid and just enjoying getting to know new people.  I love dating, and I forgot how fun it is.

    Among the things that I chatted with X about yesterday was that I realized that the 20 plus year I was monogamous helped me realize that I was always sacrificing something in each of my relationships. I never had all of my needs being met.  Each monogamous relationship was a sacrifice.  Be it sexual fulfillment, emotional support, financial compatibility, or anything else, there was never a time when I felt like all my needs were being met.  That was until I was dating A and D.  Those two, together, despite the issues with F, fulfilled every need I had.  I had it ALL for a short time.  For nearly 5 months.  I think that this realization hit me today.  The reality is, I understand now that no one person is ever going to meet my needs.  When I chose to embrace polyamory, it was because I knew I had the capacity to love more than one person in a romantic way. That I could have more than one simultaneous committed relationship.  I’ve just realized that part of all of this is that I have needs and wants and desires that can’t be met by one person.  I’m not sure why this realization just hit me.  It makes sense.  Different people scratch different itches.  But I think the truth of it was a bit shocking to me.

One of the funniest things that comes up over and over again in online dating is: “What are you looking for?”  Well, I’m not looking for anything.  I just want to meet people, see if there is a connection, and if there is, see where it can go.  I don’t want to prescribe anything to my relationships.  I think that the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that it’s easy to miss opportunities because we are too focused on trying to achieve a goal.  But really, the goal in relationships should be the journey.

Tonight, I asked A if he was having a hard time with my dating again.  He’s been teasing me a bit about it all, because I had loudly declared that I wasn’t in a place to date and three days later reactivated my OKCupid account.  I teased him back saying that I am a woman and reserve the right to change my mind.  It was funny, because he answered “not at all” when I asked if it was hard on him.  My first reaction was “Phew”, because I don’t always deal with other people’s emotions well, and then my second reaction was “Why isn’t he having a hard time? Shouldn’t he be having a hard time?”  and then I laughed. And laughed. And laughed some more.  Because it was such a monogamous thing to think.  He understands that, while I love what we have, I need more than just him.  He knows he’s in no position to provide everything I need and want and desire (although he’s pretty good at the latter), and I know that as much as I love him, I will never want to escalate our relationship to more than it is.  

I need another.  Another lover.  Another partner.  Another something.  I don’t know what that something is.  My life was “perfect” when  A and D were a part of it.  Figuring out how to achieve the next “perfect” is the fun and the challenge.

Happy birthday to me

I had an amazing weekend.  On Friday, that cry was exactly what I needed.  That and chatting until wee hours of the morning with a couple of men.  That and two wonderful days in the sun with my kids. That and an amazing date with A on Saturday.  “Wow!” is all that needs to be said about that.

Today, I turned 40.  I’ve spent the last year completing a list of 40 new things before 40.  From embracing polyamory, to having sex with someone new, to buying lingerie, to getting a Brazilian wax, to throwing axes, to shooting guns, to getting in collision where we hit a moose, to making out in the back of a cop car, to taking art classes, to eating at a restaurant that I have wanted to eat at for years, to drinking a whole cup of coffee, to losing 200 lbs of disrespectful dead weight (F), to many other things, I did 40 things.

I completed my list last week.  It was a challenge to expose myself to new things for fun, that turned into a small series of changes that accumulated to make me a better, stronger, happier, more confident, and authentic person.  

This person I am now opened up OKC a week ago.  Today I had a coffee date. And it was nice.  We didn’t talk much online before the coffee, and it was really fun to just sit and chat and get to know each other a bit. The conversation flowed well and was easy and simple.  There will likely be a second date.  I have another first date next week, with a guy I’ve been talking a lot with.  I’m quite excited about it.

Life is moving forward in the most incredible ways.  Happy birthday to me.

I cried

Today I cried.  For the first time since my heart was suddenly figuratively ripped out of my chest, I cried.  It was simple.  A friend is selling something that D and his wife need.  I offered to connect them.  And his wife wrote this to me: …I miss you. And I’m sorry.  I don’t understand, and I don’t want to know what happened. I just want you to know….”

And I cried.  I cried because I don’t understand.  Because I’m sad. Because I love him and I miss him.  Because it was so amazing. And it’s gone.  And I don’t understand and the person who is closest to him doesn’t either. And then I cried more because I thought I was good.  And I felt weak and stupid and fragile.  And I cried because I want to be angry but I can’t be angry anymore.  I’m just hurt and sad and I can’t wrap an anger blanket around myself as protection any more.  It’s the second time in my life I’ve had a broken heart.  Like everything I tackle in my life, I thought I could power through.  Force myself to heal and move on.  Then with that message, I got a reminder that I’m not always in control, despite wanting to be.  And I cried.  Because I should.  Because I’m human.  

Three things and done

The last time I talked about D, I ended by saying that the relationship was amazing, but the ending wasn’t.  As I’ve processed my heartache and come to a really good, logical place, one that prevents me from being angry at all and has me wondering if friendship will ever be a thing for us, I find myself thinking about the very best of the amazing parts of our relationship.  The things that when I think of, I’m still flooded with that amazing emotion that enveloped me in that moment.  Truthfully, there are so many good memories, it’s hard to narrow them down.  There were so many nights on the couch where we just held each other and watched a movie, running our hands over each other’s or running our hands through each other’s hair (or lack thereof).  There were so many lunches and suppers and drink dates where we sat and talked and held hands and just connected.  There were so many super fucking sexy times in bed.  I was trying to narrow it down to three.  Three memories that if I only had three to hold on to, what they would be.  It’s hard to do so.  By a narrow margin, these three won out.

  1. The Robbie Burns night when A goaded me into coming and D was so happy I was there.  The reaction on his face when he saw me.  The way he said “My mind is blown!” and the actions he did as he said it. Many times.  His wife giving me the bed for the night.  Standing in their kitchen, D hugging both of us and telling us how much he loved us both and was so very happy.  Drunk chatting until all hours of the morning including D talking about picturing us together and how it would look 20 years from now.
  2. The night we first said “I love you” to each other.  The amazing IKEA date, supper at his favourite bar, walk, coffee, and that amazing, long, perfect kiss goodnight.  The way my heart pounded so I thought it would jump out of my chest.  The way I felt when he first said “Goodnight my love”, and the way it felt to whisper “I love you” in his ear.  That amazing feeling of having him say it back.
  3. The night I gave him a long massage.  I got chocolate flavoured/scented (it’s kind of awful, but he just thanked me for not picking cherry) massage oil and massaged him from head to ankle (I have a foot thing).  What followed was hours of foreplay.  It was sensual and soft and when that was done it was hard and sexy and amazing.  I felt like I was showing my love through each touch of every body part.  It was so….complete.  

I miss D.  Things happen in my life and I still catch myself thinking “I should text him to tell him”, and then I realize he’s no longer that person to me. He removed himself from that list in a horrible way. Writing out the above three scenarios hurt.  It brought up the pain that I thought I’d waded through.  The secret of course, is that I haven’t been thinking in detail about any of those things, but acknowledging and moving on.  Writing them out meant thinking hard about the love we shared. What was amazing.  What we’ve lost.

And I’m done.  I’m putting D to rest.  He’s gone from my life.  So he’s gone from this blog too.  I’m still a little sad about that, but the sadness too will end.    

A good place

On Friday, I decided I was taking this weekend to myself.  To be alone and reflect and do some self care.  As alone as one can be when having to keep four young kids alive, anyway.  Saturday and Sunday, I spent in my yard.  I planted most of my garden, mowed the lawn, trimmed the trees, weeded flower beds, and worked.  I got dirty, sweaty, and hot; it was amazing. My kids ran around naked and played in the little paddling pool and got wet naked bums and went shooting out the slide into the pool. My little man learned a bunch of new words this weekend and came and grabbed my hand and dragged me to the couch for a cuddle, which melted my heart.  My girls were lovely, fun, and full of spunk.  The kids played with the neighbourhood kids.  It was easy and relaxing and fun and I processed. Oh how I processed.

I’m in a really good place. The knot in my stomach, the lump in my throat, and the pain in my heart are gone.  I’ve worked at accepting that I may never understand why D ended it the way he did and that I may never understand what my part in it was.  I’ve concluded that I can say it was not me, it was him.  The anger and hurt have dissipated and I think about D far less every day.  So much less that I am forgetting I’m angry about the way he ended it and happy memories float in instead.  As is always the case with me, I can’t stay angry or hold a grudge.  I process quickly, and I’m confident that in no time I’ll just be looking back at everything but our break up with a fondness for how amazing it once was.  The truth is, it was amazing. A relationship ending does not mean it was a bad relationship.  It was a great relationship.  It just had a bad ending.

In among the hurt that I was dealing with last week, F threw me another curve ball in our separation.  A and D had both been suggesting for a long time that I was being too nice.  So, I stopped being so nice.  I’m playing hard ball to his curve ball and he’s upped the passive aggressive bullshit and I’m tired of it.  So I’m going to just let it go and wait and see and try to enjoy my kids and the time I have with A. I need to let go of all the hurt and anger and just be. Take things one step at a time.  Lean on my people and just do stuff in the meantime.

Part of what I did yesterday was reactivate my OKCupid account. I really like getting to know people, talking to them and seeing where things go.  It’ll have to be a pretty strong connection to even get me out on a first date, but there’s no harm in chatting, right? I’m truly not “ready” to date, but I also don’t know when I will be, or if the good time will ever come.  I’m going to play things by ear and see where they go.  I’ve had a lot of messages on Fetlife in the last weeks and am still chatting with K, who I will almost certainly date one day.  The reality is that A’s schedule isn’t going to lighten up in the foreseeable future and we’ve fallen into a good routine with our one in home date every week and stealing a moment here or there otherwise.  I don’t want him to feel pressured for more than he can offer either and that means I might have to get my rocks off elsewhere periodically. I’m polyamorous, so it’s a little odd to have just one man in my life. (If someone would have told me I would write that sentence a year ago, I’d say they were nuts!) I’m just going to be open to possibilities right now and see how things go.

Either way, I’m back to being happy with the life I’ve chosen for myself. I know the decisions I’ve made were right and even though the pain of polyagony has been abundant as of late, living the life I was meant to live and accepting myself as who I am is worth every bit of pain.  I could, however, use a bit of a break.  

Kind of drunk and feeling happy

I’m a little drunk.  As is my normal for coping with the times when now ex-boyfriends should be at my house. D and I had talked about him staying over tonight.  Instead of having amazing sex, complete with his amazing oral skills, I’m drinking alone, while watching the Walking Dead. Honestly, It’s kind of perfect.  I need this time alone to recharge, regroup, and remember what I love about me. Even if we were together, this would kind of be the perfect night.

Today was a fantastic day.  I spent the day working in my yard. I mowed the lawn. I planted tomatoes and cucumbers and zucchini and peas and corn and beans and herbs too.  My kids were crazy little hyper monkeys that were full of awesome on so many levels. My littlest little man only killed one plant in the process. Definitely a win!   

I processed. Oh, how I processed. I processed the not understanding part of D’s departure from my life, I processed the latest cuntbaggery that is F’s communication with me.  I mowed my lawn and the mower squealed and was a pain in the ass and my step-dad came over and played with a few things and fixed it and had it started in minutes.  Because I’m a strong, fiercely independent woman who needs her dad to come save the day sometimes. (And I’m so incredibly glad I have the support I do in my life!)  

My person came over. My friend from work who is smart and funny and supportive and kinky like me.  We talked for hours. The kids stayed up way too late.  We talked and laughed and supported each other and it was awesome. She is amazing. She reminds me about all the things that I have to offer the world and that the world should appreciate about me.

I don’t know what else needs to be said. I’m taking this weekend for me.  I’m remembering why I love myself. Getting back in touch with my kids, who are amazing little people with a diverse range of personalities that is incredible. I’m still astounded by their differences, four people from the same two parents.  I love them for the cool little people they are, but am so incredibly excited to see the much bigger people that they become.  

I’m so fortunate. So fortunate to have people who love me. To have people who appreciate me. To have people to accept me for who I am and love me in spite of it and despite it.  To have the support of all of these amazing people.   These people who love me and my kids.  I have so many people who love me.  I am blessed. I am loved. I am drunk. Hahahahahaha!  

In love

The last few days have been full of emotion for me.  I process quickly, I’ve had a lot of alone time, and I’m doing well and working through my emotions.  I should have known that D wouldn’t show up at the event we were at last night.  He’s too cowardly to break up with me in person, he’s not going to show up where I am two days later.  G came and gave me hugs and love, I spent some time mocking one of the presenters who was SO BAD, and had a lot of laughs and fun listening to the other presentations.  In the end, it was great.

Before meeting G and my other friends, I met A for a quick supper and a couple beers.  I realized the minute I hugged him exactly what I had been missing the previous two days!  I needed a hug from someone!  I had been living life in this haze of emotion, trying to process things quickly and forgot to just ask for that comfort I needed from someone!  We had a nice chat, caught up a bit, and talked about my unceremonious dumping.  One of the things I love about A is that he never says anything negative about pretty much anyone.  He’s never said a bad thing about F and he is in this tenuous situation with D that his wife if best friends with D’s wife, so this works well, because he won’t say anything bad about D either.  Of course he says he doesn’t understand and it wouldn’t be how he would handle the same situation, and his heart hurts for me, but he doesn’t trash D.  Which is good, because as angry as I am at D for treating me as if I’m disposable, I don’t want to trash the guy either.  The real truth is that something is going on in D’s life that only D can reveal, and it’s not my concern anymore.  He didn’t explain things to me for whatever reason, maybe he doesn’t understand himself, or maybe he didn’t want to share.  In any case, it’s not important.  I want to be able to look back at our relationship fondly and without pain one day, and refusing to think of him as a bad person goes a long way to achieve that.  I hate his actions, not him. I hope he finds happiness.  I hope he doesn’t do to any other women what he did to me.  One of the things A did agree with was that obligation exists in all relationships, it’s just a different degree of obligation.  His obligation to his wife is so much more than it is to me.  His obligation to me is so much more than to his friends.  It’s all relative to the parameters of the relationship and obligations change with time and circumstance.

A reads this blog and he had read my angry post yesterday about all the things I want to say to D but can’t. He pointed out that one of the things he learned in communication is that writing out what you want to say to get the emotion out is a really good communication tool. You get it out so you can write the email or have the conversation you should have instead of letting the emotion drive you.  One of the other things he said is that my blog isn’t as good when it’s not about him! This made me laugh, which is something he’s quite talented at (among other things).  So, to assuage his (not at all) fragile ego, I decided to write a little about him today.  In my emotion on Monday, after receiving D’s email, I let A know he had broken up with me.  I also decided I wasn’t going to play any games anymore.  We’ve been doing this dance around love the last few weeks.  I figured out when we were talking about not being in love that I am in love with him. It was so weird.  The way he approached the conversation was honest and direct and awesome in so many ways.   This was part of the conversation:

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Of course, that day, I also texted G and this is how that went down.  

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So, I’ve known for a long time that I was in love with him.  I just didn’t want to make anything more complicated.  There seemed to be no point to saying it.  Honestly, there are just so many things going on with my separation that saying or not saying “I love you” didn’t seem important. It mattered to me, but knowing I was in love with him was enough.  I didn’t need to say it and have him say it back.

This is a good thing, because I’m not sure he’s there yet.  I’m not sure he really spends any time thinking about it, to be honest.  I think he just is enjoying our relationship, in exactly the way I advised him to enjoy any relationship back in January when we were talking about how he rejected every woman that came his way.  So, on Monday when I was having all the hurt feels from D breaking up with me, I decided I was just going to put myself out there. Because I wanted him to know how I felt. This was how our conversation went:

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So, it’s out. I love A. He responded exactly how I would expect him to.  I love that he is always himself.