The dawn

Well, 9 hours after I got dumped for the first time in my life, I woke up at 4:30 am and baked a cake, chatted with G and K about my break up and have come to a reasonably good place.  Sure, I know I’ll go a few more rounds of feelings and hurt and processing before I’m done, but the reality is that I have bigger things in my life going on and they are way more important than my hurt and disappointment in D.

My primary thoughts are that I’ve learned something about him that I didn’t know previously.  He’s the kind of guy who will, out of nowhere, break up with a girl he says he loves, after six months without so much as one conflict, because he feels like she is an “obligation”.  He doesn’t try to get to the root of the problem.  He doesn’t communicate his concerns.  He encounters the first “problem”, and without communicating with the person he has the issue with, the person he says he loves, he leaves.  He walks away from challenge.  He does so without even having the courtesy of doing it in person.  He sends a lame email and he doesn’t even attempt to explain.  Lame, half-assed apologies are what he offers.

Well, my disappointment in him and how he handled this is simple to understand. I was blindsided.  It’s obvious that he’s not handling my separation well. What else could it be?  He’s excused every bad mood with how busy he’s been or how stressful work is or other things, never once did he communicate that he was having a hard time with me talking to him about my separation.  I had no idea he was internalizing my issues and that he wasn’t coping with my conflict. Had he communicated it?  I could have gone elsewhere for support. But he told me he wanted to be there as a source of support.

Let’s forget how lame it is that he can’t handle the complexities of my life, the complexities, I may add, that I’m navigating amazingly well with little impact on my life let alone the life of others, and focus on the fact that he had an issue and didn’t communicate it.  I don’t want to be with someone who thinks so little of me that he will drop me via email six months into a relationship that had zero issues with no explanation.  Now that I know this part of who he is, I don’t want to be with him.

So, this morning, I’m more focused on the one thing about him I will miss – his amazing oral skills and the best orgasms of my life.  The reality is that my feelings for him were probably intricately linked to those orgasms, so they wouldn’t come back anyway.  So I’ll mourn their loss in the same practical way I mourn the loss of what I thought was a near perfect relationship.

And I added getting dumped to my 40 things before 40 list. Because I’ve never been dumped before…..

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Blindsided and feeling worthless

I was in the middle of writing a different blog post when I got this:

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My response:Screenshot_20170515-214953

I’m blind sided. I thought we were so good. I am so in love with him.  Yesterday, he introduced me to a friend as his girlfriend. Today he breaks up with me.  I had no idea.  I literally had no idea he was having issues with our relationship.  I thought we were so good. As recently as last Thursday, he stopped in the middle of what we were doing and said “Fuck, I love you so much”.  We spent the whole weekend together. We had fun. It was great.  Fuck me. Fuck. Me. How could I be so unaware that I missed this?  How could I mean so little to him that I get a fucking email?  How can feeling like there’s an issue not be reason to address the fucking issue?  Try to get the root of it?  Sure, feeling like an obligation is a bad thing. I don’t want to feel like an obligation, but certainly don’t think that it’s a reason to break up.  Talk about the things that make it feel like an obligation.  Figure out a way to fix it.  I wasn’t worth enough to him to figure out a way to fix it.  Or even try.  Fuck. Me. How was I so wrong?  I wasn’t worth enough to him.  Wow.  I can’t wrap my head around it.

This was my final text to him:

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Fuck I hate making grammatical errors.  ***you’re

Relaxed. OK. Happy.

The last four days have been incredible.  I can’t remember the last time I was this relaxed and full.  Full of love, acceptance, understanding, and family.  

It started last Thursday night when I slept over at D’s place.  I got to get up and go to work from his house, which is far closer to my work than my house is, and since I didn’t have kids to get ready, I was at work, with take out breakfast in hand, 50 minutes after I got out of bed!  Thursday night with D was great, just being together.  Cuddles and love and sleeping on opposite edges of the bed because that’s how we both sleep best (I love cuddling, just not while asleep – too sticky!) and then cuddling before having to get out of bed in the morning. It was an excellent way to start the day!

Before I got out of bed, I checked my phone for all the places I get messages, and I was surprised to see a message from X!  It was really nice. He was reaching out as a friend, extending an olive branch, and since I have zero hard feelings for how things went and I have nothing but positive thoughts about him, I was very happy to receive it.  We have been chatting back and forth all weekend, and it feels incredibly…comforting…to have him back in my life.  I have zero expectations from him.  I won’t ever lose my romantic attraction to him.  It’s been a permanent fixture in my life for almost 24 years, but I am capable of not acting on it for the meantime and being his friend. No one is more cognizant of the fact that I’m in no place to date than I am right now.  Plus he lives 1400 km away, so I’m pretty safe! (This is me acknowledging that I’m kind of bad at being friends with guys.  Especially one I’m attracted to. But if I don’t actually see him, I should be safe!)

My day of work was fabulous, I felt so good coming home, chilled with my monkeys and A came over.  It was so good to have him here. To just chat and laugh and connect.  We had some quality naked time and fell asleep in each other’s arms early in the evening.  Both of us were exhausted, but A is just wiped from the amount of stuff he has on his plate and I think he needed that time just cuddling as much as he needed the sex. I realized after he left that we had reached the place where we are happy to collapse in each other’s arms and fall asleep. To just “be”.  What an amazing place to be.  That realization makes my heart do flips and brings a smile to my face.  Comfort like that is something to be strived for in every relationship.  

Saturday, my girls put together a very fun mother’s day tea for me, full of cute and love and a lot of fun. D and his boys came over and we had crazy kids running around everywhere. We ate supper together and just had a normal poly family type day.  It was amazing.  His kids were so good with my kids.  It was lovely.

Today, Sunday, I worked at my second job.  It was a busy day at work but quiet on the man front.  A is busy doing what A does when he disappears on the weekends, and doesn’t commit to plans during the week, leaving me slightly stressed that I don’t know when I’ll see him next.  D was with his boys and doing the usual work around the house that needs to get done. (Unfortunately, no matter how many relationships you have, laundry and housework and basic life shit still has to get done).  F was home parenting and decided to have W and her kids over, so rather than pulling the mother’s day card, I decided to get together with D and his kids (his wife was away in another city for the weekend).  We had a nice dinner.  About halfway through, I hear D say “Oh Hi!” and get up and give a girl a hug.  She introduces him to her companion, and he says “This is my girlfriend.”  and introduces me.  I was so shocked and it was clear she was too.  Turns out they’ve been friends for 15ish years and judging by her face, she didn’t know D is polyamorous.  That bit of awkward was funny and interesting and gave us something to talk about.  D was a little surprised and distracted by what he did, but I’m sure he’ll just have a beer with her sometime this week and sort everything out.  It got me to thinking about what I would do in the same situation, and I realized that most of the people I care about already know that I’m poly and so I wouldn’t really mind to tell more. But I’d probably just say “This is D” and not qualify our relationship.  We went back to his place and cuddled and chatted on the couch and it was lovely.  I came home and F had got me flowers and a card and the kids made me another card for mother’s day, and for the first time, my second wrote her own name.  

Life is good in this moment.  I’m happy.  That’s all that matters right now.

 

Positive spin

The other day was a crazy day for me. Between F and Sister, I just wasn’t dealing with what life was handing me.  My mom called me in the evening and asked me if I thought my sister had lost it.  Why yes mom, yes I do.  Having talked to my friends, I’m not sure this is abnormal behaviour of if it’s just an extreme version of her normal though, in retrospect. 

There were a few things that happened because of my crazy sister and sharing with my people that stuck out for me.  In the best way possible.  I felt incredibly loved and supported.  A, D, G, and several other of my besties all were amazing.  

I was having a really hard time and trying to do my job and really struggling and I reached out to G in the midst of all my sister’s awfulness.  Here’s how our conversation went:

G1G2G3

I have a group of friends where I used to live who are among my best friends in the world. I’ve been leaning on them for so much support and when I shared what my sister with them, this is what happened:

friends 1friends 2friends 3friends 4

And then today, in a conversation about my mom asking if I think she’s losing it:

friends 5

Later in the day, I invited A out and he said ‘no’, which is a central theme lately because he’s so fucking busy, and somewhere in our exchange I realized that I was emotionally done.  As I was crying in my car, I told him I just couldn’t do the conversation we were having.  It wasn’t even an emotional conversation, but I was having some pretty emotional responses to it.  The day was kicking my ass and I wasn’t coping.  I pointed him in the direction of my last blog post to get the details.  I just couldn’t go through explaining it again.  While I was doing some retail therapy (OK, I actually hate shopping, but this girl absolutely needed some new work clothes and was in the mood to buy something that made me feel pretty after all the badness), I got his response:

A1A2

I had told D early in the day that I went to bed with horrificness from my sister in a family thread and woke up to even more, but he tends to get a little upset about the stress in my life and I didn’t want to bother him at work, so in the evening I sent it all to him.  Here’s how that conversation went:

D1D2D3D4D5D6

I spent a bit of time thinking during the day about what if my sister’s perception of me was accurate.  What if people think I’m a manipulative, mean-spirited, judgmental person? What if I really lack the self-awareness and the problem isn’t with her, but with me?  Having heard some awful assumptions about my motivations and behaviours from F, hearing sister say similar things was really hard for me.  How is it that two people who I’ve been so close to can say such similar awful things about me.  Some of it must be true, right?

Well ya.  Because I’m not perfect. I make mistakes.  I have said things in anger that were meant to hurt. I haven’t always taken the high road.  I haven’t always supported them in the way I should.  I own my mistakes. I apologized for them.  I’ve worked on bettering myself and my communication skills and my patience and I’ve forgiven over and over what they’ve done to me.  That’s the central theme.  I’ve forgiven them.  I’ve forgiven myself.  But they haven’t forgiven me.  I am held to these unattainable standards that aren’t communicated, and then blamed when I fail to achieve them.  They both seem to think that I should be doing all the work to change, with no awareness of their own failings.  

While I was thinking this last part through, I realized how much sister and F have in common.  Then I thought about my dad.  My dad is the prototype for my sister’s dysfunctional passive aggressive and often outright aggressive style.  The lack of self-awareness, avoiding taking responsibility, blaming others for problems, and horrible communication all comes from my dad.  My sister comes by it naturally.  It is both nature and nurture.  Apparently my daddy issues came out in my choice of husband too.  Seems I married a version of him.

Polyamory broke that mold for me.  I entered into relationships with men who know how to communicate.  Who take responsibility for their actions.  Who know how to prioritize the things that are important to them.  Men who can adult.  Somewhere in there, with all the functional, productive and generally easy communication, mutual respect, and connection, I no longer had the capacity to wade through F’s passive aggressive bullshit.  Polyamory broke me out of my daddy issues and years of dysfunction.  F and sister just aren’t handling the fact that I’m happy and can take care of myself.  

I can take care of myself.  But even better, I have a veritable army of people who have my back.  I have six amazing girlfriends who all sent me wonderful messages of support and love.  Who saw what was happening and offered intelligent perspective and genuinely kind and supportive comments.  I have two boyfriends who responded with support, love, compassion, kindness, and anger.  I have people so firmly in my court that they are actually angry at my sister for verbally assaulting me.  Those same people are also very aware of who I am and what type of support and encouragement I need.  Those same people are people I’m eternally grateful for and hope I can one day be even a small measure of support to them in the same way.  I am so very fortunate.

 

Sisterly support?

I may have eluded to the fact that my sister was the first person I confided in when F and I decided to be polyamorous.  Her reaction was horrible. She yelled, screamed, accused, and generally berated me for a week.  What I got from that was that she doesn’t think very much of me.  She thinks I’m a bad person. She thinks I treat her badly, that I’m a bully, that I judge her.  According to her, this all started one night when we were building a puzzle in my kitchen and I tried to move the puzzle to complete the edge. Apparently it was a metaphor for my dealings with everyone in my life.  According to her, I don’t care about the hard work of other people and I just push my way through them, not caring who I hurt in the process.  I certainly don’t think that’s the way I operate. Here’s the thing.  She got mad about that at least four months before she blew up at me.  She was living, for free, in my basement, while I paid for babysitters to go to work, and she undermined my babysitter daily. It was pretty awful.  I should have talked to her about what she was doing, but I was a little busy starting a new job and living my life while she took advantage of my generosity.

I deleted all the text conversations we had, because I couldn’t handle the awfulness.  I didn’t want to reread a long argument between her and I.  

At Easter, my sister was being wicked awesome with my kids.  They were making vinegar and baking soda volcanoes, and someone got the idea of trying to explode a bottle in the back yard.  She headed out to the backyard to mix things up, put on the cap, and ran away.  It became pressurized and didn’t explode.  She snuck up on the bottle and tried to get it to explode, opened the lid and squeezed out the liquid.  I videoed it and it was hilarious. It was so fun and awesome. The kids loved it, everyone was laughing, it was great family time.  I said I thought it was awesome and I was going to post it her Facebook wall, and she said “Then I’ll delete it.”  I posted the video to my Facebook and tagged her in it. I legitimately didn’t understand that she didn’t want it posted. I thought she was joking with me.  I thought it was an awesome family moment. She felt otherwise. Of course, instead of saying something, at dessert, she decided scream at me about how she’d been trying to remove the tag on Facebook for hours.  I just said “Oh, why didn’t you tell me you didn’t want it posted, I can take it down right now.”  She yelled that she had told me.  There was a back and forth that involved me saying that I have enough people in my life not actually saying what they need that I didn’t need her poor communication.  She told me that she “knows the only reason I posted that video is so that my friends and I could make fun of her.” She said that I had intentionally not posted pictures of her at my kids’ birthdays and Christmas and then chose to post something to embarrass her.   At that point I left the room.  I came back and said that she needs to get over herself, she’s not that important, my friends and I don’t talk about her, good or bad.  I told her that I hadn’t posted pictures of her because I either didn’t have them or the ones I had weren’t pictures she’d want me to post.

I had had a conversation with my mom about my will a few days before, and she suggested that I change the guardian of my children from my brother-in-law to my sister in the event of my death.  I said I wasn’t comfortable with my sister having the kids because her lifestyle isn’t conducive to having four kids.  My mom said that she would rise to the occasion in the event that it happened.  She was concerned that my brother-in-law is as passive aggressive as F.  Well, this was an example of my sister being even as passive aggressive.  I told my mom, after this exchange, that this was why my brother-in-law was preferable.  She just said “Well, don’t die.”  I love my mom. It must be so hard for her to see her kids doing this.  

And then in the last 24 hours it got worse.  

My daughter’s 5th birthday party was on Sunday.  I took pictures, and posted one to Instagram of my sister watching present opening.  Then this happened:

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This was between us on Instagram.  I decided that I didn’t need the abuse, deleted her off my social media.  It’s my space.  I don’t let people treat me badly in my space.  She took screen shots and put it in a Viber thread that contains my mom and my step-dad.   This is where it continues.

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I want to respond, but nothing good can come of it.  She’s passive aggressive, mean, and unaccountable for her actions.  She blames me for things that aren’t my fault.  But the things I would say if I thought responding would be reasonable are:

  1. I never intentionally cut you out of pictures or didn’t post any. You didn’t come to Christmas, and those pictures that I did have of you at other times are the types you wouldn’t want posted.  So I didn’t post them.
  2. I didn’t post that video to show a failure or embarrass you, I thought it was a great example of you being an awesome and fun auntie and of us having some good family time together.  It was so nice to have that laugh 24 hours after I asked F for a separation.
  3. I’ve never tried to control you or anyone else.  I’m glad you feel emotionally stable.  I liked you when you showed a small measure of compassion and care for your family and your friends.  I enjoyed being with you.  Fuck, I let you live for free in my basement for over a year with you hardly ever contributing.  Towards the end, I was paying a babysitter to take care of my kids while you slept in the basement, woke up, undermined said babysitter and left.
  4. You are terribly judgmental – it comes out in your reaction to my confiding in you about polyamory, in the way you talk about my parenting, how you criticize my 7-year-old when you think she needs a bath, or when she behaves like a 7-year-old does and wants a friend to herself and you call her a bully and refuse to spend any more quality time with her. It comes out in the negative things you say about natives, homeless people, professional people, and anyone who doesn’t believe in naturopathy and homeopathy.  It comes out when you criticise me for trusting science and not believing in your unproven, scientifically implausible, often times completely discounted natural medicine.  It comes out in the way you talk about your “friends”, their clothing, their choices, the things they say.  
  5. I didn’t decide “to set my husband up with other women”.  I am polyamorous.  I discussed things with him and we decided together.  Much like you, his version of history frequently changes, but polyamory is so much different from what you are talking about.  It’s really too bad you can’t understand.
  6. When you say racist things about Muslims and aboriginals, when you justify slavery in America, when you spout pro-Trump rhetoric, or right-wing conservative propaganda, in front of my kids and in my house, I will always respond. Me not agreeing with a belief you have is not me attacking you.  It’s me not agreeing with a belief you have.  I can love you but still think you are wrong.  It’s not gaslighting. It’s not criticism. It’s not abuse.  It’s not even an attack. It’s me disagreeing with your opinion.
  7. My attitude to you changed when you yelled at me, criticized me, called me a whore, and blamed me for things that I never did.  You spent an entire week telling me everything you have every perceived as a slight. Because I told you I was polyamorous.
  8. I have never asked you if I can post every single picture.  I did ask you when I took them and you lived with me. But I can’t win on this.  If I don’t post a picture, you accuse me of intentionally cropping you out, if I do post a picture, it’s not good enough.  
  9. I am not hurtful and mean spirited.  I never have been and I never will be.  Have I said things in anger that I shouldn’t have? Definitely.  Do I wish I hadn’t? Sure.  But I have never intentionally hurt anyone.  I’m sorry if you feel I have.
  10. I’ve never fought you on your feelings. You want me to delete something I post of you? Say so.  Don’t accuse me of doing things I haven’t done, and expect me to accept your abuse. I never said I didn’t care about how you feel about a picture you don’t like.  You just had to ask me to take it down. Nothing else needed to be said. I thought it was a good pic.
  11. You keep saying that I “intentionally cut you out of pictures”; “posted a failure video to make fun of you”; “post a picture you don’t like” to hurt you.  I literally don’t think about you enough to do any of those things.  First, I’m just not that intentional, and would never do something to hurt someone, and second, you just aren’t that big of a concern in my life.  You aren’t that important that I, or my group of friends, spend any amount of time talking about you and how to do things to you.  It’s very self-centered of you to think that we would.  So when I say “get over yourself”, that’s what I mean.
  12. I haven’t approached you since last summer. At all. Harshly or otherwise.  I most certainly haven’t been treating you badly your whole life.  If you think I have and you are blaming me for some of these things, you should probably reevaluate some of your perspectives.  But if you want to scapegoat me to escape responsibility, go ahead.
  13. You have never tried to fix anything.  You have definitely not tried “everything”. You have never come to me about anything. You have never communicated with me.  I guess if you feel that insulting, criticizing, and generally abusing me is communication, you have.  But I don’t know on what planet you think the way you talk to me would ever be effective in either getting me to have a basic understanding of the message you really want to send or getting me to change some perceived bad behaviour.
  14. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. I said things in anger, and I shouldn’t have engaged you.  But it’s not fucking intentional and I certainly haven’t done the things you say I have.
  15. Quit making excuses about your language being too aggressive. You insult, criticise, and accuse. That’s not communication. That’s being an asshole.  I don’t care who you work with. It’s not OK.  .
  16. I want to have a sisterly relationship with you. I always have. Those 4 short years where we got along were great.  But somewhere along the way, communication broke down and I just can’t make the sacrifice to my self-esteem to bend over and do what  you seem to think I need to do to make things right.  I love you, but I can’t do this right now. I can’t take your abuse, criticism, accusations, or negative attitude. I need people who love me and support me around me. People who will actually communicate their needs and desires directly. People who will not make arbitrary rules and then get mad at me when I don’t know them and don’t follow them. I can’t. I can’t do this with you.
  17. I hope people out there who say they are my friends aren’t actually scared to talk to me.  But if they are, they aren’t my friends.  I had several people comment on what a colossal passive aggressive bitch you are, but that doesn’t really matter, does it?  
  18. I can’t do this to mom.  She is my rock. She is the person who accepts me without fail, and I won’t hurt her.  Please don’t do this to her.  But if you have to, don’t include me.

There’s probably more.  But honestly, I’m just hurt. And tired. I can’t deal with attacks on two fronts.  Have I made mistakes? Absolutely.  But I’m not the only one who has, I’m just the only one who acknowledges it. I need to take care of myself and my kids.  My sister is going to just have to continue throwing attacks that don’t get a response, because I need my energy to negotiate with F and work out a separation and be there for my kids.  While my sister doesn’t understand this, my boyfriends, friends, and other family do.  For them, I’m eternally grateful.

Awesome with a rotten cherry on top

I’m working a shift at my second, very casual job.  As I sit here, I’m getting as much of my computer and desk personal work that I can get done done while I’m here. It’s part of the reason I have kept this job, I get so much of my thinking and scheduling and overall organization for adulting done here.  It’s what happens when you are forced to sit still for 12 straight hours. The mind gets shit done!

This weekend was an amazing one. Full of so much awesome with my men, then topped of with a rotten cherry in the form of F.  F just completely fucked up our second child’s 5th birthday. He couldn’t have been more absent had he not been there.  He pouted and didn’t participate.  He watched the hockey game during dinner, chose to wash dishes and watch the hockey game after supper, then took off while the kids were playing and having a good time with his brother, despite the family birthday party and the fact that I had to work at 0530.  Once again, assuming I’ll parent; not actually talking to me.  It makes me pause to wonder if we should continue to pursue family birthday parties.  I’m pretty certain it would be better for the kids if we didn’t.  

Today, I decided to send him an email about my concerns about his mental health. He’s clearly showing signs of PTSD and depression and he’s taking it out on me and the kids.  I doubt he’ll listen, but I had to say something, because last night I lay awake thinking about what I would do if he becomes suicidal and my kids are left without a dad.  Would I forgive myself and know I’d done everything to prevent it from happening?  So today, he got an email, because I need that answer to be “yes”.  

I took the day off on Friday and did a horrible job of doing nothing. I have so many balls in the air most days that letting them just fly was difficult for me.  But it did start off some good relaxation.  On Friday night, A came over, and it was absolutely wonderful.   There’s not much else to say there. We made up for a week of not seeing each other, when he left we were both exhausted, but happy, and as always, I was left wanting more.  According to A, I am greedy. There’s good reason for that.  I always want more of a good thing!  Unfortunately, it seems likely that I’ll be getting even less in the coming weeks.  I long for a time when A has more time for everything, but mostly for me.

Saturday, during the day, I was home with the kids. F was supposed to come home at 3:00 pm, so I could go off for the night to D’s house.  Of course, he was 30 minutes late, because he has no respect for me or my time.  I did a few errands and ended up at D’s at around 4:30.  I can’t put into words exactly how much I needed the time with D.  I needed to reconnect with him so badly, to feel that connection again, to have that love and acceptance and comfort, and to cuddle and wake up next to someone I love who isn’t under eight years old.

Part of the way through cooking supper, D realized that his kids were supposed to be going to a family friend’s house overnight.  A bit of a rush later, he dropped the kids off, and with our new-found freedom, we headed out for a beer.  We settled on his favourite place and we drank a couple drinks and talked. I nerded out about all the things I nerd out about at work, while he listened to me, legitimately interested in my philosophies on how to best do my job, how I have changed some of the critical components of my work flow this term, and some of the cooler sciency things that I do.  He nerded out on the things he nerds out about, I listened with fascination about his career and the things he does.  We talked in the way we talk. Everything flowed easily, we laughed a lot, we looked at each other with those super cute looks that people in love do, and we got to be children-free adults for an evening. We returned to his place early, had some clothes-free time that was beyond amazing (it always is, that man has mad skills), and cuddles on the couch, ate popcorn, drank and watched a movie.  I woke him up the next morning and the morning started the way it ended and we even managed a kid-free brunch before picking up his kids.  D even forgave me for waking him up early on a Sunday, and after the kids were home we cuddled on the couch and watched another movie, both of us dozing in and out because we were exhausted.  His wife came home and the three of us chatted for about an hour and then I returned home to the rotten cherry that was F.  But honestly, nothing could undo the awesome that was two great nights with my men.

Asking for what you want when you’re not getting what you need.

The last week has been one of the worst in a long time.  After receiving the “rejection” from D on Monday, I realized exactly how badly I had been coping with all that’s been going on.  The weekend was accentuated by F being a giant asshole to our kids, trying to use them as weapons in our negotiations, and then proposing yet another selfish division of assets and finances and property that once again doesn’t take the children into account.  For some reason, this weekend marked my tank of shit being full to the top.  Something had to give.  And really, said tank gave in two ways. One was a miscommunication with A last week when he said that “love didn’t matter to him” and me overreacting when he meant that he wasn’t prescribing a direction or intent to our relationship.  I had a visceral emotional reaction to the message that left me rather sad for an evening but was resolved quickly in A’s usual direct style. Turns out that the man who chooses his words so carefully chose his words carelessly, not understanding the meaning they would take for me.  

Under normal circumstances, I would have replied with a question about what he meant, but my coping ability for anything emotional was lacking, and I didn’t do that. But sure as shit, I didn’t realize exactly what was going on in my brain until Monday night when D didn’t want me to come over and I was hurt by it.  This is also outside my normal. I work very hard not to get upset about other people’s needs for time, or space, or preference to spend time doing anything else.  In fact, one of my philosophies is that I don’t worry about what other people are thinking unless they identify an issue directly with me.  Likewise, I frequently choose time alone or with very specific people as a part of my self care.  I’m very good at notifying people if I have an issue. So it’s unusual that I spent the next two days wondering if something more was going on with D. If I had done something that he wasn’t communicating.  If there was something he wasn’t telling me.  It was obvious within minutes of him arriving Wednesday that none of my fears were founded, that he was just focused on the things going on in his life.  He’s busy with work as his workload and stress have ramped up, he’s going through a “down” period as he had a very socialization heavy April and needs some down time, and he’s working through a few other things.  His only fault in all of this was not communicating that.  But we’ve been so busy, both of us, that our communication has been far less abundant than a couple months ago. It’s a perfect storm. We’ve become accustomed to quick texts to say “Good Morning” and “Goodnight” with few messages at any other time.  This lack of messages has bothered me for some time, but I haven’t communicated that well. Part of the reason for that is that we had seen each other much more often than we have the past week, so the reconnection was there to mitigate the lack of communication.  Again. Perfect storm. Until recently, the in personal connection was there to make up for the lack of connection in between.

Wednesday, we reconnected in all the right ways.  We talked. Really talked. Caught up. He understood what was going on in my life that caused me to respond rather bluntly to him.  He informed me that he was having a rather challenging conversation with his wife the same night he told me he wanted alone time.  He went to bed early unable to sleep because both the women he loves were angry at him.  This just made me feel bad for him.  Because he’s that amazing that even when I’m justified in being angry with him, I can’t be.  We communicated several of the things that we should have communicated earlier.  But I left a lot unsaid.  Today, I decided that it was high time I ask for what I need.  More communication. More connection.  If we are going to see each other less, I need to be in contact via text more.  We’re going to talk more on Saturday, but I’m happy that I asked for what I need from D.

During this shit storm of confusion with D, A has been busy as fuck.  I miss him terribly. Not specifically that he isn’t available now, but that I miss the simplicity of the relationship we started in January.  That being said, I would never change where we have taken our relationship or where we are headed, even if where that is is to be determined.  He read my most recent post and in response, I received one of the most amazing emails from him.  One that made me feel valued and cared for and just a little bit sexy too.  It was everything I needed in the moment.  The fact that he has so much on his plate, but he cared enough to spend a morning composing an email designed to cheer me up didn’t go unnoticed.  The email itself was amazing. It made my heart skip beats and my face blush, and my mood change.  I’m pretty sure that the third was the purpose of it.  In any case, the thought of it still makes me smile.

There’s the unique dichotomy with A.  There’s this man who comes to me, completely himself, and receives nothing but acceptance.  The reality is, the cocky asshole he can be last presented himself to me at our first date in November.  That weird first date where the connection couldn’t have been more obvious, but the arguments against us lined up at the door perfectly. That version of A is the public version of him.  There’s a lot more to that version, but truthfully, I don’t really know it. I’ve been out with him in a large group a grand total of once.  I just know it exists and that the A I get is more raw.  He’s stripped of the external persona, the professional and social image he needs to keep, and he’s just my boyfriend who enjoys time with me, his super nerdy, quite kinky, never-gets-a-pop-culture-reference, likes to drink, and occasionally use big words while boring him with random science facts, girlfriend.

I don’t know where I was going with that.  My life is just what it is right now.  There’s a lot of stress in my life. There’s a lot of stress in my men’s lives.  The chances to reconnect are limited, and this is hard on me, and while they haven’t said so in so many words, I know it’s hard on them too.  But damn, when we are together?  It’s amazing.  Like the world stops to exist for a time and it’s just us.  If only the world would stop for a little longer once in awhile.