My first guest post: C explains his thoughts on love

C is the boyfriend of my husband’s girlfriend (say that 3 times fast!).  We decided to not pursue a romantic relationship.  Maybe we will one day.  Who knows?  In the meantime, we developed a friendship that has since been slowed down due to complications in his life. This makes me sad, but I’m hopeful that one day I will have him back in my corner.

He and I have very different views on expressing love. I’m very free with my love.  I express it and relish in it.  He is more selective.  We have had many a discussion about it.  He wrote the following in an email to me, and I loved it and asked him if I could publish it here.  It’s so different from how I feel.  But it’s amazing, and such a great insight into his soul.

When I was 7 years old I came to the conclusion that a solid and a liquid and a gas were all the exact same, the only difference is how close the molecules were. I quickly started to think I could walk through walls because all it really took was for me to slide in between the cracks, after all they were only bonded by relationships…so I began to try.  To this day I see every relationship like a solid, liquid or a gas.  Tight and well bonded, have various levels of strength such as wood or jello, liquid, mouldable, easily broken, easily fixed and very critical to human life and gas relationships.  Gas relationships were the most interesting to me because I was, in my mind and in truth I suppose from a perspective, always walking through a solid.  As I walked down the street I would simply be parting molecules with my mass.  Air is as dense as wood in molecules, they are just multiple molecules filling the space and non-bonded.  It became clear that the relationship, the bond, was the most important part of all human life and all relationships have been identified in that way for me ever since. This is the foundation to my Love model. Like your model which uses squares to denote space and infinite ability to make more space but fill the whole, mine is based on it already being jammed full, and the bond being the identifying difference between walking through walls to hurting your head trying.

Of course everything in life is a selfish act. Even our greatest love or sacrifice for another – jumping off a cliff for them, is a selfish act otherwise we would never do it.  We at the core either do what we do to bring us more happiness or less sadness and that is simple…the foundation of my life, as a giver, means more happiness or less sadness comes directly from bringing more happiness or less sadness to others. This is how I end up in binds with friends like my stalker, who clearly took my interest in her happiness as “forever and impossible to live without.”  But there are far more details to that story then belong here.

Some operate very differently, they are less worried about others and more focused on themselves, this is sometimes seen as bad in society, but societies change and evolve and change from country border to the sub-cultures that make up the creamy middle of a country.  So to say selfish is bad is to say the love of success is bad, or privacy is bad or any value is bad – values never are bad, they come from somewhere and they add to happiness or reduce sadness.  That is their very purpose, to help us navigate the happiness-sadness complexity.

So back to the point, love is a selfish act, it has to be by definition and as such, how we perceive the happiness of those we love or want to love directly effects our happiness, making communication a critical element of anything, because how else will we know – after all love has never be known for being clear and transparent and it is a complex emotion and it is one of those things that can make water feel like a solid when it is not.  It is a word that most want to believe in, and in most cases blind faith. So there are two issues – one we all communicate differently, one persons garage sale is another dream sale. I am a doer and by definition I put a lot of emphasis on my love language of time and touch.   Critical element number 2 – and here is the rub…I don’t want to be a guy.  Well I do and I like it and it suites me well so I won’t be changing anytime soon. And I especially like being the guy I am and a giver and a pleaser and all that great stuff in regular life as well in all aspects – sexual included. But guys in general give guys like me a bad name.  They use words like love, dedication, beautiful, need you, long for you and other such tender and passionate comments to chase a primal need – and then they leave.  Conversely I use these words sparingly. It is painful to have a relationship not work out and then for the other person to say, “but you said you love me?”  Because in that moment you have tainted the next person who actually does love then, you built a wall for them, you dug a mote around someone else heart and made it that much more difficult to find happiness next time.

Of course the opposite is true, what about all the joy that they can feel before that if you just said I love you more readily?  By being told they are loved, revered, need you, long for you – to be wanted by someone who you want is pretty amazing right?  This is where it all comes together…we have those who feel love is worth the pain and those who do not.  Those who do espouse it and say it more casually, not because it is not true but because the feeling as defined by love is worth the swim across the mote, it is worth the pain of possibly it not being forever or not even true!  And it is worth the risk of the other persons heart as well.  Then there is my side, the side that feels Love is a weapon that can destroy lives and does more damage than good, like nuclear power, it can create Chernobyl if it is not used very carefully.  The side that is not willing to risk the other persons heart until they are sure they can protect it.  That is me, a lesson learned from enough Chernobyls and it is not bad or good, it is just is.  it is what makes up some of the world and we still keep moving on – not losing anything more or less than those who say “I love you” with ease. Just different because at the core we are all pushing our way through molecules, developing bonds and adding happiness or stopping sadness.

The only difference is the timing and emphasis.  When I say “I love you” to someone they will say in their mind or out loud – “holy smokes he never says” that and in that way I create an impact, an event – it is the marketer in me perhaps. But it is known that it is true.  No less true then someone who says it frequently or early in a relationship, because truth and timing are not reliant upon each other – but accuracy and confidence is. It is not, of course, that I don’t love them before hand, before saying it I demonstrate it, I display it, I showcase it…but the words, hold for me the highest level of commitment and perhaps escape.

Anyway there is my approach, not set in stone or light as gas, just the way I am, and I really do love the way I am – for better or worse! That’s the power of love.

There you go.  C’s take on love.  So different than mine.  But right for him.

Two out of three ain’t bad????

I think I alluded to the fact that hubby has been prioritizing his girlfriend over me or at least that’s the way I feel, and it hurts.  Today, we had that date day I mentioned. The one where he tried to go see his girlfriend. The one that she already had plans by the time he came back to her with an answer.  So really, he was prioritizing her, while she was not prioritizing him.  (And there’s a really good reason for it, and I understand it, and it’s OK, but that part is not my story to tell).

Our date day started with a trip to our marriage counsellor.  When we decided to embark on a life embracing polyamory, we booked a counsellor in a proactive way, to make sure we were prepared for what we were about to do.  We’ve seen her a couple times and loved her.  The first time we saw her, we were in a really good place, hubby was still dating his first girlfriend, and I was still with X, and we were both in love.  The second time we saw her, hubby’s relationship with his first girlfriend had imploded, I had been awful to him, we had discussed things, and thought we’d made up.  I had also just broken up with X, maybe four days before.  I was miserable and heartbroken and cried my way through the session.  Hubby and I thought we were over the awfulness that followed his breakup with his first girlfriend, and hardly touched on it.

Then D’s wife called things off with hubby, and all hell broke loose.  He was overly sensitive to things I was saying and overreacted to everything. It’s pretty obvious now that he wasn’t over the awfulness that was his post-breakup days with his first poly girlfriend.  Everything turned awful.  Horrible, really, and hasn’t been the same since.  We have been fighting a lot.  So much anger and hurt and awfulness has filled our house.

At the marriage counselor this morning, the worst came out.  We were arguing and awful to each other and not listening.  She reset us, to a point.  We have so much hurt and anger and resentment going on.  I had actual physical pain today because of how heartbroken I am.  It was bad.  We both acknowledged that we are hurt, we both want to forgive each other and receive forgiveness, we are both trying our best, and we both love each other.

I thought we were on the path tonight to where we needed to be.

We are having our Christmas celebration tomorrow.  We were watching a movie and wrapping presents and drinking wine before we were planning on having some intimate time.  It was so nice and normal, and we were joking around like we normally do, when we haven’t fought for a month straight and are hurting.

Then his girlfriend texted saying he could come over.  He asked if he could, knowing how it would hurt me.  He knew I didn’t want him to.  He huffed and grumbled and made it very obvious that he wasn’t going to be happy staying at home with me.  So, I took one for the team.  I sent him on his way to visit her.  Because in this situation, all three of us could be unhappy, or the two of them could be happy while I was miserable.

So miserable I am.  Feeling rejected, deprioritized, disposable, and unwanted.  Polyagony, right here.  Unloved and unhappy.

It’s not deep or meaningful, it’s just an update

I have rekindled a bit of a relationship with B.  It’s going well, we are enjoying talking again, and moving at a much slower pace than before.  It’s good, but his wife is having a hard time with the amount of time he spent with her while he was dating me properly and they are in the midst of an argument about the fact that she is feeling unloved and unprioritized.  I advised him that if she has a problem with him having a relationship with me now, that I lost the right to ask for support of my relationship with him from his other partners when I broke up with him, and he should prioritize them and not pursue anything with me.

It’s strange giving relationship advice to someone I am involved with.  It’s good, but strange.  I suggested to him that his marriage is more important than me, and he needs to fix things at home before we do anything other than talk in the future.  We’ll see if it goes anywhere.  He did message me to thank me for the support today, and that was nice.  I’m glad I can be a positive influence after the hurt I caused him.

At home, hubby and I seem to be jumping hurdles on a daily basis.  Unfortunately, we don’t seem to successfully jump them on the first try. Seems that we tie our legs together and then wonder why we crash through the hurdle.  We need to get better at that.

Most recently, hubby came home asking to spend a couple hours on either our date day that we have planned or on Christmas eve (which is when we are doing family Christmas) so he could spend some time with his girlfriend.  She is going away for four days and when she returns, they will be going on an overnight date.  I am currently at the end of three solo parenting days in a row, and tomorrow will be another.  Hubby works the four days before his overnight date, including Christmas. He’s spent more time with her in the last week than he has with me since September.

I’m disappointed that he even asked.  I get that he’s all NRE’d up and wants to spend every second with her, in fact, I feel the same way about D.  But I’m able to recognize that that’s not what we should be doing.  My feelings are hurt.  I feel unprioritized and second in line.  I feel less loved.  I feel like she is shiny and new and that it’s just a little too easy for him to cast me aside in favour of spending time with her.

Trying to explain how I felt went over poorly.  Hubby got defensive an angry and attacked.  He should have appealed to my love of him and desire for him to be happy and expressed in big boy words what he needed out of the situation.  He didn’t.  Fortunately for him, I talked to the amazingly talented C, who gave me great advice.  So, because I love hubby, and I want him to be happy, I told him to go see his girlfriend in the middle of our date.

In the meantime, she made plans with her other boyfriend, who also happens to be the same C as in the previous paragraph.  So, now hubby is mad at me because I talked to C about my issues with him asking me for time to spend with his girlfriend on our date day.  C gave great advice and didn’t break any trusts.  Honestly, hubby’s girlfriend didn’t make him a priority.  And a word of advice, when your hubby’s girlfriend doesn’t make him a priority, you shouldn’t state that fact out loud. Yikes!

The next days, hubby and I get to spend together. I’m so excited. Getting things back on track is going to be awesome. I love him, and want to work it out now. I want our awesome back.

In the meantime, I reopened my OKCupid account and am talking to a couple guys. I’m no longer looking for anything, but if the right guy comes along, that may change.

I miss D. A lot. He’s on vacation and gone for 2 weeks. Turns out he means even more than I thought. Because damn is it hard to just text. But we’re solid. And that’s good.

A life worth living

The last couple weeks have been a bit crazy and off the wall for me.  I keep saying “My life is WEIRD!”  Truthfully, I guess to the societal norm-loving world, it is, but to me, *Weird* means that I am exploring opportunities, being true to myself, and living a life of authenticity and freedom.  Weird is good.

It’s the holiday season, and with it comes a boyfriend who is away in Mexico at a swingers club.  D is having a much deserved break from life in paradise with his wife.  I’m seriously hoping he ends up hooking up with someone there, just so I can hear about it.  Turns out that jealousy isn’t really something I do.  It probably will happen at some time, but right now, it’s all about the compersion.

In the two weeks leading up to D going away, we smuggled every moment we could together. As my work wound down for the end of year, I was able to get away to have lunch with him, or just a quick (not at all quick) kiss in the car.  On the day he left for Mexico, I drove over an hour round trip to give him a kiss goodbye.  We met for 15 minutes.  Totally romantic.  I don’t do romantic well, but it just seems to come naturally with him.  One of the more romantic things I did was book a babysitter just in case he had time to meet up with me on the day that he was packing to go away. It was a genius idea, we went to a pub near where I work and had an amazing corner table to ourselves and we laughed and talked and connected in the most amazing way.  Time is so fun with him.  It’s easy and happy and wonderful.  I’m totally in love.

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The flip side to this is that I broke up with B last Sunday.  This requires so much back story, hopefully I can get it out coherently.  We work very near to each other, so we met for lunch one day.  During the meal, I had a realization hit me like a ton of bricks.  The man I was in love with was the man I knew online, in text, and there were so many things I didn’t know about the man sitting across from me.  His mannerisms, word choices, intonation, facial expressions, everything was foreign to me.  The dichotomy of being in love with him and *not feeling it* was something I couldn’t reconcile.

The problem is, that I know this now.  If I had known it then, I could have talked to him about it, worked it out, insisted on spending more time with him in person where we weren’t naked and not talking, but all I know is that I didn’t love the man sitting across from me.  Three hard days of thinking had me deciding to break up with him.  How could I continue a relationship with him when he was in love with me and I wasn’t in love with him?

I broke up with him in an email because I couldn’t see a situation where we would have the conversation in person that would work.  It was a chicken shit move.  A lot was lost in translation.  He responded graciously and kindly.  I didn’t respond immediately, because I wanted to give him time to process.

Four days later, I sent him a message titled “Checking in”.  We started a dialogue and have discussed an enormous amount of stuff surrounding our break up.  When we started talking again, I still wasn’t fully understanding my change of heart.  Through talking and his questioning, I figured out what I said above.  He clarified my words that I couldn’t get out properly, to explain things back to me, in the most amazing way:

“What I’m seeing is that the picture of me that you had based on our communication in email ended up differing from the me that you encountered in person. It sounds like you consciously or unconsciously filled in the details to flesh out the picture of me that you got from our email conversations, both before and after we met in person. After we started spending more time in physical proximity, there was a discontinuity between the person you thought you knew from our textual relationship and the person you were getting to know in person, the flesh and blood me instead of only my thoughts and feelings as expressed in high contrast text on a screen. As you had formed an emotional attachment with the virtual me, when the actual me wasn’t the same, you couldn’t reconcile between the two.”

With this amazing perspective, the realization of how I fucked up hit me like a ton of bricks.  I could have just talked to him.  We could have worked it out.  But I made my bed, so now I lie in it.  I am angry at myself for my complete failure at self-awareness.  For not understanding myself in such an important place to understand myself. Fortunately, we both loved our sexual connection and both want to remain friends, so we’re working out how to transition from a romantic relationship to a friends with benefits situation.  It’s great to be talking to him again.

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Last night, I went out for one of my poly friend’s birthdays.  I got super drunk.  She left with her boyfriend and left me responsible for getting her husband back to her hotel.  I ended up kissing her husband and insisting that if it were to happen again that he needs to talk to his wife and make sure she is OK with it.  I’m completely unwilling to lose her friendship in pursuit of another relationship.  I haven’t heard anything from either of them today, but we’ll see what the future holds.  I’m sure it will all work out somehow.

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Hubby and I are finally back on track after our worst fight ever.  We talked it out.  Really talked it out after an enormous screaming fight a few days ago.  We’re healing and communicating and loving each other again.  It’s good.

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The ups and downs of this post just show the reality of a life worth living.  I wouldn’t change any of this for the world.

Perfect love

I’m a strong, independent, and opinionated woman. It’s not often that I cry and talking about emotions while I’m going through them is a no go. I’m just not good at it. I don’t do romance well. I feel it. I could roll around naked in the amazing feeling of being in love or in the incredible feeling of having a man who is so into me that I lose myself in him and he in me, or the remarkable feeling of being so comfortable with someone that even in complete silence, you are utterly happy, but show that love? I’m not really that great at that.

I’ve been hearing for years about the book called “Love Languages”. Not long ago, I took the quiz online, and I had equally strong scores for “quality time” and “touch”.  This was no shock to me.  Even more, the fact that “gifts” were so low on my list, was the most obvious.  I don’t care about things. I care about spending time with the people I love and I naturally just reach out to touch them. This happens easily for me.  I rub my hands through my children’s hair, hug them, kiss them, and tickle them.  I will smack my hubby on the ass as I walk by him.  I’ll run my hands up and down D’s neck, because I know he likes it.  B is big on touch too, so we spend a lot of time cuddling.  It all just works.

But talking about it?  Nope.  I’m not good at anything more than saying “I love you”.  However, I’ve found that this polyamory thing necessitates putting words to the romance that I normally show via touch and quality time, because there is a limit to how much touch and quality time one can have when one has three partners, four kids, two jobs, and a bit of a life!  Last week, D and I expressed our love for each other for the first time.  We had the most amazing “clothes on” date.  It’s incredible to me that the perfect date involved us going to IKEA, dinner at his favourite pub, a walk in the freezing cold, and a tea to warm up, but it did.  Now, the trip to IKEA was to get sheets and pillows for me to have at his place.  This really means a poly form of commitment – I’m going to be there enough to need sheets to go on and off his bed. That’s a good thing!  The dinner at his favourite pub was awesome. We shared a bunch of appetizers and chatted and kissed and it was like we were alone in the world.  It was amazing.  I think I was spotted by one of my coworkers from my second job, which could be problematic, but, in truth, I don’t really care.  I am so happy with my choices, I’m OK to share them with the world!  We then went for a walk and it was soooooooo cold! But we stopped and kissed and talked and just enjoyed each other.  We warmed up over tea and watched the world go by out the window.  It all sounds so simple.  It’s hard to demonstrate the romance in it.  It was by far the best date I’ve ever had.  I think this is because we have so much fun together and the love we feel surrounds us no matter what we do.  It’s amazing.

At the end of our night, we were kissing goodbye in his front entrance, because I had come to his place and spent time with his wife while waiting for him to get home from work and then we took his car. (The time with his wife was hilarious.  She says: “Just in case you are wondering, I get the first kiss, then you.” Me: “Good to know the rules, that one makes sense to me.”  Her (laughing): “Totally kidding, he was saying it would be hard to figure out who to kiss first, I guess, wife, girlfriend, then wife’s partner…..”)

So, we kissed goodbye for longer than we normally do. I’m sure we both felt the unsaid words in the air.  At one point, he whispered something, and I didn’t hear what he said, so I stopped kissing him and asked what he said.  He said “Goodnight my love” and then quickly added “I hope that’s OK?”  I kissed him and said “Yes, I’m there too.”  We kissed more.  Then, in the midst of an amazingly close hug, I whispered in his ear, “I love you”.  He whispered it back and kissed me.  Then I left, because that’s just the perfect way to end a date.

The day after our perfect date, I sent the following email to D.  I couldn’t get him out of my mind, or the happiness I felt at how lovely it was, and I realized that I should share my happiness with him.

I’m feeling sappy and romantic and full of all the good feelings today.  Last night was amazing.  I’m not sure how the perfect date ended up including going to IKEA and a freezing cold walk, but it was by far the best date I’ve ever had.  I think it’s because we just have so much fun together and connect so well that it doesn’t really matter what we are doing, but for my part it just felt so *right*.  I love being with you, talking to you, learning more about you.  Uncovering the many layers of “D”. 😉  

When “your wife” called things off with “Hubby”, that’s when I realized that the intense attraction I had to you had developed into more than just that initial connection I felt for you. (I told “my person” that I was in lust with you!)  Nothing like a little fear to bring up the truth of your emotions.  Then when you left that Sunday evening, and it had been so amazing, I was sure.  

And that’s when you became really important to me.  When I realized I needed to tell you about what was going on with “Hubby” even though someone you love is also involved.  When I realized I had to share a little more of my vulnerable and imperfect side so you could truly get me.  And then you responded in such an amazing and loving way.  I couldn’t have asked for better.

Maybe last night was perfect because the love was just everywhere in everything we did?  I don’t know.  But my heart was pounding as I kissed you at the front door and knew so completely how I was feeling but was scared to say it.  And then we did.  And that moment, like nearly all of our other ones, was perfect too.  The most perfect first kiss, the most perfect first sex, and the most perfect first “I love you”.  

I’m so excited to see what the future will bring us.  I’m so incredibly thankful that I have in my life.

I love you.

He responded that he didn’t have words and that he loves me too.

We love each other.

The good (FANTASTIC) and the bad (HORRIFIC)

Well, it’s been long enough since my last post that I had to read it to remember what I had posted about.  There have been so many amazing developments and interesting twists and turns that I don’t know where to start.  So let’s start with the good, and go with the alphabetical order I have chosen to give the four men I have dated and the two I continue to date.

You will recall that while A and I had a nice chat, the romantic connection wasn’t there.  I don’t think I mentioned that A’s wife is D’s wife’s best friend.  It was a little bit of comedic awkwardness on our date when we figured the connection out.  I didn’t expect to hear from A, but then the other day I received an email, apologizing for taking so long to respond and explaining that he didn’t feel a romantic connection but really enjoyed talking to me and would love to get together over wine and chat again.  So we are solidly in the friend zone and I’m excited to go for wine with him next week.  I doubt he’ll come up here again.

I’ve fallen in love with B.  Totally and completely.  He is just lovely and wonderful in everyway.  He is caring and kind and loving and pushes all my buttons in amazing ways.  We have great sex and we have great communication.  We can lay in each other’s arms for hours at a time and be happy and we can close down a restaurant while we hold hands and chat non-stop like the world doesn’t exist around us.  We don’t see each other enough, but that’s just a reality of our lives.  But it’s really wonderful.

Shortly after my last post, C and I had a rather direct conversation back and forth via email, and decided together that dating wasn’t the thing for us and that we’d check the friend box.  Honestly, my dance card is pretty full and I don’t want to spread myself too thin (insert spreading joke here).  C’s life is a disaster, he is just too busy with real life crazy drama for another woman and is having a hard time managing the two he has.  Hubby is dating one of his partners and that seems to be going well.  If C sorts out his stuff and is still interested in me, we may make a go of dating next summer.  In the meantime, we are becoming fast friends and really enjoying each other’s company.

I’ve also fallen in love with D.  I haven’t informed him yet, but I’m there.  There are just so many things I love about him.  He is kind and fun and honest and sexy and great in bed and cuddly and just generally a lovely person.  Hubby was dating his wife. Last weekend we all went out together.  I really like his wife and am very excited to become her friend.  I love how open and honest she is and how happy she is that D is happy with me.  She makes it easy for us to be together and I really appreciate her.  We are developing our own friendship apart from our husbands and that is awesome.  On our double date, it was really cool to be rubbing legs with Hubby under that table and holding hands with D at the same time.  We went to a sex show (trade show with vendors, performers, and presentations).  D and I spent the night walking around holding hands, kissing, looking at sex toys, and listening to presentations.  It was an amazing time.  Among the funniest things that happened was when I kissed D goodbye and Hubby kissed D’s wife goodbye and then we traded partners and left with our spouses.  There were a few people watching and the looks on their faces were priceless.

Unfortunately, the joy of that night was dampened by the fact that D’s wife called it off with Hubby the next day.  She said she really enjoyed spending time with him, but the romantic connection wasn’t really there.  Hubby was doing really well with it all, but has sort of gone off the deep end the last few days (Hubby, if you’re reading this, you know it’s true, and I’m not throwing you under the bus, just talking about what I’m going through).

What this requires is a bit of backstory.  When Hubby broke up with his first poly girlfriend, he was having a hard time.  One night, in a perfect storm of awfulness, I was really cruel to him.  Mean. I crushed him and said some awful things.  I could go into the details of how it happened, and while what led up to it wasn’t my fault, but I need to own that I hurt him.  I’m not sure I will ever recover completely from the emotional hurt that I feel after the emotional pain I caused him.

I was determined that this time would be different.  If I’m honest, I’ve been pretty damn great all around.  But Hubby doesn’t agree.  He’s called me unsupportive and narcissistic and accused me of prioritizing B and D over him.  He’s thrown the fact that we are sexually involved in my face and he’s attacked me for everything I’ve said.  When I’ve apologized and said he misunderstood, he attacks more.  Yesterday, it reach a horrible place.  He told me I “was less useful to him than a sharps container at the hospital.  That was full of HIV.  At least that container served a purpose in his life.”

This is not normal behaviour for hubby.  He has never treated me this badly before.  If he had, we wouldn’t be together.  I responded that what he was doing was abusive and cruel an that it was completely unacceptable and that I refused to let him treat me that way and use me as a punching bag.  I’ve had to repeat this a few times and remind him that he owes me an apology.  He keeps talking about how funny his “joke” was.  The fact that anyone thinks a joke like that is funny is beyond me.  The fact that he is defending it as funny after he said it to his wife, a person he is supposed to love deeply, is completely awful.  I have never been treated so intentionally cruelly.  I am hurt beyond measure.  I am so disappointed that someone I love would treat me this way.  I am angry that anyone would think that behaving like that is acceptable, especially to someone he loves.

He still thinks I’ve wronged him.  I don’t know when he will wake up and realize how awful he’s been to me.  I don’t know if he will.  I have a hard time staying mad at people, and I hope I don’t lose sight of the fact that he’s done something so awful that he owes me an apology for.

I shared my conversation with Hubby with my new person, K.  I work with K.  She is so amazing in every way.  I also shared my conversation with B.  I told D about it.  All of them reacted very strongly to it.  A visceral response. They were hurt and angry and protective of me.  I had secretly hoped that they would find something I did that was awful to justify why hubby responded the way he did, but they didn’t.  But what they did do was listen to me. Support me.  And love me when I was feeling rather unloved by someone I’ve built a life with.

B pointed out that the communication necessary in polyamory often exposes the cracks in the relationship foundation.  I wonder if this situation is an example of that.  I know hubby is hurting.  I know he’s not thinking rationally.  I know he’s hurting me because I hurt him before.  I know I’m his safe place and he is lashing out because he feels he can here.  None of these things are OK, but they do explain a lot of his behaviour.  I just hope he wakes up and realizes that he can’t criticize me for not supporting him when he is pushing me away through cruelty.

One of the weirdest things in this is that it’s not the all or nothing of monogamy.  This argument doesn’t encompass my whole life.  I am furious with hubby and thrilled with B and D at the same time.  And that, that right there, is amazing.  No matter what, polyamory was the best decision we could make for me.

Living Life and Loving it

Well, the last couple weeks have been a whirlwind of complete and total awesomeness.  There is no other way to describe it.  From my original post on Fetlife, I’ve had so many guys contact me.  A couple have been really interesting to talk to. In particular, this amazing guy has been answering all and any of my questions about BDSM, and has been utterly patient and kind to me.  I ask a lot of questions, I’m worse than a 5-year-old asking “Why? Why? Why?”, so this is saying a lot.  My curiousity has been piqued, and when I asked him how a dom/sub relationship would fit into a polyamorous dating model, he couldn’t answer.  Instead, he asked the most amazing question: “How would the others you are dating feel about you being in a Dom/Sub relationship?”  That is when I realized that I really needed to talk to hubby about all this, and now I’m just having to make time for that.

So, when I started this blog, I decided to call the guy from my first breakup “X”.  This made sense: “X” as in “ex”.  Now I need more letters, and I’m having a hard time figuring out which ones to use. So, in order of the dates I went on, I’ll talk about A, B, C, and D.  These are not letter grades in any way, they are just in order of timeline.

I met three guys who I thought were worth talking to on OKCupid.  After about 60 hours on OKCupid, I was tired of the rather low quality and high quantity of messages I was getting, so decided to create another email address and start talking to these guys there. One thing I really learned about online dating in the polyamory community?  It’s a woman’s market and the good apples float to the top!

My first date was last Friday. A week ago.  It officially doubled the amount of dates I had in my life.  By date, I mean the type of life event where a guy asks a girl out, they go out and do something, they kiss at the end and the date is over.  I’ve since had 2-3 more, depending on definition. I’ll explain that later.

So, my date on Friday we will call “A”.  He was nice.  Fun to talk to.  A was a little cocky and dressed way better than any man I’ve ever met. One of his favourite things to do was shop.  We had fun. It was a good chat.  I knew about halfway through the date that while we were having a good time chatting, the connection wasn’t there, and it was unlikely we would have a second date.  But it was fun and worth doing.  The date ended with a nice hug and that was it.  He sent me a nice email that night thanking me for the date and saying I was lovely, and I returned a similar message back.  All in all, not a disaster and not a success.  I was encouraged that I made it through without saying anything really stupid or fumbling up big. I’m a bit accident prone and thrilled that I didn’t spill my red wine on his expensive suit!

My next date, with “B”, was on Monday.  B and I hit it off from the start. We had a great conversation and enjoyed our wine. Four hours passed in the blink of an eye, with no pause in conversation.  I intentionally slid closer to him so our legs touched.  He walked me to my car and asked to kiss me goodnight.  It was an amazing first kiss.  We have chatted non-stop via email and text, and he came over on Thursday night. I saw a lot more of him that night.

On Wednesday morning, I went out for a walk near where I work with “C”.  C, unlike the others, I met at a party we went to on Halloween.  We walked and chatted and had a great time.  He’s really easy to talk to and really fun.  I have no idea still if he thinks it was a date or not, but either way, I enjoyed it immensely.  He and I both have similar education levels and enjoy our rather dry senses of humour. The conversation just flowed with lots of joking back and forth.  The “not sure it was a date” ended with a hug and a lot of joking and that was it.  I got an email not long after and I gave him my personal email and we’ve been chatting back and forth with one liners since then.  There’s a lot of innuendo and while I’m unsure of his interest in me, I’m really enjoying the creative flirting and the fun it is being around him.  I’m starting to think he’s interested in me, but I’m not certain for sure. And this is OK.  Hubby is dating one of his partners and I think it would be very convenient if we dated too.  We have a breakfast date for a couple weeks from now and we’ll see what happens then.  In the meantime, the email conversation is fun and flirty and I’m really enjoying everything about it.

Finally, on Thursday at lunch, I went out with D.  D and I hit it off from moment #1.  I was so looking forward to this date and I was not disappointed.  He’s amazing and fun.  He makes me laugh while also thinking deeply and caring about politics and children and everything else under the sun.  He has an amazing beard, which I find sexy as hell and gets this look in his eyes that makes him almost irresistible.  And damn, he smells good.  He is really tall, and as a tall woman, I was able to wear my heeled boots to our date. The kiss that ended the date was the best first kiss I’ve ever had and the next day he apologized for it being awkward because he’d never kissed a girl as tall as me before.  I just laughed and responded that if that was awkward, I can’t wait to see amazing.

Hubby is also dating D’s wife. So, on Saturday, they took the kids to the zoo and I went over to D’s for some quality time.  The time was very high quality and I can’t wait to see him again.

Just like that, I narrowed my search for partners again.  I found two people I really want to develop relationships with, who want to develop relationships with me. They are amazing communicators, authentic, and check all my boxes and push all the right buttons.  I have a third person who is going to be worth taking a bit of time to get to know.

What this last two weeks has taught me is all the things that were really wrong with my relationship with X.  He guided my hand to the deep end of the pool by introducing me to the concept of polyamory.  Then I decided I wanted to jump in and prepared my life to do it.  So we jumped in with two feet.  But he forgot to take his girlfriend’s hand and guide her along too.  Maybe she wasn’t ready to swim.  She was certainly afraid of the water.  So, instead of treading water with me and working through challenges like poly people do, he left me in the water to drown while trying to convince her to come in.  Eventually, I figured out how to climb back out of that pool and dove in again later myself and found several people to swim with me.

The men in my life that are swimming with me are understanding, kind, supportive, and loving people. They have understanding, kind, supportive, and loving wives or partners.  I’m in contact and even friends with 2 of 3 of partners of my partners.  I’ve already met one and the other I’ll meet in person next weekend.  There’s a lot of interesting a fun experiences coming and undoubtedly some challenges.  But the thing about these challenges is that everyone involved knows what’s going on, wants what’s going on, and supports each other. You can’t experiment with polyamory, like X did, you have to live it.

My life is amazing and I am living it.