Part 1: When the hot foursome outdoes the hot threesome!

My life just keeps getting more and more interesting.  After U showed her hubby (who I’ll call “Z”), the videos taken of our super hot threesome, he messaged me telling me that my blow job face was sultry and asking if we’d be interested in a foursome.  What followed was a week of flirting over messenger and planning for a date last night.  We started a group chat and talked about rules and desires and everything in between.  It was pretty great actually and I spent the entire week turned on and anticipating what was coming this weekend.

I worked a night shift Friday night at my second job, slept Saturday away, and woke up mid-afternoon with nothing but anticipation of the night to come on my mind.  I knew that many of my fantasies were going to be fulfilled, but I was a little nervous about sex with a new partner.  I was especially nervous knowing that Z is also a dom, he’s U’s dom, and that in our foursome, U and I would be the submissives of both A and Z.  I have a complete and total trust for A, we’ve ventured down the rabbit hole together and he knows me so well.  But Z?  Z was a complete unknown to me.  What if he was too aggressive? What if he was too demeaning? (One of my soft limits – I don’t deal well with humiliation and demeaning).  What if everything got awkward, and all the hot of the previous weekend disappears?

Well, it was equally as comfortable as the threesome was.  We got there early enough that we had time for some drinks in their kitchen while we were waiting for kids to fall asleep, and joked and laughed and it was clear pretty quickly that A and Z would get along just fine, and as Z brushed past me in the kitchen, he spent longer and longer rubbing against me until he reached up my skirt and I started rubbing the front of his jeans.  U and I joked last weekend that we both stopped and put our hair up (I get the BEST ‘just got fucked’ hair, and sometimes it’s a little ridiculous,  so I started making sure I had a hair tie handy, and apparently she does too!), before anything happened with A.  So, to start things, she said “Is it time to put our hair up yet?”  I have no doubt that this is going to be our code phrase moving forward!

We moved to the bedroom and things just escalated.  Watching A tie up U while Z established his dominance over me was hot as fuck.  A and Z spitroasting me while U was tied up and forced to watch?  Amazing.  Sucking off A while U licked me and Z fucked her?  Unbelievable.  There were so many fantasies that were realized last night that I may have to come up with whole new ones!  It was incredible.  There were three highlights of the night for me.  The first was having a man fucking me while the other fucked my face.  The second was giving Z head while U was giving A head.  I worked Z well, because he had amazingly easy to read reactions, so I knew when he was getting close and could slow down and delay things (Edging is fun!).  I looked up once, saw Z watching me and that just made me hotter.  Then I looked over at A, and realized that he was watching me.  We caught each other’s eyes and I smiled with my mouth full of cock.  I realized that while I was pleasuring Z, I was also entertaining A.  Basically, he was watching live porn while getting sucked off.  A and I made eye contact at least three times during those simultaneous blow jobs.  Each time I felt like we were connected though apart. I love finishing a guy off and I finally let Z cum in my mouth.  As soon as I finished him off, I moved over to help U with A.  A loves two women sucking his cock, and I love to oblige his fantasies and turn him on as much as possible. He didn’t cum, but it was safe to say he enjoyed himself immensely.

We ended up cuddling and chatting, me with A and U and Z.  All together, but our separate couple units.  A checked in with me, making sure I was OK, holding me, and making me feel safe and loved and secure.  I asked him to take me home and continue what we started there and he obliged.  

On the way home, we debriefed a bit. Both of us were happy with how things went, although A would have like to fuck U and I would have liked to have Z fuck me.  We discussed the parameters where we would do it again and how we felt about everything.  We laughed about how the adventure of our relationship has developed and once again about how A sent me a rejection letter once. (More on this in part 2!)

The third favourite thing of the night was being alone in my bed with A.  Getting him all to myself.  Sucking him hard and then having him fuck me hard and use me as he wished.  Then him rolling off of me and challenging me to finish him off.  I did.  We took hot pictures.  And when he came, my normal very quiet boyfriend made the sexiest sounds ever, and filled my mouth with the largest load I’ve ever swallowed.

Where do we go from here?  We do it again.  We have another date set for the four of us in a couple weeks.  I’ve wanted more of what A offers me in the bedroom for quite a while.  The fact is that I have started to crave the control he has over me.  I have started to need submission and find it hard to go a whole week in between.  I find that my vanilla partners, while amazing in their own right, can’t do everything for me sexually that I need.  I’ve wanted a second dom for a while, to bridge the gap between times I see A.  (Truly, I want another date with A every week, but he doesn’t have the time to give me.)  So, I messaged U today and asked her if they would be interested in playing with me alone when A was unavailable.  The response?  “Totally!”  So, it looks like I’ll be a unicorn in my own right starting in the near future.  I’m not sure where we will take this. Will it be an awesome sexy FWB situation where we are just great friends that fuck?  Will we end up dating? Will we be dating as a couple or will I be dating them and bring my A in whenever I can?  I don’t know.  I’m not sure I care.  I’m so happy to have amazing friends like U, who can be my best friend who I can fuck and talk about kids with and talk about sex with and talk about other partners with and talk about feelings with and it’s never weird.  I already love her, what happens next doesn’t scare me at all.  I’m still unable to do casual sex, but it turns out that I’m able to blur the line between friendship and sex just a little!


10 things I learned this week

  1. When your friend asks your boyfriend for a one-on-one date after a hot threesome, you might have some feelings on the matter.  It may surprise you that it is not jealousy – the idea of them having sex is hot to you  – it’s the fact that he already doesn’t have that much time for you to begin with, you don’t want to lose more time with him.  He responds in the most reassuring and loving way he can. It’s perfect.
  2. When you start talking about feelings with said boyfriend and then rather than feel the disappointment of his inappropriate response, you get ridiculously drunk, it is a bad idea to drunk text your ex-boyfriend who you have finally managed to get comfortable with being in the same place as you again.  You might make things awkward.  Making an apologetic joke about your train of thought derailing and then exploding is not sufficient to make up for your drunken ramblings. You might not care that much; rather, you just find it funny.
  3. When your friend shows the super sexy videos from your threesome to her rather hot husband, he may start texting you asking to experience your hot blowjob face.  You might like the idea and start planning a foursome.
  4. When another ex-boyfriend says he wants to acknowledge your relationship and what it means to you both on Fetlife, and you decide on “It’s complicated” because nothing else seems appropriate, you realize that nothing about how you feel about each other or what your relationship means is actually complicated, because you have good communication and boundaries and neither of you want a classical relationship, but it sure is complicated to try to explain that to others.
  5. When you know you have the most amazing friends because one contacts you because she wants to talk about your friendship and what it means to her, you know you have an amazing friend who communicates so very well.  
  6. When you come out to a favourite coworker and an old friend each in a matter of days  and they just respond with support and “How do you have the energy for all the sex?!?”, you know you have amazing people in your life who only want the best for you.
  7. When you see multiple people in a week who haven’t seen you in a while and they comment on how happy and settled and content you are, you know you are living your life exactly how you should.
  8. When you dye your 7, 5, and 4-year-olds’ hair with bright blue, purple, and pink hair dye, you will learn that it is a very bad idea to ever dye the hair of a 5 and 4-year-old. But fuck will it be cute.
  9. When you go for lunch with the boyfriend and the friend you had a hot threesome with and she says her neck was sore from your boyfriend choking her and you get jealous for the first time about him being with her, because he’s never choked you so much your neck was sore, you realize you are truly and completely a submissive, and it just all makes you so happy to have him as your dom.
  10. You sleep, alone, in your house after a night shift for the first time ever and you wake up with the incredible thought that your life is exactly what  you want it to be and you can do anything you choose with it, you realize exactly how truly and completely happy you are.


Rejection letter ripples

A and I are coming up on the anniversary of our first date. November 4. Two weeks after our first date, out of the blue, I got this email from A.

Good Morning,

Sorry for dropping off the radar, it is a busy time for me at work, and I’ve been fighting a cold or something which as dropped my energy levels. I didn’t want to ‘ghost’ you, I believe that is the correct term, I’m not one of those cool, young hip kids who know all the slang.

As much as I enjoyed dinner and our varied conversation, I felt that something was missing from a romantic standpoint. I wouldn’t rule out friendship, though as I really did enjoy talking with you!

I’d be up for another bottle of wine or cocktails to further our discussion on religion, and now we could add the US election and the new ‘white’ culture and paranoid fear state!



My response was:

Hi A!

I really didn’t expect to hear from you, what a nice surprise! I figured out about halfway through our date that there wouldn’t be a second, for the same reason as you, the chemistry just wasn’t there. But I did, very much, enjoy chatting with you, and would love to meet for drinks some time. I would love to completely agree with each other in all the ways to solve the world’s problems over wine!

The truth was, I didn’t think I would ever hear from him again. I was dating B and D, F and I were starting our downhill descent to divorce, and I was completely consumed with NRE for D. I did, however, very much enjoy our first date. We got along very well, with instant chemistry. There was never a lull in conversation and we laughed and drank a lot. So why did I know there wasn’t going to be a second date? Well, because when an hour in, we find out that A knows D and their wives are best friends, that can make things awkward. But true awkwardness prevails when I unintentionally, by saying my daughter’s name, reveal his life’s biggest hurt. Because our daughters share a name, a very beautiful but uncommon name, he had to tell me about the death of his daughter on our first date. This is undoubtedly not a recipe for romantic connection.

A and I went out once as friends. We had a great time. Without the “date” part of it in the background, we were just our raw, honest selves. We proceeded to spend about six hours drinking wine and chatting, and I even had to sleep off some of the wine in my office before I drove home. We talked about everything that night and it was so fun. At one point I remember thinking “It’s too bad we don’t have a romantic connection, because we could have a really good time.” In fact, I may have said that out loud.

Then, exactly two months after our first date, A came over for some wine and a chat on the couch. After five hours of drinking and chatting, we ended up clothes-less in bed. It was the start of what we have now. For this reason, we had our first date just over 11 months ago, but have only been dating for nine months.

As A was driving us home last Friday after our super hot night with U, I said: “Can you believe that you once sent me a rejection email?” His response? “I am very thankful I did!”

For the last few days, I’ve been thinking about that. I was completely prepared to go on with life, never seeing A again. Had he not decided to send me that email telling me that he didn’t feel a romantic connection, but would like to meet again, I wouldn’t have ever really thought about him again, apart from the fact that I was dating D and would have heard about him from time to time. I would never have chatted with him freely as his friend in a bar for hours and then on my couch for even more hours and then at some point realized he was sending out the signals that more than friendship was welcome and crossed the couch.

I guess the enormity of the ripple effect of seemingly simple acts are something I’ve become increasingly cognizant of. From choosing to take Chemistry 30 in Grade 11 and meeting X in that class, which 22 years later led to him introducing me to polyamory to A sending me a rejection letter, which led to us creating this amazing non-traditional, on-our-own-terms, fantastically hot relationship that we have, I’m just blown away by how some seemingly innocuous things happen, and they end up having such life altering ripple effects.

“A” writes his thoughts on our super hot threesome…

I came up with the brilliant idea to have A write out his perceptions of our hot threesome with U.  Part of this was for my benefit.  The usually expressive man was speechless with the capacity to say: “It was fun.  It was super fun. It was amazingly fun.  It was fantastically fun.” His expert use of adverbs aside, it wasn’t exactly the debriefing I was hoping for.  I was delighted when he wrote out his thoughts for me.  I had no idea he experienced nerves going in and it is so great to read how he feels about the same events we lived together.  
Other than a bit of copy editing, his words are his own.
So Friday night: You keep asking me to write out my feelings and thoughts and how I’m processing the events that happened.  I’m not sure what to say, but you can take some, all, or just parts to put on your blog. I’m going to write it as if you take the whole thing, and it will be a stream of thought from basically Tuesday/Wednesday forward.
So I perhaps have the best girlfriend ever. She doesn’t make me talk about feelings (very often), or expect me to be the ‘quintessential’ boyfriend (because our relationship does not conform to societal norms in many, many ways) but we get to explore our sexual sides free of judgement or negativity and we have a ton of interesting conversations.  It has truly been an interesting adventure with her. Anyway, back to my amazing GF.  She has been teasing me for months that she wanted to get me a 22 year old playmate to celebrate turning 45 (aka a girl half my age.) So Tuesday rolls around and I get a text first thing in the morning saying effectively “Bring condoms on Friday“, and then screen shots of a text conversation with a girlfriend of hers “U”, that I’ve sort of, third party (I tell GF, she passes along) flirted with. The next day, we managed to find some free time to grab drinks, during this time U was texting and sending naughty pictures that she wanted both of us to see. I like when people are givers, particularly when its naughty pictures!  It turns out that the GF has arranged for U to join us on our date night on Friday.
My GF planned a THREESOME as her gift to me.  Amazing right? Well yes and no.  I’ve never had a threesome so there were a lot of unknowns.  Thankfully, I wasn’t too worried about jealousy, as that’s not part of our relationship.  Other concerns were: Do I have the right stuff to satisfy two women? Will it be awkward? Are the three of us sexually compatible with each other? Will I be able to give both equal attention, so no-one feels left out? How will I respond to have my GF watching me fuck another woman? I should mention that both women are submissive, so on top of all the other concerns, I was topping my partner whom I know very well, but another bottom whom I knew very little about (ie. limits, pain tolerance, and any additional rules held by her Dom), so suffice to say, there were a lot of things going on in my head going into Friday night.
It was decided that we all grab dinner/drinks beforehand, to chat and make sure that we were all on the same page going forward.  That went aces, as consent and respect are such a major factor in how GF and I manage our relationship. You’ve probably already read the GF’s blog post on our threesome, so I won’t elaborate on the meeting of the poly/swinger folks or GF tormenting the elderly clerk when they had no condoms.  I will note that once GF stepped out to find condoms the first time, U and I had a our first kiss / make out session, and it was obvious at that point that we had some chemistry, so I was less nervous  as we headed to her house and the bedroom. We had a couple of drinks at her house and got comfortable.  We had another conversation about rules / boundaries, another double check to ensure that we were all on board, and the fact that GF found U on my lap making out was probably the clearest sign that all were on board.
It was one of the most amazingly fun, sexy, erotic, and animalistic sexual experiences I’ve ever had.  All doubts of performance vanished once I was enveloped in submissive, naked femininity. Seeing two women sucking your cock at the same time exceeds words and it is so hot/sexy/amazing that we did that three times. There is also something to be said of two assess wiggling and waiting to be spanked.  None of my fears manifested, and if anything could be said, it went better than any of us expected. It was crazy hot to fuck while my GF was beside me watching and helping with lips and fingers. Watching two women make out in front of you, being a part of that action, able to touch or fuck either at will? Amazing. Taking GF from behind while she was sampling pussy for the first time was crazy exciting or taking U from behind while GF was licking her and my cock as it slid in and out was something I didn’t know I was missing. There is something mesmerizing about watching your GF experience sexual awakenings first hand, I’ve been very lucky to have been the chosen partner!!  (GF’s note:  He’s been there for more sexual awakenings than any other partner I’ve ever had.  There are many good reasons he’s the one I choose).  
In the end we all collapsed into a sweaty pile and snuggled and basked in the after glow of an amazing 3 hours of sex. Aftercare for subs is a critical part of being the Dom, ensuring that they feel safe and treasured after and I’ll be honest that being in the middle of two women who are stroking and caressing you and each other is AMAZING. As GF indicated, this was never a fantasy I ever eluded to wanting and in truth it never has been, but after having one, I wish it had been, as it exceeded any and all of my expectations! This is something that I can see us doing again with our newly found unicorn and maybe even a foursome with her partner, which would be exceptionally hot, as some of the rules would be lifted as U’s Dom would be there and an extra cock would help fill (GF comment: LITERALLY!!!) some of the GF’s fantasies! I really do have the best GF a guy could ask for, even though she can be a shade demanding: at 5:45 the next morning (3 hours of sleep) she insisted that she get an extra fucking. It’s a small price to pay to have that kind of fun!! 🙂
There you have it.  I’m going to wear my “Best Girlfriend” title like a badge of honour.
Now, how to top his birthday present when I start my Christmas shopping??????

The super hot Threesome

So, one of the people in my life who make it amazing is A.  Since he’s been sharing a bed with me on a regular and predictable basis for nine months, he’s been a frequently feature on this page.  He also is the reason I have to process a ton of emotion on occasion, not because he stresses me out, but because our relationship is unique and interesting and non-traditional, so I have to continuously process emotions that conflict with my upbringing and have to reconcile the difference between what I feel and what I know and what I want.  And a little bit because he’s a pain in the ass.  But having a man in my life who both challenges me to confront my emotions and supports me through them is a wonderful thing.

A is pretty committed to helping me live out many of my fantasies. At least he’s been up for anything I’ve suggested so far, as is evident from our move from vanilla to testing dom/sub dynamics to our transition into a dom/sub relationship.  Months ago, I talked to A about having a threesome with my friend G.  We were working carefully towards that as an end goal when my grandma died, A’s life became crazy stressful, and G had some bad poly experiences that led to her and her husband deciding to be monogamous.  As a result, A and G never had their date, they never tested chemistry, and the threesome was put on the back burner. This was never really a big deal. A, despite his man-ness, says he has never had a big fantasy of having a threesome. Not that he’d turn down the opportunity, but it isn’t something that drives him.  In fact, I find it interesting to talk to him about fantasies, because he says he doesn’t really have them.  That he just enjoys sex and the opportunities presented to him. With me, he knows he can do whatever he wants, I don’t have many limits, and that’s enough for him.  I find this yet another one of the interesting parts of the uniqueness that is A.

So, for months, a good friend of mine, who I will call “U”, and A have been flirting back and forth through me.  Mostly jokes about sex and cleavage pics and the like.  I told her early on that I thought she could have fun with A.  At the beginning, she and her hubby were monogamous.  Then they decided to test the waters with swinging.  Extremely successful in that adventure, they decided to embrace polyamory. I had a great talk with her husband when they were first trying to decide if poly was the right thing for him.  They recently broke up with the couple they were dating and U has been having a hard time with it.  I talk to her daily, and somewhere in the conversation she said “I need sex. Can I borrow A?”  Naturally, I said: “Of course you can, but instead, do you want to join us on Friday for our date?”  

So, over the next week, she and I chatted a lot.  A and I went out for beers on Wednesday and I jokingly said to U, “I’m going out with your boyfriend A, anything you’d like to ask him?”  Not missing a beat, she sends me a picture of her in a thong on her stomach in bed and says: “No, but tell him I’m ready for my spanking!”  He was on a business call at the time and the smile that got was amazing. I’ve made the picture I took his new contact picture on my phone because it’s so awesome.  I passed on U’s info to A and they started chatting, flirting, and establishing rules for Friday night if a threesome was to occur.

We decided that our plan was to go out for dinner to chat and connect and drink a little, then to go back to U’s house and see if a threesome was in the cards.  We had a great time at dinner, hilariously ran into 5 people from the poly/swinging community on our way out of the restaurant.  I had this hilarious experience when we stopped at a drug store for condoms and had to ask this poor elderly lady where the condoms were in the store because I couldn’t find them and she said that they had shipped all the condoms to another store because they were renovating, and I just said “That’s a really bad business model for a drug store!”, and she pointed me to the clearance aisle to look at the few boxes they have left, and I loudly declared “None of these will work for me, there aren’t any large ones!” and walked out.  So, we stopped at a second store where we were successful and off we went to U’s house.  

We sat on the couch and chatted and drank while making sure her kids were asleep.  I went to the bathroom and came back and U was straddling A and they were making out on the couch.  I snuck into the bedroom, readied our bag of tricks and made sure the condoms were open and available on the side table.  As I walked out, they realized I was in the room and we all headed to the bedroom.  What proceeded is 3.5 hours of the hottest sex (with video and picture proof) of the hottest sex I’ve ever had and been witness to.  As a side note, the video that A took was of U and I giving him head together.  It’s fucking hot video.  I’ve always known that my face betrays my emotions, I could never be a poker player, but damn if I didn’t look completely fucking hot when I looked at A (and therefore the camera) in the videos.  I guess my face betrays how turned on I am too!  

This was a series of firsts for A and I.  Both of our first threesome.  My first time doing anything other than kissing a girl.  My first taste of pussy.  My first time getting eaten out by a girl.  My first time sharing my boyfriend with another woman in the same room.  I think my favourite thing that was said was A saying “this is way hotter than porn depicts”.  Seems that while the threesome wasn’t his particular fantasy, he enjoyed himself anyway.  My other favourite thing was the fact that for only the second time since our first date 11 months ago, A was speechless.  The only thing he could say was “that was fun.”  Given that the man usually has some pretty competent word usage, I’d say that meant he had an overwhelmingly good time.  

But, this blog isn’t about A and his experience, or U and hers, it’s about mine.  My feelings, my perceptions, my experiences.  I can’t say I’m done processing the amazing experience that this all was.  I’m trying to think through how I felt going in, during, and after.  The truth is, I feel damn good.

I’m an eternal, perpetual, and probably annoying to some, optimist.  I don’t tend to worry much about things in advance of them happening.  I have a faith that I can deal with the situations life deals me or more accurately, I put myself in.  I know myself well and I very rarely make choices that I don’t know for certain I can handle with grace or at least physically intact.  Some would probably say I’m very enthusiastic about things I’m passionate about, at least I hope my enthusiasm is obvious.  In the last year, I’ve become really passionate about making decisions for myself, for what’s best for me.  I’ve made myself a priority. This hasn’t been easy, but I could say that making the best decisions for myself has become my passion.  As a result, I have many new passions, and one of these is authentically connecting with people.  Another is hot sex.  Connecting with people and having hot sex together is an exponential of my passion.  (Get it?  Passion squared? No?  Guess my nerd is coming out too.)

So, going into Friday, it never really occurred to me that the threesome would be anything but amazing. The fact that it even exceeded my high expectations is incredible, but going in, I had no anticipation of failure.  U had messaged me earlier in the day and said “If I don’t want sex, is that OK?”, and I naturally said “Of course, consent can be given or taken away at any time, you are not required to do anything.”  I think A had more reservations about the threesome, but that’s his story, not mine (I’ve requested for him to write out his processing of the experience, but it might be three words long – “It was fun”).  It became pretty clear to me during dinner that it would be a go and even then I wasn’t nervous and didn’t have any reservations.  What I was concerned about was that while I’m an expert at using my anatomy for my full pleasure, I’m not experienced with using another woman’s anatomy for her pleasure.  I was worried I wouldn’t be good at oral on a female or that I wouldn’t enjoy it.  I don’t know how good I was, but I made her orgasm more than once, so I’m going to go with “adequate”. My worry about the quality came from my confidence that I know what I’m doing when dealing with man parts, but not at all with another woman’s parts.  My concern about not enjoying it is simple – you never know if you are going to love something the first time you do it, and when someone else’s pleasure lies in the balance, insecurity is justified.  Within minutes (seconds?), I knew that the latter wasn’t any concern.  While I would still identify as heterosexual, my healthy curiousity and passion for hot sex makes me definitely interested in pursuing more sexual experiences with women, at least with women that want to have a cock join us in our sexual adventure.  Especially since boobs are amazing!

There are a few other things worth mentioning, as far as I see things. The first is, I openly shared my boyfriend with another woman, so openly, that I offered him up freely and willingly.  Of course, one can argue that our relationship is based on sharing, given that he’s married to another woman, but there’s a huge difference to knowing that your boyfriend is married and having sex with another woman and inviting another woman into your bed to fuck said boyfriend and watching it and participating. I didn’t anticipate any jealousy going in, because it’s an emotion I rarely have, but one never knows when jealousy will rear its ugly head.  I once got jealous of him posting a picture on Facebook with his wife calling her beautiful and saying he loved her, of course, it lasted approximately 30 seconds, because it was dumb, but emotions like jealousy normally are, but that doesn’t mean they are fleeting. (I’m not saying jealousy is dumb, I’m saying that it’s a symptom of other issues that need to be worked through, and letting it drive your decisions is a bad idea, I’m just being flippant because talking about a hot threesome is way more interesting than talking about jealousy).  I honestly didn’t think it was possible, but I’m even more attracted to A now that I’ve seen him fuck my friend than I was before.  This is saying a lot, because I rarely stop thinking about how much I want A as it is.  Both the sex and our connection are mind blowing, and this is probably another blog post all of its own, so I’ll leave it with saying that we have solidified our relationship in a way over the last few months that makes it extremely valuable to both of us, and this just improves our sexual and romantic connection.  Watching him and joining him in having hot sex with my friend just made me feel closer to him.  It was a shared, very hot, very intimate, very fun experience.  It makes me want to see what other kind of cool sexual adventures we can have moving forward and makes me willing, if not eager, to share him in additional sexual exploits.  

The other thing worth mentioning is that we picked the right unicorn (That’s why she’s “U”!!!) for our first threesome adventure.  It seemed a natural thing for me, because U and I talk about sex all the time and had joked for ages about having a threesome or sharing A, so actually fucking wasn’t really that big of a step for me.  That it was A that I chose to share also wasn’t chance, in nine months, he has never once failed to take care of me in bed.  I knew he would easily be able to take care of two women.  A mentioned on our way back to my place how incredibly cool it was that everything was so natural.  There were no awkward moments, everyone was comfortable, everyone was included, everything just worked.  It hadn’t actually occurred to me until he said that that it was actually more likely that there would be awkwardness or weird moments.  Instead, there was laughter and dialogue and orgasms and tons of hotness.  Going in, A and I discussed what we wanted from the experience, which is to say, I told A what I was hoping for.  There were a few fantasies that I wanted to fulfill, but in my mind, you don’t go in as a couple to have a threesome with a girl without ensuring that she has a fantastic time.  So we discussed that our priority going in was going to be U’s experience.  I suspect that A had some concern that I wouldn’t get as much out of it as I do at our weekly dates, but I was pretty clear that I knew he would make up for it later.  I think there are a few reasons we worked so well. The first is that we are all super sex positive people.  The second is that I have a great connection with both A and U, so nothing was awkward for me (This is my realism, I would have been the one to make things awkward).  The third is that we are all very confident individuals, so insecurity didn’t interfere.  Either way, the whole experience exceeded my fantasies.  Exceeded. That’s fucking amazing.

U enjoyed A’s performance so much that she invited him back for a one-on-one  (not surprised, grandpa has mad skills). My own response to this is worth talking about.  It was fear.  Fear of losing A.  I have zero issue with him having sex with her.  I worried only that because his time is so limited already that I would lose time with him (when I would love to have more time with him) if they become a thing.  In his cute little obtuse way, he said he didn’t think it would be a recurring thing, and I laughed at how silly he is that he thinks she doesn’t want him regularly.  He did what the best boyfriends do.  He reassured me.  That what we have is extremely valuable to him and that no one can destroy what we are at the core of us.  Had he been anyone else, I would have responded with a simple “I love you”, but our uncomplicatedly complicated relationship doesn’t involve those three words, at least not from him.  I suspect that he enjoyed himself enough that he wants to have that one-on-one time with her too and I’m excited for them both. Time will tell if there are any consequences to me in there, but in the meantime, I’m going to trust that A will do as he always has – live up to his word.

The final thing worth mentioning is that U showed her hubby the videos from our tryst, and apparently I have quite the sexy blow job face.  (I agree on this one, the videos are hot as fuck).  When I woke up near noon on Saturday, my phone was alight with messages from her and from him, asking for a foursome in the future.  I had a chat with A, and he is game.  To quote: “The threesome was fun, why not add one more?”  So, our adventures will continue.  My passions will continue to be explored.  

So those are my feelings about the night.  But there’s more to it all.  A year ago, I was in my first poly relationship with X.  I was discovering a world of sexual freedom and intimacy I hadn’t known possible.  I was beginning to understand and accept who I am and make decisions to honour myself.  When I imagined myself in a polyamorous relationship, I anticipated a situation where I was still married to F, had a committed boyfriend, and F had a committed girlfriend.  I fantasized about kitchen table polyamory and an extended poly family.  I dreamed of more role models for my kids, meaningful connections with partners and metamours, and an extended polycule of support.  Never, in a million years, would I have believed it if someone would have told me last year that this, what I have now, would be my happiness and fulfillment. I wouldn’t have believed I’d be separated and happy and sure about it.  I never would have dreamed that I would be solopoly with three men in my life that bring so much diversity and happiness to it.  It goes to show that sometimes your dreams are not what you really need in your life.

I would never have dreamed that A was the one who would bring so much value to my life.  I would never have believed that this man, who has an ego that is earned, a sensitive heart that he tries to hide from the world, a generousity of spirit that most don’t understand or see, who can compartmentalize his life but still prioritize a girlfriend in the busyness of marriage, family, and running a business, but still has boundaries and limitations that he enforces unapologetically, would be exactly who I needed and wanted in my life. I never imagined a partner like him.  I never imagined a situation where I was dating a guy whose wife didn’t really want a relationship with me or one who isn’t interested in knowing my kids or really knowing my friends.  He’s in addition to my life in many ways, instead of a part of it.  

We talked before going out with U on Friday that our relationship is different from any others that we know of.  Or rather, he talked about it.  I had said during the day that I was looking forward to seeing him fuck another woman, and he responded with “Really?!?!?”  So, when we were having a glass of wine before we went out, I asked him why that surprised him, and he said “you have to understand how different our relationship is from other people’s”.  I guess it’s true.  One of the things that’s happened to me as I have prioritized myself and made the best decisions for my life, choosing to forego societal expectations of me in favour of my happiness, is that I have started to lose sight of the fact that most people don’t make decisions in the same manner I do.  I needed to be reminded that in the monogamous world, women don’t regularly want to see their men fucking another woman.  That I don’t see the world the way the majority do.  That A and my relationship is something that we created out of our ideal, no one else’s.

That’s it.  We’re happy.  We’re living the lives we want, interweaving them only on our own terms.  It’s good.  It’s hot.    

Happy Right Now

My life is fucking fantastic.  Shall we talk about how?  Yes, yes we should!

Well, F has moved out. Or at least there are dirty spots that need to be swept or vacuumed where large pieces of furniture used to be.  It’s almost done.  The relief and happiness I feel at this transition into independence is incredible.  Yesterday, I picked up my kids to take them for dinner, and my eldest two expressed that they were having a hard time with all the changes, as the previous night was their first night in their dad’s new place.  Luckily, my parents live close, and were able to come meet us for supper, and helped me give the kids the love and attention they needed to just feel a little more secure in their little lives.  When I dropped the kids off with F, he and I had a good chat about how to help the kids with the transition and came up with a plan to work together. We talked with our eldest about how we are friends now and we are going to always be on her team and want to help her as much as possible.  I talked to my second eldest and just hugged her and sung the “I’ll love you forever” song, and she said “Does this mean you’ll always be mommy?”, and I said “Yes sweetheart, I’ll always be your mommy and I’ll always be here for you.”  I have no illusion that F and I won’t fight in the future, but last night was a great example of what positive separation and coparenting looks like.

My job is great.  I am getting constant positive feedback from the people I work with and the people I work for.  More importantly, I love everything about it.  I enjoy the intellectual stimulation, the challenges, the people I work with, the learning I do, and the flexibility in my schedule.  

Things with A are great.  More on that in another post, because I have a lot to say there, and he’s pressuring me for an insight into my thoughts on recent events, and it’s fun to make him wait.  Things with L are good. I don’t see him as much as I would like.  I’ve been busy and he’s started dating another girl, so his time is more limited.  He has evening activities often and I’m busy during the day.  He’s been pushed back in the pecking order of my men a bit, but when we are together it’s amazing.  He’s supportive and fun and loving.  What we have is great, and I’m going to choose to be happy with that.  I’ve been dating another guy.  This gorgeous, sweet, kind, and fucking sexy man, who I guess will get the letter M.  I met M months ago at a polyamory pub night.  He and his girlfriend and her husband gave my drunken ass a ride home that night.  I remember him walking into the pub and thinking “Damn, he’s really fucking hot.  I bet he’s an asshole.”  Sure enough, I was completely wrong.  Talk about an exercise in checking my biases and assumptions.  He’s so nice.  He’s going through a divorce, has two kids that are the same ages as two of mine, and he’s amazing in every way.  Everything about being with him is simple and easy.  When we began talking, it was because he sent out this “You are Awesome” video to nearly everyone on his friends list on Facebook.  I wrote back that I thought he was awesome too, and asked if he had sent that message out to everyone, and he said yes and that his phone was blowing up.  I commented that it must usually be like that, and he said “No, it’s usually pretty quiet”.  I said that surprised me because he’s so hot and charismatic and kind that I thought the women would be throwing themselves naked at his feet.  He destroyed my assumptions by saying that had never happened, and said he thought I was hot too.  I just said “Really? We should talk about that some time?”  He responded with “Nice advance lady!”, and we kept on talking.  That was over a month ago, and it’s going great. He’s fun and kind and makes me laugh and turns me on and rocks my world and I’m happy with how simple and easy it’s been.

Everything is great.  I’ve never been this happy. Ever. Which brings me to an interesting conversation with a coffee date I had a few weeks ago. He said: “I’ve given up on happily ever after.”, and this got me to thinking.  I don’t think there is a happily ever after. That’s the stuff of lies and fairy tales.  What there is, or at least has the potential to be is Happy right now.  This is my new commitment to myself, working for the end goal of being happy right now.  It’s just all part of making the choices to be true to myself and live the life I choose.


The exact right thing

Sometimes things just work.  My life has ramped up in busyness.  I’m back full speed at work but loving every minute of it. F is about to move out into his own rental place.  We transferred ownership of our vehicles the other day and the cashier at the registry commented on how good we got along for people about to divorce and I laughed.  It seems that the stressful days that I have experienced aren’t the definition of stressful for most people and F and I actually get along pretty well.  Funnily enough, after I said that we have four children together, so we both know we are stuck together for the rest of our life, and it’s better to get along, she says “Oh, so what happened?  Did you two just grow apart?”  So, I responded in the only way I know how to when it comes to a complete stranger asking you to sum up the cause of you choosing to end your 14 year relationship as casual conversation.  I said: “Sure, let’s go with that!”

That same evening, F and I sorted through some household items.  We spent four hours together. Four hours, where we didn’t fight. We laughed, we talked, we compromised, we joked, we ate pizza with our kids. I had a glimpse of what it can be like if we manage to become friends, coparents, and a team for our kids.  It was an amazing gift of premonition about the potential we have.

Even later in that evening, I had my normal Friday night date with A.  I hate calling them “normal”, because our relationship is anything but.  It’s unique and fun and full of connection and mind-blowing sex.  When every time you have sex, it’s ‘top three’ good, you know you have something worth keeping.   

Earlier in the week, I found myself alone with time to spare, and smoked a joint and spent sometime with my thoughts. During that time, my brain got in a negative loop that wouldn’t stop.  I started doubting everything.  Somewhere in my logical, not stoned, brain, I decided to email myself a list of questions that I should ponder, when, I wrote:  “you are capable of legally operating a motor vehicle”.

The next couple days, I spent processing my doubts.  My insecurities.  The imbalance in our feelings for each other.  Wondering if that translated into bigger problems that I am unaware of. Wondering if it meant that the commitment that we share isn’t shared at all.  Somewhere, in all of that, I knew that the problem was mine, not his, and that it was mine to work through and didn’t need to be communicated until I’d processed the shit out of it.  

As I processed, I realized that the root of my issues laid in the fact that there are things in our relationship that scream of “this is not a relationship but a side-piece”.  In my infinite loop of negativity, I focused on a couple things that really bothered me.  Among them was the fact that I’ve never been to his house.  That he never invites me out to anything.  That he nearly never comes out when I invite him out with my friends (and is rather dismissive of the idea in general).  And, as always, back to the fact that he doesn’t love me.

I get it.  He’s busy.  He often says something like “If you want me to come out to this event, then I can’t come to your place on Friday”.  I guess I feel like my kids must feel when I give them a choice between two things they really want.  Like no matter what, I lose one of the things I really want. That, right there, is where I was going wrong. I was losing sight of the fact that in that situation, no matter what, I win.  I win time with a man who brings so much value to my world.

As I was processing the shit out of my twisty bits that I didn’t need to communicate, A came to a poly pub night for one of the Facebook polyamory groups I’m part of.  I had been inviting him out every month since January, and the closest he got to coming was when he picked me up from the very first one, drove me home, and we broke my bed!  The happiness and comfort I felt sitting in between A and L, a hand on each of their legs at that poly pub night, was extraordinary.  It’s an incredible thing, to be out with two men I love, and being able to be out about it.  To have them sit at the same table and interact with each other and everyone else. There’s something so comforting about my life choice being understood and accepted and the men who are so important to me being accepted without question.  The gorgeous man in the suit on my right who can command a room in a second and the cute guy who is a little awkward in jeans and a t-shirt on my left.  It’s a wonderful place to be, however temporary.

This seemingly small thing, A coming out to this night, was so special to me.  More important than it should be. One of my friends questioned why it was important to me, and it got me thinking.  Why is it?  It’s because it legitimizes my place in his life.  It acknowledges it aloud in the only place we can.  A place that has been missing in my life since D left it, because with our polycule, back then, everything was acknowledged and normal.  The next day, on our Friday date, we were talking about the night and how he probably wouldn’t come out again.  It was hard for me to understand.  On a visceral level, it hurt to hear that he wouldn’t be willing to come out with me again.  So I asked him “why?” He said the only thing I didn’t expect to hear.  The one thing I hadn’t considered.  He said: “We have so little time together, that when we have it, I don’t want to share you with other people.”  This is a paraphrase, possibly misrepresented, but if so, it’s what I want to remember it as.  In that moment, he put a brake on the negative thoughts revolving around in my head, and reset me.  

It never occurred to me that he didn’t come out with me because he wanted me alone.  It never occurred to me that he valued the time with me alone.  It never occurred to me that he didn’t like sharing my attention.  It never occurred to me that he had thought about the fact that he would rather be the focus of my attention than to share it.  It never occurred to me that he wanted to focus his attention on me.  

He said the one thing that I needed to hear.  He’s either the most perceptive person on the planet, exceedingly lucky, or very good at reading what people want from him.  No matter what, I’m happy that he said what I needed to hear.  That I matter to him. That he wants to be with me. That he values me.

It seems so silly when I read it.  But being valued is pretty much the most amazing feeling in the world.