If the title doesn’t give it away, this entire blog post is written from a place of intense and deep anger and hurt. It is not my usual level-headed self-reflective post. Sometimes, writing out the anger gets it out of my heart. This is one such time.
The last few days were a plethora of awfulness. Between the heartbreak hitting this weekend and not being able to get some connection I craved to calm my poor soul, the nasty cold virus that exerted its dominance over my body, F not responding to a crucial deadline in our separation proceedings, and all the O stupidness yesterday, I’m a little overwhelmed, to the point of being kind of numb. Well, there was one highlight in the last days – drinks with A yesterday, just laughing and joking and catching up and being us. That and the amazing hug that ended the date. That man can hug like no other.
Last night I spent in a full out rage. I was livid. I’m not sure livid is even strong enough to describe how I felt – I totally used an online thesaurus for this: I was enraged! I was furious! I was corybantic with rage! I was so annoyed with the excuses and the stupidity that came through in O’s last messages to me. For an educated, intelligent guy, he was a seriously stupid individual yesterday. I got ridiculously angry, really fast. I was hitting hard and fast, and he was grabbing on to every excuse he could just so he could look himself in the mirror. Among the stupider things he sent:
“…if you are happier now that we are apart, we shouldn’t be together. If you are happier when we are together, then we should be together.
The choice is yours.
Both ex and other partner have given me some important perspective this weekend. I love you. I am here for you if you choose to be with me but I will not beg.”
Excellent. I love a thinly veiled ultimatum. I’m sorry, but last time I checked, he violated a very clearly established boundary (see below) and my right to consent. A threat in the form of “I’m not going to beg” aka “I’m not going to wait around forever” isn’t going to fucking cut it less than two weeks after you fucked up our entire god damned relationship. It certainly isn’t appropriate. It’s smacks of my 4-year-old saying “I’m not going to be your friend anymore!” Although she may have a better grasp of cause and effect.
“Please don’t post our private FB conversations on your blog without my permission. Other partner is pissed at you on my behalf for doing that.”
I have to say that I responded to this very badly. Why the FUCK should I care what another partner, someone whose opinions are filtered through O’s perceptions, thinks? Why would I not post a conversation with me on my blog? I do. It gives clarity. It eliminates my interpretation. Sure, I asked before when they were his self-reflections. When I actually cared about hurting his feelings. But when you crush me completely by breaking my trust and destroying the entire foundation of our relationship with one decision, I don’t care so much. And his communications serve to demonstrate what a clueless fuck he was immediately following fucking another girl in the same bed as me WITHOUT MY CONSENT, just hours after I clearly said I WASN’T READY TO SHARE HIM IN THE SAME ROOM AS ANOTHER WOMAN.
So, I asked him why he cared so much about what I posted on the blog all of a sudden.
“I could care less (sic) about the blog, to be honest. Other partner just pointed out a bit of a double-standard. …ex asked me what I was getting from our relationship and I honestly couldn’t give her an answer. I realized it was all on what I could do for you. Other partner pointed out that you are so clear on your boundaries but didn’t communicate them well to me. Repeatedly saying they were clear does not make them clear. She also wonders if you are working out some very deep hurt from the past on me now…..Ex thinks I need a break from you for my own good.”
Let’s dissect this one, shall we?
A double standard? Ha. The irony of asking me to respect an arbitrary boundary, when you say you don’t actually care about what is written, when you completely violated a very clearly established and very well communicated boundary. Bitter humour to swallow there.
Let’s jump to the part about how well I communicated a boundary: I didn’t just say it as clear. They were all clear. My exact words were: “I am getting closer to the point where I could share you in the same room with another person, but I’m not there yet. My body still does this ***mine!!!!*** thing when we are together, and I’m not yet able to handle seeing you with another person.” I really don’t know how that can get any fucking clearer. I said this just before we went to the pub night. Within five hours, he was fucking someone in bed next to me (just in case you forgot, without my consent). Not to mention the fact that someone who has never met me is telling someone who didn’t listen to my clearly communicated boundary that I didn’t communicate well. Huh. It’s like she wasn’t even fucking there and doesn’t know what went on.
Couldn’t give an answer about what you got out of the relationship? It was based on what he could do for me. Really? Really? Fucking really? Anything he did for me was voluntary. We talked about how bad I was at asking for what I needed. At being vulnerable. I hardly asked anything. Ever. The reason? Because of shit like this. There’s just so much martyrdom in this statement that I can’t. It’s so fucking stupid. Fuck. Good thing he wasn’t getting anything out of it, because there won’t be getting anything back, that’s for fucking sure.
But the cherry on top of the icing that’s on top of the cake: “processing a deep hurt from the past on me now…” Yes, absolutely. That deep hurt from my past goes way back to 11 days ago. WHEN HE VIOLATED A CLEARLY COMMUNICATED BOUNDARY AND DISREGARDED MY RIGHT TO CONSENT. He fucked a girl in the same bed as I was naked in. Then he continued when I was obviously upset by it. Then he justified it by saying I wasn’t into joining. And he finally owned it, after I broke up with him, and now he is looking for any and every excuse to blame me to help him feel better about how badly he fucked up.
The whole thread yesterday was best summarized by L and his girlfriend: “this is some pretty base ‘cheerleader syndrome’. They’re helping him through the breakup, which is good. But they’re doing it by putting him on a pedestal and giving him the idea that he should probably be forgiven for one error since he’s otherwise a great guy. They’re also managing to somewhat make you the villain and him the victim here. By attacking your blog and ‘being pissed at you on his behalf’, they’re telling him he’s the good guy. By getting O to see a relationship where he was just helping you all the time and getting nothing back, you’re the bad guy.
When he comes back and says you should be together if you were happy. And that he thought you were long term and the one and all that. No. Not ok.”
Yeah. All that. No passive aggressive guilt trips for this girl, thank you.
Then I got an email from his ex-wife, asking for me to remove things he and I had written about her and her actions in their marriage breakdown. It was cloaked in passive aggressive manipulative bullshit and it was a huge invasion of my personal privacy as it came to my personal email, not my blog contact email. This means he gave it to her. With that last violation of my trust and personal space, I had to block him completely from my life. Up until yesterday morning, I thought that maybe one day we could try again….but he and his cheerleaders have shown me that is a mountain I’m not interested in climbing, not the least because they are also on it. I’m glad he has support. It’s too bad those people have to attack the victim to give it.