Life is still incredibly amazing. I’ve made so many good decisions for myself in recent months, and my happiness is the reward for each individual success. Tonight, G came over for dinner. She is so great at communication that she came over a few weeks ago to ask for a little more time and connection with me. Instead of doing things, she needed to connect – have substantial conversations and just be with me. There are few things in this world that I appreciate more than people I love who communicate well, and this is true in this case also. It’s so easy to give the people you love what they need when they ask you for exactly what that thing is. Well, this evening was full of connection. We cuddled and chatted and had supper and just laughed and talked and, well, were. We just were.
So much happened in my life in the last week that there was a lot to catch her up on. With O, who has taken my life by storm and with A, who has been a bit of a storm of his own this week. Talking about her world and its developments and a healthy dose of sex talk and sex toy conversations. It was wonderful!
Among the things that came up was how she never asks for help from others. That several of the people in life are rarely aware that she is struggling until she fills them in later after she’s done processing. That is so familiar to me. In fact, it sort of hit home when she said that, because she was the only person for months who knew that I was still hurting about D. That when I saw him it was like getting hit in the chest with a bazooka (no, this has not actually happened to me, it’s what I imagine getting hit in the chest with a bazooka would feel like). I mentioned that to her and we talked through a few points to do with him.
Specifically, I realized that while I had been honest with myself when I saw him about still loving him, I had only been honest with G about what I was still feeling. Even then I wasn’t completely clear with her. Then a few things happened. It was pointed out to me in conversation with someone who has never said a bad thing about D before that he is a total asshole. I immediately proceeded to defend him and was stopped. Simply put, he said: “Anyone who did to you what he did, in the way he did it, is an asshole. There’s nothing to discuss there.” This truth hit me hard. It also happened only a few days after I had drunk texted D. Now, my drunk text wasn’t particularly bad. I wasn’t proclaiming everlasting love or pining for him. I was just thinking about him and reached out. I was drunk, so it wasn’t the most coherent ending, and the next morning, I apologized, said my train of thought clearly derailed and exploded, and explained that I wanted nothing from him but would like to be friends. It was kind, apologetic, and I was a little vulnerable in it all. He never responded.
It’s funny to me that this seemingly small, insignificant event, one that I laughed off nearly immediately, was the final nail in the coffin of my affection for D. In the end, I realized how little compassion and understanding he truly feels for others. I realized how selfish and uncommunicative he was. How he didn’t respect me enough to just say “hey, no thanks” to an offer of meeting for lunch.
I was explaining all this to G today, and I said: “I could forgive him for dumping me the way he did.” For not communicating when I had questions or offering an explanation or honouring what we shared. But when he showed so little compassion for me when I asked directly for a response, I couldn’t hide behind the excuse that it was a one time thing. All that time I spent thinking he was true to himself and did what he felt he needed to do to be happy meant I didn’t realize that he actually is just an uncompassionate, selfish, broken person. This isn’t easy for me to write. I write it, and despite months of being apart, my go-to is to defend him. To focus on those amazing times before he broke up with me. To forget that he hurt me worse than any man ever has.
But G said several somethings tonight that hit me right where I needed to be smacked. The first thing she said was that she couldn’t believe I could forgive him, because she hadn’t. She said she is still every bit as angry at him as she was on day one because the way he acted was inappropriate and he hurt someone she loved. She said she is pretty sure it was my divorce that was too much for him, which was too bad. I said that the unfortunate part is that if he had just hung out and waited it out, only a couple months later, I was, by far, the best version of me I had ever been. I pointed out that the people who waded through that dark time with me were now the people who were receiving the best version of me they possibly could. That I am the best me in every part of my life now. That people like A stuck it out and supported me and were everything I needed them to be. He was exactly what I needed him to be on so many nights where I was done with everything in my world and I needed him to make me forget it all. I remember saying to him that I needed to not talk about my hurt or anger, that I needed him to overwhelm me with sensation and make me forget anything and everything but what was going on in the moment. I remember saying a version of that for weeks (months?) in a row. I know that he never once failed to do so. He helped me forget. He helped me numb myself. He helped me heal. He helped me become the me I am now. Not because he supported me (which he did) or that he put up with my crazy (which he did), but because he LET me hurt and be and process and ask for what I needed and take charge and just held on for the ride. He didn’t demand anything of me and never tried to save me and he was exactly what I needed him to be because he let me be the strong independent person I am and the weak person who needed to heal at the same time.
What she said, that hit me like a ton of bricks straight to the head, was: “Did it occur to you that what you got was the best version of D, and that he wasn’t good enough for you?” Wait!!! What??? The idea that the best version of him wasn’t the wonderful times, but the man who broke up with me via email with no reason and then cut off all communication with me wasn’t what I was expecting, but when it hit, it hit hard and stuck there. She’s absolutely right.
As my best friend, soul sister, and a person I love unconditionally, G has my heart in her hands. She knows me well, she loves me deeply, and she isn’t scared to verbalize the hard truths. Today, she said something that threw me for a loop. She said that the people in my world who love me and attach to me thrive off my love of life, my energy, and my enthusiasm. That when I am down, or going through a dark period, like this summer after D dumped me, and I had to process all the hurt of the previous six months, they can’t feed off my energy, and it’s hard for them. Some people, who want and can give that love and energy back to me when I’m not able to give myself, stick by me, support me, and love me. Others, who just want to take, well, they leave, killing off a bit of that part of me that gives. Fortunately, that giving part of me regenerates once I evict those people from my heart. I’ve just completed that regeneration. It’s amazingly liberating. When I talked to A about this the other day, he made the point that I’m finally at that point where I can love in a way that isn’t limited due to hurt. That I’m free again. I think my NRE with O is a true expression of that new-found freedom and space in my heart, freed by my finally letting go of D. Freedom and love: basic human rights, at least in my world.