I spent this weekend alone. A few hours ago, I picked up my kids, and now I’m processing all the things that I allowed myself to feel this weekend. I’ve reached the point where the heartbreak is overwhelmingly painful. I’ve got a lump in my throat, a tightness in my chest, and a knot in my stomach. I feel physical pain at the loss of what I had with O.
On Friday night, I went to Robbie Burns night. This is the same Robbie Burns night event that A goaded me into going to last year, the day after we broke my bed. The same night that ended up being such an amazing night with both A and D, when I ended up at D’s house while his amazing wife volunteered to sleep on the couch. O was supposed to be my date this year. I asked a few friends to pinch hit for him after I broke up with him and finally managed to get one of my friends who I’ve known for 23 years to accompany me. She was a delightful date and fit in well, having met A and his wife and D and his wife before. Yes, D and his wife were there too. It was the first time I saw him since the ridiculous drunk texting incident, which I now think was hysterically funny, and am rather thankful it happened, as it was the key step in me finally getting over him. I’m not saying I don’t still love him, because I do. But I absolutely wouldn’t take him back if he begged me. I am in love with the man I dated then, not the man I know him to be now.
I had a great time at Robbie Burns. I enjoyed the scotch; I enjoyed the company; I enjoyed the food. I didn’t particularly miss O’s presence and other than saying that my friend was pinch hitting for a boyfriend I just broke up with, he didn’t come up. It was the first time I had spent a whole night out in public with A and his wife. A isn’t big into public displays of affection, and that is also true with his wife. I got a kiss when we got into his truck and a kiss after his mom left, yes, that’s right, his MOM! The thing is, he was out at a function with his wife and his girlfriend. His girlfriend that only half the people there knew about. So he was a husband, but not a boyfriend that night. It was weird, not hard, or upsetting, but weird, to see them in their husband and wife roles. To see them casually touch each other in the way couples do. Hands on knees, a rub of the arm, a hand on the shoulder. To be a part of that night but apart from someone I love.
I cuddled A in the back seat on the way home. It was nice. It filled me with comfort. I am in need of reconnection, however, to be the focus of his attention without the rest of his life there.
After A and his wife dropped my friend and I off at home, I crawled into bed. I slept for 14 hours. For the first time in months, I slept until I couldn’t sleep anymore. I woke up with a cold and the deep sadness of heartbreak that overwhelmed me completely. I am constantly on the move and busy and rushing from thing to thing. I took Saturday for myself to do nothing. I don’t remember the last time I did nothing for a day, but it was definitely at least 10 years ago. I watched five movies. I didn’t move off the couch. But most importantly, I cried. I cried until my entire face was swollen and my eyes felt like sandpaper. I cried that deep guttural cry that consumed my body and made me struggle to breathe. It was the ugliest ugly cry of my life, made worse by the hoarse throat and grainy cough.
It was cathartic, in a way. I guess I knew it was coming. I told A the day after all the awful happened that it would be about a week and a half until the *real* pain hit. When I’d cry and the heartbreak would hit. Well, it hit. Heartbreak like I’ve never felt before. I thought the heartbreak after D was the limit of the pain I could experience and it turns out that I was wrong. I long for the hurt I felt last May.
In typical *me* style, instead of asking for what I needed (remember how bad I am at being vulnerable), I tried to entice A to my house with dirty pics and promises of hot sex, and the exhausted man who is too busy for his own good chose sleep over me. I’m sure if I had told him where I actually was emotionally, that I needed someone to wrap their arms around me and make me feel taken care of, he would have actually been here. He probably thought I needed too much of him.
The fact is, I am in a constant state of emotional pain turned physical because it’s so real and all-encompassing. I alternate between the desire to shut down emotionally and be strong and independent and I “don’t need anyone” and the need to have someone I love and trust hold me, keep me safe, and make me feel protected.
There is this crazy knowledge inside of me that I chose this. I chose the the “rip-the-bandaid-off” approach to ending my relationship with O and the immense pain that comes with it, over the long, slow destruction that would have occurred if I had elected to try to move on. That I chose to feel this overwhelming hurt over many small hurts.
I have an army of people who love me who are waiting to support me in anyway they can. This includes S, who has been amazing, patient, kind, supportive, and altogether very sexy about the whole thing. A, who has helped me forget by taking me away so I’m only aware of him and what he’s doing to me, but also with his frequent check-ins and understanding as I tell him how much I hurt, and his desire to be here for me, even when he can’t be. To D’s wife, who was so loving and supportive. To A’s wife, who sent me love yesterday, knowing I needed it. To my mom, who reminded me of my value when I was feeling so very broken. To so many others who love me because I’m me.
I am broken. I am hurting. I am overwhelmed. Tomorrow, I’ll see A. He will hug me and for the moment that he holds me, all my pain will disappear. I will feel his arms around me. My breath will slow. I’ll smell him. And I will let go.
There is something amazing about going through heartbreak while in love with someone else. To be deeply in love with someone and mourning the loss of deep love with someone else at the same time. While I hurt, I recognize the love I have. I will heal. While I heal, I have so many people who love me to help me get there.