A couple weeks ago, A and I had a pretty crazy session, and there was a lot of biting involved. Most of it wasn’t particularly painful, or, more accurately, it was the right kind of pain for this girl. I had a tubal ligation a few months ago that left me with a tiny scar on my lower abdomen. Completely unintentionally, A bit me on my scar, and ironically, it didn’t hurt, but clearly it disrupted something underneath the scar, because the next day, I had a HUGE bruise. I suspect that it busted open some scar tissue beneath the external scar, causing a bit of bleeding. So, this was the bruise I was sporting the first time I had sex with O:
I had, of course, warned him that A and I are kinky. That I would frequently have bruises and that they were obtained consensually, and more often than not, directly asked for. I explained that I like vanilla as much as BDSM, that I take pleasure from all kinds of sex, and that he didn’t have to feel the need to do what A does to me, in fact, part of what I love about him is that he doesn’t do what A does to me. Different people scratch different itches.
I’ve mentioned several times here that A has been going through an extraordinarily difficult time in his life. He’s been dealing with it amazingly well, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t worried about him. He has a lot of work stress, family stress, and relationship stress going on. It’s a trifecta of awfulness and while I’m in awe of how well he is dealing with everything, I have also been quietly waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop. Mostly, I expected him to fall off the radar for a night and get totally crazy drunk and then suffer for a day or two after because of his indulgence. I was worried one or more of his realities would hit and he’d bottle up again. In true A style, he snuck in a drunk while his wife was getting her hair done, we had an interesting drunk texting conversation, and he had his meltdown verbally with her in the car on the way home. He either is embarrassed by what he said or truly doesn’t remember, because the next day he was all apologies to her and claims (to me) he doesn’t remember what was said.
Then, last week, I developed left flank pain that increased in intensity and started radiating centrally and forward that was so bad that I couldn’t sit comfortably. I reached my breaking point on day three of this pain and headed to my local emergency room. Going in, of course I was texting with both A and O, and they each were worried about me. I told them I thought one of two things were going on: 1) I had a kidney infection and needed IV antibiotics; or 2) the bite mark caused more damage than I knew and I had a build up of blood internally causing issues. Well, proof once again that I’m not a physician – it turned out that I have a pinched muscle in my back that’s causing left flank pain. They gave me a shot of Toradol and sent me home, where I proceeded to drink a bit too much wine and that’s where both A and O found me when they came to check on me that night.
As stuff in A’s life is coming to a head, I was texting with O, saying I didn’t sleep well, largely because I was worried about A, and he said: “If A is verging on cracking up from all the pressure and is having episodes where he is not really in control of himself, please promise me you will be careful.”
Me: “Of course. Honestly, he has never said or done anything to make me concerned. He can be a pain in the ass, but he’s always been very caring and gentle except when I ask for him not to be. I’m not worried”
O: “That’s cool. I guess I am just saying to be sure he is in control when you put yourself in his control. You were at the hospital last week for what you thought might be internal bleeding so forgive me if I am coming across as overly cautious. “
Me: “Hahaha. Point made. But that was unintentional on his part!”
O: “That is exactly my point: unintentional=not in control. Just…be careful please. I care about you.”
Me: “No, it wasn’t out of control at all. It was a non-painful bite over my surgery scar. Had it been anywhere else, there would not have even been a mark. It was an accident, not lack of control.”
O: “Be careful please.”
Me: “I will. But you need to understand that I have no concerns at all. I have no reason to mistrust A. In fact, if I did, it would destroy our dynamic, as it only works with trust. I think your imagination is getting the better of you. We have all been drunk and said things that were inappropriate. That’s what happened here.”
O: “Of course you know A best and you are probably right about my imagination. I am not questioning your trust in him. It is just he has been a little random in him behaviour lately. …I am not trying to limit you, really. I am learning it is not easy for someone to care about someone in a bdsm relationship with someone else (when the first party hasn’t built up their own trust with the someone else yet) and communicate that care to the other without sounding controlling…
…I realized on the walk over that askin0g you to be careful was a trigger for you. It has probably been used against you in the past. I apologize if I brought up bad associations for you. I will be more cognizant of my usage of that word in the future. …”
Me: “Can I say how much I love that you are so introspective and think about how what you say and do affects the people you love? I was trying to think how I was going to respond to you and realize I don’t really need to.”
Truthfully, I was upset when I read the first part of his last text. I decided to put my phone down and think how I would like to respond to O. I was upset by the portrayal of A as out of control. I was upset that my judgement was being questioned. I’ve never seen A anything but in control and I’ve tried to push him outside his comfort zone many times. But as I thought about it, I realized that this is the second time in a week that people who don’t know A well have talked about him in a less than positive way. I realized that it must have something to do with me and the way I talk about him, the dynamics of our relationship in and out of the bedroom, and my portrayal of our interactions together.
I’ve known from the beginning of our relationship that A isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. I’ve talked to a person or two who say they don’t understand him or he wasn’t their favourite person, and because I once thought he was a little too cocky, I sort of understood. As I got to know him better, I saw past the somewhat cocky and arrogant exterior and realized that there is a man with a giant, kind, empathetic, and generous heart behind his walls. All along, I said to every person: “It’s OK if you don’t like him, I just want you to respect our relationship, because he is important to me, and he’s not going anywhere”. Truthfully, now that we are so close, it really bothers me when people misjudge him.
I think that people take his attitude and then start extending it to our dom/sub dynamics. I think that in theory, people understand that everyone has different desires, kinks, and fetishes, and that for some, nothing but missionary vanilla sex is ever needed and for others, group sex with whips and needles and all kinds of “out there” kinks is the order of the day. I have very liberal minded friends and partners. They generally say that they don’t understand the BDSM stuff that A and I are into, but they support our choices and understand that it’s consensual and something we do love. The problem is, I think that they want to support it, but because they don’t understand it, they can’t. Then, if they have assumptions about myself, or A or anyone else, they conflate the ideas and misunderstandings like this occur.
This fact has me wanting to put into words what my relationship with A is *really* like from my perspective. Who A is to me. I hope I can accomplish this, although I’m not sure I can.
A is my boyfriend. He is everything that the word should inspire you to think when you think of a boyfriend. We have spent more time together lately with our clothes on, either just chatting with each other in his truck, or having an adult beverage at a local pub, or out at a disappointing sex show, than we have naked. Our dom/sub dynamic has a very defined start and stop. It is only in the bedroom and it is only while we are actively playing. I’ve been asking for him to just come in and ravage me, but consent, in the form of a very enthusiastic “YES!!!” is necessary every time. Truthfully, I initiate sex over 95% of the time. There is no victimization or abuse in our relationship, everything we do, we do because I’ve asked for it.
When not actively playing, the majority of our relationship we could pass as a vanilla couple. In the last week, he made time to come visit me during my one hour lunch break at my second job. He crawled into the back seat of his truck with me just to cuddle me because I was having a hard time. He declined a back seat blow job because he “really enjoys just talking” to me. There were moments in the truck where we just looked at each other and smiled, hugging and kissing gently and lovingly. A few weeks ago, when I was having feelings about A and U having “lunch”, he was legitimately concerned he hurt me. He called me to talk it out. Ten months in, we had our first phone conversation because he was concerned about how I was doing emotionally and I gave him reassurance that I was not, in fact, hurt and angry, but understood that I needed to process what had happened and work through it. He’s the boyfriend who has told me, unequivocally, how amazing he thinks I am, and how I’m the “best girlfriend ever’, (not just because of the awesome sex, but because as he says, I’m “unlike anyone he’s ever met”). The love and the connection has just intensified exponentially in the past months as his walls began crumbling and the man I knew was behind those walls has come into the light.
Those things explained, I need to talk about what I get out of submission. What needs to be reiterated is exactly how strong of a person I am. I’m highly educated, I have a professional career that I love, I work a second job because it’s different and dynamic and allows me to help people in real time, and I need the money because I am paying for a divorce. My separation means that I parent my four children 60% of the time and that they are with their dad the rest of the time. As part of my separation, I will take over the mortgage on my house and assume all responsibility for the bills associated with it. I have an amazing in-home caregiver who cares for my children when I’m at work and who cooks, cleans, and does laundry, generally being entirely responsible for the fact that I always have clean underwear and can find anything at all in my house. I have had a huge diversity of experiences in my life, some of them awful, some of them wonderful. But I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I am a support to the people around me. I am not easily manipulated, pushed around, or abused.
For years, I had fantasies in my alone time about submission. I never thought it would happen, because I was monogamous and F was not at all dominant. Then, when I first had sex with D, I realized I liked a man who took control. BDSM wasn’t his thing at all, but he knew what he wanted and wasn’t scared to drive the bus. When we got drunk and I crossed the couch and A and I started our relationship, he was even more willing to drive the bus. I started talking about things I wanted to try, largely because he was the first man who was ever hard enough on my nipples. (Truthfully, I’d never enjoyed my nipples being played with before.) The fact that he was naturally hard on me turned me on, and as I talked more about things I’d like to try, he obliged. I created my own dom, in a sense, as he became one because I asked him to. What I found was this: I am submissive through and through but only sexually. I like being told what to do. It never ceases to amaze me that I instantly get wet when I’m given an order. A texted me once on his way over with a picture of a girl kneeling on the floor, hands on knees, looking down, naked, with the caption: “Like this toy. Nipple clamps are not optional”. I was immediately ready to be fucked. I was waiting exactly like he asked. It’s all just hot to me. I like that he uses me like he wants. I love the rush and sting of any and all of the floggers. I love the squirm and the squeal that come out of me with nipple torture or biting. I frequently soak the bed before he’s even touched my pussy. The more immobile I am, the hotter it is for me. For him, he prefers to give me orders and have me able to move at will, because that means that I am continuing to submit, constantly making the choice to come back for more.
When we first started our trip down the rabbit hole, I would text him during the day of our date and tell him what I wanted him to do. He would oblige and add a bit here and there. Somewhere along the way, I stopped doing so. I usually say if something is off the table, but rarely ask for anything unless I really want it. He is in sole control of the bus most of the time. (Which is good, because by the time he’s done, I can rarely walk!) At the beginning, he was gentler, he started slow and worked up. He checked in often. I’d ask for harder, and he’d say “Not today, we want to do this and check in first and escalate slowly”. He was careful and methodical and generous and kind. My experience was everything to him. Now, I don’t need to ask for what I want, because he knows me so well. What he comes up with is always better than what I would request. There’s also something super sexy in the unknown.
What I get is simple. I get lost completely in sensation. There is absolutely nothing else going on in the world when I’m with A. I am totally and completely with him in that moment. The sensations overwhelm my body. Each strike, each thrust, each gag on his cock is everything in that moment. There’s a point where pain becomes pleasure and pleasure and pain mix to set my whole body on fire and I become overwhelmed with the sensations and fall into this amazing ‘subspace’ where I just am. It’s the most liberating and all encompassing sensation I could ask for. The intensity and build up of all orgasm control play lights me on fire. He was the first man to make me squirt and it happens regularly now.
What it isn’t is me lying there taking a beating. There’s laughter and joking and whining and begging and feedback and checking in. There are orders and control, but no one would question that I like it. It’s not constant pain, in fact I’d say I spend more time orgasming than getting flogged, thanks to a magic wand and forced orgasms. We debrief to a different extent every time. Sometimes it’s collapsing in each other’s arms and not saying much, sometimes it’s dissecting what happened and what we liked, didn’t like, what was too much, what we want more of, and where we would like to take things. Sometimes we watch stand up comedy sketches or listen to music together. Sometimes we just chat about life. The point is, aftercare is a huge part of everything we do. There’s never a quicky with us.
Whenever we try something new, A will check in with me periodically. During our foursome, he stopped what he was doing, I was a puddle on the bed, and he came over, lovingly stroked my hair and kissed me and asked me how I was doing, if I was OK, and if there was anything I needed or wanted. If I say something is too much, he dials back or switches to something else. If I say “no” to something, he always respects it. He is always watching for my reactions and feedback and body language.
I asked A what he gets out of being my dom. He said he didn’t know, or couldn’t put it into words. He said he does it because I love it, what he enjoys is how I respond to him. All this together just reminds me that I need to be better at explaining that this is about me and what I want more than about him *doing* something to me.
The true power in power exchange is in the hands of the sub. Submission is a gift given willingly and the submissive controls every limit and how it will be pushed. I could end everything with a simple word: “red”. I’ve never even got close to saying it, because, like every great dom, A knows me and my limits and how and when to push those boundaries.