Part 3: A’s thoughts about our first date

I threw in a quick “A, want to write your version out for me?” line in my last blog post about our first date and how we ended up together yesterday.  A obliged me with his version and it was super fun to read.  Copy editing only, although there are a few of my comments interlaced again (I particularly like that I get to say what I want without interruption).

My first date with the person who has now been a regular part of my life for the past 9 months or so: 

We connected electronically, and decided that drinks would be a good, safe first date. I was tasked the duty of picking a location, so I picked one of my favorite locales.  This was shot-down nearly immediately as her husband was planning on having a date at the establishment, so plan B it was.  (GF: day of, actually, when I checked our shared calendar and realized he was going to the same place!  Nothing like the pressure of a last minute venue change on a first date!) We went to a pub on the edge of downtown, easy for both of us to get to after work, and big enough and loud enough that we would be swallowed up by everything happening around us, and our conversation wouldn’t be overheard!!  Going into this date, I had learned from friends of ours that one of them (D) was struggling with the dating/poly culture in Edmonton, and wasn’t having much success.  I will point out at that time, I wasn’t having much success either, but I’m picky and choosy and notoriously oblivious to obvious cues specifically from women who are interested in me, so its more my fault than anyone else’s.  

The date. I think I arrived first, as I have an issue with being early for everything, turns out GF has the issue, so it was basically a race to see who could be there earlier! (GF: I arrived first, at least 15 minutes early, and A arrived late – the only time he’s ever been late in our entire relationship!) GF came in and we hugged (GF: He came in. I extended my arm to shake his hand, and he said “I’m a hugger!” and pulled me in for a quick hug)  and sat down and started a 5 hour 2 or 3 bottle of wine conversation that ranged far and wide, and it was amazing. Or at least parts of it where amazing.  The unbelievable coincidence of GF knowing two people that my wife and I are close to, and that the husband (D) was her second first date that week was a little surprising and off-putting.  Still after that the conversation swung back into regular, natural conversation and it was still very good.  Then she very casually, as one would normally in conversation when telling a story, said the name one of her daughters.  GF has written about this a couple of times, but that name is uncommon – very uncommon – and to hear it unprompted and unprepared had an obvious impact on the conversation, the mood at the table, and my general talkative nature.  The loss is not something I spend a lot of time talking about, and it’s not normally something that I just throw out on a first date!  That changed the tone of the conversation, as I had to explain what I’m sure was a perplexing response to a name to GF as she was ‘pestering’ me for answers.   (GF:  I was so confused by his response.  I said my daughter’s name and his reaction was profound and unexpected.  I said he couldn’t react like that to me saying my daughter’s name and not tell me why.  It certainly took some convincing to get him to spill the heartbreaking story.)

I picked up a vibe from GF that a second date wasn’t looking promising, the coincidences were just too close to home and that sexual energy just wasn’t sparking. (GF: Safe to say we found that spark and created a roaring bonfire!!!)  I think that I had also decided at that time I needed to bow out for similar reasons but also for D to have a chance as I recognized that GF is a pretty amazing person and I wasn’t 100% sold on us as a couple/dating going forward.  Sometimes my thoughts and compassion for others steps out and puts other’s needs ahead of mine.  This is one of those cases. Generally speaking I’m a two date guy, first dates can be super hard, lots of pressure, unknowns, etc, etc, but a second date has less pressure and people are generally more themselves and thus I am able to get a better read on people.  This probably explains why it took me so long to figure shit out with GF, I never had a “second” date.

The rejection email.  Most of our conversations happened via email, so it was the natural choice to send the note that there wasn’t a second date in the cards. (GF: This is very true, it never seemed weird to me that he sent it via email. It’s not like we dated for six months and he decided to break up with me via email, that would be a douche move!)  GF has eluded to it in other posts, and while I’m flattered, my ability to read people is not as good, precise, or as directed as she makes it sound. I’m no professional mentalist able to discern your thoughts based on what you are wearing, how you are sitting and what you do with your hands!  It’s also something that I’m not always 100% aware of or that I do consciously (if that makes any sense). So the email, it was a genuine attempt to convey my thoughts and the lack of chemistry, I hate people being ‘ghosted’ or left wondering what happened.  I also truly enjoyed the conversation, GF is smart, like crazy, could be scary, intimidatingly smart, which I love! So the offer to meet for coffee/drinks again, was just that, I enjoyed the spirited conversation and discussion we had. Finding someone who could have these types of discussions, and keep up, hold their own and have the spirit and back-bone to stand up to me and my thoughts was somebody I wanted to keep around. It was that simple, there was no, or I don’t recall there being any, ‘ulterior motive’ to continue the connection.  Everything else that has happened has just been a massive bonus, and I’m thankful that I sent that ‘rejection letter’.

 

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Part 2: When A tells his story about the night we met and I start thinking

So, in addition to the foursome post, something came out from A last night that I need to write out.   I wrote the other day about our first date and how weird it was.  We were telling the story to U and Z last night and he added that he got from me the impression that he wasn’t supposed to kiss me when he walked me to the car that night and he was right, I was pretty sure we wouldn’t have a second date about half way through the evening when my daughter’s name brought up his biggest hurt.  I remember that good-bye like it was yesterday.  I really liked A.  We had amazing connection and fantastic conversation.  I remember hugging him good-bye (and running my hand down his arm, through his hand, and letting go at the last minute) and being sad that I probably wouldn’t see him again, but knowing that we didn’t have that instant romantic/sexual attraction.  I drove home that night thinking about how weird it was that we could have this fantastic connection that for so many reasons we couldn’t pursue.  I was elated to have a great date and sad that the date wasn’t going anywhere at the same time.

So, A told (part of) his side of the story last night.  (Hey A!  Want to write out your version of what happened for me?)  The side of the story I’ve never really heard.  He said that after our date, he talked to his wife about it, his wife talked to D’s wife, and D’s wife explained what a hard time D was having with finding a partner.  A decided that between my clear “don’t kiss me” message (this cracks me up now, because I frequently have to beg for a ‘proper’ kiss) and the fact that D and I were talking and D was *really* interested in me at that time, that he would step back, despite the connection.  

This is where I haven’t entirely got his version of the story, because I frequently get distracted when we talk (truthfully, I jump from topic to topic with everyone, this is the only place I ever stay on topic, which is probably why A likes reading it, because he actually gets a coherent portrayal of my emotions and thought process), but I can only assume that he sent me that rejection letter because he is truly that respectful of women and feels that people deserve closure.  Part of me thinks (hopes?) that he was a little more interested in me and kept thinking about our awesome connection and conversation for those two weeks and wanted to extend a “safe” olive branch.  The other part of me thinks that when we decided to be friends and had our night out as friends, we were both ourselves in a more genuine way, and the connection was obvious, and that the day we had sex for the first time was just a natural progression after we spent so many hours confirming our connection and attraction.  (This makes me think of our messages to each other in the interim.  I guess if I think about it, they were actually rife with innuendo….)

The attraction itself probably needs to be addressed.  A is a very good looking man, but really that doesn’t matter that much to me.  What he is that matters is smart, confident, sure of himself, unapologetically himself, and just a little bit cocky.  Behind all that, it was obvious to me, thanks to our ridiculous first date, he is kind, sensitive, and loving.  He is genuine and caring.  He is one of those rare men that isn’t scared to take control, but in doing so he will care for everyone. I have learned in these nine months that he also always owns his shit.  He takes responsibility for his actions. He apologizes when he fucks up and he also stands his ground when he needs to.  These are two qualities I have learned that I absolutely need in a man.  

Perhaps his process of attraction was different.  I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.  I’m a beautiful person.  But I’m not society’s version of beautiful. My attractiveness comes from my strength, my intelligence, my determination, and my ability to communicate what I need and want from people in my life.  I am a perpetual optimist, I’m an amazing friend, I’m extremely kind and loving, I’m very good at my profession, I’m completely committed, loyal, and devoted to those I love, I’m strong beyond measure, and I’m caring to a fault.  I’m also a bit cocky, a bit smug, a bit judgmental, and a bit intimidating to many.  I’m also very open and loving and extremely and unabashedly sexual!  But my face, especially my eyes, reveal everything I feel.  I’m an open book to people like A, who specialize in reading people, so maybe that’s where his attraction to me begins and ends – he just knows me.  

The reality is, we have our story – a story that is strange and wonderful and ridiculous and difficult to define.  But none of that really matters.  No matter what we call it, we are committed to these adventures together, supporting each other along the way..

 

Part 1: When the hot foursome outdoes the hot threesome!

My life just keeps getting more and more interesting.  After U showed her hubby (who I’ll call “Z”), the videos taken of our super hot threesome, he messaged me telling me that my blow job face was sultry and asking if we’d be interested in a foursome.  What followed was a week of flirting over messenger and planning for a date last night.  We started a group chat and talked about rules and desires and everything in between.  It was pretty great actually and I spent the entire week turned on and anticipating what was coming this weekend.

I worked a night shift Friday night at my second job, slept Saturday away, and woke up mid-afternoon with nothing but anticipation of the night to come on my mind.  I knew that many of my fantasies were going to be fulfilled, but I was a little nervous about sex with a new partner.  I was especially nervous knowing that Z is also a dom, he’s U’s dom, and that in our foursome, U and I would be the submissives of both A and Z.  I have a complete and total trust for A, we’ve ventured down the rabbit hole together and he knows me so well.  But Z?  Z was a complete unknown to me.  What if he was too aggressive? What if he was too demeaning? (One of my soft limits – I don’t deal well with humiliation and demeaning).  What if everything got awkward, and all the hot of the previous weekend disappears?

Well, it was equally as comfortable as the threesome was.  We got there early enough that we had time for some drinks in their kitchen while we were waiting for kids to fall asleep, and joked and laughed and it was clear pretty quickly that A and Z would get along just fine, and as Z brushed past me in the kitchen, he spent longer and longer rubbing against me until he reached up my skirt and I started rubbing the front of his jeans.  U and I joked last weekend that we both stopped and put our hair up (I get the BEST ‘just got fucked’ hair, and sometimes it’s a little ridiculous,  so I started making sure I had a hair tie handy, and apparently she does too!), before anything happened with A.  So, to start things, she said “Is it time to put our hair up yet?”  I have no doubt that this is going to be our code phrase moving forward!

We moved to the bedroom and things just escalated.  Watching A tie up U while Z established his dominance over me was hot as fuck.  A and Z spitroasting me while U was tied up and forced to watch?  Amazing.  Sucking off A while U licked me and Z fucked her?  Unbelievable.  There were so many fantasies that were realized last night that I may have to come up with whole new ones!  It was incredible.  There were three highlights of the night for me.  The first was having a man fucking me while the other fucked my face.  The second was giving Z head while U was giving A head.  I worked Z well, because he had amazingly easy to read reactions, so I knew when he was getting close and could slow down and delay things (Edging is fun!).  I looked up once, saw Z watching me and that just made me hotter.  Then I looked over at A, and realized that he was watching me.  We caught each other’s eyes and I smiled with my mouth full of cock.  I realized that while I was pleasuring Z, I was also entertaining A.  Basically, he was watching live porn while getting sucked off.  A and I made eye contact at least three times during those simultaneous blow jobs.  Each time I felt like we were connected though apart. I love finishing a guy off and I finally let Z cum in my mouth.  As soon as I finished him off, I moved over to help U with A.  A loves two women sucking his cock, and I love to oblige his fantasies and turn him on as much as possible. He didn’t cum, but it was safe to say he enjoyed himself immensely.

We ended up cuddling and chatting, me with A and U and Z.  All together, but our separate couple units.  A checked in with me, making sure I was OK, holding me, and making me feel safe and loved and secure.  I asked him to take me home and continue what we started there and he obliged.  

On the way home, we debriefed a bit. Both of us were happy with how things went, although A would have like to fuck U and I would have liked to have Z fuck me.  We discussed the parameters where we would do it again and how we felt about everything.  We laughed about how the adventure of our relationship has developed and once again about how A sent me a rejection letter once. (More on this in part 2!)

The third favourite thing of the night was being alone in my bed with A.  Getting him all to myself.  Sucking him hard and then having him fuck me hard and use me as he wished.  Then him rolling off of me and challenging me to finish him off.  I did.  We took hot pictures.  And when he came, my normal very quiet boyfriend made the sexiest sounds ever, and filled my mouth with the largest load I’ve ever swallowed.

Where do we go from here?  We do it again.  We have another date set for the four of us in a couple weeks.  I’ve wanted more of what A offers me in the bedroom for quite a while.  The fact is that I have started to crave the control he has over me.  I have started to need submission and find it hard to go a whole week in between.  I find that my vanilla partners, while amazing in their own right, can’t do everything for me sexually that I need.  I’ve wanted a second dom for a while, to bridge the gap between times I see A.  (Truly, I want another date with A every week, but he doesn’t have the time to give me.)  So, I messaged U today and asked her if they would be interested in playing with me alone when A was unavailable.  The response?  “Totally!”  So, it looks like I’ll be a unicorn in my own right starting in the near future.  I’m not sure where we will take this. Will it be an awesome sexy FWB situation where we are just great friends that fuck?  Will we end up dating? Will we be dating as a couple or will I be dating them and bring my A in whenever I can?  I don’t know.  I’m not sure I care.  I’m so happy to have amazing friends like U, who can be my best friend who I can fuck and talk about kids with and talk about sex with and talk about other partners with and talk about feelings with and it’s never weird.  I already love her, what happens next doesn’t scare me at all.  I’m still unable to do casual sex, but it turns out that I’m able to blur the line between friendship and sex just a little!

10 things I learned this week

  1. When your friend asks your boyfriend for a one-on-one date after a hot threesome, you might have some feelings on the matter.  It may surprise you that it is not jealousy – the idea of them having sex is hot to you  – it’s the fact that he already doesn’t have that much time for you to begin with, you don’t want to lose more time with him.  He responds in the most reassuring and loving way he can. It’s perfect.
  2. When you start talking about feelings with said boyfriend and then rather than feel the disappointment of his inappropriate response, you get ridiculously drunk, it is a bad idea to drunk text your ex-boyfriend who you have finally managed to get comfortable with being in the same place as you again.  You might make things awkward.  Making an apologetic joke about your train of thought derailing and then exploding is not sufficient to make up for your drunken ramblings. You might not care that much; rather, you just find it funny.
  3. When your friend shows the super sexy videos from your threesome to her rather hot husband, he may start texting you asking to experience your hot blowjob face.  You might like the idea and start planning a foursome.
  4. When another ex-boyfriend says he wants to acknowledge your relationship and what it means to you both on Fetlife, and you decide on “It’s complicated” because nothing else seems appropriate, you realize that nothing about how you feel about each other or what your relationship means is actually complicated, because you have good communication and boundaries and neither of you want a classical relationship, but it sure is complicated to try to explain that to others.
  5. When you know you have the most amazing friends because one contacts you because she wants to talk about your friendship and what it means to her, you know you have an amazing friend who communicates so very well.  
  6. When you come out to a favourite coworker and an old friend each in a matter of days  and they just respond with support and “How do you have the energy for all the sex?!?”, you know you have amazing people in your life who only want the best for you.
  7. When you see multiple people in a week who haven’t seen you in a while and they comment on how happy and settled and content you are, you know you are living your life exactly how you should.
  8. When you dye your 7, 5, and 4-year-olds’ hair with bright blue, purple, and pink hair dye, you will learn that it is a very bad idea to ever dye the hair of a 5 and 4-year-old. But fuck will it be cute.
  9. When you go for lunch with the boyfriend and the friend you had a hot threesome with and she says her neck was sore from your boyfriend choking her and you get jealous for the first time about him being with her, because he’s never choked you so much your neck was sore, you realize you are truly and completely a submissive, and it just all makes you so happy to have him as your dom.
  10. You sleep, alone, in your house after a night shift for the first time ever and you wake up with the incredible thought that your life is exactly what  you want it to be and you can do anything you choose with it, you realize exactly how truly and completely happy you are.

 

Rejection letter ripples

A and I are coming up on the anniversary of our first date. November 4. Two weeks after our first date, out of the blue, I got this email from A.

Good Morning,

Sorry for dropping off the radar, it is a busy time for me at work, and I’ve been fighting a cold or something which as dropped my energy levels. I didn’t want to ‘ghost’ you, I believe that is the correct term, I’m not one of those cool, young hip kids who know all the slang.

As much as I enjoyed dinner and our varied conversation, I felt that something was missing from a romantic standpoint. I wouldn’t rule out friendship, though as I really did enjoy talking with you!

I’d be up for another bottle of wine or cocktails to further our discussion on religion, and now we could add the US election and the new ‘white’ culture and paranoid fear state!

Cheers,

A

My response was:

Hi A!

I really didn’t expect to hear from you, what a nice surprise! I figured out about halfway through our date that there wouldn’t be a second, for the same reason as you, the chemistry just wasn’t there. But I did, very much, enjoy chatting with you, and would love to meet for drinks some time. I would love to completely agree with each other in all the ways to solve the world’s problems over wine!

The truth was, I didn’t think I would ever hear from him again. I was dating B and D, F and I were starting our downhill descent to divorce, and I was completely consumed with NRE for D. I did, however, very much enjoy our first date. We got along very well, with instant chemistry. There was never a lull in conversation and we laughed and drank a lot. So why did I know there wasn’t going to be a second date? Well, because when an hour in, we find out that A knows D and their wives are best friends, that can make things awkward. But true awkwardness prevails when I unintentionally, by saying my daughter’s name, reveal his life’s biggest hurt. Because our daughters share a name, a very beautiful but uncommon name, he had to tell me about the death of his daughter on our first date. This is undoubtedly not a recipe for romantic connection.

A and I went out once as friends. We had a great time. Without the “date” part of it in the background, we were just our raw, honest selves. We proceeded to spend about six hours drinking wine and chatting, and I even had to sleep off some of the wine in my office before I drove home. We talked about everything that night and it was so fun. At one point I remember thinking “It’s too bad we don’t have a romantic connection, because we could have a really good time.” In fact, I may have said that out loud.

Then, exactly two months after our first date, A came over for some wine and a chat on the couch. After five hours of drinking and chatting, we ended up clothes-less in bed. It was the start of what we have now. For this reason, we had our first date just over 11 months ago, but have only been dating for nine months.

As A was driving us home last Friday after our super hot night with U, I said: “Can you believe that you once sent me a rejection email?” His response? “I am very thankful I did!”

For the last few days, I’ve been thinking about that. I was completely prepared to go on with life, never seeing A again. Had he not decided to send me that email telling me that he didn’t feel a romantic connection, but would like to meet again, I wouldn’t have ever really thought about him again, apart from the fact that I was dating D and would have heard about him from time to time. I would never have chatted with him freely as his friend in a bar for hours and then on my couch for even more hours and then at some point realized he was sending out the signals that more than friendship was welcome and crossed the couch.

I guess the enormity of the ripple effect of seemingly simple acts are something I’ve become increasingly cognizant of. From choosing to take Chemistry 30 in Grade 11 and meeting X in that class, which 22 years later led to him introducing me to polyamory to A sending me a rejection letter, which led to us creating this amazing non-traditional, on-our-own-terms, fantastically hot relationship that we have, I’m just blown away by how some seemingly innocuous things happen, and they end up having such life altering ripple effects.

The exact right thing

Sometimes things just work.  My life has ramped up in busyness.  I’m back full speed at work but loving every minute of it. F is about to move out into his own rental place.  We transferred ownership of our vehicles the other day and the cashier at the registry commented on how good we got along for people about to divorce and I laughed.  It seems that the stressful days that I have experienced aren’t the definition of stressful for most people and F and I actually get along pretty well.  Funnily enough, after I said that we have four children together, so we both know we are stuck together for the rest of our life, and it’s better to get along, she says “Oh, so what happened?  Did you two just grow apart?”  So, I responded in the only way I know how to when it comes to a complete stranger asking you to sum up the cause of you choosing to end your 14 year relationship as casual conversation.  I said: “Sure, let’s go with that!”

That same evening, F and I sorted through some household items.  We spent four hours together. Four hours, where we didn’t fight. We laughed, we talked, we compromised, we joked, we ate pizza with our kids. I had a glimpse of what it can be like if we manage to become friends, coparents, and a team for our kids.  It was an amazing gift of premonition about the potential we have.

Even later in that evening, I had my normal Friday night date with A.  I hate calling them “normal”, because our relationship is anything but.  It’s unique and fun and full of connection and mind-blowing sex.  When every time you have sex, it’s ‘top three’ good, you know you have something worth keeping.   

Earlier in the week, I found myself alone with time to spare, and smoked a joint and spent sometime with my thoughts. During that time, my brain got in a negative loop that wouldn’t stop.  I started doubting everything.  Somewhere in my logical, not stoned, brain, I decided to email myself a list of questions that I should ponder, when, I wrote:  “you are capable of legally operating a motor vehicle”.

The next couple days, I spent processing my doubts.  My insecurities.  The imbalance in our feelings for each other.  Wondering if that translated into bigger problems that I am unaware of. Wondering if it meant that the commitment that we share isn’t shared at all.  Somewhere, in all of that, I knew that the problem was mine, not his, and that it was mine to work through and didn’t need to be communicated until I’d processed the shit out of it.  

As I processed, I realized that the root of my issues laid in the fact that there are things in our relationship that scream of “this is not a relationship but a side-piece”.  In my infinite loop of negativity, I focused on a couple things that really bothered me.  Among them was the fact that I’ve never been to his house.  That he never invites me out to anything.  That he nearly never comes out when I invite him out with my friends (and is rather dismissive of the idea in general).  And, as always, back to the fact that he doesn’t love me.

I get it.  He’s busy.  He often says something like “If you want me to come out to this event, then I can’t come to your place on Friday”.  I guess I feel like my kids must feel when I give them a choice between two things they really want.  Like no matter what, I lose one of the things I really want. That, right there, is where I was going wrong. I was losing sight of the fact that in that situation, no matter what, I win.  I win time with a man who brings so much value to my world.

As I was processing the shit out of my twisty bits that I didn’t need to communicate, A came to a poly pub night for one of the Facebook polyamory groups I’m part of.  I had been inviting him out every month since January, and the closest he got to coming was when he picked me up from the very first one, drove me home, and we broke my bed!  The happiness and comfort I felt sitting in between A and L, a hand on each of their legs at that poly pub night, was extraordinary.  It’s an incredible thing, to be out with two men I love, and being able to be out about it.  To have them sit at the same table and interact with each other and everyone else. There’s something so comforting about my life choice being understood and accepted and the men who are so important to me being accepted without question.  The gorgeous man in the suit on my right who can command a room in a second and the cute guy who is a little awkward in jeans and a t-shirt on my left.  It’s a wonderful place to be, however temporary.

This seemingly small thing, A coming out to this night, was so special to me.  More important than it should be. One of my friends questioned why it was important to me, and it got me thinking.  Why is it?  It’s because it legitimizes my place in his life.  It acknowledges it aloud in the only place we can.  A place that has been missing in my life since D left it, because with our polycule, back then, everything was acknowledged and normal.  The next day, on our Friday date, we were talking about the night and how he probably wouldn’t come out again.  It was hard for me to understand.  On a visceral level, it hurt to hear that he wouldn’t be willing to come out with me again.  So I asked him “why?” He said the only thing I didn’t expect to hear.  The one thing I hadn’t considered.  He said: “We have so little time together, that when we have it, I don’t want to share you with other people.”  This is a paraphrase, possibly misrepresented, but if so, it’s what I want to remember it as.  In that moment, he put a brake on the negative thoughts revolving around in my head, and reset me.  

It never occurred to me that he didn’t come out with me because he wanted me alone.  It never occurred to me that he valued the time with me alone.  It never occurred to me that he didn’t like sharing my attention.  It never occurred to me that he had thought about the fact that he would rather be the focus of my attention than to share it.  It never occurred to me that he wanted to focus his attention on me.  

He said the one thing that I needed to hear.  He’s either the most perceptive person on the planet, exceedingly lucky, or very good at reading what people want from him.  No matter what, I’m happy that he said what I needed to hear.  That I matter to him. That he wants to be with me. That he values me.

It seems so silly when I read it.  But being valued is pretty much the most amazing feeling in the world.

 

Monster metamour musings

Today, there was a post about metamours on a local Facebook polyamory group I’m a member of.  I saw the post in the morning and spent all day thinking about metamours. I have had a pretty wide range of metamours, when I think about it.  X’s girlfriend knew about me, but we’ve never interacted, because we lived in different cities. Fun fact: I’ve actually not seen him in person in 14 years.  B’s wife knew about me, but didn’t want to hear about me. She was very much “don’t ask, don’t tell” in her philosophy.  I suspect that a lot of this had to do with her unhappiness in their marriage, which ended in January this year. Then there was W.  She embodies everything that makes a metamour a nightmare. She was manipulative, insulting, passive aggressive, and outright lied.  She interfered in my relationship with F and she interfered in my relationship with other people.  She continues to get involved in our divorce and my kids keep coming home asking me questions about things she says to them.  I keep hearing the horrible things she is saying about me to friends.  She is a perfect example of what I never want to be as a metamour.  

Then there was D’s wife. She exemplifies everything I ever want to be as a metamour.  She welcomed me into her life before I even started dating D.  It was nothing for us to hang out before D came home from a date or for us to go for dinner together with her boyfriend or to go for brunch just the three of us.  She is the woman who gave up her spot in the bed so D and I could spend the night together, spontaneously, when I crashed a gathering they were at.  She is the woman who heard from someone else that I had said something that she wasn’t OK with, so she came directly to me with her concerns.  She is the model of metamour that I follow.  No judgement, no drama, great communication, support, and acceptance.  

A’s wife is very good friends with D’s wife.  I have no doubt they talk about me and that D’s wife plays a role in A’s wife’s acceptance of me in his life.  I have only really met her the once, the same night that D’s wife gave me her spot in the bed. At that time, my relationship with A wasn’t really a relationship yet, and it was new.  We’re 9 months in now, and I haven’t seen her since.  We’ve had a few texts back and forth, but our relationship exists mostly in likes and the occasional comment on Facebook.  I’m sure she knows a lot about me, filtered through A, like I know a lot about her, all filtered through A.  I find it hard sometimes that I don’t have more of a friendship with her.  I really appreciate having my own relationship with my metamours.  I have a natural tendency to think the worst.  So when A has to cancel or limits our time together, my initial reaction is always to blame her.  I always talk myself out of such ridiculousness, because I don’t really know her, so I don’t really know what’s going on in her life, and blaming without understanding of facts is stupid.  The fact is, even if she was dictating everything, it doesn’t matter.  This is where I think that many people would tell me I was in a hierarchical relationship. Perhaps I am and I’m delusional.  The reality is, A is madly in love with his wife. They have 20+ years of history together, some of it wonderful, some of it heartbreaking, but they are each other’s best friends.  They have a family together, they have their routines, and they have their life.  I’m not part of their life.  I’m part of HIS life.  He told me, in that brief period of time we were friends between our first date and our first fuck, that if she ever said she had a problem with his girlfriend, he would end the relationship.  That stuck with me, and while I know he would miss me, I also know where I place in his life, and I know that I’m not as important in his life as he is in mine.

Because of this, I am the metamour I am for her.  I’m not sure she’s even aware she has a metamour, or at least that there is a term for the relationship we have by virtue of sharing the same man romantically.  My position is to be understanding and accommodating and make things easier for all of this to work.  So, when A’s wife was having a hard time one weekend and really needed to spend time with him, I was understanding and forgiving when he cancelled a date.  When we set up weekly dates so that he could keep his weekend dates with his wife and family, I agreed.  It’s why when I try to make plans for us, I ask him to run it by her first, or ask him if she would be OK with me booking us to do an activity.  It’s why I accommodate changes in our plan.  It’s why I try to not ask for more than A can give (I’m not always perfect at this) and try to keep things casual and fun when we’re in between dates.  It’s just my part of making things easy for us to be together.  In the end, it’s about respecting the person I’m dating, his priorities, his obligations, and the other people who are important in his life.  More than that though, it’s about respecting his needs and desires in our relationship and working with him to create the relationship we want together.  

When I met L’s other girlfriend, I knew immediately that we were going to be friends. We just clicked.  I’ve been a source of support for her, welcomed her into my life with open arms, and I haven’t been disappointed.  She is really good for L and complements me well.  She’s young, but has had a life of someone twice her age.  She’s strong and independent and watching her make choices for herself to be happy is amazing.  She reminds me a lot of myself when I was that age, she’s still figuring things out and she’s doing a great job of it.  I’ve fallen into a bit of a mentoring role, mostly because I am older and have been through a lot of the things she is going through, but mostly, I think she’s going to end up being more like family. I can thank D’s wife over and over for showing me how to be supportive and accepting and welcoming of L’s girlfriend into my life.  L is so good at communicating things that he really facilitates his girlfriends being friends.  He loves us both, is committed to us both, and is creating a world with us where we all work.

I guess my point with this is that I think that if we are developing relationships that we allow to evolve on their own, without expectations or pressure, we should also do that with the relationships with our partner’s partners.  I think there are too many expectations in the metamour relationships in polyamory.  I think it’s good to respect your metamours for their decisions and their comfort levels.  What makes you happier and more comfortable may not be doable with them.  Attempt to understand them and be the metamour you would like to have.  

There’s going to be an inevitable time when I have a conflict with a metamour in the future.  I hope when it happens, I remember my own advice, to try and understand them and work with them.