I’m deep in processing things that have happened over the last week. I should be working on some prep work for my full-time job, or perhaps some extracurricular work for my casual job, but I’m finding myself highly unmotivated on the work front. I’ve worked a lot more days in my second job than I have in a long time in this last week. Four day shifts, that are 12.5 hours each. Of course, instead of adulting and going home and sleeping in between, I did something every night. Day one I spent the night at L’s, Day 2 I went for drinks with coworkers who also found themselves single this summer, and day 3 I went out with my new metamour, L’s other partner and we ended up at an event for our local poly group. I got about four hours of sleep a night and although yesterday was Saturday, I crashed at 7:30 and got out of bed at 9 a.m. I feel like a new person today.
This week was full of feelings on my part. Not bad ones, not good ones, but just feelings that I don’t really like to deal with. The twisty bits are often indicative of a problem inside me. Not a problem caused by others, but one that deals with me not processing something properly or being too reactive about something. It means I’ve had to turn inward a bit lately and think about what my feelings mean, what I really want, and where I want to go.
The first was the twisty bits with A. I had thought it was me feeling a little unimportant and unvalued because of some jokes he was making about our relationship and what it means to him. When I spoke to him about it, he assured me he was committed to me and explained again that for him it was less about the words and more about the actions, again. I say again, because we’ve had this talk, and when I think it through, every time, I’m reminded that, yes, he does make me a priority in his busy life. We have our weekly dates and steal away for drinks or lunch when we can. It’s pretty great. So, I was thinking I’d got over the hurdle, when I was in the shower one day and realized that while I was not entirely unjustified in the feelings of being devalued, there was a pattern with me. That is that every time we fall our of our usual routine, or see each other less or there is a period of time coming up where we will be apart for a long time, I have an attack of feelings.
Having thought about this a little more, it actually makes a lot of sense. If he’s showing me that he values me through his actions, through making me a priority and spending time with me, then when he isn’t there, my subconscious reaction is to feel less valued. Of course, understanding this is good, but it’s not enough to just understand it. He’s shown me over and over and over that I’m important to him, and there’s really nothing healthy that can come out of my doubts.
So what do we do?
Fuck if I know! But I think that in the periods of absence, I need just a little more of the things that aren’t being in the same room where we can touch each other. Checking in and chatting, good mornings and good nights, those things. Part of it is that where we used to chat all day long, now it’s a quip here and there and the only real substance comes when we are together in person. Add to that the fact that his wife is a little sensitive to him texting with me when he’s with her, where she didn’t before, and the next thing I know, we’re hardly in contact. What this means is a bit of anxiety about him going away for a few weeks and not being able to talk to him. I think I just need to deal with it, with the hope that since we can’t fill up on time together before he goes, we can fill up again when he returns.
The other feelings had to do with L. He was home but didn’t answer the door when I was stopping by at his house to pick up a few things I left there on Thursday night. He knew when I was coming, and didn’t pay attention to the time because he was hanging out with his other partner. I felt pretty damn unimportant. After waiting 20 minutes, I headed home to my parents to sleep. I was quite pissed about travelling about an hour out of my way to not actually get the stuff I needed, which included my nipple ring that had fallen out and I was worried about how quickly it would grow in. In the end, I just made it clear that I was unimpressed and that it was bad form on his part. I explained myself, he apologized, and everything is OK. But what I realized in all of that is that I like him a bit more than I thought. I was trying to control things and like every other time I do that, my heart has other ideas. I’m not in love with him, but I care deeply about him, so when he didn’t answer the door, I was more hurt than I normally would be, had it been a friend or acquaintance. There’s not much to do with this information other than acknowledge that it exists, but sometimes that’s the best way to process and understand all the feelings.
I’m going to miss A terribly when we are apart for three weeks. I’m going to spend some of that time with L. But I’m looking forward to September, a regular schedule, and some normal again. With my men a part of all of it.