Last week I had that day where I was incapable of much other than turning completely inward. The day where I was overwhelmed with what life’s handed me lately. Then I had a couple days where I did my version of procrastination, which involves doing all the things that need doing but aren’t a priority. Including cooking ALL THE THINGS, scheduling my life until December, and about a million other little things. I’m the most productive procrastinator on the planet. It’s just my way.
I’m been working a marathon week at my second job. Like 96 hours in 8 days. Nothing like almost 3 weeks of work in a week! It should seem that this would keep me tightly wound and not coping, but it’s been the opposite. I’ve got lots done, but I’ve also just generally been able to think and work through a lot of stuff. I have so far to go and part of that was the realization of how a whole bunch of goals that aren’t really jiving with the way I’ve been living my life. Hence curtailing the wine consumption and expensive social gatherings and cutting out social media.
Meanwhile, I’ve come up with a pretty solid budget and a list of goals and how to achieve them and a timeline to do many of them in. I like to plan. Did I mention that I scheduled myself until the end of December? Much to A’s disgust? Turns out people think you’re a little strange when you ask them to block off periods of time in September and November and to postpone a vacation that was planned in December until February. When it’s early July. Thankfully, his wife thinks I’m a genius and that planning is awesome, so I basically started talking to her instead.
(Irony of ironies was then talking to a guy I’m sort of interested in and asking if he wanted to come to roller derby with me on the weekend and him saying he couldn’t plan that far in advance and that he had to be more spontaneous, while I was planning my December. My response was: “I really suck at spontaneity, but I’ll let you know if I have available time.”)
A, on the other hand, seems to have found himself a little more time, and has actually had a couple first dates lately. I was slightly surprised that when he told me he had a date, it didn’t bother me. Maybe I was just surprised that he had a first date? It’s been so long since he dated anyone, that it wasn’t exactly expected. He’s been regularly talking to different women the whole time we’ve been together and frequently talks to them until they get bored because he hasn’t asked them out. It was slightly surprising to me that one of the girls made it to a second date. Although, she is a smart, strong woman and sounds super interesting, so he may have just chosen his kryptonite and I should have known better. (More on this later, because it needs its own post)
These first dates happened in and around the time that all the stress of my dad’s funeral was going down, so I really didn’t register much about them. However, I remember a night right before my dad’s funeral where I was in a really dark spot, thinking about my dad and writing his eulogy, thinking about my sister and how awful she was being, and thinking about F and how awful he was being, feeling like maybe A was replacing me. I have to admit to some crushing self-doubt and a getting super twisty. Then recognising that what was driving these feelings wasn’t logic or reason, but the crushing emotional load I was carrying that had nothing to do with A. In fact, he was instrumental in me making it through those horrible four weeks. I will add that there were a lot of other people also giving me a lot of support, key among them, S, who I can talk to about all the feelings, and was there every day to listen to me and just let me vent, in a way that A can’t be, because feelings aren’t his thing.
But back to A, because I don’t really want to get into my grieving and what it was like, because it was hard enough going through it once. I found out that dad died the morning we were supposed to head home from our weekend away in May. A forced me to orgasm until I tapped out just before and said it would be his turn after breakfast and instead of fun sexy time, he had a crying girlfriend, then he had several weeks of a girlfriend who cried on daily basis, even if it wasn’t on his shoulder. That was how he started supporting me through losing my dad. He was the one who stopped by at 1:30 a.m. just to give me a hug when I was having a really hard time. He’s the one who checked in on me daily to see how I was, and even if he didn’t know what to say, there was sympathy and love. He’s also the man who flogged me and fucked me and flogged me some more and helped me forget how I was hurting. He flogged me until I cried, then flogged me some more because I needed to cry more, and even more. It was the first time I ever cried from physical pain during one of our play sessions (I had cried afterwards, as I came out of subspace, but never during). He checked in with me often. At one point I said “Stop”, and he asked me if I really wanted him to, which got an immediate “No!” and he resumed flogging me. It was hot as hell and it was also the most cathartic sex I’ve ever had. After he flogged me head to toe on front and back, he fucked me and made me cum until I asked him to stop. I was so far into subspace that I actually fell asleep and woke up a few hours later still under, and realized when I felt the pain when I got dressed to get up with #4. The next week, the night of my dad’s funeral, he flogged me to tears again. It was amazing and exactly what I needed. But most of all, he held me when I cried, he listened to me, he did exactly what I needed, and after he made me cry the most cathartic cry of my life, he held me while I slept in his arms.
So when I was feeling all twisty about A having dates and potentially being replaced, even though I was in no place to be rational, I was cognisant of the fact that no one can be what A has been for me this last month while he’s thinking about replacing me. No one can fake that kind of love and attention. In fact, I didn’t even see a point in talking to A about it, because once I thought it through, the twisty bits were untangled. Although there was a moment where he joked about reducing me to every two weeks instead where I asked him to either stop joking about it if he was kidding, or that we sit down and talk if he wasn’t. He told me he was joking. The truth is, if he was thinking of replacing me, he would have already broken things off with me.
About a week later, out of the blue, I got a spontaneous “Hey, I love you” from A. My response was “Are you OK?” A isn’t the type to just send a random “I love you”. As part of that conversation, he reassured me that his recent dating efforts weren’t meant to supplant me or reduce his time with me. Honestly, the fact that he just reassured me out of the blue like that meant more than if I had asked. I told him I knew, but I really appreciated the reassurance. The truth is, I know what we have is really amazing, because I’m part of it. I also see the way he looks at me and know the connection we have, both in the bedroom, but even more so out of it. A is a huge source of comfort for me on so many levels, a place of calm, my anchor, someone I laugh with, and can be myself with. But I am all of those things to him too.
A dating is new to me. The last time he dating someone he met online (I’ll not count U, and their confusing ‘dating’ week or two) was the week after the first time we fucked (a year and a half!). Before we had decided it would be a repeat thing. Every first brings its own feelings, experiences, and learning opportunities. This is just another one of those.