Awash in wondering

Time to write about some things that aren’t A-centric.  Of course, he’s been a big part of the new and exciting developments in my life, but there are a couple other people that deserve a little bit of time and attention.  I always write here as if I’m writing to people who don’t know me.  I know a few people who know me in real life read my random musings and I’m sure a few people I know read my thoughts without talking to me about it.  For me, this is all a part of my processing. If I can put words to how I’m feeling, the developments in my life, and adequately portray my process, I’m processing well, I understand myself and who I am and what I need in my life.  Who reads it is less important to me than for me to be clear within myself about how I truly feel.

L and I haven’t seen much of each other in recent weeks. I’ve felt the distance between us and hoped that it would solve itself, rather than feeling the need for an actual conversation about it.  The problem is that he’s busy most evenings, and those few that he is free need to be divided up between two women.  The third woman he’s dating now has a job working evenings, so they get together during the day, a time that never conflicts with my availability.

Two weeks ago, we got together and reconnected. It was cuddles and closeness and some good sex.  It felt like the summer dates when we saw each other more often and could enjoy our time together and not feel like it was being rationed. This last week, we both just wanted to cuddle and sleep.  We ended up doing slightly more than that, but it was rushed and limited.  

I was supposed to go over to L’s Sunday.  Truthfully, I was hoping he’d cancel, I just wanted a day by myself to do random chores and turn inwards a bit.  There have been a lot of new things in my life as of late, and I needed processing and recharging time.  At the same time, I knew that I probably wouldn’t see him this week if I cancelled, so I fired off a text message in the middle of the day asking if we were still on.  I admit to a sense of relief when he said he was having a hard time and needed to be alone.  (It hasn’t escaped my attention that it’s not a good sign if you are relieved that your boyfriend cancels on you).  Then I realized that something was off and asked him.  The rest of the conversation was an exercise in futility.  He was having a hard time with the group sex.  Not the threesome, but the fact that A and I had sex with two other people in the room.  He was being particularly hard on himself for even having feelings about it.  He seemed to have issue that it was something I was doing with A and not with him.  He wasn’t accepting my reassurance or support.  Mostly, I was annoyed, if I’m honest.  I don’t mind people having feelings – lord knows I have them reasonably often – but I was annoyed that he wasn’t owning his and trying to work through them rather than just dumping on me.  I spent a lot of time that night wondering if we are, in fact, compatible. Wondering if I’m too much for him.   In the end, I was just annoyed that the hot new development in my life was tarnished by his response to it.  I was also annoyed that he even had issue with my choices in MY sex life.  The feminist in me wanted to scream from the rooftops that it’s my damn choice and he didn’t have a right to an opinion (unless, of course, I was being unsafe, which I wasn’t).  In reality, I was supportive and kind and understanding, because I can’t hope to understand exactly why he’s feeling the way he is.  Monday, I got an apology from him where he owned his shit and I am no longer annoyed.  Hopefully moving forward will be OK.  More on my personal issues in a bit.

Things with M are….OK?  I think he’s still in, and I think I’m in, but my original lust for him has dwindled a bit.  He’s super hot.  He’s super nice.  But I don’t know if it’s going anywhere.  The sex is fantastic, but keeping my interest and my sexual attraction means stimulating me intellectually and challenging me personally.  I’m not sure he does either.  In particular, he’s got some interesting alternative health and science-sceptic views that aren’t compatible with my very strong scientific knowledge.  It’s my profession for fuck’s sake, so questioning its validity with “well, I just believe….” doesn’t really hit me well.  I think I just need to spend more time with him and see where it goes.  I’m torn because our kids get along so well. It’s amazing.  I really like one of his other girlfriends.  I just don’t know.  He cancelled our date this week and I feel ambivalent about it.  Is it OK to feel ambivalent this early?  I don’t know!

 

With all of these things in mind, here are the personal issues that hit me earlier this week:

The hot sex with A and the hot group sex with U and Z and dom/sub dynamics have my head reeling a bit.  The problem is that I’m having a hard time getting what I need out of the vanilla sex that I have with L and M now.  It’s not like it’s bad sex, it’s just that the “mind-blowing, overwhelmingly hot, overcoming my entire body with desire and exhaustion” – sex that I have with A and had in our threesome and then our foursome makes the great sex I have with L and M seem, well, ordinary.  

The truth is, I don’t know if this is a problem. But this realization, combined with the fact that I haven’t seen either L or M in over a week (and I’m not that bothered by this fact), means that I can’t stop thinking about whether continuing my relationships with them is the right thing to do.  Am I getting what I need and want out of them?  The reality is with L that when we saw each other more, we had more of the connection that was necessary to keep it going in between.  There was shared experiences and cuddling and laughing and doing things together. There was intellectual stimulation and challenging, interesting conversations.  Now we have a few hours a week together where we are both exhausted.  It’s not working for me.  It’s a barely stuck bandaid on top of a sore that won’t heal.  We need more time together to reconnect properly, not settling for a quick fix every so often.  

With M, now that the physical excitement is wearing off, as hot as he is, and as nice as he is, I’m not sure he IS the right guy for me to be dating. I’m not sure if we have enough in common.  There’s only so much divorce and sex people can talk about before it becomes a little monotonous.  There’s only so much sex you can have in between to distract you from the lack of intellectual compatibility.  

Add to this the fact that I’ll likely meet up with U and Z for some threesome action in A’s absence. This means that I will have a dom taking care of my needs in between dates with A.  I’ve been wishing for another date with A in between our weekly dates for months.  It would be pretty damn great to have a dom who can take care in between.  If I had mind-blowing sex twice a week like that, I’d be a damn happy lady, and then I’m wondering where my other relationships fit in there. The reality is that if the relationships aren’t bringing value and joy and connection and love to my life, there’s no reason to continue them.  I guess that finding the “sweet spot” that I need is the issue.  The reality of all of this is that I need to get together with both L and M and really commit to figuring out if what I need and want out of those relationships is what I’m getting. Until I do that, me trying to figure out what all these doubts floating around in my head mean is an exercise in futility.  In the meantime, I think it’s good for me to acknowledge that I’m having doubts and work through identifying why. So that’s where I am.

On a positive note, A and I are going away for the weekend. I’m giddy like a kid in a candy store. I can’t wait to see what this weekend brings for us!

 

Advertisements

Part 1: When the hot foursome outdoes the hot threesome!

My life just keeps getting more and more interesting.  After U showed her hubby (who I’ll call “Z”), the videos taken of our super hot threesome, he messaged me telling me that my blow job face was sultry and asking if we’d be interested in a foursome.  What followed was a week of flirting over messenger and planning for a date last night.  We started a group chat and talked about rules and desires and everything in between.  It was pretty great actually and I spent the entire week turned on and anticipating what was coming this weekend.

I worked a night shift Friday night at my second job, slept Saturday away, and woke up mid-afternoon with nothing but anticipation of the night to come on my mind.  I knew that many of my fantasies were going to be fulfilled, but I was a little nervous about sex with a new partner.  I was especially nervous knowing that Z is also a dom, he’s U’s dom, and that in our foursome, U and I would be the submissives of both A and Z.  I have a complete and total trust for A, we’ve ventured down the rabbit hole together and he knows me so well.  But Z?  Z was a complete unknown to me.  What if he was too aggressive? What if he was too demeaning? (One of my soft limits – I don’t deal well with humiliation and demeaning).  What if everything got awkward, and all the hot of the previous weekend disappears?

Well, it was equally as comfortable as the threesome was.  We got there early enough that we had time for some drinks in their kitchen while we were waiting for kids to fall asleep, and joked and laughed and it was clear pretty quickly that A and Z would get along just fine, and as Z brushed past me in the kitchen, he spent longer and longer rubbing against me until he reached up my skirt and I started rubbing the front of his jeans.  U and I joked last weekend that we both stopped and put our hair up (I get the BEST ‘just got fucked’ hair, and sometimes it’s a little ridiculous,  so I started making sure I had a hair tie handy, and apparently she does too!), before anything happened with A.  So, to start things, she said “Is it time to put our hair up yet?”  I have no doubt that this is going to be our code phrase moving forward!

We moved to the bedroom and things just escalated.  Watching A tie up U while Z established his dominance over me was hot as fuck.  A and Z spitroasting me while U was tied up and forced to watch?  Amazing.  Sucking off A while U licked me and Z fucked her?  Unbelievable.  There were so many fantasies that were realized last night that I may have to come up with whole new ones!  It was incredible.  There were three highlights of the night for me.  The first was having a man fucking me while the other fucked my face.  The second was giving Z head while U was giving A head.  I worked Z well, because he had amazingly easy to read reactions, so I knew when he was getting close and could slow down and delay things (Edging is fun!).  I looked up once, saw Z watching me and that just made me hotter.  Then I looked over at A, and realized that he was watching me.  We caught each other’s eyes and I smiled with my mouth full of cock.  I realized that while I was pleasuring Z, I was also entertaining A.  Basically, he was watching live porn while getting sucked off.  A and I made eye contact at least three times during those simultaneous blow jobs.  Each time I felt like we were connected though apart. I love finishing a guy off and I finally let Z cum in my mouth.  As soon as I finished him off, I moved over to help U with A.  A loves two women sucking his cock, and I love to oblige his fantasies and turn him on as much as possible. He didn’t cum, but it was safe to say he enjoyed himself immensely.

We ended up cuddling and chatting, me with A and U and Z.  All together, but our separate couple units.  A checked in with me, making sure I was OK, holding me, and making me feel safe and loved and secure.  I asked him to take me home and continue what we started there and he obliged.  

On the way home, we debriefed a bit. Both of us were happy with how things went, although A would have like to fuck U and I would have liked to have Z fuck me.  We discussed the parameters where we would do it again and how we felt about everything.  We laughed about how the adventure of our relationship has developed and once again about how A sent me a rejection letter once. (More on this in part 2!)

The third favourite thing of the night was being alone in my bed with A.  Getting him all to myself.  Sucking him hard and then having him fuck me hard and use me as he wished.  Then him rolling off of me and challenging me to finish him off.  I did.  We took hot pictures.  And when he came, my normal very quiet boyfriend made the sexiest sounds ever, and filled my mouth with the largest load I’ve ever swallowed.

Where do we go from here?  We do it again.  We have another date set for the four of us in a couple weeks.  I’ve wanted more of what A offers me in the bedroom for quite a while.  The fact is that I have started to crave the control he has over me.  I have started to need submission and find it hard to go a whole week in between.  I find that my vanilla partners, while amazing in their own right, can’t do everything for me sexually that I need.  I’ve wanted a second dom for a while, to bridge the gap between times I see A.  (Truly, I want another date with A every week, but he doesn’t have the time to give me.)  So, I messaged U today and asked her if they would be interested in playing with me alone when A was unavailable.  The response?  “Totally!”  So, it looks like I’ll be a unicorn in my own right starting in the near future.  I’m not sure where we will take this. Will it be an awesome sexy FWB situation where we are just great friends that fuck?  Will we end up dating? Will we be dating as a couple or will I be dating them and bring my A in whenever I can?  I don’t know.  I’m not sure I care.  I’m so happy to have amazing friends like U, who can be my best friend who I can fuck and talk about kids with and talk about sex with and talk about other partners with and talk about feelings with and it’s never weird.  I already love her, what happens next doesn’t scare me at all.  I’m still unable to do casual sex, but it turns out that I’m able to blur the line between friendship and sex just a little!

10 things I learned this week

  1. When your friend asks your boyfriend for a one-on-one date after a hot threesome, you might have some feelings on the matter.  It may surprise you that it is not jealousy – the idea of them having sex is hot to you  – it’s the fact that he already doesn’t have that much time for you to begin with, you don’t want to lose more time with him.  He responds in the most reassuring and loving way he can. It’s perfect.
  2. When you start talking about feelings with said boyfriend and then rather than feel the disappointment of his inappropriate response, you get ridiculously drunk, it is a bad idea to drunk text your ex-boyfriend who you have finally managed to get comfortable with being in the same place as you again.  You might make things awkward.  Making an apologetic joke about your train of thought derailing and then exploding is not sufficient to make up for your drunken ramblings. You might not care that much; rather, you just find it funny.
  3. When your friend shows the super sexy videos from your threesome to her rather hot husband, he may start texting you asking to experience your hot blowjob face.  You might like the idea and start planning a foursome.
  4. When another ex-boyfriend says he wants to acknowledge your relationship and what it means to you both on Fetlife, and you decide on “It’s complicated” because nothing else seems appropriate, you realize that nothing about how you feel about each other or what your relationship means is actually complicated, because you have good communication and boundaries and neither of you want a classical relationship, but it sure is complicated to try to explain that to others.
  5. When you know you have the most amazing friends because one contacts you because she wants to talk about your friendship and what it means to her, you know you have an amazing friend who communicates so very well.  
  6. When you come out to a favourite coworker and an old friend each in a matter of days  and they just respond with support and “How do you have the energy for all the sex?!?”, you know you have amazing people in your life who only want the best for you.
  7. When you see multiple people in a week who haven’t seen you in a while and they comment on how happy and settled and content you are, you know you are living your life exactly how you should.
  8. When you dye your 7, 5, and 4-year-olds’ hair with bright blue, purple, and pink hair dye, you will learn that it is a very bad idea to ever dye the hair of a 5 and 4-year-old. But fuck will it be cute.
  9. When you go for lunch with the boyfriend and the friend you had a hot threesome with and she says her neck was sore from your boyfriend choking her and you get jealous for the first time about him being with her, because he’s never choked you so much your neck was sore, you realize you are truly and completely a submissive, and it just all makes you so happy to have him as your dom.
  10. You sleep, alone, in your house after a night shift for the first time ever and you wake up with the incredible thought that your life is exactly what  you want it to be and you can do anything you choose with it, you realize exactly how truly and completely happy you are.

 

The exact right thing

Sometimes things just work.  My life has ramped up in busyness.  I’m back full speed at work but loving every minute of it. F is about to move out into his own rental place.  We transferred ownership of our vehicles the other day and the cashier at the registry commented on how good we got along for people about to divorce and I laughed.  It seems that the stressful days that I have experienced aren’t the definition of stressful for most people and F and I actually get along pretty well.  Funnily enough, after I said that we have four children together, so we both know we are stuck together for the rest of our life, and it’s better to get along, she says “Oh, so what happened?  Did you two just grow apart?”  So, I responded in the only way I know how to when it comes to a complete stranger asking you to sum up the cause of you choosing to end your 14 year relationship as casual conversation.  I said: “Sure, let’s go with that!”

That same evening, F and I sorted through some household items.  We spent four hours together. Four hours, where we didn’t fight. We laughed, we talked, we compromised, we joked, we ate pizza with our kids. I had a glimpse of what it can be like if we manage to become friends, coparents, and a team for our kids.  It was an amazing gift of premonition about the potential we have.

Even later in that evening, I had my normal Friday night date with A.  I hate calling them “normal”, because our relationship is anything but.  It’s unique and fun and full of connection and mind-blowing sex.  When every time you have sex, it’s ‘top three’ good, you know you have something worth keeping.   

Earlier in the week, I found myself alone with time to spare, and smoked a joint and spent sometime with my thoughts. During that time, my brain got in a negative loop that wouldn’t stop.  I started doubting everything.  Somewhere in my logical, not stoned, brain, I decided to email myself a list of questions that I should ponder, when, I wrote:  “you are capable of legally operating a motor vehicle”.

The next couple days, I spent processing my doubts.  My insecurities.  The imbalance in our feelings for each other.  Wondering if that translated into bigger problems that I am unaware of. Wondering if it meant that the commitment that we share isn’t shared at all.  Somewhere, in all of that, I knew that the problem was mine, not his, and that it was mine to work through and didn’t need to be communicated until I’d processed the shit out of it.  

As I processed, I realized that the root of my issues laid in the fact that there are things in our relationship that scream of “this is not a relationship but a side-piece”.  In my infinite loop of negativity, I focused on a couple things that really bothered me.  Among them was the fact that I’ve never been to his house.  That he never invites me out to anything.  That he nearly never comes out when I invite him out with my friends (and is rather dismissive of the idea in general).  And, as always, back to the fact that he doesn’t love me.

I get it.  He’s busy.  He often says something like “If you want me to come out to this event, then I can’t come to your place on Friday”.  I guess I feel like my kids must feel when I give them a choice between two things they really want.  Like no matter what, I lose one of the things I really want. That, right there, is where I was going wrong. I was losing sight of the fact that in that situation, no matter what, I win.  I win time with a man who brings so much value to my world.

As I was processing the shit out of my twisty bits that I didn’t need to communicate, A came to a poly pub night for one of the Facebook polyamory groups I’m part of.  I had been inviting him out every month since January, and the closest he got to coming was when he picked me up from the very first one, drove me home, and we broke my bed!  The happiness and comfort I felt sitting in between A and L, a hand on each of their legs at that poly pub night, was extraordinary.  It’s an incredible thing, to be out with two men I love, and being able to be out about it.  To have them sit at the same table and interact with each other and everyone else. There’s something so comforting about my life choice being understood and accepted and the men who are so important to me being accepted without question.  The gorgeous man in the suit on my right who can command a room in a second and the cute guy who is a little awkward in jeans and a t-shirt on my left.  It’s a wonderful place to be, however temporary.

This seemingly small thing, A coming out to this night, was so special to me.  More important than it should be. One of my friends questioned why it was important to me, and it got me thinking.  Why is it?  It’s because it legitimizes my place in his life.  It acknowledges it aloud in the only place we can.  A place that has been missing in my life since D left it, because with our polycule, back then, everything was acknowledged and normal.  The next day, on our Friday date, we were talking about the night and how he probably wouldn’t come out again.  It was hard for me to understand.  On a visceral level, it hurt to hear that he wouldn’t be willing to come out with me again.  So I asked him “why?” He said the only thing I didn’t expect to hear.  The one thing I hadn’t considered.  He said: “We have so little time together, that when we have it, I don’t want to share you with other people.”  This is a paraphrase, possibly misrepresented, but if so, it’s what I want to remember it as.  In that moment, he put a brake on the negative thoughts revolving around in my head, and reset me.  

It never occurred to me that he didn’t come out with me because he wanted me alone.  It never occurred to me that he valued the time with me alone.  It never occurred to me that he didn’t like sharing my attention.  It never occurred to me that he had thought about the fact that he would rather be the focus of my attention than to share it.  It never occurred to me that he wanted to focus his attention on me.  

He said the one thing that I needed to hear.  He’s either the most perceptive person on the planet, exceedingly lucky, or very good at reading what people want from him.  No matter what, I’m happy that he said what I needed to hear.  That I matter to him. That he wants to be with me. That he values me.

It seems so silly when I read it.  But being valued is pretty much the most amazing feeling in the world.

 

Monster metamour musings

Today, there was a post about metamours on a local Facebook polyamory group I’m a member of.  I saw the post in the morning and spent all day thinking about metamours. I have had a pretty wide range of metamours, when I think about it.  X’s girlfriend knew about me, but we’ve never interacted, because we lived in different cities. Fun fact: I’ve actually not seen him in person in 14 years.  B’s wife knew about me, but didn’t want to hear about me. She was very much “don’t ask, don’t tell” in her philosophy.  I suspect that a lot of this had to do with her unhappiness in their marriage, which ended in January this year. Then there was W.  She embodies everything that makes a metamour a nightmare. She was manipulative, insulting, passive aggressive, and outright lied.  She interfered in my relationship with F and she interfered in my relationship with other people.  She continues to get involved in our divorce and my kids keep coming home asking me questions about things she says to them.  I keep hearing the horrible things she is saying about me to friends.  She is a perfect example of what I never want to be as a metamour.  

Then there was D’s wife. She exemplifies everything I ever want to be as a metamour.  She welcomed me into her life before I even started dating D.  It was nothing for us to hang out before D came home from a date or for us to go for dinner together with her boyfriend or to go for brunch just the three of us.  She is the woman who gave up her spot in the bed so D and I could spend the night together, spontaneously, when I crashed a gathering they were at.  She is the woman who heard from someone else that I had said something that she wasn’t OK with, so she came directly to me with her concerns.  She is the model of metamour that I follow.  No judgement, no drama, great communication, support, and acceptance.  

A’s wife is very good friends with D’s wife.  I have no doubt they talk about me and that D’s wife plays a role in A’s wife’s acceptance of me in his life.  I have only really met her the once, the same night that D’s wife gave me her spot in the bed. At that time, my relationship with A wasn’t really a relationship yet, and it was new.  We’re 9 months in now, and I haven’t seen her since.  We’ve had a few texts back and forth, but our relationship exists mostly in likes and the occasional comment on Facebook.  I’m sure she knows a lot about me, filtered through A, like I know a lot about her, all filtered through A.  I find it hard sometimes that I don’t have more of a friendship with her.  I really appreciate having my own relationship with my metamours.  I have a natural tendency to think the worst.  So when A has to cancel or limits our time together, my initial reaction is always to blame her.  I always talk myself out of such ridiculousness, because I don’t really know her, so I don’t really know what’s going on in her life, and blaming without understanding of facts is stupid.  The fact is, even if she was dictating everything, it doesn’t matter.  This is where I think that many people would tell me I was in a hierarchical relationship. Perhaps I am and I’m delusional.  The reality is, A is madly in love with his wife. They have 20+ years of history together, some of it wonderful, some of it heartbreaking, but they are each other’s best friends.  They have a family together, they have their routines, and they have their life.  I’m not part of their life.  I’m part of HIS life.  He told me, in that brief period of time we were friends between our first date and our first fuck, that if she ever said she had a problem with his girlfriend, he would end the relationship.  That stuck with me, and while I know he would miss me, I also know where I place in his life, and I know that I’m not as important in his life as he is in mine.

Because of this, I am the metamour I am for her.  I’m not sure she’s even aware she has a metamour, or at least that there is a term for the relationship we have by virtue of sharing the same man romantically.  My position is to be understanding and accommodating and make things easier for all of this to work.  So, when A’s wife was having a hard time one weekend and really needed to spend time with him, I was understanding and forgiving when he cancelled a date.  When we set up weekly dates so that he could keep his weekend dates with his wife and family, I agreed.  It’s why when I try to make plans for us, I ask him to run it by her first, or ask him if she would be OK with me booking us to do an activity.  It’s why I accommodate changes in our plan.  It’s why I try to not ask for more than A can give (I’m not always perfect at this) and try to keep things casual and fun when we’re in between dates.  It’s just my part of making things easy for us to be together.  In the end, it’s about respecting the person I’m dating, his priorities, his obligations, and the other people who are important in his life.  More than that though, it’s about respecting his needs and desires in our relationship and working with him to create the relationship we want together.  

When I met L’s other girlfriend, I knew immediately that we were going to be friends. We just clicked.  I’ve been a source of support for her, welcomed her into my life with open arms, and I haven’t been disappointed.  She is really good for L and complements me well.  She’s young, but has had a life of someone twice her age.  She’s strong and independent and watching her make choices for herself to be happy is amazing.  She reminds me a lot of myself when I was that age, she’s still figuring things out and she’s doing a great job of it.  I’ve fallen into a bit of a mentoring role, mostly because I am older and have been through a lot of the things she is going through, but mostly, I think she’s going to end up being more like family. I can thank D’s wife over and over for showing me how to be supportive and accepting and welcoming of L’s girlfriend into my life.  L is so good at communicating things that he really facilitates his girlfriends being friends.  He loves us both, is committed to us both, and is creating a world with us where we all work.

I guess my point with this is that I think that if we are developing relationships that we allow to evolve on their own, without expectations or pressure, we should also do that with the relationships with our partner’s partners.  I think there are too many expectations in the metamour relationships in polyamory.  I think it’s good to respect your metamours for their decisions and their comfort levels.  What makes you happier and more comfortable may not be doable with them.  Attempt to understand them and be the metamour you would like to have.  

There’s going to be an inevitable time when I have a conflict with a metamour in the future.  I hope when it happens, I remember my own advice, to try and understand them and work with them.  

That time I say not much has happened then write about all the things that happened

It’s been a while. I’m sure things have happened. Feelings had.  Life lived. Nothing crazy or mind blowing (well, except my sex life, but you can just be jealous about that) or hard (well except for….kidding!) or awful.  Let’s see what I can dredge up, seeing as how A is going to start nagging me about not maintaining my blog for my 3 followers.

I got tired of dating.  Or really, I got tired of all the time that was going into online dating.  All the time getting to know a guy, the messages back and forth, the seeming connection, and then we meet and there was NO spark. Like nothing. So I deactivated my OKC profile and decided to be open to new opportunities and not actively look. In an ideal world, I’d have 2 more guys to date, but I’m really happy with the two I have.

The day after this decision was made, I got a Facebook message from a guy I met a few months ago.  I was still with D at the time, I think it was right after I asked for a divorce from F. When I saw him, my jaw dropped. The man is gorgeous.  I’ve met a lot of hot men through the years, and I didn’t really expect much out of him, so when he was smart and kind and genuinely funny, I was a little shocked.  I suppose there is a lot of privilege and bias in my initial assumptions that need to be addressed. I thought that just because he was hot, he wouldn’t be nice or smart.  Wow, don’t I look like an over-educated, average looking, judgmental ass. Nothing could be more obvious about my misunderstanding than the way we started talking. He had sent out a “You are awesome” video to pretty much everyone on his friends list.  He said his phone was blowing up, and usually it’s quiet.  I was shocked that his phone was ever quiet, I told him, because he is so hot and charismatic and nice, I thought he would be fighting off the ladies.  He laughed and said he thought I was hot too.  I joked that we should talk about that fact some time, and he said I had nice moves.  Yep, that’s me, unintentionally getting a date with a man I’ve been lusting after from afar without knowing he was available for months.  This girl has game she didn’t know she had.

We’ve been chatting a lot via text and it’s nice.  He’s sweet and kind and smart and lovely.  We had a date last week, and it was amazing.  Tomorrow, he’s coming for an overnight date.  Anticipation for this date is killing me.


I had a bit of an epiphany about A and myself and my expectations.  Specifically, I realized that he is not the problem, I am.  Or rather, my expectations are.  He’s never been anything but honest with me, although he could really use an improvement in his communication, because honesty is much better received when it’s timely instead of nagged for.  I realized that normally I have no issues.  We do our once or twice a week thing, we connect, we pretty much are alone in the world when we’re together, but there’s not much more to it.  We chat a bit, are there for support, but our world exists 95% in the context of the short amount of time we spend together each week.

I realized that after I hadn’t seen him for three weeks, and I really missed him and wanted to see him, I wasn’t as much of a priority to him as he is to me.  This realization hurt.  I wanted him to care about me in the same way I care about him.  I wanted him to want to be with me when he hasn’t seen me in a while.  I wanted him to miss me like I miss him when he’s gone. But the reality is that I had to accept that that is not the case.  

G is my go-to person when I need to figure out what I’m missing.  She asks the right questions and she gives the right feedback.  She acknowledges my feelings without sugarcoating or placating. I love that woman.  I talk to her about every emotion I have before I make any decisions.  I’m so glad I have her.  Here is what she said:

“I get why it hurts that his life comes before (ergo you’re not really a major part of his life, are you? And I can read how much it breaks your heart that you aren’t)  I get how hurt and heartbroken and lonely it makes you that you need more emotionally than he can give.  He’s an unabashed third stringer love.  Hoping and expecting him to be a first stringer is going to break your heart, break you up, and isn’t fair to him or you.  He is only capable of a casual dating relationship. No more, no less.  That doesn’t make him wrong for only wanting that.  And it doesn’t make you wrong for wanting more. My question to you is why does that more have to be with your relationship with A?  Is there any chance you’re comparing his abilities to D?”

My friend, my soul sister, talked me off the ledge.  She reminded me to think about the whys of the whole situation.  She reminded me that I was searching for something that wasn’t there while ignoring the amazing I did have.  She reminded me that expecting more was futile.  She also reminded me that what we have can still work for me, but it’s my attitude that needs to change.

I understand where my feelings are coming from and why.  I know how to mitigate it through communication.  I know how to work through it by really processing the why of how I’m feeling before I react.  I’ve had a few more rounds of visceral feelings to various things in the last week, and it’s been easy to put my relationship with A back into context.  In fact, he started talking about me getting another boyfriend so he could go back to his role as “number 3” and I just started laughing and told him I was astounded by how romantic he was and that he really knows how to make a woman feel special.  Friday as he was leaving, I told him he was a “perfectly adequate third string boyfriend”.  We’ve fallen back into that comfortable routine where we are both busy and are able to live our lives and catch up when we’re together, with no pressure.  Uncomplicatedly complicated.


In other news, I’m in love with L.  He’s sweet and kind and fun and lovely to be with.  I’m happy he’s in my life and I’m enjoying every minute I spend with him.  The future is bright there and we both know it.  I had a gathering the other day and several of my friends met him.  One of them said: “L is such a dork and I love him!”  He is. He is the best kind of dork.  I love him for just being such an amazing person, the person he is.


I have seen D quite regularly in the past months, just being at the same events.  It’s fun to chat with him and his wife and to see that he’s doing well.  I’d be lying if I didn’t say I still want him, I have reconciled myself to the fact that I always will, but it doesn’t hurt to see him as a friend.  In fact, I think it’s pretty great that we can get along and I really like that he’s still in my life.  I don’t pine away or silently hope he’s hurting too or want anything more.  I just am aware that if he came to me tomorrow and said “Can we try again?”, I would.  This is never more true than when I hug him and smell his beard oil.  It’s a crazy Pavlovian response that I have every time.  The scientist in me understands it completely: the ex-girlfriend in me who knows what it’s like to be covered in that scent after hours or even days in bed together connects that smell to more wonderful things.  In the end, this is all just amusing to me.  

As I thought about this today, editing it for the third or fourth time, I realized that I’m not sure I would take D back.  Honestly, I want what we HAD back.  The thing is, he broke my heart by leaving my life during one of the most difficult periods I’d ever gone through.  He left me when I needed love and support most.  I’m not sure I would actually be able to jump fully back in.  Being friends is exactly what we should be.


Otherwise, life is moving forward. I’m crazy busy, happy, and fulfilled.  I have good days and bad, full of connection and full of sadness, full of joy and full of boredom.  My life is awesome, my life is authentic, and my life is so much easier now that I’ve made so many good decisions for myself and my kids.

 

A poly year

A year ago, I went to bed, happy and fulfilled in my life, at least I thought.  I had a crazy dream that night.  A dream about X that was anything but platonic. That dream prompted me to message X when I got to work the next morning.  And the rest is history, as they say.  He introduced me to polyamory, and changed my entire life.

I’ve been poly for a year.  I’ve never been so certain about a decision in my life.  I am polyamorous.  I have had the most amazing year.  I fell in love with X and felt the intensity of our connection and loved him so completely.  Then it ended.  I met A, and we had the weirdest first date ever, with our bizarre coincidences and crazy connection.  We friend-zoned and were both happy to do so.  I met B, who was a romantic interest in my life for a short time, but has been a steadfast friend as I navigate my divorce and my dating life.  Then I started dating D.  I fell so madly in love with him, in the most intense and amazing way possible.  I had months of a near perfect relationship with him. It ended, in an absolutely awful way, but it doesn’t change how amazing the relationship was.  In the meantime, I unintentionally started the incredible relationship I have with A.  We embarked on an adventure exploring BDSM together.  We supported each other through some pretty shitty times.  We turned to each other when the rest of the world was railing against us.  We just became who we are together as a couple, while being who we are as individuals.  We figured out what worked for us.  I met L.  We are still working on creating what we want in our relationship together.  Committed and cooperative and happy and moving forward together.  

My marriage disintegrated.  It was awful and conflict-filled and I held on too long. Then I stood up, hopped off the roller coaster, advocated for myself, and moved forward.  We are working together to co-parent the most amazing four kids in the world.  We have moved forward as adults and our separation is negotiated.  I hope that moving forward we’ll work together instead of apart.

I dated.  I had coffee dates and dinner dates and drink dates and lunch dates and breakfast dates, and I had first kisses that rocked my world and second dates that ended in disappointment.  I had horrible dates and hopeful dates and disappointing dates and a wife messaging me to tell me I had a liar date.  

Outside of the poly part of me, I had three grandparents die.  My dad was diagnosed with cancer.  My sister cut me out of her life in a hail of fire.  I lost friends, met new friends, and connected more strongly with others.

I told many people about being polyamorous.  All but my sister reacted positively.  Nearly all embraced me and my chosen lifestyle completely, asking relevant questions and supporting my choice.  Most importantly, my mom supports me and my kids support me.  I have told so many people now that I’m almost “out”.  Not yet.  But one day, I will be.  In particular, I came out to G and to my person at work.  I made the strongest connections with two women who will always have my back.  They are better than having a sister.

I loved.  I loved men like I’ve never loved before.  My relationship with D only need serve as an example.  I’ve never loved someone who wasn’t blood so unconditionally.  My love for A is unique too.  It’s the first time I’ve submitted to a man worthy of my submission.  He’s earned a special respect and love from me. That’s something bigger than I can explain in words.  The fact that he doesn’t really ‘get it’ makes it even more important and a little funny too.  These loves taught me about the type of love I should have.  The type of love I want and the type of love I deserve and the type of love that I shouldn’t accept.  Through loving these men and the understanding of what it meant, I loved myself again.  I chose to stop sacrificing my happiness.  I expected more. I demanded more.  I became more.  I became a better woman, a better mom, a better partner, a better person.  I stood up for myself.  I supported the people I love.  I became who I’ve always wanted to be.  

I cried.  I hurt.  I raged.  I cried some more.  I have never felt so broken.  I have never felt so confused, hurt, rejected, unloved.  I cried as I shed my old me and the new me became.

Today, a year later, I’m happy. Truly, completely, thoroughly, uncomplicatedly happy.  My life is full of everything I could possibly want.  The most amazing kids, parents who love and support me, friends who accept me unconditionally, partners who accept me for who I am, two fulfilling, challenging, and stimulating jobs, and so much of everything I could ever need.

Happiness came in a form I never expected, because I had a dream.