So, in addition to the foursome post, something came out from A last night that I need to write out. I wrote the other day about our first date and how weird it was. We were telling the story to U and Z last night and he added that he got from me the impression that he wasn’t supposed to kiss me when he walked me to the car that night and he was right, I was pretty sure we wouldn’t have a second date about half way through the evening when my daughter’s name brought up his biggest hurt. I remember that good-bye like it was yesterday. I really liked A. We had amazing connection and fantastic conversation. I remember hugging him good-bye (and running my hand down his arm, through his hand, and letting go at the last minute) and being sad that I probably wouldn’t see him again, but knowing that we didn’t have that instant romantic/sexual attraction. I drove home that night thinking about how weird it was that we could have this fantastic connection that for so many reasons we couldn’t pursue. I was elated to have a great date and sad that the date wasn’t going anywhere at the same time.
So, A told (part of) his side of the story last night. (Hey A! Want to write out your version of what happened for me?) The side of the story I’ve never really heard. He said that after our date, he talked to his wife about it, his wife talked to D’s wife, and D’s wife explained what a hard time D was having with finding a partner. A decided that between my clear “don’t kiss me” message (this cracks me up now, because I frequently have to beg for a ‘proper’ kiss) and the fact that D and I were talking and D was *really* interested in me at that time, that he would step back, despite the connection.
This is where I haven’t entirely got his version of the story, because I frequently get distracted when we talk (truthfully, I jump from topic to topic with everyone, this is the only place I ever stay on topic, which is probably why A likes reading it, because he actually gets a coherent portrayal of my emotions and thought process), but I can only assume that he sent me that rejection letter because he is truly that respectful of women and feels that people deserve closure. Part of me thinks (hopes?) that he was a little more interested in me and kept thinking about our awesome connection and conversation for those two weeks and wanted to extend a “safe” olive branch. The other part of me thinks that when we decided to be friends and had our night out as friends, we were both ourselves in a more genuine way, and the connection was obvious, and that the day we had sex for the first time was just a natural progression after we spent so many hours confirming our connection and attraction. (This makes me think of our messages to each other in the interim. I guess if I think about it, they were actually rife with innuendo….)
The attraction itself probably needs to be addressed. A is a very good looking man, but really that doesn’t matter that much to me. What he is that matters is smart, confident, sure of himself, unapologetically himself, and just a little bit cocky. Behind all that, it was obvious to me, thanks to our ridiculous first date, he is kind, sensitive, and loving. He is genuine and caring. He is one of those rare men that isn’t scared to take control, but in doing so he will care for everyone. I have learned in these nine months that he also always owns his shit. He takes responsibility for his actions. He apologizes when he fucks up and he also stands his ground when he needs to. These are two qualities I have learned that I absolutely need in a man.
Perhaps his process of attraction was different. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. I’m a beautiful person. But I’m not society’s version of beautiful. My attractiveness comes from my strength, my intelligence, my determination, and my ability to communicate what I need and want from people in my life. I am a perpetual optimist, I’m an amazing friend, I’m extremely kind and loving, I’m very good at my profession, I’m completely committed, loyal, and devoted to those I love, I’m strong beyond measure, and I’m caring to a fault. I’m also a bit cocky, a bit smug, a bit judgmental, and a bit intimidating to many. I’m also very open and loving and extremely and unabashedly sexual! But my face, especially my eyes, reveal everything I feel. I’m an open book to people like A, who specialize in reading people, so maybe that’s where his attraction to me begins and ends – he just knows me.
The reality is, we have our story – a story that is strange and wonderful and ridiculous and difficult to define. But none of that really matters. No matter what we call it, we are committed to these adventures together, supporting each other along the way..