When your life hands you a shit sandwich, shut your mouth.

Today was a shit storm of epic proportions.  There’s a bit of poly in the story, but mostly it’s just life. In my case, life has been a little less than easy lately.  First, know that I am raw, in shock, and still very much processing all that has gone on lately. So here goes, here’s my bitch about having a little too much thrust onto my metaphorical plate.

My grandma died on January 20.  Today, my grandpa, her partner, my dad’s step-dad, and only grandfather I’ve ever known, died.  My step-dad’s dad is ill and about to die.  This is less concerning to me, because I didn’t know him well, but I’m worried about my step-dad.  So, by this time next month, I’ll be out of grandparents, blood and step.

I was travelling with D a few weeks ago, in the most amazing weekend ever, and my mom asked hubby where I was and he told her I was travelling with D.  Then the other day, my mom and step-dad were visiting and were just leaving as D arrived. One of my kids was super excited to see him, and it was quite obvious that there was a connection with him.  Between this and the accident that A and I got into a couple months ago, my mom was already suspicious.  So, I invited my mom out for supper so I could tell her all about everything that was going on in our life. From polyamory to my troubles with hubby.  On my way to my dinner with mom, my dad messaged me to tell me that he’s been diagnosed with prostate cancer.  The prognosis is good, but there’s a whole host of emotional baggage associated with this situation that makes it challenging to navigate.  So I showed up rather numb and in shock to my dinner.

I started the conversation with mom by introducing the idea of polyamory.  I told her that I didn’t know what to say, so I was just going to start talking and she could interrupt me at any point and ask questions if she wanted.  I told her about A and D.  I told her about W and hubby and how awful everything has been.  I told her about the kids having a hard time and everything I’ve done wrong.  She was kind and supportive and understanding and amazing in all the ways my mom always is. I will forever aspire to being just half the mother and woman that she is.

On top of that, hubby has been complaining about me to a handful of my friends that became his friends because he is often home with the kids during the week while I am at work and they are stay at home parents. So last week I get a message from one of them saying that I need to tell our mutual friend the truth because she thinks I’m having an affair. So, I message her, tell her what’s up, and she comes over for wine and I explain everything.  I ask her not to say anything, knowing that she is shit at keeping secrets. So, of course, yesterday, sad and numb from the loss of my grandfather, I’m fielding questions from well-meaning but uninformed friends who think that I have destroyed my relationship, that because hubby may not want to be polyamorous, I’m cheating on him, how they don’t understand how it works, etc, etc.  Of course, these are just the friends that are talking to me.  I’m sure there are many more who are talking about me.

I don’t really care who knows now that my mom knows.  My mom is the only person in the world whose opinion actually means something to me.  And she was loving and supportive.  The rest of the people in my life aren’t entitled to an opinion.  I really don’t care what they think.

All these things made me rather raw, and I wasn’t ready to face hubby and the kids, so I headed out for a drink on my own.  I asked A to join and he couldn’t, D was busy, but I texted my soul sister, and told her I was drinking alone, and she just texted back that she and her husband were on their way.  They drank and chatted and cuddled with me.  When she texted to say she was on her way, I said “Be warned, I may cry, and then I’ll compensate for my crying by making lame jokes that aren’t really funny.”  She says: “Don’t worry, my boobs and my husband’s beard are sufficient to soak them up.”  I truly love that woman.  One day, she and I and one or possibly more than one of our men if we like it, will be having a threesome.


It’s now been 24 hours since I started this post and stopped due to exhaustion.  Today, I had a lovely drink with A, got my excess hair removed by a sadistic woman with hot wax, and came home to talk to hubby about shared parenting and separating finances.  We did OK.  Got a little derailed at the end, but he came with an amazing set of goals to aspire to while co-parenting, he started by thanking me for all the work I did, and he gave me a hug and told me he loves me.  He is still accusing me of trying to control him, which I’m not.  He is focused on how hard everything is on him instead of what’s best for the kids, but in the end, we’ll work it all out.  At one point, he was talking about how if I was controlling his time, that would be controlling his time with W, and that would cause problems for him and problems for her.  I reiterated that I don’t want to control his time, my goal is doing what is best for the kids, and said, “In all honesty, I’m interested in working out a solution that works for you and I and the kids.  How W feels is not the least bit important to me.”  I know better. But it’s also true.  He said “You know, you can’t do what you did to me and think her opinion of you isn’t going to change”.  I said “I don’t care about W’s opinion about me, I care about all the different things she’s done to me.  That’s it.”  So, he was triggered and got upset, but before that it was good. We laughed, we compromised, we reassured, and we worked together.  It was good.  I think this has the potential to be really good.  One small step at a time.

A and I have a super sexy date organized for saturday night.  I can’t wait.  D and I for Sunday.  I miss those wonderful men when I’m not with them, but boy am I ever enjoying my alone recharge time.  I am enjoying the wonderful beings that my kids are.  I’m enjoying myself and my strength and my purpose.  I’m enjoying owning my feelings, prioritizing myself, and knowing I have the most amazing support system.

2017 can go fuck itself.  But I will persist and I will be happy despite the shitstorm of awful in my life.  It will get better.  I’ll just keep telling myself that until it happens.




So, a week has passed since my last rather raw and emotional post.  It was amazing how cathartic that blog post ended up being for me.  It made me realize a few patterns that exist in my relationship with hubby and had me thinking about how to proceed with things.  These conclusions had me making decisions on a few things that have really impacted my happiness the last week and all for the better.  So let me see if I can sum up a week of emotions and planning into a coherent post.

What I realized when I wrote out the events of the past 6 months, was that although there is love in our marriage, the respect and trust are gone.  My part in all this is obvious and I put the nail in the coffin when I hit hubby.  But he had been eroding our trust for a long time before that with his repetitive destruction of my things, him blaming me for things that weren’t my fault, his general insults and not being there for me.  But really, the lack of respect, especially for my boundaries, was the realization that hit me like a brick to the head.

Here’s how he showed his lack of respect:

When I told hubby I was going to bed because I didn’t have anything else to give and he came in and woke me up and insisted on talking to me about his issues with V.

When I told hubby that I didn’t want him to go to W’s when we were on a date and it would hurt my feelings that he even asked.  (He crossed a boundary when asking and crossed it again by going).

When his girlfriend spread horrible lies about me, instead of supporting me, he blamed me for it happening.

When he repeatedly damaged my things.

When I tried to leave conversations, or get off the phone, or stop an email thread and he wouldn’t let me and forced me to continue talking when I needed time to cool down.

And most recently, when he outed me to both my mom and a friend, the only two people who I asked him specifically not to tell.

This is what happened in 6 months.  This is not OK.

So, trust is gone and respect are gone.  Love doesn’t matter much when those are gone.  What this means is that our foundation, the foundation of our marriage, is gone.  We can’t build and work on our communication, much less intimacy, if we don’t have a foundation.

Love doesn’t matter when trust and respect are gone.

I want to fix our marriage.  Despite it all, I love my husband.  I want to make our life work. I want the man I married to return to the life we made together.  But he doesn’t recognize the changes in himself.  He isn’t taking responsibility for his actions.  He doesn’t know if he even wants this marriage anymore. Without him committing to working on our relationship, it is impossible for me to get what I want and need out of our marriage.

So, I decided, within hours of publishing my last post, that I needed to ask hubby for a trial separation.  During the week, I got my ducks in a row about what I should do. I knew I didn’t want to talk to hubby about any of this until our counselor’s appointment on Friday, so during the week I saw my individual counselor and consulted a lawyer about the things that I should think about.  I solidified in my mind exactly what I want to see happen.  Really, it’s a bit of controlled uncertainty.

Basically, coming from a position of love, where I assured hubby that I don’t want to end our marriage, but I want to give him the time he says he needs, I asked him if we could have a more structured trial separation where we still live together but don’t work on our relationship.

For me, this means a few things.

  1. Separating our finances.  We’ve discussed paying our bills proportional to our incomes, as he makes substantially more than I do, but the exact form this will take is left to be decided.
  2. Committing to family time at least once a week, so the kids can see that we can work together as a team.
  3. Continuing counseling to be sure we can maintain communication, especially with respect to co-parenting.
  4. Figuring out a 50/50 parenting situation that can accommodate hubby’s shift work schedule and my monday-friday schedule and casual job.
  5. Checking in on July 1 to decide if we want to work things out, end our marriage, or if we need more time.

Where we got caught up with the 50/50 parenting.  I’m very surprised by this, because hubby is a great father, and I thought he’d be willing to work on this immediately, but alas, I was wrong.  He seems to think that me wanting a parenting agreement is a way for me to control him. He feels that he parents the kids more than I do.  Seeing as how he’s put one kid to bed one night in the last 2 weeks, I’m not sure how he arrived at this conclusion. I’m disappointed by this. But it is what it is.

So, moving forward, we are going to have to continue negotiating our parenting times until the nanny gets here. Then, I’m hoping to work towards a more 1 week on, 1 week off arrangement that works with his schedule.  We’ll see how that goes. It will never really be a week on and a week off, because he works 12 hour shifts, two of which are night shifts, and the nanny can’t take care of the kids for 24 hours.

Now, we need to work out the details. This morning, I spent about 4 hours working out a spreadsheet proposal of how shared parenting could work and a spreadsheet proposal of how separating finances can work.  I’m hoping he’ll come to the table with suggestions that will work better for him and negotiation, and not anger and resentment.  It’ll probably be a combination of all of those things.