I am missing A, but even that sadness was curbed by a great phone call where we laughed and talked about all the silly things we talk about the other night. I love talking to him more than anything else in our relationship. Our conversations are so random and funny and serious and authentic. I love it.
A while ago, we were talking about how poly and kinky dating is different for men and women. I get a number of messages on OKC and occasionally on Fetlife, but the Fetlife ones are a little lower quality, in general. I don’t include my kinky side in my description on OKC, because I find it invites people to assume things about me that aren’t true. It’s like admitting I like sex is an invitation to proposition me. So, what that means is that at some point in the conversation, I have to come out and tell the man I’m talking to that A and I are kinky. I joke that I have a fool-proof method of getting a man to ghost me. Some ask questions, some just disappear, occasionally I get a man who is also kinky, and sometimes he isn’t kinky himself but says it doesn’t matter to him. This latter is a little problematic, because often, but not always, turns out that it does bother him. I usually don’t find out until I’ve started a relationship and developed feelings for him, however. There’s no getting past it though, I have to tell anyone I may get naked with about it, because I have bruises that I can’t generally hide, but the reality is that I’m not interested in omitting that part of my life when I tell people who I am. I’m more of a “this is who I am, get over it” kind of girl, so I usually tell them earlier rather than later.
A made the point that he doesn’t have to tell girls that he and I are kinky. He doesn’t have bruises to hide. He also can say he’s dominant in the bedroom and it can be true whether bdsm is involved or not. He has always taken control. It’s just the way he is. The man owns the room he’s in, whether or not he has his clothes on.
I’m aware that my approach to relationships and sex isn’t the norm, so it’s not that strange that some men ghost me as soon as I tell them I’m kinky. I don’t really want to help someone navigate some intense emotions about my other relationships and kinky nature, if I’m completely honest about it, but it does make me a little sad that it’s hard to find a vanilla guy who just accepts that I have itches I don’t need him to scratch. Having kinky sex all the time isn’t really my style – my body can’t take that much abuse, no matter how much I like it.
When we were talking about this, I said that I had gone on Fetlife and messaged a few guys who fit some of my requirements. By requirements, I mean they had pictures of gorgeous large cocks and are dominant. While this sounds….um….superficial….let’s just say that I have a lot of pictures of my naked body on Fet, so it’s not like they don’t know what I look like when they respond. I can also add to excusing my behaviour by saying that if he took a picture of their cock and posted it, he knows he’s big, and is advertising it. Also, he’s probably been ordered by a woman to keep it the hell away from her at some point, so someone like me who likes a big man is refreshing.
What?!? Stop judging. This is such a me thing to do. 🙂
OK, joking aside, I’ve chatted with a few men and have some hope that I may have a date or two as a result. A and I were talking about my new predatory dating tactics, and how there is such a dichotomy in the way men and women can behave. I came clean to a guy that the reason I messaged him was because he had a big dick, and he thought that was awesome. No man could get away with saying that he messaged me because he likes my big boobs. (OK, well, I probably wouldn’t care, but he couldn’t say that to most women). This brings me to the expectations that men and women have for each other. How some behaviours are acceptable in women (like casually touching men without their prior consent) that aren’t at all acceptable in men. I think about how it’s strange to people that I like a big beautiful cock, but no one is surprised when men love big beautiful boobs. I hear all the time that I’m unique, the way I think about things is so open and refreshing, that my attitude is so positive, or how open-minded I am. I am all of those things. It’s just seems strange to me that most people aren’t. I see no point in pretending to be someone I’m not or hiding who I am so someone will like me more.
The thing is, I know what it’s like to be unfulfilled. To not want to tell others about my disappointment in our sex life or the needs I want fulfilled. I actively decided not to be that person anymore. I wonder how many of us go through life just ignoring the lack of sexual satisfaction? Deny ourselves that pleasure by pretending it doesn’t exist, partially because of shame and partially because of fear? Judging by the number of people who find my approach to life so unique, it’s the majority of our population.
Now, imagine a world where we aren’t judged for our sexual preferences or relationship choices. Where we can talk freely and openly about what we desire and we can reach out to those who may be able to provide fulfillment of those desires. Imagine us talking about achieving sexual fulfillment in the same way we talk about eating our favourite meal and how much we enjoyed it, instead of being ashamed of what we do with our clothes off? Imagine a world where our kids don’t grow up thinking they are bad for wanting to explore their sexuality. Imagine a world where it is acceptable for our kids to come to us with questions about their sexuality and how to safely explore it and we weren’t worrying about whether or not they were offending society’s rules. Imagine not having to hide. Imagine a world where people are accepted for who they are.
That’s the world I want to live in. The best part of it is that for the most part, the world I live in is moving in that direction. I have close friends who support me completely. A and S both accept me as I am. Hell, they completely support the way I am. I talk to S about A and to A about S, and they both are full of compersion for me. A has always been pretty easy going about my other partners, he’s never said anything, so I’m pretty sure that jealousy isn’t a thing he has felt when he thinks about my other relationships. The only thing he ever said is that Fridays are his. We rely on our routine for our own sanity in our crazy lives and Fridays are sacred to me, so it’s never been a problem. He certainly hasn’t ever been jealous of S, but why would he? Clearly he can’t offer me the same things that a woman could and he’s happy to see me happy.
S is the biggest breath of fresh air I’ve breathed in in ages, though. She is so understanding about everything. From my troubles with F, to challenges with my kids, to everything to do with my relationships, that girl is a rock. I can talk to her about everything. There are a number of times that I’ve told her a story about A and me and she says “I love A stories! I love your relationship with him!”. Wait?! Back the hell up! I have a relationship with someone who not only accepts my relationship with A, but supports it wholeheartedly? I’m keeping that woman around (for a million other reasons than just this, but damn, this makes me happy)! There are so many reasons why S gets me. She’s been poly for 17 years; she and her hubby have always been non-monogamous. She’s kinky too, and in a super hot daddy/baby girl relationship with an experienced, amazing dom. She’s a mom, she’s smart, she’s strong, she’s absolutely hilarious. So when I talk to her about A being hard on me, she doesn’t cringe and look at my bruises like they are ugly, she thinks they’re hot and wants to hear exactly what he did to me. She tells me about the scenes she has with her dom. We can share in the hotness of the sex we each have when we’re not together.
There is something incredibly refreshing about being loved and appreciated for exactly who I am. In having people in my life who are so supportive of me, understanding of the struggles I’m facing, and completely accept my independence and listen to my needs and communicate so well with me, without trying to control me or influence my decisions. These are the people, who when I say I trolled Fetlife for large beautiful cocks, just laugh and say “yeah you did”, because they understand that I’m not afraid of going for what I need and want, or letting shame get in the way of that. I don’t want to live a life I regret, that’s for sure, and by being truly myself, I won’t.