Disappearing stress

I was reminded today, by A, that I haven’t published anything in awhile.  It made me laugh, because yesterday I dumped some twisty bits on him and I’m pretty sure he came here hoping he would get more insight before he responded.  We laughed and joked and he tried to change the conversation, but in the end, we got through the twisty bits quite uneventfully, and ended up talking about all the other things.  

The last 3 days have been kind of amazing on so many different levels.   I truly don’t know where to start.  So I’ll start with A.  We had a great date on Friday.  Friday seems to have become *our* day, and I pretty much always reserve it for him.  I’m post-surgery recovering and can’t have sex, so we spent a much longer than normal time on the couch chatting, and I was several beers in before he arrived, so I was in a mood for fun.  For the first time ever, I jokingly tied him up and went to work having said fun. I figured that someone should have an orgasm in my house, since it’s been way too tame here lately.  Alas, I played way too much, but given the length of that blow job, I’d say he at least had fun.  Tying him up was totally not my thing though.  I like the responses when he grabs my head or moderates my speed or any touch, and taking away his hands just made it less connected. Fortunately, he just untied one arm and fixed that in short order and the night was saved.  Add to that the fact that I got a lot of other attention and I’d say it was a fantastic and much-needed night.  Twisty bits aside, I needed the connection, and I suspect he did too.

Saturday, I met the other girl L is dating, and we totally hit it off.  I’m eight years older than L, and she is six years younger.  We’ve been chatting pretty much continuously, and she is very much a 26 year old version of me.  He clearly has a type.  It’s funny.  Of course, L’s mind is blown that we both get along so well, but he takes it in stride.  After that, I went to roller derby again.  One of my very good friend’s husband wanted to talk about polyamory and emotions and how to deal with everything, and so I invited him along.  It was wicked awesome.  We had such a fantastic conversation, really enjoyed the match, and everything about it was great.  

Last week, I was chatting with D’s wife about her tubal ligation and asking about recovery time and limitations (mostly in sex, because, let’s be reasonable, I’m kind of needy when it comes to this – so says A, anyway), and I gave her a heads up that I’d be at derby because the time before was so awkward (in a hilarious way though).  When I had surgery, she wished me luck and I sent her a picture of my feet in these super fun hospital styrofoam slippers:

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She joked that she didn’t get anything like that for her surgery and I joked that I’d steal some for her, and asked her her foot size.  So, while I was waiting to go into surgery, I stole a pair, shoved it in my purse, and brought it to derby.  When she arrived, she spotted me, as far away as possible from where they sit, and texted to say she saw me.  I said I had something for her and to come see me when she could.  There was more joking and awesomeness back and forth that made me giggle.  She came across at half-time, and as my friend’s husband went out for a smoke, I see D walk by and he gives me a wave and smile and I smile back, and she says “Oh, D doesn’t want to interrupt your date.”, and I laughed and explained that it wasn’t a date and referred them to a group we are all part of to catch up on who he was and then chatted.  When D came back, he came over, said he didn’t want to interrupt my date, and I stood up and gave him a hug and explained that it wasn’t a date.  He bought me a beer and the three of us chatted, mostly about how my divorce is going and my new tattoo, but it was good.  It was so normal.  So at the end of half-time, they left to go back to their seats, and I said “Enjoy your long walk, I intentionally picked seats as far away as possible to mitigate the awkward”.  D’s response:  “Next time come sit with us”.  So I laugh and say “Does this mean the awkward is over?” and he says “Yes”, and his wife laughs and says “You two are so fucking weird!” and that’s how it ended.  I sent him a text to say I was glad the awkward was over and apologized for my anger and hurt and the passive aggressive way I dealt with my heartbreak, but didn’t get a response, but for me, it was the ultimate closure.  I just feel so damn good about it.

Oh, and her slippers fit:

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That night, I went to my good friends’ house.  They moved less than a block away, and they are derby refs, so we continued the night there. There’s not much to say other than it was a lot of fun. I was in prime drunken form and probably embarrassed myself, but it was great.  As seems to be the theme with them, there was some cuddling and love and tons of joking and laughter. It was amazing.  Honestly, Saturday was probably the most perfect day I’ve had in a long time.  A left so early in the morning after we fell asleep cuddling, I met L’s other lady, I had a great chat with my friend’s husband, I chatted and hugged and shed the awkward with D, and had a great, super fun non-adulting night with friends who accept me for exactly who I am.

Sunday, I had a Lego date with my 3-year-old, my eldest two came back from my parents’ and we had a cuddling movie night.  Then L came over, we chatted, and cuddled, and started a movie, and he decided to go home because he was tired, and the goodnight kiss ended up in more work on my blow job skills.  😉  (My main joke right now is that since I can’t have sex, I’m going to work on perfecting my blowjob skills and successfully deep throating.) It was just full of connection and awesome.  I like what I have with L.  He’s so sweet.  I describe him as the “cute new guy” to everyone.  He’s just lovely.  Kind, and funny, and strong, and accepting, and enthusiastic.  He’s a good match for me and my relationship with him is a good complement to my relationship with A.  A, I refer to as “sexy grandpa”, because that is exactly what he is.    

I’m back on OKC, on Friday, I eliminated the other 2 guys I was dating from contention for legitimate but rather boring reasons. They are both nice guys.  I’d have a great time with both of them.  But neither can give me what I need, so I needed to walk away.  Of course, this means that I’m talking to more men than I can keep track of, but it’s pretty great.  I have a date on Wednesday, and should have one or more others coming up.  A is going out of town next weekend, so I’m going out with L’s other girl on Friday, which should be fun.  

The biggest and most amazing thing is that F and I are in a good place again.  We had a great meeting with our lawyers today, and we are at the point of drafting a separation agreement.  I got basically everything I wanted and I think he’s happy too.  So much stress just disappeared from my life.

Now, if only I could have sex.  Because damn, 6 weeks is a long time.

 

Six long weeks

Smack dab in the feelings. That’s where I landed tonight.

A friend invited me to her birthday party in the first week of August today.  She specifically invited A with me, which is kind of awesome.  I invited him along.  Sure enough, he’s gone that weekend. Then he’s away for 2 weeks starting the weekend after.  And I’m gone the weekend he gets back.  So we just lost every weekend in August. Every. Single. Weekend.  I’m having surgery on Wednesday. I’m getting a tubal ligation and uterine ablation. As a now “single” woman, I need to be in control of my fertility, and this is the best way. Of course I’m safe about my sex.  Condoms are an investment I make in bulk. Sexual health is important to me.  But most definitely, my uterus is closed for inhabitation, and I won’t be leaving control of such a situation up to the men I’m having sex with or a piece of latex.

But the thing is, I’m going to lose a couple weeks of recovery time to this procedure, possibly more. The recovery time can be anywhere from one to six weeks.  So, we’ve also lost the last couple of weeks in July.  It may be as distant as September the next time we can have sex.  This makes me sad. I guess it will depend on my pain and how well I heal, and the ridiculous schedule the men in my life have.  I had absolutely incredible sex with L on Friday afternoon and what was going to be mind-blowing sex with A that was interrupted with real life on Friday evening, and then he spent the night for the first time in our entire relationship and it was amazing and I wish I could have enjoyed it properly, but he had to leave early in the morning, and biology decided to fuck with me and be a giant pain in the ass this morning, and my period arrived three days early, when I was really hoping to use those three days to bank all the sex I could before I had surgery.  So, now sex is off the table for the foreseeable future, A and I probably won’t be able to have sex for two to six weeks or so, and L and I won’t have sex for at least two to 4 weeks.  Maybe one of the other three men I’m dating/interested in may move in there, but the reality is that this girl who needs a little more attention won’t get the sexual attention she needs.  Chances are, regardless of need for sexual attention, the men in my life won’t be available.


I wrote this several days ago.  Yesterday, I had my tubal ligation and endometrial ablation.  I had a bit of hope when the nurse told me it would be only a couple of weeks until I could have sex, but the obstetrician burst that bubble just before I went into surgery and told me it would be 4-6 weeks.  The endometrial ablation basically destroys all the cells in the lining of my uterus, and so no penetration with anything is allowed for 4-6 weeks due to the risk of infection.  So, it’s going to be the end of August before I get to have sex.  I know what it’s like to need IV antibiotics because of a major infection, that’s not something I want to repeat, so I shouldn’t complain. It’s totally worth it.  But damn if it isn’t going to be hard. I should have had this procedure when I was still married to F and didn’t care if I had sex for months at a time.  Well, I’m sure I’ll live through it, and it’s not like I have to be a nun during that time.  I’ll find ways to enjoy myself and the men in my life.

Among the funnier things yesterday was my mom coming to pick me up from the hospital and asking me how I was feeling and me answering “I’m stoned”, and us both laughing about the fact that we never expected me to supply that answer voluntarily when she was picking me up.  The anesthesiologist I had was the same woman who gave me my epidural with baby #3.  Somehow, we ended up having a conversation about misogyny in academia and in her chosen profession, congratulations about separations, and everything in between.  In general, the whole thing was fun and interesting and relatively painless, thanks to some Tylenol 3’s and my parents who spoiled me rotten, and exceptionally good medical staff.  

Today, I’m feeling a little bit tender and swollen. I stole away for a lunch with A, which was, by far, the highlight of my day.  The man gives the best hugs and the after lunch hug has sustained me for the rest of the day.

I’m back with my munchkins now, having convinced F that he should put them to sleep to give me a little extra time to recover, since I’m not supposed to lift anything and I have a toddler who loves to be carried everywhere.  I got a lovely welcome from #2 and tomorrow will be full of cuddles and relaxation, while my new nanny gets acquainted with the kids.  It should be good.

Dirty lounge

I’m angry, I’m hurt, I’m confused, and I’m disappointed.

I’ve had an issue with A for weeks (months?).  I’ve talked to him about it.  I’ve been light-hearted and joking.  I’ve been kind about it, but it drives me fucking crazy.  Often, I ask him out or want to make plans, but he just tentatively agrees to something.  We call it the “tentatively maybe”, that’s how often it happens.  I wait around for him to decide, keeping my evening open or a space available for him, and he decides whether or not it’s what he wants to do at the last minute.  Once or twice, I’ve been surprised when he comes out, mostly, I’m resigned to him not coming long before he updates me on his plans.

While it’s been a frustration for a while, it hasn’t really been something that’s worth making an issue out of until a few days ago, when he crossed a line that meant I had to raise the issue, and I’m sad and pissed off and disappointed.  We haven’t seen much of each other in recent weeks.  Our schedules haven’t lined up and he’s needed a break and I’ve had visitors and life has happened.  I’ve felt it quite acutely.  I’m not sure how he’s felt about it.

Basically, what happened was that earlier in the week I was feeling like we hadn’t connected enough recently and offered to cancel a date I had with a new guy to be able to go out with A.  He said it may work and that he had to discuss things with his wife.  When we met the day before for a quick drink, he said he would be talking to her that evening and let me know.  The next morning, I messaged him and asked him what his plans were.  We had other conversations, which he answered quickly, but he avoided answering my questions about the evening.  In the end, I cancelled the babysitter and decided to stay home because there was no point in going out when I don’t actually have plans.  

Around 6:30 p.m., I texted to ask if there was a good reason he hadn’t messaged me.  He immediately apologized. I told him I felt like he didn’t value me or our relationship.  He responded with “I hear you”.  I hope he does. But I’m not sure he gets it, and I’m not sure he’s willing to change his behaviour.  The truth is, I feel like he treats me a bit like a 24 hour drive through.  I’m always open for him to come when he wants.  He leaves plans tentative until the very last minute.  He makes tentative plans with me and then commits to plans with other people, often times just dropping on me that he made the plans with no acknowledgement that we had potential plans.  For a long time, I just accepted that it was stress in his life, the craziness that has been all the stuff he is juggling.  I don’t doubt that is part of it.  Then I realized that he makes plans with everyone but me in advance. He commits to coffee with an old partner, he commits to going out for drinks with his friends, he commits to golf tournaments, charity events, and all kinds of other events. The point is, he can plan far in advance unless the plan is with me.

I’ve been trying to understand why this is. I have my theories, but it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that I’m in love with someone and I’m not sure that he values the relationship with me.  I don’t feel like my time, commitment, or feelings are respected.  I don’t need to be the number one priority in anyone’s life, but it would be nice to be a priority, to feel like he wants to be with me in the same way I want to be with him.

He knew I was dissatisfied with his response to me, because I told him.  His response was “that’s fair”.  Once again, I was so annoyed.  No acknowledgement of my feelings.  No effort to assuage my hurt.  No effort period.  

Then, it got worse.  We had made plans for Saturday afternoon.  So, I asked him if we were on or not and he said he thought our plans were Sunday.  He quickly talked to his wife and I got a text that said Saturday was good but I was so annoyed.  We had discussed that Sunday was also free, but he never gave any indication that he wanted to see me, so I made plans with other people.  Worse, he started joking about things, like the communication breakdown didn’t matter.  In the end I just asked him to stop and the conversation ended.

To me, it feels so simple.  I told him I don’t feel valued.  In response to that, I would expect to get some reassurance that I mean something to him.  That my feelings matter to him.  But what I got were responses that sound good on paper but don’t acknowledge what I’ve communicated and seem to be designed to placate me.  

I don’t know what to do about any of this.  I don’t know if I can do anything about this.  


I wrote what is above a few days ago.  I decided not to post it before I talked to A in person.  I also needed the time to process the feelings I was having.  I’m a pretty good communicator, but in general, I’d rather do anything other than talk about my feelings.  This is especially true with A.  Largely because talking to him about feelings is an exercise in frustration.  In fact, he took great joy in me groaning and saying he was a pain in the ass to talk to.  But we got through it.  He sort of explained a bit about how his conversations about me go with his wife. I was right, I’m a bit more of a loaded topic.  It requires dialogue, not just an update on his plans.  He “explained” that he wouldn’t be with me if I wasn’t a priority. In the end, I think we were both just annoyed with the conversation, him wondering why I was still talking about feelings, me wondering why he just couldn’t get it.  

Truthfully, we spent much of the conversation laughing at each other, interspersed with me calling him names and groaning because he’s so fucking frustrating.  I had shared our text conversation with G, who is my rock on all things dating, earlier in the week, and she just called him a “douche canoe”.  I told A this and he laughed and said “Want to play with my oar?”  And I did. So I did.  It was fucking amazing.


That evening, I went out with G to roller derby. It was my first time at derby, and it was fun.  It was especially fun to get a chance to chat with D’s wife as she and D were there. It was….weird…to see him. To recognize several of his movements and expressions and know that he was uncomfortable seeing me. We didn’t talk, but there was a bit of eye contact and a smile and wave as he passed me on his way out.   It wasn’t as bad as I thought the first time I saw him would be and I have some hope that we will be able to be friends in the future. In fact, that is something I would really like, as he is a really good person, someone who knows himself well, and is patient and kind and understanding and has all the characteristics I would like in a friend, even if he the way he broke up with me was cowardly.

On the way to derby, I was updating G on the conversation I had had with A that day.  We discussed how he isn’t meant to be a “primary” partner to me.  I’ve never really considered him a primary partner, but the gist of it is that he has been my only partner for about six weeks.  When he started out in my life, he was firmly placed in #3 spot. Then he moved to #2 when I separated from F. When D broke up with me, he moved to #1, a place he was never meant to be.  He’s been quite honest about saying that it’s in his best interest for me to date, because he doesn’t have more time to devote to our relationship, and apparently I’m quite “demanding” now that I’m only having sex with one person.  

G always has amazing analogies, and as we laughed about A’s oar comment after I told him she called him a douche canoe, she said this:  “A is like your favourite lounge that you go to on Friday and Saturday nights for a few drinks and relax.  You love it then. It’s a wonderful place to be.  But it’s not the place you go in the daylight on a weekday. Because when you do that, you find that your favourite spot is just a dirty lounge.”  I laughed and called A a dirty lounge, but her analogy notwithstanding, what it really means is that I’ve been expecting/demanding/asking too much of him lately, and forgot to see him for who he is and who I am and how we are together.  While I want to be reminded that he values me and know I’m completely reasonable asking for good communication, I need to be cognizant of managing my expectations too.   As G said, I just need to relegate him back to second fiddle again.  So many analogies.  

 

 

Insert creative title here

After writing my last post, I felt much better.  It was actually quite a remarkable transformation, apparently I needed to get my feelings out in a coherent(ish) way.  I was supposed to have a date yesterday, but plans fell through when he wasn’t feeling well.  So we’re on for next week.  Although at the rate we’re going, first me cancelling, then him cancelling, we may never meet.  So, I informed A that I was available for drinks again, and headed off for ramen as comfort food and then back to the river valley to feed the mosquitoes and listen to an audiobook that had been given to me by a friend.  I was thoroughly enjoying said audiobook when A texted to say he could meet for drinks.  Pleasantly surprised, I hoofed it back to my car and met him at one of the places we frequent.  Cue complete relaxation.  I’m not sure how it happens, we’re both a bucket of stress lately, but three hours later, and just random conversation that consisted mostly of updating each other on life, I left (after getting the most amazing hug) feeling completely reset.  Ready to conquer the world again.  Which is good, because when you have world-conquering plans, you need to be ready for it.

Today was a weird day. I volunteered in my daughter’s class this morning and had a blast.  It was so much fun.  Then home to nap and off to my day job for a meeting.  I had changed a lot of things while one of my coworkers was on maternity leave and I wanted to run the changes past her.  So I filled her in on everything I did, and we had a great talk.  She was seriously impressed with the changes I made and told me that when I was hired, the job I just did was exactly what she was envisioning.  It was one of those moments complete with professional fulfillment. I had worked hard, done a good job, and not only was she OK with it, she was thrilled with the hard work I had done.  It was awesome to be appreciated and acknowledged.

I have slowly told people at work that I have separated from F.  One of my favourite coworkers, who frequently comes into my office to show me something cool or talk to me about something funny came by today.  He asked me how things were going with F.  Then he asked me how I knew it was time to ask for a separation.  So I told him some of my story, although a very abridged version, and he sat down and dumped his issues on me.  It was amazing to be a source of support for someone who is going through so much of what I have been through.  He told me that he’s pretty unhappy in his relationship, and he realized that he has to tell his wife, and he doesn’t know how it’s going to go.  It ended with me offering him a hug and wishing him good luck, but it felt pretty damn good that he felt comfortable coming to me.

Yesterday, I read this cool article about a woman who took control of her sexuality, through “wild sexual exploration”, and how embracing her needs and wants, communicating them, asking for what she desired, and being true to herself while still being challenging and sometimes difficult, led to a transformation in her outside the bedroom.  She became more likely to ask for what she needed in her professional life.  Turned down opportunities that didn’t support her goals or add value to her life.  She took on jobs that valued her education and professional experience.  She made decisions throughout every aspect of her life that honoured herself.  She stopped sacrificing herself for the selfishness of others.  She lived a life of authenticity and purpose.  She is happy.

As I read it, while the central tenet of her article was mostly dissimilar to the course my journey has taken, many of the prevailing themes resonated with me. Making the decision to shed cultural norms, making decisions for myself with disregard for societal pressures and the years of indoctrination that I have received, and living authentically, and sometimes selfishly, by making decisions that are the best for me, when others would have me choose otherwise.    She wrote about it being difficult to shed the indoctrination and identify for herself what she believed and acting on those beliefs without the internalization of cultural norms like slut-shaming, misogyny, and her own ingrained judgements hit home for me.  I’ve been pretty open with my acceptance of my polyamorous nature.  But it hasn’t been without judgement of others, but also judgement of myself, by myself.  Part of this is directly entwined with the sexual aspects of my new relationships and the fact that I both enjoy having sex more and asking for what I desire has become a norm, and I have embraced aspects of bdsm, but also that I have multiple partners.  Growing up in a mononormative culture means that I had to shed my beliefs to be true to myself.  Shedding my beliefs about what I should be doing and how I should be behaving meant thinking deeply about my feelings about others and how they act.  Its part of the realization that I truly believe that people should be able to live their lives sexually free, within the boundaries they provide, with no judgement from or for other people.  The things that rock my world are not necessarily going to be your type of storm, nor mine yours.  But as long as you are getting what you need somewhere, I’m going to be happy that you are sexually fulfilled and living a life true to yourself.  

Through acknowledging who I am and asking for what I need in one aspect of my life, polyamory, I gained a momentum that I didn’t really understand.  I started trying new things – my 40 things before 40 was one example.  I started taking charge of my life more. I was already strong and independent.  But I became strong and independent and unstoppable.  In all my relationships, I asked for what I needed.  I started expecting the respect I hadn’t been getting automatically.  It’s part of the reason why I’ve had to redefine boundaries with my sister, father, and F.  It’s why I’ve taken charge of so many aspects of my career.  It’s part of why I’ve found my voice in my relationships, both clothed and unclothed. I’ve started insisting that everyone in my life honours who I’ve chosen to be.

What does this all mean to me?  It means I’m happy.  Not “life is easy and everything is coming up roses” happy, but happy knowing that I am living my life the way I have chosen.  That my decisions and actions and interactions are my own choice. That I’m doing the right thing for myself and my family and taking control of my life means that the challenges I face are mine, the victories are mine, the sorrows are mine, and I can learn, love, laugh, cry, fail, and succeed knowing that I’ve made the best decision for myself by acknowledging myself and honouring myself.  

 

Boundaries and Societal Expectations

I’ve had a lot of issues with people respecting my boundaries lately.  From my sister refusing to stop when I told her I couldn’t have the drama with her and her pushing to have a big argument with my parents included.  From my dad last night who decided to sing the virtues of Trump as president on my Facebook wall and after I’d asked him to stop 5 times was still not getting it until a friend stepped in.  To F, who repeatedly doesn’t respect my need for time and space or right to walk away from a conversation.  It makes me wonder what I’m doing to attract people who are so disrespectful of boundaries.  Is there something about our society that makes it OK to keep pushing and pushing, even when a person has clearly expressed their boundaries?  We talk all the time about consent and how important it is.  I have this talk with my kids daily, that “no” and “stop” are important words and we always listen to them.  That we don’t touch someone in any way if they don’t want us to.  Why doesn’t the same value for consent exist in verbal or written exchange?  Why is a verbally established boundary regarding words or actions that don’t involve touch not respected in the same way?  I don’t understand, but I wish I did.

In addition to this, I’ve had a lot of conversations lately about societal expectations.  Societal expectations of relationship structure with expectations for escalation of relationships, expectations of monogamy, and the judgement of kink as well.  I’ve had conversations about dress codes in schools and their inherent misogyny.  I’ve had conversations about sex positivity and timing of intercourse and everything in between.  

With regards to relationship escalation, I was talking to a single, monogamous guy that I met on OKCupid.  He was curious about how relationship structures work within polyamory.  I explained that we all have our own relationship structures and several of them are self-limiting.  My relationship with A will never escalate past where it is now, because it can’t.  He’s already happily married.  So because of that, it’s not something I would ever consider or want.  I suppose that now that I’m separated, if I and a partner wanted to escalate, we could.  I’m not sure if I want that.  Right now, I want my financial independence, a couple of boyfriends to fill the time and needs, and to enjoy my life – my career, my kids, and my loves.  Relationships can evolve and I’ll deal with what I want as they happen.

Obviously, being polyamorous means I have a lot of conversations about my lifestyle choice.  (Although I would argue that this is *who* I am over a choice). How it works, how I deal with the kids, whether I am really open and honest, and the good old “Isn’t it just a licence to cheat”.  Living an “alternative” lifestyle will always bring nay-sayers and judgment.  Mostly, I’m OK with it.  It hurts that my sister hates my lifestyle choice so much that she’s turned it into an excuse to launch a character attack on me, and it hurts that friends have chosen F over me because of his victim mentality, but in general, most of the people in my life have been amazing, supportive, and if anything, curious.  I truly believe that monogamy is a societal construct.  It’s an accepted one that is absolutely the right choice for some.  It’s just not the right choice for me.

Some men I’ve met on OKCupid ask the kink questions pretty quickly. Some are overtly inappropriate, some ease their way in, others (the ones I continue to talk to), let me bring it up first.  I’m getting the sense that kink is way more common in my generation than I previously thought, it’s just that people don’t talk about it.  But of course there is going to be someone who says it’s dirty or shameful or disgusting.  My response to them is always that I can enjoy good vanilla sex just as much as good sex in a dom/sub dynamic.  I’m versatile that way. 🙂

The dress code in schools thing comes up all the time. I have young girls and it pisses me off to no end that they are told what to wear at school.  No spaghetti straps.  Shorts only so short.  It’s ridiculous.  Like a 5 year old is going to offend someone by showing off her shoulders.  Stop sexualizing my elementary school age children, thank you very much!  Even then, other than for hygiene reasons, it shouldn’t matter if my child showed up at school naked at any age.  It is not the job of the school to teach my child appropriate dress. It is the job of the school to teach my child the curriculum that is mandated by the government.  My child’s understanding of appropriate dress and appropriate behaviour are mine and F’s to teach.  No girl should be told that she has to cover up.  Period.  But especially not because “it will distract the boys”.  Well, those boys, distracted or not, need to learn to control their own damn behaviour and not have my girls shoulders or knees blamed for it.

Then there was the sex stuff.  I tend to break a lot of supposed dating rules with regards to sex.  I like sex, and I have been known to be quite direct in my interest in it with new partners, I’ve had sex on the first date and had it result in a long-term relationship, I’ve never had a one night stand, except for with F, and that ended up lasting nearly 14 years.  I tend to bring up sex in conversation with people and I’m not at all shy about talking about my desires or other people’s.  I’m super sex positive. I just think that everyone should have great sex.  In fact, I think that people who can’t get good sex on their own for whatever reason should have the right to hire legal prostitutes to do the job.  It feels good. It’s good for people.  More people should feel comfortable talking about sex.  What they want. What they desire. What they need.  How they get it. Shame has no place in this discussion.  

Which is why when I talked about sex with one of the guys that I am talking to from OKC, and I had the thought that he might be the kind of guy that I have sex with on the first date, I was surprised with myself that I didn’t feel any shame or guilt about it.  I just thought “it’s my prerogative to do so and if we are consenting adults, who cares”.  It’s so freeing.  Then that spurred a conversation about societal expectations and the role of shame in control of women and men in the pursuit of sexual satisfaction.  Society needs to get the fuck out of all of our sex lives.  From reproductive choices to sexual satisfaction, the only people who need to be involved are the people who are consenting adults playing naked together.  This is a boundary that we all need to respect.