My metamours

I’m super happy, totally settled, deeply in love, broke, and busy as fuck at work.  O and I are wonderful.  He was super supportive and read a book or worked on his own work while I worked several evenings this week.  He made me dinner and brought me wine and was so supportive as I marathoned my way through so much work when I would rather have been doing anything else.  After these work-filled evenings, we were able to connect and have some extremely amazing quality time together (read: mind-blowing sex). It was fabulous.  One of the most interesting conversations we had was about how his other girlfriend told him how much she likes me.  It means a lot to me that my newest metamour is on my team.  I like her a lot, so it really makes my heart soar to know she feels the same.  Furthermore, after the horrible experience with W as my first metamour, I’m a little terrified of a repeat performance, and hearing that the relationship is starting on a good note is so reassuring. Now we are at the weekend, and I haven’t seen O for a couple days and I’m missing his touch and presence in my life.  Such is the life when working two jobs and dating two amazing men.

Things with A are fantastic. We are deepening our connection and comfort and commitment to each other.  On our Friday date this week, we went out for dinner and then back to my place.  I was kid-free, so this meant that play happened in the middle of the living room with all the space and opportunity that it provides.  On such evenings, we take the opportunity for rope play that is otherwise impossible when a kid could wake up and knock on the door at any moment.  There are few things that I like better than rope play, and this was no exception.  Tied up, completely helpless, he grabbed my face in his hands, looked me in the eyes, and told me how much he loved me.  It was one of those moments that makes my heart skip beats and leaves a lump in my throat. It was perfect.

Our play was fun, but I was unable to take much in the form of the pain I usually enjoy so much.  I figure that the stress of the last week built up and was manifesting in increased pain sensitivity.  It didn’t change how turned on I was, but I slowed things down and reset by using my big girl words to ask for what I needed.  On these nights, we usually play for hours, taking breaks in between for cuddles and resetting, but it goes on and on. It’s truly amazing.  Not long into the evening, A said he was feeling really awful.  He came back from the bathroom and informed me that he had been vomiting.  Since he wasn’t drunk, we concluded he was sick.  I tucked him into bed, gave him water, and cuddled up to him and we slept.  Honestly, sleeping in his arms all night was just as wonderful as the many orgasms I would have had if he’d been feeling better, but happily, he woke me up at 6 a.m. and I got the full force of his attention. Then we fell back to sleep in each other’s arms and woke at 10 a.m.  A is usually gone from my place fairly early on Saturday mornings, so I was surprised when we woke up so late.  His phone was dead, so I texted his wife to let her know that he had been sick and I’d let him sleep in, and she and I proceeded to have a conversation about some upcoming events and the fact that he needs some body wash and a phone charger at my place, and that she’s going to put together a package for him to bring over.  All that awesomeness said, the next part of our conversation was even better.  Here’s the screenshot:

Ivy text

I have wanted a closer relationship with A’s wife since we got together.  It’s really important for me to get along with my metamours, so I’ve worked very hard to be a supportive girlfriend, to understand her boundaries and her limits, and to not try to push any of those.  It occurs to me now, as her and A’s relationship evolves now that she has a boyfriend, and he and I are expanding our adventures, that part of why this is happening now is because I have worked so hard for things to be comfortable for her, that she feels like she can reach out to me.  How my life has evolved in the last year is amazing. How A’s life has evolved is incredible.  How our relationship has evolved is wonderful. The fact that this evolution includes a stronger relationship between A’s wife and I means so much to me.  Reading her words accepting and appreciating me and being able to express my appreciation of her totally made my day today.  Knowing that O was talking with his other girlfriend about how much she likes me adds to my happiness.  The poly life I dreamed of early on is even better in reality.   

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Understanding my submission

A couple weeks ago, A and I had a pretty crazy session, and there was a lot of biting involved.  Most of it wasn’t particularly painful, or, more accurately, it was the right kind of pain for this girl.  I had a tubal ligation a few months ago that left me with a tiny scar on my lower abdomen.  Completely unintentionally, A bit me on my scar, and ironically, it didn’t hurt, but clearly it disrupted something underneath the scar, because the next day, I had a HUGE bruise. I suspect that it busted open some scar tissue beneath the external scar, causing a bit of bleeding.  So, this was the bruise I was sporting the first time I had sex with O:

20171121_123654

I had, of course, warned him that A and I are kinky. That I would frequently have bruises and that they were obtained consensually, and more often than not, directly asked for.  I explained that I like vanilla as much as BDSM, that I take pleasure from all kinds of sex, and that he didn’t have to feel the need to do what A does to me, in fact, part of what I love about him is that he doesn’t do what A does to me.  Different people scratch different itches.  

I’ve mentioned several times here that A has been going through an extraordinarily difficult time in his life.  He’s been dealing with it amazingly well, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t worried about him.  He has a lot of work stress, family stress, and relationship stress going on.  It’s a trifecta of awfulness and while I’m in awe of how well he is dealing with everything, I have also been quietly waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop.  Mostly, I expected him to fall off the radar for a night and get totally crazy drunk and then suffer for a day or two after because of his indulgence.  I was worried one or more of his realities would hit and he’d bottle up again.  In true A style, he snuck in a drunk while his wife was getting her hair done, we had an interesting drunk texting conversation, and he had his meltdown verbally with her in the car on the way home.  He either is embarrassed by what he said or truly doesn’t remember, because the next day he was all apologies to her and claims (to me) he doesn’t remember what was said.  

Then, last week, I developed left flank pain that increased in intensity and started radiating centrally and forward that was so bad that I couldn’t sit comfortably.  I reached my breaking point on day three of this pain and headed to my local emergency room.  Going in, of course I was texting with both A and O, and they each were worried about me.  I told them I thought one of two things were going on: 1)  I had a kidney infection and needed IV antibiotics; or 2) the bite mark caused more damage than I knew and I had a build up of blood internally causing issues.  Well, proof once again that I’m not a physician – it turned out that I have a pinched muscle in my back that’s causing left flank pain.  They gave me a shot of Toradol and sent me home, where I proceeded to drink a bit too much wine and that’s where both A and O found me when they came to check on me that night.

As stuff in A’s life is coming to a head, I was texting with O, saying I didn’t sleep well, largely because I was worried about A, and he said: “If A is verging on cracking up from all the pressure and is having episodes where he is not really in control of himself, please promise me you will be careful.”

Me: “Of course.  Honestly, he has never said or done anything to make me concerned. He can be a pain in the ass, but he’s always been very caring and gentle except when I ask for him not to be. I’m not worried”

O: “That’s cool. I guess I am just saying to be sure he is in control when you put yourself in his control. You were at the hospital last week for what you thought might be internal bleeding so forgive me if I am coming across as overly cautious. “

Me: “Hahaha.  Point made. But that was unintentional on his part!”

O: “That is exactly my point: unintentional=not in control. Just…be careful please. I care about you.”

Me: “No, it wasn’t out of control at all. It was a non-painful bite over my surgery scar. Had it been anywhere else, there would not have even been a mark.  It was an accident, not lack of control.”

O: “Be careful please.”

Me: “I will. But you need to understand that I have no concerns at all. I have no reason to mistrust A.  In fact, if I did, it would destroy our dynamic, as it only works with trust. I think your imagination is getting the better of you. We have all been drunk and said things that were inappropriate. That’s what happened here.”

O: “Of course you know A best and you are probably right about my imagination. I am not questioning your trust in him. It is just he has been a little random in him behaviour lately. …I am not trying to limit you, really. I am learning it is not easy for someone to care about someone in a bdsm relationship with someone else (when the first party hasn’t built up their own trust with the someone else yet) and communicate that care to the other without sounding controlling…

…I realized on the walk over that askin0g you to be careful was a trigger for you. It has probably been used against you in the past. I apologize if I brought up bad associations for you. I will be more cognizant of my usage of that word in the future. …”

Me: “Can I say how much I love that you are so introspective and think about how what you say and do affects the people you love?  I was trying to think how I was going to respond to you and realize I don’t really need to.”

Truthfully, I was upset when I read the first part of his last text.  I decided to put my phone down and think how I would like to respond to O.  I was upset by the portrayal of A as out of control.  I was upset that my judgement was being questioned. I’ve never seen A anything but in control and I’ve tried to push him outside his comfort zone many times. But as I thought about it, I realized that this is the second time in a week that people who don’t know A well have talked about him in a less than positive way.  I realized that it must have something to do with me and the way I talk about him, the dynamics of our relationship in and out of the bedroom, and my portrayal of our interactions together.  

I’ve known from the beginning of our relationship that A isn’t everyone’s cup of tea.  I’ve talked to a person or two who say they don’t understand him or he wasn’t their favourite person, and because I once thought he was a little too cocky, I sort of understood.  As I got to know him better, I saw past the somewhat cocky and arrogant exterior and realized that there is a man with a giant, kind, empathetic, and generous heart behind his walls.  All along, I said to every person: “It’s OK if you don’t like him, I just want you to respect our relationship, because he is important to me, and he’s not going anywhere”. Truthfully, now that we are so close, it really bothers me when people misjudge him.

I think that people take his attitude and then start extending it to our dom/sub dynamics.  I think that in theory, people understand that everyone has different desires, kinks, and fetishes, and that for some, nothing but missionary vanilla sex is ever needed and for others, group sex with whips and needles and all kinds of “out there” kinks is the order of the day.  I have very liberal minded friends and partners.  They generally say that they don’t understand the BDSM stuff that A and I are into, but they support our choices and understand that it’s consensual and something we do love.  The problem is, I think that they want to support it, but because they don’t understand it, they can’t. Then, if they have assumptions about myself, or A or anyone else, they conflate the ideas and misunderstandings like this occur.  

This fact has me wanting to put into words what my relationship with A is *really* like from my perspective.  Who A is to me.  I hope I can accomplish this, although I’m not sure I can.  

A is my boyfriend.  He is everything that the word should inspire you to think when you think of a boyfriend.  We have spent more time together lately with our clothes on, either just chatting with each other in his truck, or having an adult beverage at a local pub, or out at a disappointing sex show, than we have naked.  Our dom/sub dynamic has a very defined start and stop.  It is only in the bedroom and it is only while we are actively playing.  I’ve been asking for him to just come in and ravage me, but consent, in the form of a very enthusiastic “YES!!!” is necessary every time. Truthfully, I initiate sex over 95% of the time.  There is no victimization or abuse in our relationship, everything we do, we do because I’ve asked for it.  

When not actively playing, the majority of our relationship we could pass as a vanilla couple.  In the last week, he made time to come visit me during my one hour lunch break at my second job.  He crawled into the back seat of his truck with me just to cuddle me because I was having a hard time.  He declined a back seat blow job because he “really enjoys just talking” to me.  There were moments in the truck where we just looked at each other and smiled, hugging and kissing gently and lovingly.  A few weeks ago, when I was having feelings about A and U having “lunch”, he was legitimately concerned he hurt me. He called me to talk it out.  Ten months in, we had our first phone conversation because he was concerned about how I was doing emotionally and I gave him reassurance that I was not, in fact, hurt and angry, but understood that I needed to process what had happened and work through it.  He’s the boyfriend who has told me, unequivocally, how amazing he thinks I am, and how I’m the “best girlfriend ever’, (not just because of the awesome sex, but because as he says, I’m “unlike anyone he’s ever met”).  The love and the connection has just intensified exponentially in the past months as his walls began crumbling and the man I knew was behind those walls has come into the light.

Those things explained, I need to talk about what I get out of submission.  What needs to be reiterated is exactly how strong of a person I am.  I’m highly educated, I have a professional career that I love, I work a second job because it’s different and dynamic and allows me to help people in real time, and I need the money because I am paying for a divorce.  My separation means that I parent my four children 60% of the time and that they are with their dad the rest of the time.  As part of my separation, I will take over the mortgage on my house and assume all responsibility for the bills associated with it.  I have an amazing in-home caregiver who cares for my children when I’m at work and who cooks, cleans, and does laundry, generally being entirely responsible for the fact that I always have clean underwear and can find anything at all in my house.  I have had a huge diversity of experiences in my life, some of them awful, some of them wonderful.  But I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I am a support to the people around me.  I am not easily manipulated, pushed around, or abused.  

For years, I had fantasies in my alone time about submission.  I never thought it would happen, because I was monogamous and F was not at all dominant.  Then, when I first had sex with D, I realized I liked a man who took control.  BDSM wasn’t his thing at all, but he knew what he wanted and wasn’t scared to drive the bus.  When we got drunk and I crossed the couch and A and I started our relationship, he was even more willing to drive the bus.  I started talking about things I wanted to try, largely because he was the first man who was ever hard enough on my nipples.  (Truthfully, I’d never enjoyed my nipples being played with before.)  The fact that he was naturally hard on me turned me on, and as I talked more about things I’d like to try, he obliged.  I created my own dom, in a sense, as he became one because I asked him to.  What I found was this:  I am submissive through and through but only sexually.  I like being told what to do.  It never ceases to amaze me that I instantly get wet when I’m given an order.  A texted me once on his way over with a picture of a girl kneeling on the floor, hands on knees, looking down, naked, with the caption: “Like this toy.  Nipple clamps are not optional”.  I was immediately ready to be fucked.  I was waiting exactly like he asked.  It’s all just hot to me.  I like that he uses me like he wants. I love the rush and sting of any and all of the floggers. I love the squirm and the squeal that come out of me with nipple torture or biting.  I frequently soak the bed before he’s even touched my pussy. The more immobile I am, the hotter it is for me.  For him, he prefers to give me orders and have me able to move at will, because that means that I am continuing to submit, constantly making the choice to come back for more.  

When we first started our trip down the rabbit hole, I would text him during the day of our date and tell him what I wanted him to do.  He would oblige and add a bit here and there. Somewhere along the way, I stopped doing so.  I usually say if something is off the table, but rarely ask for anything unless I really want it.  He is in sole control of the bus most of the time.  (Which is good, because by the time he’s done, I can rarely walk!) At the beginning, he was gentler, he started slow and worked up.  He checked in often. I’d ask for harder, and he’d say “Not today, we want to do this and check in first and escalate slowly”.  He was careful and methodical and generous and kind.  My experience was everything to him.  Now, I don’t need to ask for what I want, because he knows me so well.  What he comes up with is always better than what I would request.  There’s also something super sexy in the unknown.

What I get is simple.  I get lost completely in sensation.  There is absolutely nothing else going on in the world when I’m with A.  I am totally and completely with him in that moment.  The sensations overwhelm my body.  Each strike, each thrust, each gag on his cock is everything in that moment.  There’s a point where pain becomes pleasure and pleasure and pain mix to set my whole body on fire and I become overwhelmed with the sensations and fall into this amazing ‘subspace’ where I just am.  It’s the most liberating and all encompassing sensation I could ask for. The intensity and build up of all orgasm control play lights me on fire.  He was the first man to make me squirt and it happens regularly now.

What it isn’t is me lying there taking a beating. There’s laughter and joking and whining and begging and feedback and checking in. There are orders and control, but no one would question that I like it. It’s not constant pain, in fact I’d say I spend more time orgasming than getting flogged, thanks to a magic wand and forced orgasms. We debrief to a different extent every time. Sometimes it’s collapsing in each other’s arms and not saying much, sometimes it’s dissecting what happened and what we liked, didn’t like, what was too much, what we want more of, and where we would like to take things.  Sometimes we watch stand up comedy sketches or listen to music together. Sometimes we just chat about life. The point is, aftercare is a huge part of everything we do. There’s never a quicky with us.

Whenever we try something new, A will check in with me periodically.  During our foursome, he stopped what he was doing, I was a puddle on the bed, and he came over, lovingly stroked my hair and kissed me and asked me how I was doing, if I was OK, and if there was anything I needed or wanted. If I say something is too much, he dials back or switches to something else. If I say “no” to something, he always respects it. He is always watching for my reactions and feedback and body language.

I asked A what he gets out of being my dom. He said he didn’t know, or couldn’t put it into words.  He said he does it because I love it, what he enjoys is how I respond to him.  All this together just reminds me that I need to be better at explaining that this is about me and what I want more than about him *doing* something to me.

The true power in power exchange is in the hands of the sub. Submission is a gift given willingly and the submissive controls every limit and how it will be pushed. I could end everything with a simple word: “red”.  I’ve never even got close to saying it, because, like every great dom, A knows me and my limits and how and when to push those boundaries.

My fantastic life

I don’t even know where to start, except to say that life is fucking fantastic!!!  A couple days ago, I had the break up talk with L.  I was a bit nervous going in, not knowing how he would respond.  I just told him that with everything going on in his life and mine, neither of us could possibly get what we want out of our relationship.  He accepted it really well, we talked about it a bit, he shed a tear or two, and then we chatted for a couple hours.  Our break up ended with a not-at-all-chaste kiss.  It was fantastic, actually.  The realization that I finally have had relationships with people who are wonderful in their own right, but also that those relationships were successful, even though they ended, was reassuring.  Reassuring to me in the sense that my life choices are the correct ones for me, and although there are challenges, I’m overwhelmingly happy.

    Last weekend, I turned on OKCupid to take screenshots of profiles to warn A’s wife off of, so she didn’t waste her time with creepy or otherwise undatable men.  I, naturally, took the opportunity to see what was available to me!  I truly love reading the profiles.  It’s like window shopping, but with an interesting insight into what people will say about themselves as they promote themselves.  My OKC profile is loooonnnnggg.  At the end, I say under the “you should message me if” section, I say “If you find a grammar or spelling mistake, because that shit is uncool!”  Shortly after I turned my profile back on, I got a message from a very good looking man with great grammar, who managed to find a typo in my profile. A typo that has likely been there since I first wrote that sentence over a year. I *may* have some opinions about spelling and grammar.  I may also judge men by their lack thereof (Yes, I have cancelled dates with men who I was ambivalent about because their grammar pushed me over the edge) .  So, when I get a message from a man who catches a nearly imperceptible mistake, I know he’s a man worth talking to.  I couldn’t have been more correct!  It was obvious from the first couple of messages that I was going to want to date this man who will hereafter be referred to as “O”.

    O and I went on our first date to a coffee shop I hadn’t been to before.  The connection was obvious to each of us online and the day before we were talking about various expectations, and he said something about anticipating a kiss at the end of the date.  I, being the problem solver I am, said “Here’s an idea!  We can start the date with a kiss instead!”  I walked into the coffee shop, admittedly unusually nervous for me, and still didn’t know if I was actually going to start the date with a kiss or not. When I walked up the stairs to where he was seated, and I moved in to hug him, I just decided to go for it, because I already knew I wanted to.  What a way to start a date!  It was perfect.

    The date was spectacular.  We chatted and laughed and held hands and the connection was incredible.  I was thrilled when the friend I was supposed to meet later in the evening cancelled, so I could stay out with him.  Before the date was half over, we had two more dates planned.  I haven’t felt this type of connection since the beginning with D.  It’s entirely possible it’s stronger.  

    Apart from the fact that O is very easy on the eyes, he really is the full package.  He’s educated, but more importantly, he’s extremely intelligent.  He’s is so incredibly interesting to talk to.  He’s had a wealth of cool life experiences, he is clearly a critical thinker, and he is just captivating to listen to.  He’s confident and funny too.  I was telling A earlier in the week that I’d met a guy who was full of potential, I said: “He’s bald, has a beard (my type!), is educated, and has a Fetlife profile.”  A’s response?  “Wow! The trifecta.  Don’t fuck it up, you need another boyfriend.”

    A couple days later, I went to his house during the day for “wine”.  Neither of us were under any illusion that wine would be the focus, and I am happy to report that it wasn’t.  If the first time and the second time are any sign, we’re going to have a very fun sex life moving forward.  

    I’m consumed by NRE.  I feel like a teenage girl with a crush on the cutest guy in class.  Perhaps it’s lack of blood flow to my brain, but I’m completely dumb when I’m with him.  He has the weirdest effect on me, I just talk and talk.  Granted, I’m a talker at the best of times, but it’s a little embarrassing.  Fortunately, every indication is that he feels the same way, so we are extremely intelligent people struck dumb by each other.  It’s kind of awesome.

    We have another date today and another planned during the week.  I’m ridiculously excited and slightly overwhelmed by this development.  Nothing like ending two relationships and starting a new one in a matter of three days!  This is my fantastic life.

This week, so far.

Sunday

I’m in this wonderful in between zone where I am not quite back to reality after my first weekend away with A.  We went away on a “romantic” weekend this weekend (romantic belongs in quotation marks, because no one would consider us romantic), leaving Friday night after work and return at supper time today.  It was wonderful.  There really isn’t a better word to describe it.   

The week leading up to us leaving was even more busy than A’s normally ridiculous weeks.  For me, it was easy and more difficult at the same time.  Both L and M cancelled their dates with me, so there were no late nights on dates.  I worked late every evening to get a little bit ahead so I didn’t have to do any work on the weekend, and could just relax. We got to our hotel, a four hour drive from home late on Friday night, and as we were having a drink and relaxing, A started feeling sick.  A snack and a bit of relaxing had him feeling better but drained and it became obvious to me that the thing he needed most was rest, so, despite working up to this evening all week with rules and teases, I kissed him goodnight and told him to get some sleep (I let him get some. Not lots, just some).  

I can’t really explain how nice it was to just relax.  To just BE with A.  No rushing, no schedule, nothing outside of us.  Which is funny, because so much of our conversation was about our lives outside of ‘us”.  We talked about our other partners a lot.  We talked about our lives, our relationship, navigating the new developments in our relationship and a potential relationship for A and U.  We talked about A’s wife starting to date and his feelings about that and my relationships with L and M and the doubts I’m having.  By far the most interesting conversation we had was when he stopped  me mid-sentence and said: “Stop.  Do you realize how weird our conversations are? I’m sitting here with my girlfriend on a weekend away, where we talk about my wife and your boyfriend, and here I am giving you advice about your relationship with your other boyfriend.”  It was funny, because until he pointed it out, it just seemed so normal!  

We drank, we ate, we had sex, we slept. We had the most wonderful steam shower and jet tub and heated tile floor in our hotel room.  I got to reach over and touch him in his sleep, to move over and cuddle up to him until I got too hot and we both attached to our respective edges of the bed.  We got to try some new fun things that we hadn’t before because we had a weekend to do so and he may have turned me into a human puddle more than once because I was so sexually satisfied (this is HUGE people, HUGE!  This almost never happens!!!).  It was comfortable and fun and nice.  I was encouraged that we got along so well and the conversation just flowed with lots of laughing and joking  and periods of quiet and easy decision making and so much connection.  

Tuesday

Now, a couple days into my week, I’m back to reality.  I’m in this wonderful place where I’m not totally aching for sex because I was actually so sore earlier in the week that the idea of someone touching me made me cringe a little knowing that somewhere would hurt.  Today, I’m less sore but still happy.  I guess that means he did good work, because two days later, I’m still satisfied. I definitely need to keep him around!

Yesterday, I had my girly eyelashes and hair appointment with one of my friends and G had one right after mine.  I needed some of G’s wonderful advice (the girl is a genius in all things, but most of all, in saying the things I need to hear, which are rarely the things I want to hear).  So I talked to her about my issues with L and M.  First, L: On Sunday on my way home, I texted to see if we were still getting together that evening.  I knew I was going to have to have a serious talk with him about expectations and had messaged him earlier in the week to ask him for the same.  When I messaged him, I got a response cancelling our date, with little explanation as to why, and in fact, a refusal to explain.  I was hurt.  I joked with A that the sound that came from my phone was a nail going into the coffin of my relationship. When I talked to G last night, she made the very coherent point that with the personal issues that L has, the fact that he just started a new job, and that he has two other women he is dating, he is completely incapable of giving me what I need in a relationship.  It was the smack in the face I needed.  Yep, I have to end that relationship.

Next, M.  I really like him. He’s kind and fun and sexy and a genuinely nice guy. But I’m not feeling it.  I realized that with my ambivalence to his (and L’s) canceled dates last week, I needed to acknowledge that I wasn’t really committed to them.  The intellectual connection just isn’t there. Part of my commitment to my life right now is only doing things that fulfill a purpose in my life – to make me happy or to keep me alive.  Neither of these relationships did either. So, I’ve ended my relationship with M.   He took it like a complete gentleman. He was so awesome about it, I actually left the conversation liking him more than I liked him yesterday.  I’m going to have my conversation with L on Thursday.  I’m not looking forward to it.

Contrast all of this to my response to A.  Nearly a year since our first date, and 10 months since I crossed the couch, my heart responds daily with the messages I get from him.  I’m excited to see him.  I love knowing about his day.  When I touch him, there’s a visceral (very positive) response.  When I think about him, I want to be next to him, chatting with him about the ridiculousness that is our lives.  I’m never in doubt that I want him in my life, even when I’m “crazy bitch” angry with him.  Contrast this to the ambivalence, and even apathy, that I felt with L and M, and the correct response to my doubts was glaring me in the face.  I needed to end my other relationships.  Of course, I handled delivering my decision extremely well for A and just texted him out of the blue that this was what was happening in my life, without warning.  Despite the fact that I know I’m causing A a bit of stress, I know that I’m making great decisions, and he trusts me to make them.  I’m sure he’s happy that there is a guy or two who is interested in my profile and wants to meet.  


On the way back from our trip, A’s wife called.  She updated him on some super cool parenting things and the fact that she activated her OKCupid profile and had her first date.  Any details about her dating life or his response to it are theirs to tell, not mine, but today I got a random text from A that went like this:

“Strangest conversation: Wife: I don’t really want to date guys out of the local poly group.  A: Once you know names, run them past GF and she can let you know the ones she knows.  WTH?!”

I just responded that she definitely should talk to me, and extended the open invitation to talk to me!  (Our local polyamory group has a few bad eggs that like to fill the wall with drama and immaturity and I don’t blame her at all for not wanting to date them.  I’m also more than happy to help her avoid them.)

In the “weird sentences I never expect to write” theme, I was texting him about breaking things off with L and M, and apologized that it was hitting him when he was dealing with some new things at home that were a little overwhelming.  He told me not to worry, and my response went something like this: “It would be stupid to stay in another relationship because the one boyfriend I want to keep is having a hard time with his wife starting to date.”  Definitely one of the weirdest sentences I’ve ever typed!

Wednesday

This morning, I had a conversation with U about A.  I told her that he is totally into her and that everything was OK with me. That I knew we could navigate the potentially complicated situation of my boyfriend dating one of my besties with little issue.  I realized that she was probably holding back from the obvious connection between the two because of me and my relationship with her.  I wanted her to know that I shouldn’t be a concern to her, or them, moving forward.  I also know that A smiles like a teenager in love every time he talks about her and that he’s trying to figure out a way to fit her into his ultra busy life.  I knew that encouraging her to date him would lead to his happiness, so I encouraged it.

So, imagine my surprise today, when I found out that he went over for “lunch” during the day and it hurt, like in-my-chest-huge-pang-HURT.  I knew immediately that it was an illogical reaction. I’d just been encouraging him to date her and encouraging her to date him, but that didn’t change the fact that it got to me.  A, to his credit, asked me if I was upset.  I told him that I needed some time to think it through.  He apologized and was generally awesome about it.  I was quite clear that he didn’t do anything wrong and that he definitely didn’t need to apologize, but I just needed to work through stuff.

Then, he phoned.  He wanted to have a ‘feelings’ talk, as we call them. Wait!!!  HE PHONED!  We never talk on the phone!  I had a date, so it was delayed, but we talked as I drove home.  It was incredible.  So clear and functional and caring and awesome. I have yet to process the whole thing, so I’m going to leave it there, but what I left the conversation with was the genuine comfort that comes with knowing that my partner cares about me enough to check in to make sure I’m OK when something unexpected happens and elicits an emotional response. That in and of itself is kind of awesome, but he, however unintentionally, told me he loved me tonight, and that was just awesome….exactly what I needed to hear.  

I’ll write more about life tomorrow.  About the new guy I’m completely lusting after, about breaking up with L, when I do it, and about what I think about A and U having “lunch” without me, 24 hours later.  

Awash in wondering

Time to write about some things that aren’t A-centric.  Of course, he’s been a big part of the new and exciting developments in my life, but there are a couple other people that deserve a little bit of time and attention.  I always write here as if I’m writing to people who don’t know me.  I know a few people who know me in real life read my random musings and I’m sure a few people I know read my thoughts without talking to me about it.  For me, this is all a part of my processing. If I can put words to how I’m feeling, the developments in my life, and adequately portray my process, I’m processing well, I understand myself and who I am and what I need in my life.  Who reads it is less important to me than for me to be clear within myself about how I truly feel.

L and I haven’t seen much of each other in recent weeks. I’ve felt the distance between us and hoped that it would solve itself, rather than feeling the need for an actual conversation about it.  The problem is that he’s busy most evenings, and those few that he is free need to be divided up between two women.  The third woman he’s dating now has a job working evenings, so they get together during the day, a time that never conflicts with my availability.

Two weeks ago, we got together and reconnected. It was cuddles and closeness and some good sex.  It felt like the summer dates when we saw each other more often and could enjoy our time together and not feel like it was being rationed. This last week, we both just wanted to cuddle and sleep.  We ended up doing slightly more than that, but it was rushed and limited.  

I was supposed to go over to L’s Sunday.  Truthfully, I was hoping he’d cancel, I just wanted a day by myself to do random chores and turn inwards a bit.  There have been a lot of new things in my life as of late, and I needed processing and recharging time.  At the same time, I knew that I probably wouldn’t see him this week if I cancelled, so I fired off a text message in the middle of the day asking if we were still on.  I admit to a sense of relief when he said he was having a hard time and needed to be alone.  (It hasn’t escaped my attention that it’s not a good sign if you are relieved that your boyfriend cancels on you).  Then I realized that something was off and asked him.  The rest of the conversation was an exercise in futility.  He was having a hard time with the group sex.  Not the threesome, but the fact that A and I had sex with two other people in the room.  He was being particularly hard on himself for even having feelings about it.  He seemed to have issue that it was something I was doing with A and not with him.  He wasn’t accepting my reassurance or support.  Mostly, I was annoyed, if I’m honest.  I don’t mind people having feelings – lord knows I have them reasonably often – but I was annoyed that he wasn’t owning his and trying to work through them rather than just dumping on me.  I spent a lot of time that night wondering if we are, in fact, compatible. Wondering if I’m too much for him.   In the end, I was just annoyed that the hot new development in my life was tarnished by his response to it.  I was also annoyed that he even had issue with my choices in MY sex life.  The feminist in me wanted to scream from the rooftops that it’s my damn choice and he didn’t have a right to an opinion (unless, of course, I was being unsafe, which I wasn’t).  In reality, I was supportive and kind and understanding, because I can’t hope to understand exactly why he’s feeling the way he is.  Monday, I got an apology from him where he owned his shit and I am no longer annoyed.  Hopefully moving forward will be OK.  More on my personal issues in a bit.

Things with M are….OK?  I think he’s still in, and I think I’m in, but my original lust for him has dwindled a bit.  He’s super hot.  He’s super nice.  But I don’t know if it’s going anywhere.  The sex is fantastic, but keeping my interest and my sexual attraction means stimulating me intellectually and challenging me personally.  I’m not sure he does either.  In particular, he’s got some interesting alternative health and science-sceptic views that aren’t compatible with my very strong scientific knowledge.  It’s my profession for fuck’s sake, so questioning its validity with “well, I just believe….” doesn’t really hit me well.  I think I just need to spend more time with him and see where it goes.  I’m torn because our kids get along so well. It’s amazing.  I really like one of his other girlfriends.  I just don’t know.  He cancelled our date this week and I feel ambivalent about it.  Is it OK to feel ambivalent this early?  I don’t know!

 

With all of these things in mind, here are the personal issues that hit me earlier this week:

The hot sex with A and the hot group sex with U and Z and dom/sub dynamics have my head reeling a bit.  The problem is that I’m having a hard time getting what I need out of the vanilla sex that I have with L and M now.  It’s not like it’s bad sex, it’s just that the “mind-blowing, overwhelmingly hot, overcoming my entire body with desire and exhaustion” – sex that I have with A and had in our threesome and then our foursome makes the great sex I have with L and M seem, well, ordinary.  

The truth is, I don’t know if this is a problem. But this realization, combined with the fact that I haven’t seen either L or M in over a week (and I’m not that bothered by this fact), means that I can’t stop thinking about whether continuing my relationships with them is the right thing to do.  Am I getting what I need and want out of them?  The reality is with L that when we saw each other more, we had more of the connection that was necessary to keep it going in between.  There was shared experiences and cuddling and laughing and doing things together. There was intellectual stimulation and challenging, interesting conversations.  Now we have a few hours a week together where we are both exhausted.  It’s not working for me.  It’s a barely stuck bandaid on top of a sore that won’t heal.  We need more time together to reconnect properly, not settling for a quick fix every so often.  

With M, now that the physical excitement is wearing off, as hot as he is, and as nice as he is, I’m not sure he IS the right guy for me to be dating. I’m not sure if we have enough in common.  There’s only so much divorce and sex people can talk about before it becomes a little monotonous.  There’s only so much sex you can have in between to distract you from the lack of intellectual compatibility.  

Add to this the fact that I’ll likely meet up with U and Z for some threesome action in A’s absence. This means that I will have a dom taking care of my needs in between dates with A.  I’ve been wishing for another date with A in between our weekly dates for months.  It would be pretty damn great to have a dom who can take care in between.  If I had mind-blowing sex twice a week like that, I’d be a damn happy lady, and then I’m wondering where my other relationships fit in there. The reality is that if the relationships aren’t bringing value and joy and connection and love to my life, there’s no reason to continue them.  I guess that finding the “sweet spot” that I need is the issue.  The reality of all of this is that I need to get together with both L and M and really commit to figuring out if what I need and want out of those relationships is what I’m getting. Until I do that, me trying to figure out what all these doubts floating around in my head mean is an exercise in futility.  In the meantime, I think it’s good for me to acknowledge that I’m having doubts and work through identifying why. So that’s where I am.

On a positive note, A and I are going away for the weekend. I’m giddy like a kid in a candy store. I can’t wait to see what this weekend brings for us!

 

Part 3: A’s thoughts about our first date

I threw in a quick “A, want to write your version out for me?” line in my last blog post about our first date and how we ended up together yesterday.  A obliged me with his version and it was super fun to read.  Copy editing only, although there are a few of my comments interlaced again (I particularly like that I get to say what I want without interruption).

My first date with the person who has now been a regular part of my life for the past 9 months or so: 

We connected electronically, and decided that drinks would be a good, safe first date. I was tasked the duty of picking a location, so I picked one of my favorite locales.  This was shot-down nearly immediately as her husband was planning on having a date at the establishment, so plan B it was.  (GF: day of, actually, when I checked our shared calendar and realized he was going to the same place!  Nothing like the pressure of a last minute venue change on a first date!) We went to a pub on the edge of downtown, easy for both of us to get to after work, and big enough and loud enough that we would be swallowed up by everything happening around us, and our conversation wouldn’t be overheard!!  Going into this date, I had learned from friends of ours that one of them (D) was struggling with the dating/poly culture in Edmonton, and wasn’t having much success.  I will point out at that time, I wasn’t having much success either, but I’m picky and choosy and notoriously oblivious to obvious cues specifically from women who are interested in me, so its more my fault than anyone else’s.  

The date. I think I arrived first, as I have an issue with being early for everything, turns out GF has the issue, so it was basically a race to see who could be there earlier! (GF: I arrived first, at least 15 minutes early, and A arrived late – the only time he’s ever been late in our entire relationship!) GF came in and we hugged (GF: He came in. I extended my arm to shake his hand, and he said “I’m a hugger!” and pulled me in for a quick hug)  and sat down and started a 5 hour 2 or 3 bottle of wine conversation that ranged far and wide, and it was amazing. Or at least parts of it where amazing.  The unbelievable coincidence of GF knowing two people that my wife and I are close to, and that the husband (D) was her second first date that week was a little surprising and off-putting.  Still after that the conversation swung back into regular, natural conversation and it was still very good.  Then she very casually, as one would normally in conversation when telling a story, said the name one of her daughters.  GF has written about this a couple of times, but that name is uncommon – very uncommon – and to hear it unprompted and unprepared had an obvious impact on the conversation, the mood at the table, and my general talkative nature.  The loss is not something I spend a lot of time talking about, and it’s not normally something that I just throw out on a first date!  That changed the tone of the conversation, as I had to explain what I’m sure was a perplexing response to a name to GF as she was ‘pestering’ me for answers.   (GF:  I was so confused by his response.  I said my daughter’s name and his reaction was profound and unexpected.  I said he couldn’t react like that to me saying my daughter’s name and not tell me why.  It certainly took some convincing to get him to spill the heartbreaking story.)

I picked up a vibe from GF that a second date wasn’t looking promising, the coincidences were just too close to home and that sexual energy just wasn’t sparking. (GF: Safe to say we found that spark and created a roaring bonfire!!!)  I think that I had also decided at that time I needed to bow out for similar reasons but also for D to have a chance as I recognized that GF is a pretty amazing person and I wasn’t 100% sold on us as a couple/dating going forward.  Sometimes my thoughts and compassion for others steps out and puts other’s needs ahead of mine.  This is one of those cases. Generally speaking I’m a two date guy, first dates can be super hard, lots of pressure, unknowns, etc, etc, but a second date has less pressure and people are generally more themselves and thus I am able to get a better read on people.  This probably explains why it took me so long to figure shit out with GF, I never had a “second” date.

The rejection email.  Most of our conversations happened via email, so it was the natural choice to send the note that there wasn’t a second date in the cards. (GF: This is very true, it never seemed weird to me that he sent it via email. It’s not like we dated for six months and he decided to break up with me via email, that would be a douche move!)  GF has eluded to it in other posts, and while I’m flattered, my ability to read people is not as good, precise, or as directed as she makes it sound. I’m no professional mentalist able to discern your thoughts based on what you are wearing, how you are sitting and what you do with your hands!  It’s also something that I’m not always 100% aware of or that I do consciously (if that makes any sense). So the email, it was a genuine attempt to convey my thoughts and the lack of chemistry, I hate people being ‘ghosted’ or left wondering what happened.  I also truly enjoyed the conversation, GF is smart, like crazy, could be scary, intimidatingly smart, which I love! So the offer to meet for coffee/drinks again, was just that, I enjoyed the spirited conversation and discussion we had. Finding someone who could have these types of discussions, and keep up, hold their own and have the spirit and back-bone to stand up to me and my thoughts was somebody I wanted to keep around. It was that simple, there was no, or I don’t recall there being any, ‘ulterior motive’ to continue the connection.  Everything else that has happened has just been a massive bonus, and I’m thankful that I sent that ‘rejection letter’.

 

Part 2: When A tells his story about the night we met and I start thinking

So, in addition to the foursome post, something came out from A last night that I need to write out.   I wrote the other day about our first date and how weird it was.  We were telling the story to U and Z last night and he added that he got from me the impression that he wasn’t supposed to kiss me when he walked me to the car that night and he was right, I was pretty sure we wouldn’t have a second date about half way through the evening when my daughter’s name brought up his biggest hurt.  I remember that good-bye like it was yesterday.  I really liked A.  We had amazing connection and fantastic conversation.  I remember hugging him good-bye (and running my hand down his arm, through his hand, and letting go at the last minute) and being sad that I probably wouldn’t see him again, but knowing that we didn’t have that instant romantic/sexual attraction.  I drove home that night thinking about how weird it was that we could have this fantastic connection that for so many reasons we couldn’t pursue.  I was elated to have a great date and sad that the date wasn’t going anywhere at the same time.

So, A told (part of) his side of the story last night.  (Hey A!  Want to write out your version of what happened for me?)  The side of the story I’ve never really heard.  He said that after our date, he talked to his wife about it, his wife talked to D’s wife, and D’s wife explained what a hard time D was having with finding a partner.  A decided that between my clear “don’t kiss me” message (this cracks me up now, because I frequently have to beg for a ‘proper’ kiss) and the fact that D and I were talking and D was *really* interested in me at that time, that he would step back, despite the connection.  

This is where I haven’t entirely got his version of the story, because I frequently get distracted when we talk (truthfully, I jump from topic to topic with everyone, this is the only place I ever stay on topic, which is probably why A likes reading it, because he actually gets a coherent portrayal of my emotions and thought process), but I can only assume that he sent me that rejection letter because he is truly that respectful of women and feels that people deserve closure.  Part of me thinks (hopes?) that he was a little more interested in me and kept thinking about our awesome connection and conversation for those two weeks and wanted to extend a “safe” olive branch.  The other part of me thinks that when we decided to be friends and had our night out as friends, we were both ourselves in a more genuine way, and the connection was obvious, and that the day we had sex for the first time was just a natural progression after we spent so many hours confirming our connection and attraction.  (This makes me think of our messages to each other in the interim.  I guess if I think about it, they were actually rife with innuendo….)

The attraction itself probably needs to be addressed.  A is a very good looking man, but really that doesn’t matter that much to me.  What he is that matters is smart, confident, sure of himself, unapologetically himself, and just a little bit cocky.  Behind all that, it was obvious to me, thanks to our ridiculous first date, he is kind, sensitive, and loving.  He is genuine and caring.  He is one of those rare men that isn’t scared to take control, but in doing so he will care for everyone. I have learned in these nine months that he also always owns his shit.  He takes responsibility for his actions. He apologizes when he fucks up and he also stands his ground when he needs to.  These are two qualities I have learned that I absolutely need in a man.  

Perhaps his process of attraction was different.  I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.  I’m a beautiful person.  But I’m not society’s version of beautiful. My attractiveness comes from my strength, my intelligence, my determination, and my ability to communicate what I need and want from people in my life.  I am a perpetual optimist, I’m an amazing friend, I’m extremely kind and loving, I’m very good at my profession, I’m completely committed, loyal, and devoted to those I love, I’m strong beyond measure, and I’m caring to a fault.  I’m also a bit cocky, a bit smug, a bit judgmental, and a bit intimidating to many.  I’m also very open and loving and extremely and unabashedly sexual!  But my face, especially my eyes, reveal everything I feel.  I’m an open book to people like A, who specialize in reading people, so maybe that’s where his attraction to me begins and ends – he just knows me.  

The reality is, we have our story – a story that is strange and wonderful and ridiculous and difficult to define.  But none of that really matters.  No matter what we call it, we are committed to these adventures together, supporting each other along the way..